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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry my best friend is emigrating?

450 replies

rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 07:06

A bit of background - my best friend and I met at nursery school over 30 years ago. She is basically a sister to me and we have been through everything together. It’s hard to put into words how close we are - we chat every day without fail and see each other all the time despite not living in the same city anymore. We’ve been on countless trips and holidays and we’ve been there for each other at the drop of a hat numerous times. She is genuinely more like family to me than a friend, and as I don’t have any siblings she is the sister I never had. I don’t have anyone else I can rely on in the same way as her.

She met an Aussie a few years ago and mentioned they might emigrate at some point. I didn’t take it well and told her I thought it was pretty selfish as her parents are elderly and she’s an only child. We had a bit of a row about it and the topic has never come up since.

Fast forward to now - I’m 7 months pregnant (due in early March, hormones pretty crazy at the moment) and I had a call last night to say she and her husband are moving to Oz at the end of the month and she has a work visa initially for a short period but the likelihood is that she won’t be coming back. I want to be a good friend and supportive but I feel really hurt that she has kept this all from me until now, and also that she is leaving just weeks before my baby is due. I had always imagined our kids growing up together as we did and I find the thought of her moving absolutely devastating. I have been up all night crying and feel physically sick. I feel angry that she is choosing to leave at a time when she knows I will really need her. It’s like she doesn’t give a toss about me anymore. AIBU to be angry at how she’s handled this and the fact she is leaving just weeks before the baby is born?

OP posts:
Original poster
rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 11:58

@GiveHerHellFromUs I didn’t report your post or @T0tallyFuckedUpFamily

OP posts:
stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 06/01/2020 11:58

I've had a post deleted as well! It didn't break any guidelines at all! This place is getting bloody ridiculous.

Original poster
rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 12:00

@Pennyaday that is a shame and you are right. It’s so sad when relationships/friendships breakdown.

OP posts:
ssd · 06/01/2020 12:00

Op,you are clearly only replying to posters who have shown you sympathy. You aren't taking anything else on board. So I won't reply as you won't listen to me either. Only one thing to say, I suspect your friend doesn't see your friendship as you do.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 06/01/2020 12:00

No I know OP, I know it wasn't you. I've asked @MNHQ why mine was deleted but I'm guessing someone just got out of bed the wrong side Grin

grasukdesim · 06/01/2020 12:00

Ah bless you. I was on the other side of this (I was the friend whose life changed and had a really dear friend become hurt, angry and judgemental about my choices) and I really hope you two come out of this with your friendship in tact (we didn't :()

I really hope it all works out for you and your friend. I know it sounds dramatic but I mean this seriously - if you can afford to go for some counselling to help you through this period, I would MASSIVELY recommend it. It's a hard time for you and the loss you're already feeling will be a lot to cope with. Looking at things with a counsellor may help you to process these feelings without throwing your hurt onto your friend and ultimately damaging (or losing) the friendship.

Original poster
rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 12:01

@heartsonacake that is your opinion but it depends on the friendship. I wouldn’t be this Frank with other close friends but we have always been honest and I know she would rather I say it to her face than behind her back.

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 06/01/2020 12:02

They are both British too so have left both families behind and find it hard not to take it personally that a place is better than having your friends and family around - but we all have different priorities

Yes imagine putting your life before anyone else's selfish wish to control you? Shockingly selfish feckers.

Original poster
rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 12:03

@ssd not true, I’ve responded to many people who have disagreed, told me I’m selfish, evil etc. But thanks for your opinion.

OP posts:
speakball · 06/01/2020 12:03

I’m also desperately sad that she won’t be here to meet the baby. Part of me feels like - what would be the harm in waiting a few more weeks?

I don't remember meeting anyone for the first time until I was 5+. You want her to be there for how you feel, it's not about wanting things for her or your baby. It's about what you want. role are emigrating all the time and I assume you're not u all night crying about them, you're crying for yourself.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 06/01/2020 12:04

Thank you OP, for letting us know that.

The best about it GiveHerHellFromUs, is the fact that some posters on here are actually slating the OP, but none of those posts have been deleted. Only the ones having a laugh and in no way can be construed as a personal attack! Seriously! WTF! I’d love it if the finger happy reporter explained what was so offensive about those posts.

TicTac80 · 06/01/2020 12:04

I came to UK when I was 10, but have close friends (and most of my family) dotted about the world. Before internet, it was letters, postcards and (if lucky!) phone calls. Nowadays? Piece of cake to keep in touch. I promise you, it's so easy....and when you do see each other again, it's like you've not been apart (well, that's what I've found!). The only bugger is time zone differences, but that's easy enough to work around. My friends and family use WhatsApp, FB, iMessage and FaceTime for keeping in touch.

