To be angry my best friend is emigrating?

[rainbowdreamer0]

A bit of background - my best friend and I met at nursery school over 30 years ago. She is basically a sister to me and we have been through everything together. It’s hard to put into words how close we are - we chat every day without fail and see each other all the time despite not living in the same city anymore. We’ve been on countless trips and holidays and we’ve been there for each other at the drop of a hat numerous times. She is genuinely more like family to me than a friend, and as I don’t have any siblings she is the sister I never had. I don’t have anyone else I can rely on in the same way as her.

She met an Aussie a few years ago and mentioned they might emigrate at some point. I didn’t take it well and told her I thought it was pretty selfish as her parents are elderly and she’s an only child. We had a bit of a row about it and the topic has never come up since.

Fast forward to now - I’m 7 months pregnant (due in early March, hormones pretty crazy at the moment) and I had a call last night to say she and her husband are moving to Oz at the end of the month and she has a work visa initially for a short period but the likelihood is that she won’t be coming back. I want to be a good friend and supportive but I feel really hurt that she has kept this all from me until now, and also that she is leaving just weeks before my baby is due. I had always imagined our kids growing up together as we did and I find the thought of her moving absolutely devastating. I have been up all night crying and feel physically sick. I feel angry that she is choosing to leave at a time when she knows I will really need her. It’s like she doesn’t give a toss about me anymore. AIBU to be angry at how she’s handled this and the fact she is leaving just weeks before the baby is born?

Up all night crying?
You sound very dramatic. Your friend is entitled to live her life as she wishes. She probably only told you now because she knew you would overreact.

I have been up all night crying and feel physically sick. I feel angry that she is choosing to leave at a time when she knows I will really need her. It’s like she doesn’t give a toss about me anymore. AIBU to be angry at how she’s handled this and the fact she is leaving just weeks before the baby is born?

This is not all about you. She is emigrating because of things going on in her own life and that's her choice, it's what she wants to do. You shouldn't be angry with her, it's not her job to be there for you when you have a baby, that's for you and your family.

How are you defining elderly?

You must both be in your mid-30s?

Her parents can't be much older than 70? I'm sure sh's thought about this. I know people who have a daughter living in Oz who go and visit for 6 weeks every year. They all have a wonderful time together.

@ShatnersWig

Other than my parents who are both chronically ill I don’t have any other family. I do have a supportive husband and other friends but as mentioned previously she is my oldest and best friend and we have both always relied on each other.

I do regret that our previous discussion led to me saying she was selfish for leaving her parents but it’s how I felt at the time when she dropped it into conversation.

Grow up.

I understand you’re upset, however you will still have all your family and other friends around when your friend leaving will have no one except her husband.

I’ve been the friend emigrating to Australia with my husband, as well as the friend waving other friends off around the world. I was sad when friends moved, but have managed to keep in touch with my best ones and my UK friends when I moved to Australia.

Although it was an “adventure” moving to Australia, I had no friends, just my husband and we found Australian’s didn’t “get” us and so it took a while to make friends (most are expats), and there were times I felt like crying because I just wanted to have a girls day out and I no girls to do it with. My friends overseas were an awesome support during this time and your friend might need support too.

It’s okay that you’re upset, but she will be too, and you need to be supportive of her decision or you will lose your friend once she’s gone to Australia.

The comment about her parents was out of line. I felt guilty leaving my parents and my older brother, however my parents encouraged me to live my life and take the opportunity offered to me. Fortunately my parents and then brother emigrated to Australia once I had my twins. Her parents may do the same or your friend may not like Australia and might move back to the UK.

Maybe you should visit once she’s settled - you might like it and want to move there.

@Amaretto thank you, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. It has come massively out of the blue and I would like to think that after the shock has worn off I will be able to be genuinely happy for her. I don’t want to lose her, I’m just so sad that we won’t have the friendship I always imagined we would. It’s great to hear you’ve managed to stay close to your friends.

This is very self-centred from you. It's your friends life she is able to do as she pleases and I'm sure she has considered her parents before making this decision.

So it's OK for you to have a nice married life and have children, But she's not allowed to follow her own path, and settle down with her man where they see fit. You are extremely selfish and if you are not careful you will push her away. I live abroad, and i have a best friend in the UK. We see eachother everytime I fly over, and speak via what's app a few times a week. Our relantionship has not been harmed at all. A real friend respects your choices in life and supports you through everything. You have a husband. Show your friend some support and be excited for her! This is an awesome adventure she is embarking upon.

The chances of me being able to go and visit her are pretty slim - I am a carer for my parents and they don’t have anyone else to help them.

Are you sure you're not a tiny bit resentful of her because you feel you have to look after your parents while she's carrying on and doing what's best for her?

If your parents need care it might be worth contacting social services for support. There's nothing wrong with being there for them but you can't put your life on hold and never do anything for yourself.

What will your parents do when the baby arrives?

Did you ask what her future plans were likely to be before getting pregnant?

Thought not . . .

Oh, the delicious irony of you calling her selfish...

Work through your feelings, but don’t make them known to her, or you’ll lose her altogether. Btw, she has done nothing wrong.

YABVVU

Also - her parents may be delighted that she is in love and looking forward to the future, even though they know they will miss her.

