To be angry my best friend is emigrating?

[rainbowdreamer0]

A bit of background - my best friend and I met at nursery school over 30 years ago. She is basically a sister to me and we have been through everything together. It’s hard to put into words how close we are - we chat every day without fail and see each other all the time despite not living in the same city anymore. We’ve been on countless trips and holidays and we’ve been there for each other at the drop of a hat numerous times. She is genuinely more like family to me than a friend, and as I don’t have any siblings she is the sister I never had. I don’t have anyone else I can rely on in the same way as her.

She met an Aussie a few years ago and mentioned they might emigrate at some point. I didn’t take it well and told her I thought it was pretty selfish as her parents are elderly and she’s an only child. We had a bit of a row about it and the topic has never come up since.

Fast forward to now - I’m 7 months pregnant (due in early March, hormones pretty crazy at the moment) and I had a call last night to say she and her husband are moving to Oz at the end of the month and she has a work visa initially for a short period but the likelihood is that she won’t be coming back. I want to be a good friend and supportive but I feel really hurt that she has kept this all from me until now, and also that she is leaving just weeks before my baby is due. I had always imagined our kids growing up together as we did and I find the thought of her moving absolutely devastating. I have been up all night crying and feel physically sick. I feel angry that she is choosing to leave at a time when she knows I will really need her. It’s like she doesn’t give a toss about me anymore. AIBU to be angry at how she’s handled this and the fact she is leaving just weeks before the baby is born?

YABU and you know that I think.
Also YANBU to be so upset because the life you envisaged that just disappeared in front of your eyes.

The reality is in between. You need to accept that your friend is living her life and that yours and hers arent linked together in such a way that she cant do anhthing wo you (and the other way around).
Your friend obvioulsy was worried about your reaction (clearly she knows you very well!). I think that if you want to keep such a good and long time friend, you need to raise above it and wish her the best in her new life.

Fwiw, I have been living in a different country for 20 years now. I still have my very good friends. We stay in touch,m see each other once a year and generally are still very close. You CAN be very close to someone on the other side of the world.

Wow. I emigrated. Some of my friends were upset, but I don't think any of them were angry! Peoples lives move in different directions, if you aren't supportive you are very likely to lose your friend completely.

You are being spectacularly OTT

YABVVU, I hope all of my kids are far far away from me when I’m elderly IF they are in a place they need to be for a good life/career/dreams/relationship etc. I can’t imagine wanting them to sacrifice any of those aspects to hang around and look after me. I’d feel like I failed as a parent.

You are being ridiculous.

Wow. Bit of maturing to do before you begin motherhood I think..

Those prefacing their remarks with "It is selfish to move abroad particularly if you have elderly parents"- did you not notice that OP's friend's husband is an Aussie: isn't he equally selfish to stay in the UK with the OP's friend? What are people in international marriages supposed to do?

These are probably the same people who would complain if people moved to a different part of the country hours away. Plus, there is no guarantee that one spouse, wouldn’t have to move anyway especially they’re in the armed forces. I’d be interested what their thoughts would be about that.

Who knows, OP’s friend’s parents are probably more supportive than her and don’t want her waiting for years for them to die. Plus, OP said elderly, but didn’t give an age and we don’t know what she considers elderly. Pretty sure, my 75 year old in-laws would be offended with being called elderly due to how active they are.

*Plus, there is no guarantee that one spouse wouldn’t have to move anyway especially if they’re in the armed forces.

I'm sorry you are so upset about this and understand that you are very hurt. I think your friend has been planning this for a while and hasn't told you because of your previous bad reaction when she mentioned the potential move.

It is her life and she can do what she wants and she probably feels life in Australia will be a better life for her family. She does have to make decisions she considers will be in the best interests of her family.

However, I am very family-oriented and do struggle with how people can do this and leave their elderly parents, loved ones and friends behind, knowing that some will never see them again.
I cannot watch the TV programme 'Wanted down under' because I find it so upsetting that so many do leave their relatives and friends for the supposed better lifestyle.

I suppose it is one of the difficult decisions that has to be made when two partners from different countries get together. In your case, your friend's husband moved away from his family so they have missed out on seeing their son too.

You are being selfish but I think many in your situation would feel the same as you. The best thing you can do is accept that your friend is leaving, apologise for not wanting her to go and tell her you'll miss her and put some plans in place for future communication.

Do you know her parents well too? Perhaps you could help your friend by keeping in touch with them for her. Set up plans to communicate with your friend in future. Your relationship can still be good but just different. Don't throw away a friendship because you are hurt. You can still Skype/facetime and your friend can still see your baby grow and you can support each other.

Both of your lives are changing. She can still be available by phone. She may need your support as it won't necessarily be easy for her to get used to the lifestyle. She will miss her parents and friends too.

Just try your best to be the best friend you can and try to put yourself in her shoes, however difficult that might be.

My dad did the same when I was 7 months pregnant - after talking together about how he wanted to have a great relationship with his grandchildren etc etc.

I wished him well, waved him off, but our relationship was never the same again. We went from seeing each other every week, to seeing each other twice a year.

It is ok to grieve for the life together that you imagined you might have, but stuff changes, who knows what path your life - or theirs would have taken. But at some point hoick up your big-girl pants and wish her all the best.

Make plans to Skype, talk about visiting but be aware you need to move on with your life and realise that YOU are the only one to be held responsible for YOUR happiness, and don't put that responsibility on to others again.

