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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be angry my best friend is emigrating?

450 replies

rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 07:06

A bit of background - my best friend and I met at nursery school over 30 years ago. She is basically a sister to me and we have been through everything together. It’s hard to put into words how close we are - we chat every day without fail and see each other all the time despite not living in the same city anymore. We’ve been on countless trips and holidays and we’ve been there for each other at the drop of a hat numerous times. She is genuinely more like family to me than a friend, and as I don’t have any siblings she is the sister I never had. I don’t have anyone else I can rely on in the same way as her.

She met an Aussie a few years ago and mentioned they might emigrate at some point. I didn’t take it well and told her I thought it was pretty selfish as her parents are elderly and she’s an only child. We had a bit of a row about it and the topic has never come up since.

Fast forward to now - I’m 7 months pregnant (due in early March, hormones pretty crazy at the moment) and I had a call last night to say she and her husband are moving to Oz at the end of the month and she has a work visa initially for a short period but the likelihood is that she won’t be coming back. I want to be a good friend and supportive but I feel really hurt that she has kept this all from me until now, and also that she is leaving just weeks before my baby is due. I had always imagined our kids growing up together as we did and I find the thought of her moving absolutely devastating. I have been up all night crying and feel physically sick. I feel angry that she is choosing to leave at a time when she knows I will really need her. It’s like she doesn’t give a toss about me anymore. AIBU to be angry at how she’s handled this and the fact she is leaving just weeks before the baby is born?

OP posts:
T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 06/01/2020 12:45

I mean, ‘you haven’t done that!’

MNHQ
soniamumsnet · 06/01/2020 12:52

We've made a few deletions and we've received a lot of reports and we'll be going through those. Hopefully this conversation can now get back on track.

FruitcakeOfHate · 06/01/2020 12:52

She's putting her life first, the way you are, too. She has a job to go to and I doubt, 'I need to wait till a friend has a baby' is going to wash with those who hired her. Because it's not as important as her life and making a living. You've made your life your priority, of course, so why should she not make hers a priority, too?

73Sunglasslover · 06/01/2020 12:56

If you still don't see anything wrong with what you said about your sister's emigration being in some ways worse than her death, 73sunglass, then I can only suggest that you talk to some people who've experienced close bereavements, and ask them if it at least affords them some comfort that their loved ones aren't alive but having chosen to emigrate.

I have experienced close bereavements. It does afford me comfort that my sister and her family are alive. I think you have misunderstood what I meant.

Original poster
rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 12:58

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily I don’t know how much clearer I can make it? I’m not expecting her to keep her life on hold, and I’ve also said I regret the comment I made 4 years ago about her parents. I’m just very sad that she won’t be around, but I do understand that this is an incredible adventure for her and of course I want her to be happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 12:59

@FruitcakeOfHate she doesn’t have a job to go to yet, just the visa. That’s one of the reason it stung a little that she is leaving when she is, but it’s her choice and I have to respect that.

OP posts:
Equanimitas · 06/01/2020 13:00

OP, might your parents qualify for legal aid? If so, it might be worth looking into legal proceedings to force social services to do their job.

Alternatively, as suggested, tell them that as from next week you won't be able to help care for your parents and ask them to produce an urgent care plan.

Original poster
rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 13:02

@CatteStreet thanks for your opinion. It’s not about ownership or possession though, are we not allowed to feel upset when something Involving another person which has a Significant and direct affect on us happens, especially when it’s out of the blue?

OP posts:
Original poster
rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 13:04

@blobbytelephone thank you for sharing your experience and it’s lovely you still managed to stay in contact. Meeting half way is a good idea, I just wouldn’t be able to leave my parents for more than a couple of days at the moment. All the best to you!

OP posts:
FramingDevice · 06/01/2020 13:04

I’m still gobsmacked that even in the height of shock you thought for a single moment that your friend should have taken your due date into account when emigrating.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 06/01/2020 13:06

When I was 23 my best friend married an Australian and emigrated. A few years later my sister (who is my only sibling) emigrated to Australia just after ds1 was born. These were the days before the internet, Skype etc. Phone calls were really expensive so we kept them.very short.

Of course I missed them but I focused on the people near me, and have now got very close friends who live locally. I still am in contact with my friend and of course with my sister.

I get that you're upset but YABU to be angry. Your friend is about to embark on a huge adventure and so are you, and you shoul both be excited for one another.

Original poster
rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 13:06

@Beamur that’s a lovely story and I’m so pleased you’re still close.

OP posts:
muddypuddles12 · 06/01/2020 13:07

I actually completely see where you're coming from and why you're so upset. I'm sitting here imagining how I would feel if my best best friend (my baby's godmother / my maid of honour etc) sprung this on me a month before she left and I too would be heartbroken and would miss her SO MUCH. But angry? No, I wouldn't be angry.

