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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry my best friend is emigrating?

450 replies

rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 07:06

A bit of background - my best friend and I met at nursery school over 30 years ago. She is basically a sister to me and we have been through everything together. It’s hard to put into words how close we are - we chat every day without fail and see each other all the time despite not living in the same city anymore. We’ve been on countless trips and holidays and we’ve been there for each other at the drop of a hat numerous times. She is genuinely more like family to me than a friend, and as I don’t have any siblings she is the sister I never had. I don’t have anyone else I can rely on in the same way as her.

She met an Aussie a few years ago and mentioned they might emigrate at some point. I didn’t take it well and told her I thought it was pretty selfish as her parents are elderly and she’s an only child. We had a bit of a row about it and the topic has never come up since.

Fast forward to now - I’m 7 months pregnant (due in early March, hormones pretty crazy at the moment) and I had a call last night to say she and her husband are moving to Oz at the end of the month and she has a work visa initially for a short period but the likelihood is that she won’t be coming back. I want to be a good friend and supportive but I feel really hurt that she has kept this all from me until now, and also that she is leaving just weeks before my baby is due. I had always imagined our kids growing up together as we did and I find the thought of her moving absolutely devastating. I have been up all night crying and feel physically sick. I feel angry that she is choosing to leave at a time when she knows I will really need her. It’s like she doesn’t give a toss about me anymore. AIBU to be angry at how she’s handled this and the fact she is leaving just weeks before the baby is born?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 06/01/2020 13:18

I also don’t understand why everyone is saying she doesn’t view the friendship the same way? Are you suggesting that people who emigrate don’t care about those they leave behind?

When my best friend was thinking about emigrating, we talked about it right from the beginning. Properly close friends talk about things that are important to them.

Willow2017 · 06/01/2020 13:19

Bold fails!

Original poster
rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 13:20

@messolini9 just because I haven’t said something on the post it doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about it. I have thought about it a lot. I have said at various points that I can see it is a great opportunity for her and that it will be an adventure. I do worry that it will be tougher than she thinks as she really despises her in laws, but i will be there for her if she does find it tough. She has told
me herself it has been a difficult decision but she feels it’s the right thing for her at the moment.

We haven’t rowed at all, except for the conversation 4 years ago. I have no intention of ruining the last few weeks and as I’ve said above want to plan as many things as possible in the time we’ve got left.

OP posts:
FramingDevice · 06/01/2020 13:20

People are saying she doesn’t view the friendship in the same way because you seem to feel she should have felt tied to the UK by the friendship and being godmother to your child, and that she should have arranged her travel plans around your due date. She clearly doesn’t feel that. Perfectly reasonably, she’s prioritising her own life. You find this hurtful rather than natural.

FruitcakeOfHate · 06/01/2020 13:23

You don't understand? I emigrated, of course I care about those I left behind, and now divide my time between both countries. One of my children has chosen to live there. Good! He is enjoying a much better life so far.

But you seem to believe she has an obligation to put your life before hers. No one should feel this way! My own parents didn't. I came here because I loved it, but it also gave me the home and the family I always wanted but had no luck getting in my native country. They're very happy about this. Same as I am that they have been able to enjoy their retirement so much and doing the travelling they do - so many of their friends have not, they died, got sick or one got dementia.

It seems she is surrounded by very emotional, manipulative people - the big row and histrionics when she even brought it up 4 years ago! It's no wonder she didn't announce it until now. Poor thing.

Original poster
rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 13:23

@EmmaGrundyForPM it’s lovely to hear you’re still in touch and have maintained a good relationship. I’ve already said the initial anger (bearing in mind it came totally out of the blue and as a real shock) has gone. I’m going to do my best to be supportive.

OP posts:
Original poster
rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 13:25

@muddypuddles12 I think you’re right.

OP posts:
2of50BookChallenge2020done · 06/01/2020 13:25

My best friend moved to Australia 12 years ago. I was devastated. But we've stayed in touch. We used to have weekly webcam chats, now we catch up on WhatsApp when we can (we've since had 4 children between us and life is busy). She's been back over a couple of times and I have an open invitation to visit whenever I like. I haven't managed it yet, but one day.

It's her life. I know it's hard, but you're making it all about you. Good on her for making a huge change.

Original poster
rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 13:27

@dottiedodah thank you

@Izzabellasasperella I am so very sorry to hear that. That is incredibly sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 13:30

@FramingDevice I am not saying that she should stay in the UK for me or for the baby/to be godmother! I am simply saying that given our previous discussions I would have dearly loved her to be here and I am sad that she won’t be, particularly as she has no job lined up.

OP posts:
nibdedibble · 06/01/2020 13:31

Oh my god, what a lot of wank.

My childhood was all over the place internationally, in adulthood less so but dh and I both worked in industries where people travel on relatively short-term contracts and friends are all over the globe.