Of course you will feel sad that your friend is leaving, YANBU to feel that at all. In the meantime, maybe start asking her stuff about it? Tell her that you're excited for her and want to hear all about it? My good friend and her family moved to Oz a couple of years back (with her DH's job) and it's been great seeing all the lovely parts of their journey: from moving there, finding a house, making it into a beautiful home, seeing their kids start school, seeing all the lovely things they're doing there. I'm sad that I don't see her, but thrilled and happy that they're having a really wonderful life out there. The scrap book idea sounds lovely :)

grasukdesim · 06/01/2020 12:05

PS I've just read that back and since I have said I was in your friend's position and then go on to recommend counselling, it may sound really condescending. I don't mean it like that at all. I am currently seeing a counsellor myself and sometimes I use my sessions to process the end of that friendship which affected me massively, and that's why I think it would help you too.

I don't think we culturally understand the impact our close friends have on our lives so when there's a friendship 'breakdown' or crisis, we don't naturally recognise that this is a serious issue for us, in the same way that we would if it were a partner breakdown or crisis situation. Flowers

TigerOnATrain · 06/01/2020 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

1Wildheartsease · 06/01/2020 12:06

I sympathise with you OP. This change must seem to end some of the imagined future you had for both of you. Dreams are very precious! It is tough to see a loved one move so far away.

However, this doesn't need to be the loss of your friend. Change keeps happening. Who knows where either of you will be in 10 years!

For now, first remember that you are her friend too.

Telling you will have been hard for her ,and no doubt, being apart from you will be hard for her too. Her reasons might not ever be clear to you, but I expect that you can trust her not to have chosen to leave lightly.

This is your moment to be supportive and not making her carry your pain as well as her own.

Be the good friend you would want her to be if you were the one compelled to leave. What can you do to make things better for her?

Original poster
rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 12:06

@EineReiseDurchDieZeit of course she isn’t a possession. She’s someone who I value enormously and we have always been extremely close. And I think it’s a little extreme to suggest that my oldest friend would move
across the other side of the world to get away from me. You have no idea about the dynamics of our friendship. She called me less than 2 weeks ago to ask if I’d go to the hospital with her!

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 06/01/2020 12:06

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily I also had a post removed for telling someone to stop being aggressive to someone else, yet their post, calling the other person 'cunty' is still there. Outstanding performance.

You know all of these are getting removed too Grin

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 06/01/2020 12:07

OP, I know you are determined to paint her as the unreasonable one (by the way 70 is the new 60 Grin) but you have to realise that they can’t turn down a good job opportunity or the house that they want, just for you and your baby. That’s ridiculous and once the baby is here, you’ll be so wrapped up in her/him that they’ll take a back burner.

I think you’d be better thinking about how you’re going to support your ill parents and look after a baby. Is there going to be enough support in place for them too.

speakball · 06/01/2020 12:09

and I know she would rather I say it to her face than behind her back.

But you've assumed your initial feelings are valid; 'I'm hurt and I have a right to be angry'. How about taking some time to acknowledge and accept the boundaries between the two of you, that she is allowed to make her own decisions even if you don't like it. You're allowed to feel sad but you're not allowed to except her to fit in with your plans.

Willow2017 · 06/01/2020 12:11

rainbow
it's good to see you have calmed down and want to make things good with your friend.

First of apologise for the past mistake.
Then make it all about Her, where, why she chose that, plans, jobs, anything that she can enthuse about.
If she has niggly worries as she probably does as it's s big step reassure her and remind her you are there for her.
Let her know she is your best friend and you want her to.be happy wherever it takes her.
Make plans for keeping in touch and reassure her that you know she will be madly busy at first so if she can't always reply straight away it's ok (and once baby is here you will be in the same boat) Recognise that the frequency of chatting about day to day stuff may change but the friendship won't.
Have positive times before she goes and when the time comes wave her off with a smile.

Then you can get all the way home.

Change is hard but you will get through it if you both work at it.

Willow2017 · 06/01/2020 12:12

Get??? Cry all the way home!

Original poster
rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 12:12

@grasukdesim I’m sorry to hear it didn’t work out with your friend :( that must have been tough. Always have hope though.

OP posts:
MNHQ
CarolineMumsnet · 06/01/2020 12:14

We've had a few reports that this one is turning into a bit of a pile on and so we've nipped on and removed those posts that we didn't feel were really in the spirit.

We get that opinions differ, especially on AIBU, but we do tend to step in when the buns start to fly. Please post with all this in mind or we'll end up having to make more deletions and maybe even pulling the entire thread, which we never like to do.

captainjacksparrow · 06/01/2020 12:15

OP with the greatest of respect it’s you who does not know the dynamic of your friendship. If it was as close as you believe you would have known her plans the second she started marking them.

I understand this may be difficult for you to accept or hear but I really think you need to reflect on why events have happened in this way and how your behaviour impacted this.

I agree counselling would be a good idea

CmdrCressidaDuck · 06/01/2020 12:15

If you still don't see anything wrong with what you said about your sister's emigration being in some ways worse than her death, 73sunglass, then I can only suggest that you talk to some people who've experienced close bereavements, and ask them if it at least affords them some comfort that their loved ones aren't alive but having chosen to emigrate.