To be annoyed about friend's daughter coming along

[Misscromwellrocks]

I have a weekend in Paris booked in March with a few old uni friends. It's the first time in years that we've all gone away together.

One friend has now announced that her 18 year old daughter will be coming along. Most of us haven't seen this girl since she was about 12 and in any event this is meant to be a meet up of old friends.

I've only spoken to one other member of the group since we heard about this, and she's annoyed too.

WWBU to contact friend and try to tactfully dissuade her? I don't want to cause a row or hurt anyone's feelings.

I once arranged a meal with a group of six of us who had all been close friends at work about 15 years prior. Took forever for me to arrange a time we could all make, and I was intensely looking forward to it.

One of them arrived late and with a new SO who none of us had met before.

We had to get the waiter to bring an extra chair, etc.

Totally changed the dynamics of the evening.

I was internally LIVID.

I don’t know about you lot, but I talk with my friends about stuff happening in my life that I wouldn’t want their kids to know, 18 or 8. Doesn’t matter.

Maybe her daughter is having a really rubbish time at the moment and your friend is trying to cheer her up and also keep an eye on her.

Maybe one or more of the adults are having a rubbish time at the moment and are looking forward to a weekend with their friends without teenagers tagging along?

I was struggling with my teen last year to the point where it was severely impacting my mental health. I organised a holiday to have a bit of space from her and invited a friend along so I could have someone to chat to about it/vent/unwind/collect my thoughts/etc. I would have been so bloody confused and upset if she brought her own teenager along.

So there are two camps.

Those who think their kids are a monumental spoon fed pain in the butt and want to be rid of them at all costs, and will make sure they have nothing to do with anyone who even mentions kids, who want to make a citybreak break “ invitation only” .... arf

And those like myself, who think time is short, budgets can be tight, the world is large, and 18year olds are adults and can sort themselves out in the day and of an evening, because we have brought our kids up to be functioning, polite and yes, fiercely independent.(F off for the personal attacks, they’re just plain rude)

No wonder we have so many man children and self entitled madams who need mummy to tour universities with them!! Poor babies!!
If those are the types of kids you bred and reared I understand why you can’t wait to be rid of them, and feel that a ”child” free piss up is the only way to enjoy yourselves.

do you really you think the 18 year old will be tagging along with her mum’s old soak friends, as if she was a baby needing regular feeding, and nappy change? She’s an adult, I’m sure she will have better things to do in Paris!

Paris is massive, there’s plenty of room for everyone; and maybe this mum who is bringing her dd has other plans for herself rather than hanging round with her old pisshead mates from long, long ago, who needn’t even be in Paris if you think about it, as all they’re planning doing is drinking.

One of my uni friends always brings her daughter on meets up too. Well not always - but she's 21 now, so I don't even know why she does it. But it's always really awkward, as the things you can talk about are very different! Like we normally share about our lives but the friend whose daughter is there will barely say anything because obviously there's things you'd share with friends that aren't for the ears of your children!

It is very very annoying.

If someone dislikes their "friends" so passionately, to the point that they travel to Paris on a group trip and then spend all their time trying to avoid them and hanging with their own daughter, why the hell would they agree to go in the first place ?

We have no idea what the dd in the OP is like. She may be Miss Independence and be flitting off round Paris solo, or she may be nervous and clingy. Actually it doesn't matter what sort of person she is - she wasn't invited!

It’s not about drinking . It’s an long standing close knit group of old friends. Actually the fact it’s a daughter is a red herring. It would be rude to bring anyone in those circumstances. Very high handed and selfish of the mother concerned

Although this thread is very useful to the minority who don’t see a problem with it! The majority do and even if too polite / weedy to say anything you can bet your bottom dollar the rest of the group are...

Those who think their kids are a monumental spoon fed pain in the butt and want to be rid of them at all costs, and will make sure they have nothing to do with anyone who even mentions kids, who want to make a citybreak break “ invitation only”

Where has anyone said that? My DCs are wonderful and I don't want to be rid of them at all costs. We have lots of breaks together as a family. However, they have their friends and I have mine.

I'm afraid I know somone who thinks their DD's sun shines out their backside and whenever we had a party/dinner at our house, get together... the parents would roll up with their DD. They never asked, she just turned up with them. She was the most verbal, precocious teen and now adult she hasn't changed. Friends would be talking, she would be interrupting the conversation, talking over the top of them, generally wanting an audience... so ... no... not all teens will just go off in Paris doing their own thing.

We have no idea what the dd in the OP is like. She may be Miss Independence and be flitting off round Paris solo, or she may be nervous and clingy
Or she may be like the one I mentioned above!

