To be angry my best friend is emigrating?

[rainbowdreamer0]

A bit of background - my best friend and I met at nursery school over 30 years ago. She is basically a sister to me and we have been through everything together. It’s hard to put into words how close we are - we chat every day without fail and see each other all the time despite not living in the same city anymore. We’ve been on countless trips and holidays and we’ve been there for each other at the drop of a hat numerous times. She is genuinely more like family to me than a friend, and as I don’t have any siblings she is the sister I never had. I don’t have anyone else I can rely on in the same way as her.

She met an Aussie a few years ago and mentioned they might emigrate at some point. I didn’t take it well and told her I thought it was pretty selfish as her parents are elderly and she’s an only child. We had a bit of a row about it and the topic has never come up since.

Fast forward to now - I’m 7 months pregnant (due in early March, hormones pretty crazy at the moment) and I had a call last night to say she and her husband are moving to Oz at the end of the month and she has a work visa initially for a short period but the likelihood is that she won’t be coming back. I want to be a good friend and supportive but I feel really hurt that she has kept this all from me until now, and also that she is leaving just weeks before my baby is due. I had always imagined our kids growing up together as we did and I find the thought of her moving absolutely devastating. I have been up all night crying and feel physically sick. I feel angry that she is choosing to leave at a time when she knows I will really need her. It’s like she doesn’t give a toss about me anymore. AIBU to be angry at how she’s handled this and the fact she is leaving just weeks before the baby is born?

@CakeandCustard28 thank you. I will do my best to plan some fun things for us to do in the time before she goes and was thinking it’d be nice to make her a little scrap book as she made me one a few years ago :)

OP, she's going to be great to chat to when the baby is up in the night, you'll probably have more contact with her this way than if she was near you when the baby arrives!

we have a close knit friendship group, and when one couple moved to Oz, half the group were personally offended and hurt. As we had lived abroad, we thought it was an exciting opportunity to them, but quite a few people saw it as a personal rejection.

I think you were a bit off when you told her she could not leave her parents as an only child (this is your business how? And also you were not being honest, you minded being left yourself, more than anything)

It is always harder to say goodbye for the ones who are left, and easier for the leavers on their way to a new adventure. So give yourself a break, but also try and find in your heart the generosity to be excited for your friend to be starting this new adventure.

@LigPatin

I say this in the nicest way, but I'm getting the strong impression that she doesn't see the friendship in the same way as you do, OP.

Yeah this. ^ The OP doesn't want to hear that though. She only wants to hear people who are agreeing with her and saying what she wants to hear.

@FrancisCrawford

Not just that comment, but your continuing attitude. And your self-centredness. You aren’t thinking about what a great new life this could be for her, but just about yourself, your baby.

This too. Agree totally.

So @rainbowdreamer0 Are you going to answer me? Where did you say on the thread (actually tell me what TIME on the thread ...) that it was YOU who moved away and not your friend (to somewhere else in the country.) Coz you sure didn't say it in your OP.

If you don't answer, then I can only surmise that you never said it coz it never happened, and I stick by what I said, that your friend probably moved away because she found you so intense.

So.... where did you say YOU are the one who moved away?

I haven't RTFT but having read a number of the OPs really intense posts I can't help but wonder if creating a strong boundary due to the distance was a factor in both her and her DHs decision process

You speak of her like a possession

My former best friend would have reacted like this, which is why she's a former friend (and emigration was on the cards at one time)

My friend, I realise could not conceive of my existence except directly as it related to her own. My life was irrelevant. You sound similar.

@MinTheMinx thank you and I totally understand how conflicted you must be when you care about someone. Of course you want the best for them and to be happy but it is understandable to feel sad too. We’re only human. X

The immaturity and self-absorbed nature of so many adults never ceases to amaze me. EVERYTHING is all about them, their feelings, how they are effected, dramatic and usually negative.

All about you, rainbow, your baby, etc.

She didn't tell you until now for a reason. A very good one.

As to the poster who in any way compared her sister's going to Oz with death!

JFC! This: But there are some similarities in terms of what we will never do together again and the 'worse in some ways' is because I know that my sister was choosing not to be part of things anymore

The mind fucking boggles.

I have a child who lives abroad and I have a child who is dead. There are NO similarities between being alive in another country and being fucking dead. NONE! And certainly, beyond any doubt, NO way in which being alive is 'worse in some ways'.

Except to really clueless, ignorant, self-centred, immature people.

Get over yourself, OP!

She doesn't see the relationship the same way. You are far, far too needy, clingy, and self-centred.

