To be angry my best friend is emigrating?

[rainbowdreamer0]

A bit of background - my best friend and I met at nursery school over 30 years ago. She is basically a sister to me and we have been through everything together. It’s hard to put into words how close we are - we chat every day without fail and see each other all the time despite not living in the same city anymore. We’ve been on countless trips and holidays and we’ve been there for each other at the drop of a hat numerous times. She is genuinely more like family to me than a friend, and as I don’t have any siblings she is the sister I never had. I don’t have anyone else I can rely on in the same way as her.

She met an Aussie a few years ago and mentioned they might emigrate at some point. I didn’t take it well and told her I thought it was pretty selfish as her parents are elderly and she’s an only child. We had a bit of a row about it and the topic has never come up since.

Fast forward to now - I’m 7 months pregnant (due in early March, hormones pretty crazy at the moment) and I had a call last night to say she and her husband are moving to Oz at the end of the month and she has a work visa initially for a short period but the likelihood is that she won’t be coming back. I want to be a good friend and supportive but I feel really hurt that she has kept this all from me until now, and also that she is leaving just weeks before my baby is due. I had always imagined our kids growing up together as we did and I find the thought of her moving absolutely devastating. I have been up all night crying and feel physically sick. I feel angry that she is choosing to leave at a time when she knows I will really need her. It’s like she doesn’t give a toss about me anymore. AIBU to be angry at how she’s handled this and the fact she is leaving just weeks before the baby is born?

@73Sunglasslover thank you for taking the time to respond and sharing your story. I am so sorry, your sister moving must have been really tough to take and you’re right, it certainly does feel like a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions. I appreciate your kind words too. Everyone is entitled to their opinion of course. Thank you.

@Nodancingshoes thank you x

I can understand you are grieving the life you thought you would share together, especially at this sensitive time with your baby due soon. You wanted to share that joy with her, and for her to be part of your baby’s life.

However, she has to live her life, and she has chosen to live it with her dp. It was probably a hard decesion to make, but one she has chosen. Support her and respect her decesion if you want to remain friends.

@LissJas haha there is that I suppose!

You are spectacularly self absorbed op. Your friend doesn't exist on this planet to serve your every need, she has a life of her own to lead.

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YABU, for all the reasons given by other posters.

If she’s like a sister and you’ve known her for 30 years, it would be lovely if you could step in and befriend her parents, given your concerns about them.

@heartsonacake yes she has backed off from me about the move after our convo 4 years ago, but not about other things. Even after that convo it was just an unspoken - we were still totally honest and there for each other on a range of really personal issues. I do feel sad that she hasn’t felt able to discuss it with me and as I’ve said before I regret that I called her selfish.

Buttock you do realise the fires aren't fully across the country yes?

Think you need to look at your options and see if you can move to Oz with her. Only sensible and rational solution.

Don't do that to her, you aren't much a friend to her as you are self-centred and selfish. She's your friend (though probably not for much longer if you carry on like this) not your husband.

Two of my close family members emigrated, one to Canada and one to the country that they were originally from, I miss them but it's their life and I would have been wrong to consider me in their decision making.

@rainbowdreamer0 quite clearly you ABVVU

@73Sunglasslover your sister emigrating was worse than a death? Are you actually serious?!

You sound incredibly immature.

Have you considered the possibility that you are more reliant on the friendship than she is?

Regardless of whether you are busy for te next few weeks, she would probably be too busy to spend much time with you anyway so put that out of your mind.
As for waiting until your baby was born, this is not her role. This is you and your husband’s time.

Wish her well and to be perfectly frank, I can see this friendship fizzling out once she has a permanent visa.

YANBU to be angry at your loss but YABU if you don't support her as a good friend. If you didn't love her so much, you wouldn't be so upset. She knows that and you do too. Be thankful for tech; you'll be able to stay in close touch. x

You are selfish op. Sort yourself out. Maybe her new life and new partner are more important than meeting your precious first born.

OP, do you realise that you becoming a mum would change the friendship anyway? You may not think it would, but it does, believe me. And yet I’m sure you didn’t ask her permission before getting married or TTC, right? Your life simply changed and your friend had to deal with that.

You have known for a number of years now that your friend is in a committed relationship with this man. You must have known that her leaving was a possibility, but perhaps you just didn’t want to face up to it. Were you maybe hoping he would sod off back to Oz and your friend would go back to being your reliable single friend?

YANBU to be angry at your loss

FGS it's not a loss, her friend is emigrating. Comparing it to a bereavement by describing it as a loss is ridiculous.

Yabvu you’re initial reaction was enough to put her off telling you

It’s not good to be this upset and invested. Think about how you can stay in touch and visit.

It’s understandable that you’re shocked. It’s understandable that she didn’t tell you because of your reaction when she tried to introduce the idea a few years ago. You live your life as a carer for your parents. Her leaving, to you, seems like abandoning her responsibilities to her parents. For her, it’s just living her own life. Does part of you envy her?

• Your initial reaction

@SophieSong thank you and I do really want to be there for her.

I'm about to do the same to my best friend. I'm leaving in the summer and I haven't told her yet. I'm upset about leaving her but I want to go back to my country.
I don't really want to tell her as it makes me very sad. Loss works both ways.
We are going to lose a very valuable friend but the time has come.
It isn't easy to leave a life behind. Too many emotional strings.
I know it can't be easy for either of you. Maybe the plan are delayed with these terrible fires. Very sad all round but you both have exciting things coming up.

She didn't tell you because you've made it very clear in the past how you feel about it which was really rude of you btw.

Don't dictate how she lives her life because you will lose her as a friend.

You want her to supportive of your upcoming birth? Well you need to be supportive of her taking this massive step.

YANBU to be upset she is going.
YABVU to actually expect her to do what you want her to do.

My daughter emigrated a few years ago. We are like sisters, do everything together. And because I love her so much I want her that be happy and follow her dreams

Yes I miss her terribly, but facetime is a great thing , flights aren't expensive these days. So why would you be a negative nelly and spoil her experience?

It’s not an easy decision to move abroad you know, she will be nervous, she will be sad, she will have her reservations on the matter. But it’s something that needs to be done sometimes. Your job is to support her too. Maybe one of his parents is ill and her dh wants to spend quality time with them?maybe one of them got a job offer they couldn’t refuse (maybe they need to money) they cannot hang around to keep you happy OP.