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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry my best friend is emigrating?

450 replies

rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 07:06

A bit of background - my best friend and I met at nursery school over 30 years ago. She is basically a sister to me and we have been through everything together. It’s hard to put into words how close we are - we chat every day without fail and see each other all the time despite not living in the same city anymore. We’ve been on countless trips and holidays and we’ve been there for each other at the drop of a hat numerous times. She is genuinely more like family to me than a friend, and as I don’t have any siblings she is the sister I never had. I don’t have anyone else I can rely on in the same way as her.

She met an Aussie a few years ago and mentioned they might emigrate at some point. I didn’t take it well and told her I thought it was pretty selfish as her parents are elderly and she’s an only child. We had a bit of a row about it and the topic has never come up since.

Fast forward to now - I’m 7 months pregnant (due in early March, hormones pretty crazy at the moment) and I had a call last night to say she and her husband are moving to Oz at the end of the month and she has a work visa initially for a short period but the likelihood is that she won’t be coming back. I want to be a good friend and supportive but I feel really hurt that she has kept this all from me until now, and also that she is leaving just weeks before my baby is due. I had always imagined our kids growing up together as we did and I find the thought of her moving absolutely devastating. I have been up all night crying and feel physically sick. I feel angry that she is choosing to leave at a time when she knows I will really need her. It’s like she doesn’t give a toss about me anymore. AIBU to be angry at how she’s handled this and the fact she is leaving just weeks before the baby is born?

OP posts:
Lulu1919 · 06/01/2020 07:27

I do feel for you ...I really do ....BUT try really hard to be positive and kind to her....it wouldn't have been an easy decision for her I'm sure,leaving her family and friends ...
Skype lots....and maybe a visit...? I know it's expensive but could be something to save up for .

MindYours · 06/01/2020 07:28

It's very unhealthy to be THIS invested in another person.

Weepingwillows12 · 06/01/2020 07:29

I understand why you are having upset especially with your world about to go upside down with a baby but theres nothing you can do here. She has made a decision to go and it cant gave been an easy one. You need to tell her you will miss her but wish her luck. If it helps at all, you will be really busy with a baby and may not notice her gone as much as you think. Time difference may work for you with all the night wakings etc. Sorry though. I understand you feel like you are being abandoned but it's your job to support her this time.

PityParty4one · 06/01/2020 07:31

Being sad and upset that your best friend is moving is understandable on ok.
Being angry is not.
Yes your having a baby and you had a lovely idea that your children would grow up together but that was your plan for the future not hers.
Be happy that your friend is doing something exciting that makes her happy and show her that you as her best friend want the best for her.

MyNewBearTotoro · 06/01/2020 07:31

Shame you turned the voting off as I think this would be one of those 100% YABU threads.

This isn’t about you and your friend has a right to consider what’s best for her life without needing to take into account her adult friend, especially as you’re pregnant and presumably in a long term relationship. It’s not like you’re all alone but for her!

If last time she mentioned it you had a row and the audacity to call her selfish then you are not the good friend you think you are and no wonder she hasn’t told you until the last minute.

BillHadersNewWife · 06/01/2020 07:31

It's hard...but that's life. Instead of focusing on your loss, focus on her new start. You can have holidays with her if she invites you. I am the girl who emigrated. My best friend...similar to yours...been close for years and years...she was very sad but she's managed.

It's life. Move on.

transformandriseup · 06/01/2020 07:32

YANBU to be upset as I would be gutted if my best friend moved away. Angry is a different matter and I would accept that it is her choice.

insanepizza · 06/01/2020 07:32

I think it is ok to be sad and tell her you'll be gutted and miss her. But you can't be angry with her!

I lived abroad for seven years, had my first child abroad. My best friend and I Skyped lots and visited. Let her live her life, she cannot let it revolve around you and this poor timing due to you having abs y is too much.

Mandarinfish · 06/01/2020 07:33

YANBU to be upset. My best friend emigrated to Australia over 10 years ago and I still miss her Sad. But of course it’s her decision.

GoddessOfTransformativeWrath · 06/01/2020 07:34

You are not being unreasonable to be very upset.
X

Weirdly i had this at 23. Friend one year older went to Aus. She began to guilt me for not visiting. I was angry then. She was in a house with her husband and she had a secure job that was in demand there, and she was guilting me for not plundering my savings to visit her! That was the end of us im afraid.

neverornow · 06/01/2020 07:34

My best friend lives far away and I'm in contact with her more than the ones who live on my doorstep.

Please don't tell her you're angry, you'll regret it down the line when you realize that it's actually a little bit selfish of you to be this way.

Willow2017 · 06/01/2020 07:35

It's okay to be upset your friend is leaving but your reaction is way ott.

It's no surprise she hadn't told you sooner considering your reaction last time she mentioned it. It's not about you it's her life she can do whatever she likes. You are an adult she isn't your personal prop to be there whenever you want her to be she has her own life to live first and foremost. Why on earth do you think you can dictate where someone lives or what they do in thier life?

