To be angry my best friend is emigrating?

[rainbowdreamer0]

A bit of background - my best friend and I met at nursery school over 30 years ago. She is basically a sister to me and we have been through everything together. It’s hard to put into words how close we are - we chat every day without fail and see each other all the time despite not living in the same city anymore. We’ve been on countless trips and holidays and we’ve been there for each other at the drop of a hat numerous times. She is genuinely more like family to me than a friend, and as I don’t have any siblings she is the sister I never had. I don’t have anyone else I can rely on in the same way as her.

She met an Aussie a few years ago and mentioned they might emigrate at some point. I didn’t take it well and told her I thought it was pretty selfish as her parents are elderly and she’s an only child. We had a bit of a row about it and the topic has never come up since.

Fast forward to now - I’m 7 months pregnant (due in early March, hormones pretty crazy at the moment) and I had a call last night to say she and her husband are moving to Oz at the end of the month and she has a work visa initially for a short period but the likelihood is that she won’t be coming back. I want to be a good friend and supportive but I feel really hurt that she has kept this all from me until now, and also that she is leaving just weeks before my baby is due. I had always imagined our kids growing up together as we did and I find the thought of her moving absolutely devastating. I have been up all night crying and feel physically sick. I feel angry that she is choosing to leave at a time when she knows I will really need her. It’s like she doesn’t give a toss about me anymore. AIBU to be angry at how she’s handled this and the fact she is leaving just weeks before the baby is born?

maybe it is a little dramatic but the last conversation we had about this was 4 years ago and I literally had a call last night to say she is moving in just a few weeks.

That’s your own fault, OP. You stopped her being able to confide in you so she left it as long as she could before telling you so you couldn’t further shit on her happiness.

She was worried about telling you, and she shouldn’t have been. Your actions have caused her stress and anxiety over you when she should be celebrating with you.

@BeyondMyWits I’m sorry to hear that, it must have been so tough for you. I think that’s what I fear - knowing that even with modern technology and occasional visits it won’t be the same.

I can understand you being upset about her leaving, but it's not nice to make her feel bad about wanting to move closer to her husband's family. My siblings all live overseas, far away from our Mum, as that's where the best career opportunities were for them. If I decided I wanted to emigrate I can't imagine my elderly Mum trying to guilt trip me or talk me out of it.

I understand how upset you are - two of my best friends live abroad and it’s really heartbreaking. Another of my really good friends did when we were in her twenties, and she’s back now.

But you’re only thinking of you: she’s about to do something really big and really exciting but also scary. Be a good friend to her. There’s no reason why you can’t stay friends after she’s moved.

You seem to talk about what you want from the friendship, but don’t seem to be giving her much in return.

Of course her parents will be upset. I would be if my kids moved abroad. But I’d also be excited for them! Surely what you want for your kids is to have a wonderful life, full of adventures? They can go on extended visits, as PPs have said. But I suspect you might be using their feelings as an excuse to back up your own...

I understand how upset you are and how shocked. You can't help how you feel and of course you will miss her terribly. I felt similar when someone very close to me suddenly said she was leaving the country. But as I know you already know it is her life and she has to live it the way she wants to.She probably didn't tell you her plans before because she knew you would be upset so waited until the plans were firmed up. I think it's OK to tell her you are upset and you will miss her but also tell her you love her and will support her. These days it is so much easier to stay in touch., You can send photos and messages every day if you want to and SKYPE really is great. It's not as good as being with the person but much better than not seeing or talking to them.
You can't change what is happening but you can learn to live with it and make the most of it. Good luck and concentrate on your baby.

It can be like a blow below the belt leaving you gasping when really disappointing news lands suddenly. I get how you feel.
But don't you think your friend was perhaps envious when you married and got pregnant , as a single friend I probably I would have been.
Are you taking on too much of your parents' problems? You don't have a magic wand to turn them back into fit, young people. It is what it is, with a new baby on the way are you already worrying about how to fit in DP support. That may have coloured your view on you friend 'abandoning' hers.

I understand op. I agree that she's being selfish under the circumstances of her parents having no other children, but her partner has siblings.

I’d feel completely broadsides OP, I get why you’re so upset. A few weeks isn’t much time to get used to it.

But your childish reaction to her mentioning this ages ago is precisely why!

Think you need to look at your options and see if you can move to Oz with her. Only sensible and rational solution.

OP, I can understand the huge disappointment and hurt. You really love your friend.

My advice would be, despite the longevity of the friendship, do not take it for granted.

Friendships, no matter how long, can be very fragile.

You need to filter your emotions, and words, BIG TIME.

Get your crying and upset finished with, and plaster on your game face.