I can understand that you will greatly miss her but you are being ridiculous. It's not about you. She's doing what's right for her.

1. First of all you are entirely unreasonable to be expecting her life to revolve around yours. It’s a global connected world with countless flows of migration. It is reasonable to feel low. Not this sort of a reaction.

1. Second people, including you seem to have peculiar ideas about parenting. As in children/only children are duty bound to stay near parents because parents raised them. What absolute bollocks. I quote my lovely father - both my parents are continents away and I am an only child that’s made her life in the UK - my dad always said that if the parent becomes a pull-backwards, or a reason for a child to hang back he considers his parenting to have failed. Both my mum and dad insisted from when I was knee high that I aspire and fly as high as I can and for them specifically, me being able/qualified/resources to leave my often dangerous for women country of origin and seek a better life elsewhere was key. Since then I have often asked them if they don’t ever wish I would return - because what about old age - and they won’t hear of it. They have exemplified parenting to me and I have zero expectations of my kids deciding to not move because I looked after them as kids and they are somehow obliged to do so later.

YABU although I think its percetly understandable for you to feel sad about it - but to feel angry is a bit selfish.

I do think she could have hung on another month or so to be around when your baby is born though.

She sounds like an amazing friend but calling her selfish and making her feel guilty is really mean. She didtn tell you this time because of your behaviour. Sorry you are going through this but she has her own life and needs to be free to enjoy it without guilt

A real friend would support her decision to emigrate if it's what she wants.

OP, she has kept this all from you until now because of your OTT reaction when she first mentioned it. It's her life, her decision.

None of your business to butt in with the emotional blackmail about her elderly parents or your kids growing up together (the simple fact you two are friends does not imply any of your future children will be too).

YABVU.

Thank you for the comments and different views.

We’ve always had a friendship based on absolute honesty and neither of us are ones to dress things up or go behind the other’s backs. I messaged her in the middle of the night and wished her well but that I would be lying if I said I wasn’t devastated. I do want to be supportive and of course I want her to be happy, but it does hurt and I feel a little lost without her.

I am not angry that she didn’t consult me and I totally get that it was her decision to make. I also understand that our previous disagreement meant she didn’t want to tell me until it was all done and dusted. But I am upset that she had kept it from me until now and given me just a few weeks to get my head around it. It would’ve been nice to have some more time to book in some weekends and trips of fun things to make some new memories. As it stands she is going to be very busy making preparations and I’m away for a couple of weeks, so in reality I might not get to see her more than two or three times.

I’m also desperately sad that she won’t be here to meet the baby. Part of me feels like - what would be the harm in waiting a few more weeks? we’ve had discussions previously about her being the baby’s godmother etc and even if it seems selfish I know that if the boot was on the other foot I would unquestioningly have planned to be around for at least a couple of weeks. Neither of them have jobs lined up yet so I don’t see the desperate urgency. It just feels a bit like she doesn’t really care.

She doesn’t have children yet and I know that it is on the radar in the future and perhaps she thinks life in Oz will be better for them. (I think it’s rose tinted spectacles as she absolutely detests his family and he doesn’t have any friends there).

The chances of me being able to go and visit her are pretty slim - I am a carer for my parents and they don’t have anyone else to help them. My Dad in particular is very poorly and I just couldn’t risk being 24 hours away given how many emergency hospital admissions he’s had in the last couple of years and how many times he’s looked like he wouldn’t pull through. We do use WhatsApp and FaceTime a lot already, but it’s the face to face, evenings over bottles of wine, ability to pick up the phone and the other one be round that I’m going to miss.

Why are you angry? I don't think you should be. You should be happy for your friend.

My son is home from Oz for Christmas and going back tomorrow. So happy of the life he has out there. I have visited once and am going back next year.

You can still stay in touch each day with facetime and arrange to go and visit her.

Don't spoil your friendship over something like this.

I get why you're upset. Upset is perfectly reasonable. But you mustn't allow yourself to feel angry. That's just not fair.

Yabvu to be angry OP.
Sad, upset...yes, angry...no!

@WorldsOnFire it’s not SELFISH at all! Her dh is from OZ so presumably they are going to be near to his family!! So no matter where they live in your opinion they are selfish!!??? Or should ppl never travel for fear of meeting someone from another country?? When does the selfishness start for you? Is it just when they move country or is it the same if they move say from Manchester to London??
Or should we all stay in our hometown/villages and stick to marrying someone from the local community?

My best friend moved abroad for 6 years. I do understand how upsetting it is and how much you will miss her, but this is just another phase in your friendship, its a change but not the end. Please try to be supportive and happy for her OP.

You are being very emotional, op. Understandable in a way, but carry on and you will ostracize her completely.

She didn't tell because of how judgemental you were last time.

I emigrated and was told by a sibling that I had abandoned or father. They were really nasty to me, and now we don't talk because I don't need or deserve that shit.

And OP it might not be forever at all, they could return next year for all you know. Let them have the choice and the adventure! You can always visit if you miss her THAT much!!

Those prefacing their remarks with "It is selfish to move abroad particularly if you have elderly parents"- did you not notice that OP's friend's husband is an Aussie: isn't he equally selfish to stay in the UK with the OP's friend? What are people in international marriages supposed to do?

The difference is that he has other siblings close by to his parents. Her parents have nobody. I suppose it depends massively on how close you are to your family. We are both very close to ours.