To be angry my best friend is emigrating?

[rainbowdreamer0]

A bit of background - my best friend and I met at nursery school over 30 years ago. She is basically a sister to me and we have been through everything together. It’s hard to put into words how close we are - we chat every day without fail and see each other all the time despite not living in the same city anymore. We’ve been on countless trips and holidays and we’ve been there for each other at the drop of a hat numerous times. She is genuinely more like family to me than a friend, and as I don’t have any siblings she is the sister I never had. I don’t have anyone else I can rely on in the same way as her.

She met an Aussie a few years ago and mentioned they might emigrate at some point. I didn’t take it well and told her I thought it was pretty selfish as her parents are elderly and she’s an only child. We had a bit of a row about it and the topic has never come up since.

Fast forward to now - I’m 7 months pregnant (due in early March, hormones pretty crazy at the moment) and I had a call last night to say she and her husband are moving to Oz at the end of the month and she has a work visa initially for a short period but the likelihood is that she won’t be coming back. I want to be a good friend and supportive but I feel really hurt that she has kept this all from me until now, and also that she is leaving just weeks before my baby is due. I had always imagined our kids growing up together as we did and I find the thought of her moving absolutely devastating. I have been up all night crying and feel physically sick. I feel angry that she is choosing to leave at a time when she knows I will really need her. It’s like she doesn’t give a toss about me anymore. AIBU to be angry at how she’s handled this and the fact she is leaving just weeks before the baby is born?

I moved to the Middle East 7 years ago for my DH’s job. My DH grew up where we now live and my friends and family always knew we would jump at the chance to move.

When the opportunity came up my DSis took it terribly. She ranted at me, told me how we were breaking everyone’s hearts, told me I had to leave my DD behind with her! It was a nightmare. I kept my family and friends in the loop the whole time which took almost a year. A few months before the planned move we came out to visit and look at schools housing etc. My DSis had a massive wobbly, ranted on FB, deleted me off FB, told everyone how selfish and nasty I was. Essentially made it all about her. She made it hell for me. We still haven’t managed to ever fix our relationship. In fact, last summer I heard her saying to someone that the reason she doesn’t Skype/call etc is because it upsets my DD. That’s total rubbish.

My DD is the only grandchild on both sides of the family. My inlaws retired from the Middle East to Spain. They also gave us a hard time! Of all people I expected them to be supportive! They don’t even live in the UK now so it’s not like we see them any less than we would have!

My younger brother moved to the Middle East 3 years ago. Different country to me. Everyone told him how well he had done and wished him all the best!

I had some super supportive friends that I miss dearly. I go back twice a year though and with some close friends it’s like I’ve never been away. Most other friends have drifted away and it hurts when I go back and they don’t make the effort. I figure we would have grown apart anyway.

OP you seriously need to support your friend. It’s ok to say you’ll miss her and it’s ok to be sad. It isn’t right to be angry. The last thing you want to do is ruin your friendship for good. She is going to find it hard and having your support will make it a lot easier for her.

@CarolineMumsnet why have only the lighthearted posts been removed then and not the ones being personally offensive?

I think what hurts the op the most is facing the fact her friend doesn't see their friendship in the same way she does. I imagine it must take a lot of time and effort to emigrate and the fact her friend has been busy doing it all whilst never mentioning it to the op tells me they aren't as close as she thinks. I don't think a conversation 4 years ago would shut down any mention of emigrating now, the opds friend must have other friends she's close to that she's been discussing it all with.
Time to move on op, look forward to the baby coming and build your own life.

Having been on the receiving end of the 'like a bereavement' response to a decision similar to the OP's friend's, which reduced my immediate availability to the person concerned (I appreciate it is other PPs who said this, OP, not you), I can comment from experience that this sort of 'devastated' attitude comes from people who see the other person very much as existing in terms of their relationship to them only and not really in their own right. It's a very hard pattern to shift from, and it really needs doing once you're a parent, so, OP, as much as you don't like the harsher responses on here, I think it's very important to your further development as a person and a parent to take them on board. Attitudes like the one you've shown to your friend really are very damaging to relationships.

@ssd I think you're right - "we're emigrating in a few weeks and it's a done deal" was much easier for the friend than worrying about whether she'd be talked out of it

@RainMinusBow this exact thing happened to me. My bf since I was 5 got offered a role in Australia minus the dp issue. I was gutted as had a baby and knew I wouldn't be able to visit her. She told me oh I'll be back in 6 months it's only a secondment. It then got extended and extended and I'd still arrange time to speak to her weekly despite the hour difference and we'd talk for hours on those calls but she said she was so happy there. She could walk to work without a long commute she was in Sydney so everything was good. She'd send me pictures etc but god it wasn't the same.
She then gave me a date she was flying back for the final time and I was so excited. I think she knew, she then rang me and said oh looks like they've extended my contract again. I got off the phone and cried so much it was embarrassing. Luckily I had counselling at the time for something else and my counsellor said tell my friend I'm so happy for her but so sad at what's happened but in a way that not meant to make them change their decision etc but it's ok to say you're sad to them too.
For me I was lucky and eventually my friend came back to London but tbh eventually we made our lives far more separate and even though that may seem unimaginable right now to you I now see my friend a lot less have effectively moved on from the entwined life where I 'needed' her and we still meet up and I speak at least weekly but if she said she was moving I'd say that's ok now.
Good luck

One thing we did get very close to doing was meeting just the two of us somewhere in the middle of our respective journeys. Dh said I could go for a week and he has baby so if that's possible it might be worth considering, we didn't end up meeting because my friend couldn't get the annual leave but had she had stayed I'd definitely have met her somewhere en route to Australia instead of flying all the way there.