Your upset and words, caused her, rightly IMO, not to include you in her decision.

That is a nail in the coffin of your friendship already.

These are huge decisions she's making, and she didn't share them with you for possibly many months, because of your reaction.

She is going either way.

You need to get on board, and support her completely, in her right to make this decision.

Otherwise she will filter you out of her life and I wouldn't blame.

She needs you to step up and support her in this decision, so that YOU are the first person she calls for a chat when she is there.

It will be a new dynamic, but many, many people maintain relationships this way.

The ball is in your court as to how you want this to play out.

Wishing you well.

I was gutted when my best friends emigrated to Australia. Like you, She was (is) like a sister to me. I’m the godmother to her son, maid of honour at each other’s wedding etc. I had a few tears and found it hard to readjust.

However, I didn’t tell my best friend any of this of course. I was happy and positive and excited for them all to her face and helped with her planning, sent a goody package within a few weeks etc. I didn’t want her to ever think I wasn’t happy for her, because that would be selfish.

It’s been nearly 4 years now, and honestly, we are still very close, I am completely fine about it, and I still talk to all of them regularly over FaceTime. The only issue now is I worry about them because of the fires.

Yanbu to be upset
YABU to blame her and be selfish and negative about it all.

I agree that she's being selfish under the circumstances of her parents having no other children

Antihop I'm an only child (I also have no children). Are you suggesting I should only make life choices that suit my parents rather than me? I had always assumed people chose to have children because they wanted them, rather than chose to have them to have people to dictate to and ensure they stay around to cater for their every whim as they age.

@ScotsinOz thanks for sharing your story. It’s interesting to hear how you’ve seen it from both sides and it’s lovely that everything has worked out for you.

"I feel angry that she is choosing to leave at a time when she knows I will really need her"

Wow

You are being ridiculously unreasonable. If you want to maintain the friendship then you need to stop being so selfish. It's totally understandable that you are upset - anyone would be in your situation. But to actually be angry at her makes you seem like a spoilt little child who hasn't yet learned to think of others. You are being a terrible friend right now. I'd take a few deep breaths and try and think of this from her point of view. You don't want to completely lose her as a friend (or maybe you do and that's why you're lashing out? Makes it easier to say goodbye to her?)

Why should she wait a few weeks for your baby to be born? You need to remember that her emigration is as important, to her, as your baby's birth is to you.

Yes it's disappointing and a shock, but this is about HER life, not just how it will affect you

I agree that she's being selfish under the circumstances of her parents having no other children.

I would be absolutely devastated if my daughter turned down a life changing opportunity because of me. You don't have children so that they can be your pets/carers. You have them so that they can become people in their own right and make their own way in the world.

YABVVVVU

I understand that it is disappointing and upsetting when a friend moves abroad but YABVU to be angry. You are making it all about you. She does not have to put her plans on hold because you are having a baby. She does not have to raise her kids alongside yours and live in your pocket all her life.

Telling her that she was being selfish because she has elderly parents is pathetic. I don't mean to sound harsh but her parents aren't going to be around forever. She has to live her own life, only child or not.

Blimey, you're no friend of hers.

YABVeryU

I left a country I'd emigrated to as a child to return home. I left behind friends of 20 years' duration. But they understood that I needed to be back home. I see them eery couple of years or so and we pick up where we left off.

Your anger is totally unreasonable. Are you denying your friend the opportunity to live her life as she wants and needs to do?

Not much of a friend, then ...

Oh goodness, OP. You've messed up, I'm afraid. It's OK to be sad about this, but you don't own her (neither, for that matter, do her parents, only child or no). I think your definition of her as 'like family' and 'the sister I never had' (does she share this view?) has led you to think you have 'rights' over her. And of course she was going to drop it on you, after your thinking it was acceptable to start a row with her the first time she mentioned anything of the sort.

Were you expecting her to revolve around you once the baby is born (your comment about this being a time you'll really need her)?

Her husband is an Aussie and she has previously mentioned emigrating - how on Earth are you stupid enough for this to come as a complete shock out of the blue? Did you honestly not think it would be on the radar at some point.

You're being ridiculously selfish and to be honest if I were your mate I'd think I was having a lucky escape. She knows your predicament with your parents so she's moving out there aware you won't be able to visit - perhaps you're one of the driving forces behind her leaving? You sound utterly suffocating.

She hasn’t kept you informed because you threw such a strop when she mentioned it before!

You will destroy your relationship with her completely if you carry on like this. It won’t be her fault for moving, it’ll be yours for reacting in this way.

YABU and would be even if she was your actual sister. Sad, yes, but not angry.