I feel a little like you're making it all about you and how you feel, and with all due respect, it really isn't about you. It's her life and her decisions and as her best friend you should be encouraging her to seek out the experiences and make decisions based on what will make her happy....not you. I don't think you should be angry at her, and I don't think she's behaved selfishly by not staying here another few weeks just because it would suit you better, nor should you spend so much time focusing on the effect it will have on you and your life. Instead, put on your big girl pants and enjoy the time you do have left with her.

Original poster
rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 13:08

@FramingDevice you’re entitled to your opinion. But given all the previous discussions about how she was going to be around and godmother etc it has come as a bolt out of the blue that she is leaving in just a few weeks just before the baby is due.

OP posts:
Original poster
rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 13:09

@Equanimitas I haven’t looked into legal aid but when I couldn’t look after them for a bit due to illness they put emergency care in for 7 days but then that ended. I will look into it.

OP posts:
Original poster
rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 13:11

@GiveHerHellFromUs I will try and arrange a meeting with the social worker. Thank you for the advice.

OP posts:
FruitcakeOfHate · 06/01/2020 13:12

Her life is a priority, though, rainbow, just as yours is. Why on Earth do you think your due date is more important than her starting the new life she's been thinking about and planning for 4 years? You really do need to ask yourself this. 'Meeting' a baby is meaningless, it won't remember. Due dates, well you could be hanging round a month on either side with that. By then she may have been working for months. That's a lot of money!

I emigrated myself. When I had my first, my folks were on holiday. It never occurred to me that they needed to arrange their life around my personal choice and that was me their own daughter having a baby. I mean, I'm an adult making my own life. They are enjoying their retirement.

Crying all night till you're physically sick, you really need to examine the intensity of reaction. That seems very extreme.

She does not view the relationship the same way. And she is making her own life a priority, the same as you have, quite naturally.

Original poster
rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 13:12

@ssd thank you, I will have a look. I understand that friendships change over time but so far we’ve survived everything thrown at us.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 06/01/2020 13:12

This is part and parcel of the modern world Im afraid! My friend s brother has lived "down under" now for many years.She misses her SIL and nephews ,but has been out for holidays and they back here too.Often people will meet someone from abroad and decide to settle in the warmer country .There are many Mother and Baby groups /NCT /coffee mornings to attend with Baby and you will meet new Chums .I had a "bestie"all the way through School, and even went out with her DB for a while as well.However lost touch and havent seen her for a long while now .It is upsetting but you will get over it and move on .

Izzabellasasperella · 06/01/2020 13:13

My best friend moved abroad with her dh. I was sad of course and missed her like crazy. I did tell her before she went that I wanted her to stay but not in a serious or angry way.
The thing is I knew it was her dream. We would message and Skype.
A year later she found out she had terminal cancer. She moved back to the UK for treatment but died a few months later.
I wish with all my heart that she was still living abroad and enjoying her life.
Please be happy for your friend.

captainjacksparrow · 06/01/2020 13:13

@FramingDevice you’re entitled to your opinion. But given all the previous discussions about how she was going to be around and godmother etc it has come as a bolt out of the blue that she is leaving in just a few weeks just before the baby is due

She was deliberately withholding information from you to avoid a further tantrum. The only person this is a shock to is you. Her family and other friends will likely have know from the point of her visa application.

Self reflection really can be a marvellous thing

Original poster
rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 13:14

@FruitcakeOfHate I said I felt sick, not that I was. I do feel let down that she has made promises that she isn’t going to keep about being there.

I also don’t understand why everyone is saying she doesn’t view the friendship the same way? Are you suggesting that people who emigrate don’t care about those they leave behind?

OP posts:
Original poster
rainbowdreamer0 · 06/01/2020 13:15

@captainjacksparrow she had not told anyone other than her parents and her aunt until this weekend. So please don’t try and make me feel worse than I already do.

OP posts:
captainjacksparrow · 06/01/2020 13:18

Well clearly she doesn’t view you as “a sister” or she would have told you when she told her parents and aunt rather than when she told everyone else. Smile

Willow2017 · 06/01/2020 13:18

Rainbowdreamer0 Mon 06-Jan-20 10:50:53
@Tigeronatrain I think it’s actually really nasty to suggest someone would move to get away from someone. Not that it makes any difference I moved, not her, but we are still only an hour apart and I still see almost as regularly as when we were in the same place.

Op wrote this in reply to you and you missed it .
So maybe you should apologise for this aggressive bs?

So @rainbowdreamer0 Are you going to answer me? Where did you say on the thread (actually tell me what TIME on the thread ...) that it was YOU who moved away and not your friend (to somewhere else in the country.) Coz you sure didn't say it in your OP.

If you don't answer, then I can only surmise that you never said it coz it never happened, and I stick by what I said, that your friend probably moved away because she found you so intense.