I can't believe you've removed these posts. I've seen a lot worse on the political thread. I've read everything that was posted. None of them were bad enough for a deletion. We're all grown up. Be nice to be treated as such.

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily I’m not trying to paint her as unreasonable. I do understand that she thinks this is a great opportunity and that if it makes her happy then that is fantastic and I know that I should and will support her.

I am very worried about how I will be able to manage as a new Mum with my parents to help. I’ve tried getting support from social services but we have a social worker promise the earth but there are no resources. My Dad has been on a waiting list for an electric wheelchair for 2 years. I can’t push his wheelchair at the moment due to being pregnant and my Mum can’t because of her illness and so he literally doesn’t leave the house now unless it’s for a hospital appointment or my husband is there. So yeah, my stress levels at the moment are already pretty high but that’s life.

@TicTac80 thank you for your post and it’s lovely that you still feel very connected and in the loop. She is an avid social media type so hopefully we will still be able to share our lives and be a part of each other’s adventures, even if from afar.

@rainbowdreamer0 this is going to sound really awful but sometimes the only way to get help is to tell social services you refuse to care for them any longer.

They then have a duty of care and have to act.

At the moment your parents will be low priority because they have you, but for a few weeks at the very least you're not going to be able to be there.

You also deserve to be able to go away on holiday and visit your friend or whatever.

Telling SS you're not willing to care for them anymore doesn't mean you can't by the way. You just have to pretend until they do what they're supposed to do.

Also op, people see family differently. I've learned this the hard way. If you see caring for your elderly folks as natural, then you won't understand your friend moving abroad and leaving hers. Both viewpoints are valid and correct to the owner. But hard to understand each others point of view.
I suspect once baby comes along, you'll start seeing how your friendship wasn't the one you thought it was. Harsh position to be in but one many of us have gone through. It's called getting older.

I know she would rather I say it to her face than behind her back.

Except that you don’t have to say it at all, OP.

Also op, there's an elderly parents section on MN, think it's in other stuff. You'll find posters going through the same as you and might have tips or advice that may help. If nothing else it's a place to share your worry with people who understand.

I want to be a good friend and supportive but I feel really hurt that she has kept this all from me until now

Of course she has. When she first broached the possibility with you, you called her selfish & created a big row over it.

Feeling angry is a stage of grief, & I get it, that you are devastated & grieving. You need to grieve - it is necessary & natural.
But what stands out most from your initial post is that not once - not even ONCE - have you referenced what this move means to your friend, how her relationship with her Aussie man is, what an opportunity it is for her or what she is going to do when she is out there. There is not one mention of how your friend is feeling - you don't even speculate about that.

Also ... nobody goes through the difficult process of long-haul emigration by setting dates which complement somebody else's pregnancy.

You might find it helpful to focus more on what this move means to your friend & how it will affect her happiness. You love her, so try to be positive & happy for her. Yes, her absence is going to be a wound for a while - but you can easily stay in touch via Skype etc, & who knows, maybe you will be able to have the occasional long holiday with her out there?

For goodness sake don't compromise these last few weeks with any more rowing - make the most of the time you have left with her & make sure you ask all about her plans, where she will be living, etc - being able to visualise her new life will help you deal with the 'loss' of her as you adjust not only to this news, but your new baby.

Haven't rft.
My best friend joined one of the armed forces. Previous to that we saw each a couple of times a week, did loads together.
I was furious. And upset. And sulked for about a year.
But, it's been the best thing for her. She's travelled all over the world, met her husband, had great experiences.
We're still good friends.
Since she went I had a baby, met my husband and also had good times.
Life doesn't always work out how you think it will.

I’m 99.9% sure this is a reverse so....

Of course your friend is unreasonable to be angry with you. Upset is reasonable - anger indicates she isn’t really thinking of you at all.

Good luck in Oz - it’ll probably be refreshing to get away from your toxic friend and make new ones.

I think it's absolutely okay to be sad that your best friend is moving to the other side of the world - that's totally normal.

What's not okay is you trying to make her feel guilty about it and expecting her to postpone her move so she's around for you to give birth!

So, YABU, purely based on the way you've reacted to the whole situation.

@speakball I’m not expecting her to fit in with my plans. As I said, the initial shock is wearing off and I’m not feeling angry any more, more just sad. I would’ve really liked her to have been here and yes maybe that is selfish. But it’s not going to happen.

CarolineMumsnet that would be reasonable if it wasn’t for the fact that it looks like you closed your eyes, moved the mouse around and just deleted whatever ones it stopped on. It’s the computer version of throwing darts at a board with your eyes closed. There was absolutely nothing offensive in my post and I’m bloody annoyed that it was deleted.

YANBU to be sad, but YABU to be angry and expect her to run her life around yours.

^^ ☝️☝️☝️

Sorry that was to T0ttaly

this has to be a reverse - if not you are very self obsessed! true friends are happy their friends have found hapiness - yes sad for their own loss of regular friendship but not wanting them to change their lives to suit you! all visas have time restrictions to enter countries - its likely she applied for this visa before you fell pregnant.

@rainbowdreamer0, can you see what an exciting opportunity it is for your friend though? You haven't mentioned that at all yet.

With the greatest respect (look CarolineMumsnet, I’m playing nice), how would you feel, OP, if someone said that you were being selfish for having a child, when your parents rely on you so much? You’d be, rightfully angry and tell them that they’re being ridiculous expecting you to put your life on hold until your parents no longer need you. Can you not see that it’s exactly the same for your friend? Why do you expect her to put her life on hold for you, because if you’re honest, this is not to do with her parents, but about your wants and expectations. You haven’t don’t that?