Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about friend's daughter coming along

302 replies

Misscromwellrocks · 07/01/2020 13:36

I have a weekend in Paris booked in March with a few old uni friends. It's the first time in years that we've all gone away together.

One friend has now announced that her 18 year old daughter will be coming along. Most of us haven't seen this girl since she was about 12 and in any event this is meant to be a meet up of old friends.

I've only spoken to one other member of the group since we heard about this, and she's annoyed too.

WWBU to contact friend and try to tactfully dissuade her? I don't want to cause a row or hurt anyone's feelings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Misscromwellrocks · 07/01/2020 14:04

Will try and guage how the others feel.

I was thinking of the 'I hope she won't be bored, sitting around with us old fogies when she'd probably rather be doing more exciting things..'. approach.

Apart from anything else I have no intention of spending the weekend visiting the Eiffel Tower dtc

OP posts:
whatdoyouthinkyouknow · 07/01/2020 14:04

The thing is, if you say no daughter now she's been invited by her mum, it will affect your friendship and she may cancel anyway.

What I'd do in your situation is what PP suggested. Say you aren't planning on sightseeing just concentrating on meals out and spending time at markets and patisseries.

I'd say she's welcome to bring her daughter and meet up with you all but that you won't be sightseeing and that you understand if she wants to do this with her daughter.

You'll see her, but you've made your position clear before the event so there are no mixed expectations.

I think if she's already invited her daughter along the dynamic is changed no matter what your action now.

I'd make the best of it by being clear and have fun with your girlfriends.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/01/2020 14:05

More eating in nice restaurants, catching up, visiting a market one of us used to work in and that sort of easy going stuff.

Could the rest of you not still do that and your friend and daughter can go off sightseeing and catch up with you in the evenings?

Original poster
Misscromwellrocks · 07/01/2020 14:09

I agree the best approach, if the girl does come along is to let her and her mum sightsee together.

But there is at least one member of the group who I know will feel bad about this and try and accommodate them and suggest in front of them that we all go along and generally make things awkward.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 07/01/2020 14:10

She's so unreasonable. I wouldn't be happy about this change to the plans/dynamic you had in place. I'd probably canvas the others or say something like "we weren't planning on bringing kids. Perhaps that's something we could do another time."

MorrisZapp · 07/01/2020 14:11

It's pointless suggesting the girl might be bored, as the mum clearly doesn't think this or she wouldn't have invited her. You need to be brave and say it doesn't suit you, not make it about being kind to the daughter.

Drum2018 · 07/01/2020 14:11

I'd let her know that the rest of you won't be partaking in site seeing as you've done all that before, so it will be a pity that she misses time out with you all while she is showing her dd around. I cannot imagine taking my 18 year old to a meal out with friends, let alone a weekend in Paris. It's ridiculous. And the suggestion of her having MH issues isn't enough reason to have her tag along. If this was the case, then the mother could just stay home with her. I'd say it's a case of the mother killing two birds with one stone, expecting to have a girlie weekend and mother/daughter weekend rolled into one so she doesn't have to spend more money on 2 separate weekends away. I wouldn't be happy about it. Do any of you have younger kids? Why not suggest to her that you take your younger kids too - see what she thinks of that!

MapMyMum · 07/01/2020 14:11

This is a tough one because even if you word it too harshly that you're not sight seeing it might cause an atmosphere, but I think I would have to say something along the lines of "hope none of you mind but I was hoping I could spend the time relaxing and eating, I dont have the energy for sightseeing at the moment" then if others want they can say the same as you and if not then they can go with friend and her dd.

I hate it when people try and mix groups like this, I find then very socially unaware

Ponoka7 · 07/01/2020 14:12

Tackle that one member of the group before you go and tell her what your intentions are and that that's what you will definitely be doing, even if it means splitting up.

SandyY2K · 07/01/2020 14:12

This would piss me off. A friend did this...but just to a restaurant for a ladies night out.

It totally changed the dynamics. We weren't prewarned either.

I'm not quite sure I could say anything, I'd see if I could get my money back and not go...I'd make up an excuse.