@TigerOnATrain I didn’t say it in the OP but it is the truth. I have no reason to lie. Carry on with your comments, tbh you just seem intent on trying to upset me and it’s not going to work. Your opinion (based on false assumptions and unnecessarily horrible comments) really doesn’t matter to me All the best.

@olivehater thank you, that is a good tip and I know there will be new people coming into both of our lives :) just have to embrace the change I guess!

It’s so out of the blue because for the last four years she has been unable to talk to you about this due to your previous reaction.

I imagine there have been many discussions about the plan with her family and possibly other, more supportive friends.

You are not as close as you believe you are. Not from her point of view anyway.

@Soundbyte thank you, feeling slightly more rational now the initial shock is wearing off and going to try and plan nice things we can do before she goes x

I can understand you're upset about not being told, but she may hate it out there and be back in 6 months. She may not be able to get a long term visa.

There are lots of "what if's" here. I'd support her, make sure she knows she can contact you anytime and hopefully your friendship will thrive in spite of the physical distance.

@StillMedusa that is such a lovely way of putting it and you are a lovely person. I will do my best to cheerlead as well. The practicalities are really tricky but I hope your son will still be able to come over regularly.

@Asschercut that is such a shame and I’m sorry it didn’t work out with your friend. 2.5 hours is no distance at all really.

Your personal sadness at her being so far away is understandable but your stroppiness towards her is not. You will lose her for good and that is far more devastating than her moving away.

I lost what I thought was the best friend I'd ever have when I just moved counties within the UK! She was in bits when I left and we met halfway once afterwards but then upon trying to keep up messaging/phone calls it became evident she was just too bitter about me leaving. I gave up and now we've both lost each other for good.

My DH is NO contact with his (once very close) siblings after they got on their high horse about my DH's lack of contact with his emigrated father. DH was never v close with his father so contact was never regular anyway. Siblings decided my DH should be regularly going abroad to visit his father and my DH objected to their interference. Cue big argument and now ZERO relationship between siblings. Such a shame.

Morale of the story, be careful acting in sheer emotion right now, you might live to regret it.

@notacooldad yes I have lots of other friends but everyone has that special one or two and she is one of those.

MNHQ why was my post deleted? I did not insult the OP in any way. Are we no longer permitted to have a laugh on Mumsnet? Did someone (who could it possibly have been? 🤔) actually reported that post as breaking guildlines? Seriously?! I still haven’t received an message to say exactly what I did wrong, btw.

It's weird how relationships with men always have to trump lifelong, family type friendships.

...no it isn't? Most people want to form a lifetime partnership as the basis for their life. Many, many of those people also want to raise children within this partnership. For most women, they want to form this partnership with a man. For most men, they want to form this partnership with a woman. You could equally say that it's weird how women trump lifelong friendships for most men. Indeed, in general it's women who maintain more and stronger relationships with friends and family post-marriage; men are well-known for suffering more emotionally when a romantic relationship breaks down because they have often let other relationships lapse and relied solely on their partner for emotional support.

I'd find it not only bonkers but hugely pressuring if lifelong friendships, or even family, put me above their primary family of spouse/partner and/or children, much less expected me to do the same.

Do people of both sexes sometimes throw it all up for a partner that turns out to be a bad bet, of course. But we've all got to live our own lives and make our own mistakes.

@Jaxhog I can understand why she was worried about telling me and I feel really sad that I wasn’t there for her. We did clear the air straight afterwards but never mentioned that conversation again and tbh she had been taking about buying houses in the UK so it was never really on my radar. You’re right though, it’s the present and the future that counts now.

@heartsonacake you seem intent on just seeing the negative in everything I say.

OP That’s because the “positive” things you are saying, to her and us, are either false or forced. And she knows it, particularly with you tacking emotional blackmail on the end with your “devastation” and “needing time to process”.

As I said before, having an honest relationship doesn’t mean telling your friend all your thoughts and feelings, especially when they’re a) selfish b) irrelevant and c) will cause nothing but hurt.

You aren’t learning from this thread at all.

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily mine got deleted too. I haven't received an email either. I've never had a post removed before. Sense of humour meltdown methinks.

Funny though because the OP didn't actually seem upset and answered us both reasonably (in the end) so I think it was someone who's trigger happy with the report button

@BondGate I think this is very good advice, thank you. I don’t want to add to her stress.

yes I have lots of other friends but everyone has that special one or two and she is one of those.

She doesn't see things the same way. There's a reason for this.

@ChickenyChick thank you this is sensible advice and interesting to hear how different people within a group handled it differently.