@FlickingVees

Lots of hyperbole in your post.
However:

Paris is massive, there’s plenty of room for everyone; and maybe this mum who is bringing her dd has other plans for herself rather than hanging round with her old pisshead mates from long, long ago, who needn’t even be in Paris if you think about it, as all they’re planning doing is drinking

Then why agree to go on a trip which was specifically arranged as a REUNION??

She doesn't have to attend!!

I have to say, I love “changes the dynamics of the holiday” as middle class code for “fucks the whole thing to hell”. 😂👍

This is very rude of her.

She’s an adult, I’m sure she will have better things to do in Paris!

Fiercely independent blah blah - no need to go with your mummy “old soak” friends, then is there? Paris isn’t short of hostels.

@FlickingVees You missed a camp.

the camp that thinks that our job is to raise adults, ones that appreciate what effort it takes to save up and achieve things and not expect to be able to tag along to things just because they want to, or because they are resentful of the fact their parents have lives outside of being Muuuuum.

Our children will grow into young adults and grown adults and actually gain an enormous amount from making their own way, saving up and travelling without their parents, with friends of their own age etc

I asked my own DS if he wanted to go on a school trip abroad and he said no, he'd rather go on his own when he is older or with us as a family than go with the school and have an agenda/timetable to follow. Ok so he is still at school and these things change, but he gets it... I get it. I think he'd enjoy a school trip tbh, but I'll see if I can convince him before he leaves school, for the experience alone of being with his mates somewhere else.

You are very judgemental quick to call the OP and her friends 'old soaks' . actually the OP said they are more interested in fine dining, shopping and chatting than going out on the lash. its not about drinking, its about spending adult time with people you have a good deal in common with, on the same level.

By one of the party inviting ANYONE, it changes the dynamic, but inviting an 18yo it blows the dynamic to smithereens, she wants to 'Do Paris', see the sights etc, the other women on the trip are not there for this.

The only response to her nagging 18yo should have been 'This is a trip with my friends, I can't just take you without talking to them, at the very least I need to check to see they are ok with it, but bear in mind they may very well not be.'

I wish you’d put the voting on for this one OP. I think some people would benefit from seeing the numbers on this one.

Although this thread is very useful to the minority who don’t see a problem with it! The majority do and even if too polite / weedy to say anything you can bet your bottom dollar the rest of the group are

It may be partly cultural too. Where I live I imagine the responses to a thread like this would be different because people are more open, sociable, talkative with strangers and acquaintances, etc. So maybe some of those people who don't see a problem with it are coming from a different cultural perspective.

Well let her show her dd the sights and you and your other friends go off and do what you planned.

This. I'd just leave it and assume she and her DD can take themselves off separately. Shame she's done this though.

My MIL has a friend who always brings her 2 young adult daughters on their trips too, and she doesn't even get along with one of them.

I think it's weird this girl would even want to go on this trip and would be as unhappy as you OP.

maybe this mum who is bringing her dd has other plans for herself rather than hanging round with her old pisshead mates from long, long ago, who needn’t even be in Paris if you think about it, as all they’re planning doing is drinking.

One of the most batshit, judgeypants comments ever to grace these pages. Aren’t you just a fucking delight @FlickingVees

And you made me say “judgeypants”. Unforgivable.

Exactly You if the annoying mum finds the group so objectionable she wouldn’t bloody go would she ?!

Also idly wondering how common it would be for a man same age meeting up with old pals to bring his 18 year old son? Less likely somehow - seems to be largely women that find it harder to throw off family obligation and be their non parent selves with old friends

FlickingVees. There’s an awful lot of projection there. Do you have a drink problem? I ask because you seem fixated on the possible alcohol consumption. Perhaps you’re tarring OP and her friends with your brush?

This is fairly bitchy, a bit like mean girls. The daughter is an adult, she can sit and eat and drink. I'd have welcomed her and did as I was going to do anyway.

Honestly feel the way you and your friend behaved is really unpleasant.

What if the extra adult foisted on the group was someone's dh, or their new friend from Pilates, or their mother who needed a break ? Are they all welcome, in spite of the weekend being billed as catching up with old friends ?

What if you were the one schmuck who hadn't brought a plus one? Would you sit there grinning in a welcoming fashion in spite of your weekend being hijacked by people taking the opportunity for a weekend break?

Honestly feel the way you and your friend behaved is really unpleasant.

But one of the group telling the others, that they're bringing someone else along, not even asking if the rest mind, is ok?

I call that bad manners.

Definitely cast up stories about her groupie days, in front of her daughter.