It's just rude...but clearly not everyone thinks so...or they don't care, as at least 2 pp would do this.

Rosebel · 07/01/2020 14:12

I'd do what another poster suggested. Suggest to your friend she stays on for a few days and her daughter flies out to meet her on the day you come home. That way you can all catch up and then she can spend quality time with her daughter.
I totally get you being pissed off. I had to change my hen party plans because my SIL insisted on bringing my niece with her (12 at the time).

BloggersNetwork · 07/01/2020 14:13

This would annoy me so much, I wouldn't go. Or else, you all bring your kids too!

SproutMuncher · 07/01/2020 14:13

I’m raging on your behalf - your friend is so rude. You wouldn’t be unreasonable to raise it with her but it is likely to cause fallout, and if it were me I’d keep quiet. I think your plan of making clear you won’t be doing sightseeing etc is a good one, and maybe you’ll get some time to yourselves while she takes her daughter to see the arc de triomphe or whatever

Intensicle · 07/01/2020 14:13

Why do people do this? It’s so rude.

Teensruletheroost · 07/01/2020 14:15

That is awkward, you are in a difficult position and as a pp said it is a lose lose for you really. Either she comes and the dynamic changes or she doesn't come and the friend is grumpy about it.

YANBU to be annoyed nor to try and persuade her to do a separate trip with her DD. Good Luck!

Whynosnowyet · 07/01/2020 14:15

I had a pre night out drinks get together for my hen night at a friend's house.
She invited her dc..
A ds in his 20 's...
Some people just are thick ime..

Strongmummy · 07/01/2020 14:16

Wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. The daughter would just have to listen to us boring old farts

Scarydinosaurs · 07/01/2020 14:16

I wonder if there is an important reason for her wanting to bring her? It is so odd, that it would make me think her daughter might be feeling vulnerable for some reason, and her mother doesn’t want to leave her

misspiggy19 · 07/01/2020 14:16

That’s rude. You can’t just invite an additional person without discussing it with the group. Whether it’s her daughter or not

^This. Your friend is incredibly rude. She didn’t even ask if it was okay, just announced her daughter was coming.

I wouldn’t want to go on the trip anymore. Dynamics will totally change.

Jaxhog · 07/01/2020 14:17

It's just rude. You wouldn't accept someone inviting a random person to join you, so it isn't acceptable to just invite her DD either. It's ok to ask, but not to assume. I think you collectively need to say no to this.

Nanny0gg · 07/01/2020 14:18

@okiedokieme
I might take my dd in such circumstances, perhaps she is having a hard time or cannot be left, my 20 year old is hard to leave due to asd and mh

Really? Without discussing it with the people you've arranged to go with? Why wouldn't you just take your DD on your own?

MzHz · 07/01/2020 14:19

You need to absolutely discuss this with the weakest link who will cave and suggest everyone goes along to make sure that the deal with this girl coming at all is specifically that her dm will be taking her sightseeing while the rest of you do the stuff you’ve gone to Paris to do.

Then you speak to the friend and say to her that if her dd wants to sightsee and stuff that this isn’t what everyone else had in mind and therefore if she wants to take her along that she’s free to go off and do that but you’ll carry on with wining and dining etc.

Some people need the wake up call conversation!

Who does this? Just make a decision to invite someone - anyone - let alone a kid, without ASKING everyone else if that’s ok.

SandyY2K · 07/01/2020 14:20

It's not really about the DD listening to 'old foggies'.

It's the fact that you can't talk as you normally would with the DD present.

If a group are going away, you cant just invite another person without prior consultation....there's also something about inviting appropriate ppl in relation to the group.

If she wants to holiday with DD... she should make a separate trip.

MrsAgassi · 07/01/2020 14:23

Very rude of your friend. She should have asked first and whilst it may have been awkward to be totally honest with her at least you would have been given the opportunity to say no.

I would just say that considering you’ve seen it all before, you were just looking forward to doing lots of eating and catching up with everyone rather than sightseeing.

AryaStarkWolf · 07/01/2020 14:24

Yeah i wouldn't be happy about that either, totally changes the dynamic

Swipe left for the next trending thread