To be angry my best friend is emigrating?

[rainbowdreamer0]

A bit of background - my best friend and I met at nursery school over 30 years ago. She is basically a sister to me and we have been through everything together. It’s hard to put into words how close we are - we chat every day without fail and see each other all the time despite not living in the same city anymore. We’ve been on countless trips and holidays and we’ve been there for each other at the drop of a hat numerous times. She is genuinely more like family to me than a friend, and as I don’t have any siblings she is the sister I never had. I don’t have anyone else I can rely on in the same way as her.

She met an Aussie a few years ago and mentioned they might emigrate at some point. I didn’t take it well and told her I thought it was pretty selfish as her parents are elderly and she’s an only child. We had a bit of a row about it and the topic has never come up since.

Fast forward to now - I’m 7 months pregnant (due in early March, hormones pretty crazy at the moment) and I had a call last night to say she and her husband are moving to Oz at the end of the month and she has a work visa initially for a short period but the likelihood is that she won’t be coming back. I want to be a good friend and supportive but I feel really hurt that she has kept this all from me until now, and also that she is leaving just weeks before my baby is due. I had always imagined our kids growing up together as we did and I find the thought of her moving absolutely devastating. I have been up all night crying and feel physically sick. I feel angry that she is choosing to leave at a time when she knows I will really need her. It’s like she doesn’t give a toss about me anymore. AIBU to be angry at how she’s handled this and the fact she is leaving just weeks before the baby is born?

Hiding the thread now.

@rainbowdreamer0, I would tell her what you have said in this thread.
Tell her that you deeply regret saying she was selfish 4 years ago.
Tell her you have been taken aback because it came as such a surprise.
And most importantly tell her you REALLY wish her the best in her new life. Ask her how you could help with the move in the next few weeks.
Talk to her about her new life there and be excited for her.
And remind her that you will always be there for her, as always.

When she moves, keep the communication the same than it was before. Daily connexion (bearing in mind the tie difference), ask how things are going. Give her updates on things/people that matter to both of you.

Serioulsy, when you have a really good friend, you might be separated by a few oceans, you might not see each other for a long time, but each time you meet up, its like you've never moved away.

I’m finished shouting into the void too (or should that be the Swiss cheese?). I hope the woman emigrating makes some wonderful new friends in Australia, who will support her and encourage her in any new endeavours. Let’s face it, she’s not getting that from you, OP and if you don’t accept that your behaviour and subsequent self pity is completely wrong, then I doubt she’ll make much of an effort to keep in touch.

Hi OP. It sounds like things are feeling a bit better today, which is great. I guess some of the shock has worn off and you are more able to think straight now.

I think some people here have been unbelievably cruel to you. I wish people could find ways to respectfully disagree but mumsetters often seem particularly lacking in that area. I don't think you are self pitying any more than anyone is when they have to adjust to a loss. Feeling sad is not self pity and please don't let anyone's attempts to shame you in that regard get to you. You can choose how you respond desite your feelings though and it sounds like you're making some good plans to open up a more helpful interaction with your friend. Good luck with the baby and with adjusting to this new future.

Why can't people rtft?

Op.and her friend made up 4 years ago.
They have been friends since.
Op has agreed she said it in a knee jerk reaction and regrets it.
I am sure she knows why her friend didn't say anything until now.
She wants her friend to be happy and will deal with her own feelings separately.
She will be supporting her friend and stay in touch once she leaves.
She made mistakes and is going to go forward and not make them again.
Her best friend us leaving very soon of course it's upsetting it's just her anger that was wrong. She has got past that and is looking forward to spending time with her friend before she leaves.

Why are people still piling on regarding her first post? Why all the aggression even after subsequent posts from OP?
Apparently nobody has ever made a mistake nor reacted emotionally to anything on MN.
As they have remained friends for 4yrs I think the friendship will continue.

Jeeze some really ott responses. From the updates it sounds like she only just found out her friend was emigrating last night and she did wish her well at the time. Surely it's better she processes her feelings somewhere like this rather than rowing with her friend again and irrepairbly damaging the friendship. I think most people would initially be really upset. Whilst I wouldn't for a moment compare it to a bereavement, I can see how it would feel similarly upsetting as breaking up with a long-term partner.

The posters saying her friend is moving to get away from the OP are just nasty. It sounds like the OP has a lot going on in her life right now with caring for her parents and in the later stages of her first pregnancy. Chances are the friend left it until the last minute as she didn't want to add to the stress.

Why can't people rtft?

I agree, however, OP could have avoided some if not many of the responses by not drip-feeding as the thread went on. She didn’t say it was four years ago until pages later, didn’t say she had apologised for it, etc..

I can understand why you are upset to be losing your friend but I can understand judging by your reaction how she didn't want to share this with you.
She told you weeks im advance not days but why would she stay aroind for your own convenience?
Be happy for her and tell her you will.miss her you dont want her abiding memory of you to be yoi throwing a tant.

This is so weird.
I watched Ralph Breaks the Internet with the kids earlier and OP sounfs exactly like Ralph, and OP's friend is Venelope!

Be upset because you love and care about her. But be happy for her and wish her well with her next big life adventure. Be excited for her and say you want to hear all about it.

