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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about being made to get up this morning by oh?

290 replies

RuggyPeg · 05/01/2020 20:35

I've lost all perspective about whether I'm being unreasonable or not. About many things in my relationship but this incident just happened.

We stayed overnight in a hotel. We both had a terrible night's sleep and got about 3 hours. Woke up early in the morning. He wanted to bounce out of bed and get going. I wanted another couple of hours of sleep. I wanted him to rest too. We had a 4 hour car drive ahead of us and didn't want him to be tired for it. He's a madman behind the wheel at the best of times and I spend most journeys terrified (huge argument if I dare say anything), so I didn't want him exhausted for it. He went mad, saying he wanted to get up and get going, I could sleep in the car (I can't, ever) and he was a nice guy & why did I always have to make him feel bad. He went on & on and made it unbearable, so as per usual, to keep the peace, I did what he wanted. I'm at a loss in general but do you think it was something I did that caused this argument?

We

OP posts:
WorryBadger · 06/01/2020 11:22

He hasn't turned into this arsehole, he always was this arsehole, he just covered it well.

You are grieving for the relationship you thought you had. And you are allowed to feel sad that all your hopes and thoughts about that relationship will not come true. But they never would come true, whether you were with him or not. You're in love with the man in your head, not the actual person.

I wish you strength and self-belief in the weeks to come. The scales have fallen from your eyes wrt his facade, and once you have seen the creature beneath, there's no pretending that it's not there.

Tistheseason17 · 06/01/2020 11:40

I actually think OP is strong but likes nice stuff with him and will continue to put up with it. Not sure why OP even posted tbh.

differentnameforthis · 06/01/2020 12:22

What else do you find yourself doing, against your will, to keep the peace, op?

Original poster
RuggyPeg · 06/01/2020 14:21

Tis the season....to be snidey. I'm independently wealthy, if that helps. I don't need his money.

OP posts:
Hedgehogparty · 06/01/2020 14:26

Are you afraid of him? He sounds domineering and unpleasant

nowaypose · 06/01/2020 14:31

He sounds like a total prick but you know that hence posting. He cheated on you, that’s enough reason to leave which you did but you returned to him, why? For him to dominate and demean you? Find some self worth and dump the bastard for good. I think taking back cheats is always a bad idea, they think they can get away with anything.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 06/01/2020 14:35

There are some posters here today who are hard of reading.

She's going to have a nice holiday and then she's going to end it.

Tistheseason17 · 06/01/2020 14:41

You can still be independently wealthy, OP, and like nice things you do when together. I know plenty of wealthy people who enjoy other people spending their money, not them.

If he was that bad how has this turned into a nice holiday?

OP, I just find your posts extremely conflicted ie. I've just realised how awful he is but I'm going to have a nice holiday with him - can these 2 things co-exist? Only if he's not really that bad.

PickAChew · 06/01/2020 14:43

I can understand why you're going on holiday. It gives you thinking and planning time.

SeraphinaDombegh · 06/01/2020 14:44

Oh OP. I'm glad you've got the measure of him now. He is indeed an abusive arsehole. Please follow through and leave him when you get back from holiday - you deserve so much better than him Flowers

Motoko · 06/01/2020 15:14

I'm confused how you can have a nice holiday with an abuser. Even if he doesn't kick off about anything, his driving, and the worry that he'll kick off, would be enough to ruin a holiday for me. It certainly wouldn't be relaxing.

Original poster
RuggyPeg · 06/01/2020 17:40

I'm not having a nice holiday and it's not relaxing but I made my decision to come and to not do so after being committed would have caused something just simply not worth it.

Tis the season - of course there's conflict. The guy isn't a monster who beats me every second of every day. The guy I fell in love with is still there and he can be lovely. It's taken me a while to realise though that actually, he's only lovely if he's getting his own way. I mean, we can all be a bit like that at times but this is far worse than that. He can go off into a tirade at me, dragging stuff up from ages ago, threatening to leave, projecting everything on to me. I don't know which way is up. I feel like I'm going insane. I keep thinking it must be me. If only I was nicer, funnier, less sensitive, more this, less that, then he wouldn't behave the way he does. Whilst I can see abusive men a mile away, weirdly, it's taken me a good while to see it in my own relationship and I'm devastated by the realisation.

OP posts:
FlamingoAndJohn · 06/01/2020 17:43

I understand op. Sometimes it’s easier just to ride something like this holiday out.
If he’s not physically or sexually abusive then you can cope with it in a way.