Call her and apologise for being so selfish before and make the most of the time before she goes. You can talk on Viber or Skype whenever you want when she has moved and start saving for your first visit.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 06/01/2020 07:37

Angry Gosh, I wonder why she didn't tell you before. Hmm

You already live in separate cities. You can keep in touch by Skype, social media etc. It's not like 50 years ago, she won't be gone for a decade before they can afford to make a return visit (or before you can get out there to visit).

lastqueenofscotland · 06/01/2020 07:38

Being upset is ok and very normal. You are being very strange. As others have said being this invested in one friend is incredibly unhealthy. As manifested by your, quite frankly, bizarre reaction

phoenixrosehere · 06/01/2020 07:40

YABVU

She told you beforehand and you called her selfish because of her parents’ age insinuating that she should put her life on hold for her parents until they perish. Now, she has given you an actual date despite your own poor reaction the first time and again you are not only still unsupportive, but you have made it about yourself. When in your eyes will she be allowed to live her life how she chooses and wants? Seems like as long as YOU are satisfied, her needs and wants don’t matter which makes you a very poor friend, even more so considering how long you have been friends.

You consider this woman your sister, but how would you feel if she had said something negative about your pregnancy and concentrated on her needs and others except for yours? You would be quite upset.

My best friend and I have an ocean separating us and have done so for almost a decade. We have never met each other’s children in person but Skype. Yes, we miss each other, but our lives took us to different places. Yet, we’re both happy where we are despite the distance. We still communicate when we can. We’re still there when we need each other. If she reacted the same way as you did and vice versa, we would have likely ended our friendship or status downgraded. Friends don’t stand in each other’s way of happiness.

You can disagree and be supportive, but since you aren’t supportive whatsoever, it is probably best you think about how much this friendship really means to you because frankly she deserves better and you need to be a better friend.

implantsandaDyson · 06/01/2020 07:40

It's not selfish to know you'll miss your friend, but it is beyond selfish to want someone else to live their life in the way that best suits you. Listen to what you're saying - you are angry that a grown woman has chosen to start a new life, you also don't think she should have that choice because of her parents or because you have chosen to have a child- that's low - 7 months pregnant or not.

I wonder how you'll react if your child chooses to move away when they're older?

caulkheaded · 06/01/2020 07:40

Anger is often a secondary emotion. We feel angry to cover that we feel hurt/frustrated/jealous etc because it’s often easier. It’s possible to bring hurt and frustrations that are projected onto a different relationship too that were formed a long time ago.
A close friend moved to Uganda last year and I was jealous and sad. I missed her. We talked a lot about how our friendship would work in different continents - things like how we would speak most easily and when we could visit each other and that helped.

Wildorchidz · 06/01/2020 07:41

Yabu.

AllyBamma · 06/01/2020 07:42

Of course YABU and no wonder she didn’t tell you until just now, you’ve made this whole thing about you, how it affects you, why it’s bad for you and haven’t paused for a moment to be happy for her and to be supportive. Get over yourself.

hidinginthenightgarden · 06/01/2020 07:43

She didn't tell you because she knew you would be upset.
Try to be supportive or you may lose her forever.
I think Devestated is the word you should be using rather than angry.

NotACleverName · 06/01/2020 07:43

This HAS to be a reverse. Has to. I refuse to believe that anyone is this self-absorbed.

MissChananderlerbong · 06/01/2020 07:47

It sounds like shes known about this for a whole, considering how soon shes moving.
She obviously is afraid how you'll react.

For tha sake of the friendship be there for her, be kind and supportive. When she calls you saying shes homesick during the first week tell her that's normal and she'll be ok.
If you get angry at her or encourage her home I think it will affect your relationship.

MyOtherProfile · 06/01/2020 07:47

And this is why I've always encouraged my kids to have lots of friends and not one BFF. It's just not thathealthy to put all your eggs in one basket.

corythatwas · 06/01/2020 07:47

Those prefacing their remarks with "It is selfish to move abroad particularly if you have elderly parents"- did you not notice that OP's friend's husband is an Aussie: isn't he equally selfish to stay in the UK with the OP's friend? What are people in international marriages supposed to do?

ShatnersWig · 06/01/2020 07:48

I feel angry that she is choosing to leave at a time when she knows I will really need her. It’s like she doesn’t give a toss about me anymore

She's putting herself and her husband first. As she should. Why will you really need her? Why isn't your husband/partner doing to be there for you? Where are your actual family? Why don't you have anyone else you can rely on like you can rely on her (your words)? Have you pissed them all off in the past by being a user and selfish and only wanting their friendship because it was useful?

I feel really hurt that she has kept this all from me until now

Blatantly obvious why she kept it from you bearing in mind how you reacted and spoke to her when she discussed the possibility with you previously.

AIBU to be angry at how she’s handled this and the fact she is leaving just weeks before the baby is born?

YABVU. It's normal to be upset a someone moving so far away but how you could call them selfish when it's all about you, you, you and how this friend can help you, is amazing. And let's not try and use the pregnancy hormones excuse because you weren't pregnant when you called them selfish previously.