(Personally I'd be more worried about the current horrific bush fires out there, than that I wouldn't see her often, but hey, ho)

I moved to Spain a few years ago. My best friend had a reaction similarly to yours. I was selfish, why was I leaving; it would change everything. She made the move horrendous, I could understand her sadness but her anger was palpable. I stayed in touch as normal in the first week, it was clear she couldn't be excited for me or support me at all, she was angry and annoyed at me for leaving, she didn't want me to settle or make new friends. We stopped talking as much and she'd blocked me by the time I'd been there w fortnight. She could not get over me leaving and how selfish I'd been to not consider her.

I moved back unexpectedly after a year, and slowly we've reconnected, although it'll never be what it was. It was a big magnifying glass on how little she cared about me and my happiness, and how she felt I should have put her first at all times.

Be very careful that you don't push her away if she means as much to you as you claim. You may have been better to keep your initial response to yourself, had a cry by yourself or to your husband about your upset for your plans that won't happen and your feelings of abandonment, and then gone back to her with a more supportive front even if you didn't feel it yet. You must be able to see that she feels it's a good idea to build her life there, even if you don't, and that they've clearly been talking about this seriously for a while. Perhaps she also thought you were being selfish and didn't consider her when you got pregnant? That was likely to cause a big change to the friendship too.

I do sympathise with how you're feeling and hormones will be playing a part here too, but you need to step carefully now to prevent seriously damaging your friendship, especially if she'll have to be the one doing most of the visiting.

@ohprettybaby thank you. Yes I am close to her parents as well and will definitely do what I can to support them. I don’t want to lose the friendship and will do everything I can to keep it going. I’m still in a state of massive shock at the moment.

Op YABU but it is understandable. My friend's sister emigrated to Australia 5 years ago and she did feel angry at the time. However they Skype a few times a week and have both visited each other. You will make it work but I understand your upset ❤️

Hi OP. I feel your pain. My sister emigrated to Australia a few years ago. it's devastating and I don't feel I know my niece's any more. Emails and whatsapp are not a replacement for real contact. I can't afford to visit her and may never do so.

I think staying to meet your child is a red herring really. Your friend won't see your chld regularly and your child won't know your friend really, at least until they are much much older.

I think those people saying you are over-reacting are being cruel and don't understand grief. When my sister left it was like a death, though worse in some ways as it was someone choosing not to be part of any family celebrations again. You will likely experience the range of emotions which death brings. That includes anger. That does not mean your friend has done anything wrong though. She does have the right to move away and if she feels OK about leaving her elderly parents then that's for her to come to terms with. We can't judge how others support, or don't support,. their family. Relationships are too complicated for that. Elderly people with no family do manage so I guess they will too.

I'd encourage you to talk to someone other than your friend. You need support right now and you need to be able to express all the emotions you are feeling without that affecting the friendship in the future. You may, or may not, want the friendship to continue. I wouldn't personally as I've had other friends emigrate too and if you don't see someone more than every 15 years, for me, it's a barrier to a relationship being close enough to continue. But there are others who think these kinds of long-distance relationships are worth investing in and that could well be you so you don't want to do any more damage to this relationship right now.

Please ignore all the judgement and shaming directed at you here. This just speaks volumes about the posters and not about you. You aren't really being that 'reasonable' but feelings aren't reasonable and you don't get to choose how you feel.

BTW I'd not feel sorry for the comment about her parents. It IS selfish as it's just about her, which is the very definition of selfish. But sometimes we need to be selfish so selfish does not equal wrong.

@peachypetite maybe it is a little dramatic but the last conversation we had about this was 4 years ago and I literally had a call last night to say she is moving in just a few weeks. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be in a state of shock.

Look on the bright side - if you're up in the night with the baby then thanks to time zones at least you'll have someone to talk to

What age are her parents, OP?

YABU. You are making an exciting time for her much harder than it needs to be because you’re making it all about you.

Had you not lashed out in her previous discussion about possibly moving, she probably would have told you months ago now was the time to move, and you could have spent this time with her looking at where she may live, what the area will be like etc.

But you didn’t. You were nasty to her and so she withdrew from you; you made it so she couldn’t confide in you and now you have to live with that.

Being upset is okay, but you’re a grown woman. It’s not about “saying what you feel”, it’s about being there for your friend when she tells you about something exciting in her life. Friendships are give and take.

It sounds like you have relied on her too much and not made (m)any other friends, but that’s your issue not hers. And she’s not “selfish” for “leaving” her parents. She, like everyone else, has one life and she has a right to live it how she wishes to. She doesn’t have to be beholden to you or anyone else.

If I were her I would be backing off even further (because she quite clearly backed off after the last discussion) and letting the friendship run it’s course because you are only interested in yourself and how this will affect you and your plans.

You’re both about to go through a huge life change - you with your baby and her settling in a new country. Rather than seeing it as her leaving when you need her try and understand she’s likely to need you too - and be there for each other as you both embark on your exciting but life-altering paths.

I doubt it was an easy decision for her and she’s probably scared and nervous about the move as well as excited - just like you probably feel about becoming a mother. If you support each other you may end up even closer because although the circumstances are different you’re both about to have dramatically different lives.

Your previous reaction meant she couldn't confide in you. You are being needy and self centred, you are not supporting her yet expect her to support you.

Maybe her parents will be moving over there too.

It's ok to feel sad about your friend leaving, it is not ok to be angry at her and think she's selfish for putting herself and family first.