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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about friend's daughter coming along

302 replies

Misscromwellrocks · 07/01/2020 13:36

I have a weekend in Paris booked in March with a few old uni friends. It's the first time in years that we've all gone away together.

One friend has now announced that her 18 year old daughter will be coming along. Most of us haven't seen this girl since she was about 12 and in any event this is meant to be a meet up of old friends.

I've only spoken to one other member of the group since we heard about this, and she's annoyed too.

WWBU to contact friend and try to tactfully dissuade her? I don't want to cause a row or hurt anyone's feelings.

OP posts:
Roussette · 07/01/2020 15:42

Since you haven't seen the other friend for ages, presumably you're unaware if there's a reason her DD is vulnerable and she doesn't want to leave her

Why doesn't she ASK then? Why assume it's OK? Friends are meant to be honest with each other.

Loveislandaddict · 07/01/2020 15:44

She’s 18, not 8 so would probably enjoy a girls weekend away.

ChicCroissant · 07/01/2020 15:45

How does everyone else feel about additional people coming along? I'd rather it was just us tbh, but will go with the majority.

I think this from Oblomov20 is perfect, messages hinting at her just joining you for a meal in the evening are a bit passive-aggressive IMO and are going to lead to bad feelings either way. She won't be happy about the undercurrent of her DD not being welcome and you won't be happy that the matter hasn't been properly raised.

I don't think she should have decided her DD would join the trip without speaking to anyone first btw. But bearing in mind how much hinting is hated, I think a more direct if difficult discussion is better. Enjoy the trip, OP Wine

GoodDogBellaBoo · 07/01/2020 15:45

That message was not very clear though..

ItsNovemberNotChristmas · 07/01/2020 15:46

She might @LoveIslandaddict but it would have been nice to check with the rest of the group as obviously they're not happy about it

HollowTalk · 07/01/2020 15:48

If she'd like a girls' weekend away then why doesn't she spend it with her own friends?

Original poster
Misscromwellrocks · 07/01/2020 15:48

We're hoping we've made it clear that we will not be coming on any sightseeing trips or expecting the daughter to be with us very much and that, for the main meal out of the trip we will mot be modifying our conversation to suit an uninvited teenager.

OP posts:
GlamGiraffe · 07/01/2020 15:49

She’s 18, not 8 so would probably enjoy a girls weekend away.

But it's not just a girls weekend is it
It's specifically a weekend for catching up with old friends and reminiscing and having a laugh. That is very different to a straightforward girls' weekend IMO. This only works if you were one of the people who were one of the original gang. New people (especially your kids) dont understand the in jokes etc and change the dynamic.

Roussette · 07/01/2020 15:49

She’s 18, not 8 so would probably enjoy a girls weekend away

My adult DCs would not like me there for a whole weekend away with their friends. Ditto. I would not want one of my DCs with me when I go away with my friends. The only common factor is that everyone is female. That doesn't make it OK.

I would've challenged this straight off when I heard, with a text saying 'you are joking about bringing your daughter, aren't you????'

QueenOfTheFae · 07/01/2020 15:52

Could the rest of you not still do that and your friend and daughter can go off sightseeing and catch up with you in the evenings?

Because that's not the planned holiday

Original poster
Misscromwellrocks · 07/01/2020 15:52

I'm sure some of my colleagues would enjoy a girls weekend away but Ithst does4mean I'd invite them along to a university reunion that they were never part of in the first place.

OP posts:
usernamerisnotavailable · 07/01/2020 15:53

This would not fly with my friend group at all and whilst I think your friends message is ok, I think you would have all been well within your rights to say no fucking way.

MulticolourMophead · 07/01/2020 15:53

I would hate this, I do a lot with my adult DD, but would never invite her to a specific group of friends without asking. Adding in a random just changes the dynamic, and it's so rude to just present it as a fait accompli.

Original poster
Misscromwellrocks · 07/01/2020 15:53

That doesn't mean.....

Bloody phone.

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 07/01/2020 15:53

Promise not to say anything tooo embarrassing in front of dd

for the main meal out of the trip we will mot be modifying our conversation to suit an uninvited teenager.

No, this is what you've said so far OP and it doesn't match up at all.

billy1966 · 07/01/2020 15:55

OP, I think your response is very wishy washy.

Your friend is incredibly rude, entitled, and selfish to unilaterally think she can announce someone joining the weekend.

I presume this has taken some scheduling for you all, and for her to tell, and not ask, is beyond presumptuous.

Don't you presume that she will get your wishy washy response.

If ye decided to cut her out of the weekend, I would think ye were completely justified.

It would certainly alter how I would view said friend.,🙄

Roussette · 07/01/2020 15:55

I wouldn't even want the 18 yo at the meal in the evening! That's when you drink too much, stay up too late, reminisce, get silly, talk about old boyfriends, sex, stupid stuff you did as kids etc.

How can you do that with someone's daughter there?

Maybe it's different for me but my friends go back to childhood, there a lot of shared history!

I would now text and say... look, it's probably best if you do your own thing in Paris, we'll just carry on doing what we had all planned, if we see you... fine. If not, no worries. Hope you have a good time with your daughter.

RapunzelsRealMom · 07/01/2020 15:58

I had a friend who'd do this with every arrangement we'd make. She genuinely didn't get that her child(ren)'s attendance completely changed the dynamic of any adult-only situation. It's so selfish!

It's similar to those parents who want to share pics of each and every minute change in their baby, every tooth, smile, bowel movement...
Yes, we like your child but not as much as you do! FFS

RevIMJolly · 07/01/2020 16:00

I’m afraid I don’t think she will get the message. Anyone who thinks that it’s acceptable to invite her DD to a reunion will just ignore it.
I think you have to say;
‘Just to be clear, shall we still keep a place for you at the dinner on Saturday night, or will you be eating alone with DD?’

anon2000000000 · 07/01/2020 16:02

I was there last month and there were rail/air and bus strikes so getting around to see the sights on public transport might be problematic if that's the plan.

Justabadwife · 07/01/2020 16:02

You could out do your friend on the CFery front and bring a random stranger along (aka me) and see how she feels? I'm always up for a few days away. :)

I think your other friends message was really good. Hope you have a good time regardless and it doesnt spoil the dynamic too much.

anon2000000000 · 07/01/2020 16:02

The plan for your friends daughter.

HollowTalk · 07/01/2020 16:03

If there was a reason why her daughter had to be there, she would've said, "I can't really leave DD at the moment as she's going through a tough time. Do you mind if I bring her? I'll be out with her all day and I'll make sure I come to dinner without her."

She seems to think you'd be delighted to have a teenager with you all weekend - but why would anyone think that?

IrmaFayLear · 07/01/2020 16:05

Very rude of friend.

Reminds me of when dh organised a rare (ancient) lads' weekend to an away football fixture, only to find that one of the two friends going had brought his wife. Dh was livid as he had had no intention of driving hundreds of miles to sit and have "a nice meal" instead of pub crawl in dodgy town.

SanAntonio · 07/01/2020 16:05

So you have invited her daughter to the meal?

You should have said- hope she won't find it too boring being alone whilst we go out.