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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about being made to get up this morning by oh?

290 replies

RuggyPeg · 05/01/2020 20:35

I've lost all perspective about whether I'm being unreasonable or not. About many things in my relationship but this incident just happened.

We stayed overnight in a hotel. We both had a terrible night's sleep and got about 3 hours. Woke up early in the morning. He wanted to bounce out of bed and get going. I wanted another couple of hours of sleep. I wanted him to rest too. We had a 4 hour car drive ahead of us and didn't want him to be tired for it. He's a madman behind the wheel at the best of times and I spend most journeys terrified (huge argument if I dare say anything), so I didn't want him exhausted for it. He went mad, saying he wanted to get up and get going, I could sleep in the car (I can't, ever) and he was a nice guy & why did I always have to make him feel bad. He went on & on and made it unbearable, so as per usual, to keep the peace, I did what he wanted. I'm at a loss in general but do you think it was something I did that caused this argument?

We

OP posts:
Equanimitas · 06/01/2020 06:55

I'm not in any way physically at risk.

You are, every time you get into the car with him.

Original poster
RuggyPeg · 06/01/2020 07:06

Well, yes, true but I meant of anything physical from him. I'm with him cos I've had a good life with him for a long time. All this is recent and it's taken me a while to realise just how bad it's become and that actually, he's an abusive, gaslighting, aggressive arsehole, rather than the lovely, attentive, passionate partner he used to be.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 06/01/2020 07:07

You are physically at risk if he drives like a madman. And so is everyone else on the road.

Don't go on holiday. Go home.

Original poster
RuggyPeg · 06/01/2020 07:08

I also think he's texting another woman. I don't think he's actually physically cheating again (yet) but something is going on. Classic signs with regard to his phone are all there, again all quite recent.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 06/01/2020 07:10

"I'm a nice guy but you make me this way" is the kind of thing abusive men say to make you dance to their tune.

thickwoollytights · 06/01/2020 07:13

@RuggyPeg

I think ending the relationship and feeling free will be wonderful for you

He isn't who he used to be and you deserve to feel safe and happy

I used to think that being single would be lonely

I now know that it really isn't Thanks

Bananalanacake · 06/01/2020 07:24

Couldn't cope with a problem drinker. How would he react if you suggest he does dry January.

FlamingoAndJohn · 06/01/2020 07:29

You are financially independent.
You have you own home.
You don’t have children with him.

You can just walk away.

olllsss · 06/01/2020 08:27

So after 2 years you got back together? This man sounds like a serial cheat with no respect or love for you.

slipperywhensparticus · 06/01/2020 08:36

Before your update I was going to ask if you were with my ex 🙄

Dont waste anymore time with him

Ishotmrburns · 06/01/2020 08:48

...and he was a nice guy & why did I always have to make him feel bad

Huge red flags are waving here

Tistheseason17 · 06/01/2020 08:55

And, yet, you'll still go on holiday with him today whilst he's checking his phone for messages from another woman and you're walking on eggshells.

Perhaps his wealth is more attractive than you can control even though he's walking all over you and you actually have the capacity to stop it - own home, income etc.

Cryingoverspilttea · 06/01/2020 09:16

Get your self respect back, OP and get yourself back in the process.

Imagine what you could be missing out on if you waste any more time on a cheating arsehole 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
RuggyPeg · 06/01/2020 09:31

I don't need his wealth, I made my own money and am semi retired. Yes, I'm going away. He's charming and in a good mood, it's not difficult. What would be difficult is to say right now that I'm not going. It would cause an explosion. I don't want one. I want to just get myself back home, quietly with no drama and then end it. This is my real life, the shattering of hopes & dreams, the awful realisation that the man I loved for years is now abusive towards me. It's not something that I can just lightly walk away from. I absolutely am going to, I'm just getting my head around it all.

OP posts:
incognitomum · 06/01/2020 09:36

Are the children going in his car? Can't believe you'd ever allow your children to be driven by him. Risk your own life by all means but that's shocking.

MulticolourMophead · 06/01/2020 09:38

OP, I just saw your post about suspecting that he's texting someone. I was planning to post and say I'd be surprised if the affair 2 years ago was the only time he's cheated. If you're not having much sex, I'd bet he's going elsewhere.

He's only interested in what he wants. Don't bother going on the holiday, you're wasting your time with him.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 06/01/2020 09:49

I hope you have a lovely holiday OP.

TheWernethWife · 06/01/2020 09:55

Are the children going in his car? Can't believe you'd ever allow your children to be driven by him. Risk your own life by all means but that's shocking.

There aren't any children OP has confirmed that. Where did you get children from.

Butterflyflower1234 · 06/01/2020 09:59

OP please have some self-respect and ditch this horrible man once and for all. He did the worse thing possible, he cheated on you. You took him back and it doesn't sound at all like he's learnt his lesson.

Learn to love yourself and be independent. We all crave some form of connection but get a pet! This man is an utter drain on your emotions. You deserve better.

Zaphodsotherhead · 06/01/2020 10:12

He's not a catch. He's just rich and good looking. And being rich and good looking seems to give a lot of men the kind of complex that helps them to convince women that they are a catch, whilst underneath they are a seething mass of control issues. They also often despise women.

He's treating you about as badly as is possible, without actually hitting you. Once it was good, it's no longer good and he scares you. Those are all perfectly good reasons for leaving. Don't be blinded by what was, or think it will come back. It won't.

Original poster
RuggyPeg · 06/01/2020 10:14

I've tried to explain why I'm going on holiday. I'm not defending my choice or pretending it's a smart move but its how I want to do it.

OP posts:
AngelsSins · 06/01/2020 10:16

Note for the future, if a guy calls himself a Nice Guy™️, he’s a prick.

Original poster
RuggyPeg · 06/01/2020 10:17

I was on my own for 2 years, so I'm fine with that, I have several pets, so I don't need to add to the menagerie! I think something else I've realised is that he does actually hate women too, again, something he hides well. That said, I'm not the biggest fan of men, so 🤷

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 06/01/2020 10:22

The twattiest drivers are always the twattiest people. Their disregard for the safety of others and belief in their own superiority illustrates perfectly how they see the world.

They know fine well what the law is, or they wouldn't have passed their test. They just think that rules are for other people.

cushioncovers · 06/01/2020 10:22

Oh op get rid of him. You don't need to tolerate that kind of crap.