It's very easy to stay in daily contact via FaceTime and WhatsApp - just subtract 3 hours from the time here and switch from day to night.

She didn’t say it was four years ago until pages later
It says in op few years ago.

Hi again op, I think if your relationship has survived so much it'll survive this. Nothing wrong with being sad she's moving, maybe she felt a bit like you were getting on with your own life having a baby and she had to make decisions for her future?
Who knows, but I think if you both have a good chat you'll sort this out together.

She gave you several years' notice of her long term plans. Given your pretty shitty and ridiculous reaction, I am not surprised that she left telling you till it was all arranged. The last thing she needs is such a spectacularly self-centered friend. In the bigger scheme of things, your baby is not as important as her own future and that is normal. We all have to put our own family units first. You are lucky she has forgiven you for your previous manipulative behaviour. It's all me, me, me and still me in your posts. You sound resentful that she isn't stuck being a carer and are transferring all your frustration on her chance at a new start. Unless you stop making it all about you, you will risk her fading you out.

You have every right to be hugely upset over this move. I don’t think you are angry, it’s a secondary emotion from loss? Your friendship won’t be the same because she physically won’t be near you. I think it’s also fair that she is selfish telling you now, but maybe they only decided shortly and waited until your baby was safe?

Waited until the baby was safe from what?

I find it a painful loss when friends and family move away OP.

I always support them and cheer them on but it's still painful.

If there is a true bond between you, distance will not affect it.

The OP hasn't said the exact words 'I was unreasonable', but she's repeated that she regrets her behaviour and words four years ago and acknowledges her selfish thoughts, and is trying to stay positive on the phone and messages to her friend.

It really sounds to me like the messages of the thread have got through, and I find it unfair that people are still piling on and saying she doesn't get it. She seems to have found this thread really useful to evaluate her actions and try to support her friend.

It says in op few years ago*.

True, even though I’m not sure I’d agree four years is a few, but hey ho. Still leaving out that she apologised to her friend and regretted her behaviour would have helped instead of leaving it that she called her friend selfish.

I’m glad OP has figured it out though and is going to be supportive of her friend.

Emigrating to escape?

I emigrated. Glad my friends and family did not throw a wobbly.

Seriously, OP. She is allowed to do this.

I had a very difficult pregnancy decades ago. My closest friend that I shared everything with suddenly announced her husband had been promoted to an overseas office and they were moving 12 hours away in just a few months.

From that moment she disappeared out of my life. She was frantically packing and putting the house on the market. Her husband had to fly out almost immediately so she was left in the UK coping with tiny children. Nightmare for her with so little notice and I couldn't help at all.

It was in the days before internet was widely available. To me she did just disappear.

I remember feeling bereft. I felt numb. As though my support, my closest friend had vanished overnight. To be honest it felt like a bereavement.

I had all the 'pull yourself together' talks in my head. But filling that void was so hard. I was on bed rest with a high risk pregnancy so meeting up with others wasn't possible.

So yes, I absolutely understand your feelings. It's as though a rug has been pulled from under you. You know in your head she needs to go, she's entitled to go, you want to feel happy for her new opportunity and life, but you just can't seem to cheer it on.

My advice to you, If you can, broaden your friendship group right now, don't wait.
Take time to make bonds with other new mums. It won't replace your relationship with your friend, but it will lessen the impact of her emigrating.

Join as many groups as you can and embrace new friendships.

Wow, I feel sorry for your friend having a needy 'friend' who wants to control her life by emotionally blackmailing her. I hope she find better friends in oz.

Have you spoken to your friend any more about this OP?

Admittedly I am only on page 3 (of 100 posts per page) but I think you are being judged unfairly, OP. I too feel it is very selfish of her, and I am an only child. I am a carer for my mother and would like to do a teaching degree. But, I'd have to move away, and considering my widow mother has Bronchiectasis and has been clinically dead at least two times and can get critically ill sometimes 5 minutes after being ok, she needs me here (though she says she'd cope, she can't drive and needs me to drive her to appointments, so, I don't think so).

It depends on how close one is to one's parents. I could never, ever, ever move away to another city, let alone country. I could never do it. I would feel so selfish, so guilty, and so cruel. So, I can't do my degree. But that's life. It happens. We all have choices. I choose to look after my mother and be there for her. I choose her, and her welfare, over myself. That's not to martyr myself, it's just that I could simply not live with myself. And wouldn't be able to concentrate on my degree, anyway.

In many cultures, children put their parents first. I don't see that as a bad thing. If her partner really loves her, he'll wait and stay with her in the UK. As you said, she doesn't even like his family. She has no job. It's rather irresponsible of her to move over there, with no job, and no way to support herself. Neither of them have jobs lined up. Being Australian myself and knowing what our border control and immigration processes are - heck, you need money to support yourself even on a holiday visa - I would be surprised if customs and board control allowed her to enter the country with no means of supporting herself. Just watching episodes of our real life tv show Border Security (that shows people sneaking in on wrong visas, or trying to smuggle in drugs or food items) shows how they ensure any holiday makers have enough money to support themselves. So, she may not be allowed to enter - or, if she can't stand his family, she may not last here for long.

She may be back sooner than you think.