The idea that people "staying behind" have some sort of ownership of their friends' futures to the degree that they can voice their own needs for them to stay is frankly a bit disturbing.

People travel, they have always travelled, be sad, whatever, but cut out the selfishness. (Directed at all the people on this thread who have had their noses put out of joint at one time or another by someone daring not to stay shackled to the same things as them.)

GiveHerHellFromUs · 06/01/2020 13:32

Could she be pregnant herself and moving for the support network?

Isn't it really difficult to move to Australia if you sing have a job over there?

Original poster
rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 13:32

@PurpleDaisies you’re entitled to your opinion. She didn’t discuss it with anyone other than her parents. We both know what the other means and her messages to me this morning make that very clear.

OP posts:
Fannyfighterofthigh · 06/01/2020 13:33

Feel for you OP 💛

Original poster
rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 13:33

@2of50BookChallenge2020done that is really lovely to hear and I hope we will
Be the same :)

OP posts:
FruitcakeOfHate · 06/01/2020 13:34

But you have, rainbow, and are still not owning it. You said what's the harm in her staying for your due date and imply that because she hasn't got a job there yet, understandable, depending on the industry it can be nigh on impossible to get a job in a place unless you are physically present there, she should hang around waiting for you to have a baby.

She's putting her life first, same as you do. Not acknowledging this as natural is immature and selfish and manipulative. That is what is sad.

Fannyfighterofthigh · 06/01/2020 13:44
sonjadog · 06/01/2020 13:48

I suggest you leave it in her hands to suggest things for you to do together in the last weeks. Don't try to push her to meet you as much as possible. Give her some space and see if she wants to meet or if she would rather draw a line here.

TigerOnATrain · 06/01/2020 13:54

@FruitcakeOfHate

Rainbow, you are still not owning it. You said what's the harm in her staying for your due date and imply that because she hasn't got a job there yet, understandable, depending on the industry it can be nigh on impossible to get a job in a place unless you are physically present there, she should hang around waiting for you to have a baby.

She's putting her life first, same as you do. Not acknowledging this as natural is immature and selfish and manipulative. That is what is sad.

Exactly. The OP is refusing to acknowledge the bitter truth, that she is wrong, and unreasonable. She has also constantly moved the goalposts through the thread, refused to acknowledge she is wrong when she has been called out on anything, and dodged answering anything she doesn't like...

Why post AIBU, and then refuse to hear anyone saying you are...???

TigerOnATrain · 06/01/2020 13:54

@soniamumsnet

We've made a few more deletions and we've received a lot of reports and we'll be going through those. Hopefully this conversation can now get back on track.

Thanks Sonia. Smile

elmosducks · 06/01/2020 14:00

Omg, if my best friend had reacted like you, I wouldn't have looked back.

Thankfully she didn't. She doesn't come to visit me often but I go as often as I can to her. We talk weekly, but it's easy with Whatsapp and FaceTime. In the beginning we just had letters.

I still made it out for her wedding and am godparent to her son.

Of course we were very very sad to be leaving each other, we were as close as you describe and have been since we met as little ones.

But... we both have to live our own lives. I didn't want to be in the UK and she didn't want to leave.

Our reunions are epic though. They are highlights of my year!

cptartapp · 06/01/2020 14:01

I suspect you're somewhat resentful because you're curtailed by your caring responsibilities. Elderly parents should have no bearing on her decision. If they need care they can buy it in or rely on social services, like hundreds of thousands of others. As your parents could too if you chose not to be their carer. Expecting your DC to run round after you when they have their own lives and opportunities ahead is what's selfish.
Don't be angry with your friend because her life choices will lead her in a different direction than your choices will do for you.

VeganCow · 06/01/2020 14:04

Why does the fact that you are having a baby mean that you really need her now? I don't remember needing any friend when I was pregnant or just had a baby. Certainly not one who hadn't had children herself yet.

TigerOnAtrain · 06/01/2020 14:14

Exactly @VeganCow

TigerOnATrain · 06/01/2020 14:14

@cptartapp

I suspect you're somewhat resentful because you're curtailed by your caring responsibilities. Elderly parents should have no bearing on her decision. If they need care they can buy it in or rely on social services, like hundreds of thousands of others.

As your parents could too if you chose not to be their carer. Expecting your DC to run round after you when they have their own lives and opportunities ahead is what's selfish.

Agree 100% with all of this...

To try and emotionally blackmail her friend, by saying 'how COULD you move 1000s of miles away, and leave your poor parents to fend for themselves?' is a really low blow.

Like a number of other posters, I would have walked away from the OP, and moved away, and never spoken to her again. Such selfish, manipulative behaviour.

I am done now anyway. Said all I want to say and need to say, and I am just repeating myself now.

My final word @rainbowdreamer0 is good luck to your friend. She deserves happiness and good fortune, and to not be manipulated into staying here, by someone who is only thinking of themselves.

You can say 'good riddance' to me if you like (and so can anyone else.) I don't really care. Smile