Original poster
RuggyPeg · 06/01/2020 17:43

Oh and he chain smokes too. I used to think it was cool and sexy and he never smelled of smoke. Now he stinks like an old ash tray and it's making me gag. The amount he spends on wine & cigarettes is criminal.

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 06/01/2020 17:48

OP- why not simply make arrangements to go home now? You don't live together - you could leave whilst he's asleep by taxi.
What is the benefit to you of prolonging this when you don't have to be there? It's never going to be a good time to end it, is it? He's never going to be happy about it

Original poster
RuggyPeg · 06/01/2020 17:57

True but I'm now literally in the middle of nowhere. No taxis or anything else. I'm riding it out.

OP posts:
thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 06/01/2020 18:00

I totally get that you do what you need to, to get through it til you're home and wishing you a speedy week. Do you have friends/family nearby to lean on?

Itsallgonewoowoo · 06/01/2020 18:18

Do what you need to do, as long as the long term aim is to leave him, you know the best way to do it

ArabellaDoreenFig · 06/01/2020 18:31

@RuggyPeg hope you are doing ok, sometimes it takes our hearts a while to accept what our head has been telling us, and it sounds like you’ve reached the point where you are ready to start listening to yourself and start moving on.

I would hide this thread as some posters are being a snidey for some reason. And buy a copy of ‘Its called a Break Up Because it’s Broken’ I think it will resonate with you.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 06/01/2020 19:09

RuggyPeg, it is so so very easy for people with no link or connection to you or your relationship to pontificate from their keyboard.

Strangers can safely advise other strangers to "leave the bastard" because it has precisely zero affect on their life and requires zero effort on their part.

You know what needs to be done. You've done it before, and you will do it again. But I can completely see why you are doing things your way. The only right way to do things is to do things that are right for us.

He's obviously not the awful human strangers who know nothing about him would like to think. There are very very few people in the world who are pure horrible evil scum. Most people are layered. (Yes, even all the perfect people, in perfect relationships who only date perfect people) most people have good and bad. And it is often easy to let the odd bad thing sdkide because the good is there too. I'm a good person. Occasionally I'm in a mood, or don't clean the bathroom, or I shout at my teenagers, etc. That doesn't mean my husband should leave me! Or it doesn't mean I'm worn down because me husbsnd doesn't lift a finger.

Your relationship has layers. Good and bad. Like every other relationship. Sometimes you notice the bad starts to outweigh the good.

Enjoy your holiday. You deserve a nice break. I hope you have it.

GhostCurry · 06/01/2020 19:41

OP, I am going to give you some advice and I hope you take it.

Google “reddit narcissistic abuse” and see if any of the posts you read on there seem familiar. There are people who have had their lives utterly ruined by their narc partners/parents/employers etc. You are not in that position, it seems, but it could be very useful for you to identify if your partner falls under this category. The cheating, the need for control, the charming handsome successful exterior. It’s a heady mix and one that’s incredibly difficult to walk away from. Good luck (I understand why you went on holiday, by the way.)

Motoko · 06/01/2020 21:02

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre This is not a case of someone having layers of good and bad, or having a bad day. This is classic abuse, and it sounds like you don't understand it. The "good layers" as you call it, are lies, they are not what that person actually is. They use it to keep control of their partners. If they were never nice, they'd never get further than the first few dates. Just like an actor portrays a particular personality, these men portray the nice, kind personality, from time to time, but they are no more that person, than an actor playing a part, is that character.

Many of the pps, (including me) are advising OP to leave, because we have also experienced abuse. We know that abuse escalates, so whilst he isn't violent to OP now, the longer she stays with him, the greater the danger. Many women murdered by their partners, had not had any physical abuse up to that point, so you can never say he wouldn't be violent, if he's only used emotional abuse so far.

This man is dangerous, and the sooner OP gets away from him, the better.

Al1cewith2020vision · 06/01/2020 21:37

This man is dangerous, and the sooner OP gets away from him, the better.

I agree with this, but if it’s safe, it can be better to leave in a planned way. Gathering documents and evidence for divorce, working out where to stay and lining up support for starters.

OP the Freedom Programme has been mentioned. Can I press it again? The road ahead is going to be bumpy and while you might think of yours as strong, it can help you.

Apileofballyhoo · 06/01/2020 21:58

I don't know if anyone has mentioned Why Does He Do That the Lundy Bancroft book but it might help you, OP.

Motoko · 07/01/2020 00:53

I don't know if anyone has mentioned Why Does He Do That the Lundy Bancroft book but it might help you, OP.

Yes, I linked to it upthread.

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