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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about being made to get up this morning by oh?

290 replies

RuggyPeg · 05/01/2020 20:35

I've lost all perspective about whether I'm being unreasonable or not. About many things in my relationship but this incident just happened.

We stayed overnight in a hotel. We both had a terrible night's sleep and got about 3 hours. Woke up early in the morning. He wanted to bounce out of bed and get going. I wanted another couple of hours of sleep. I wanted him to rest too. We had a 4 hour car drive ahead of us and didn't want him to be tired for it. He's a madman behind the wheel at the best of times and I spend most journeys terrified (huge argument if I dare say anything), so I didn't want him exhausted for it. He went mad, saying he wanted to get up and get going, I could sleep in the car (I can't, ever) and he was a nice guy & why did I always have to make him feel bad. He went on & on and made it unbearable, so as per usual, to keep the peace, I did what he wanted. I'm at a loss in general but do you think it was something I did that caused this argument?

We

OP posts:
MollyButton · 07/01/2020 19:07

And Skye is not that remote. But is also very friendly, if you asked someone would probably offer a lift.

BumbleBeee69 · 07/01/2020 19:10

Agreed.. Skye is probably the least remote island up here.. yesterday and today my teensy island.. like most of the others.. has been cut off from the entire mainland lol Flowers

Tistheseason17 · 07/01/2020 19:41

PP advises Skye has a bridge - why aren't you getting a taxi, OP?
What is stopping you going back to the home you dont share with him?

aroundtheworldyet · 08/01/2020 00:50

Sometimes I’m dumbfounded by people on mumsnet who think if you don’t have kids or a mortgage it’s just easy to walk away.

Just get in a cab!!! Yes of course it’s that easy when you’ve loved someone for 15 years and are slowly coming to terms with something really terrible.

Christ.

IncrediblySadToo · 08/01/2020 01:23

How was the rest of the evening?

Are you on Skye for the rest of the week, or moving on?

I’m pleased you have your own home to go back to!

I would consider making my own way home tomorrow & telling him you’re fine with treat like that. As long as you’re as physically safe as you say you are.

It does take your head & heart a bit to catch up when you’ve been with someone such a long time & have a future together planned...but you’ve seen what he’s like underneath and hopefully you’ll follow through with leaving him very soon 🌷

MollyButton · 08/01/2020 07:43

@aroundtheworldyet Haveyou read the whole thread?

She was with him for 15 years. But he had an affair and they split (for 2 years), and only got back together 6 months ago. She has an independent income and they don't live together - that should make it a lot easier to just walk away than for most people. She just has to give herself permission.

(I once came very close to walking off in the middle of France when I speak barely any French - and I had 3 DC and was financially dependent - the DC were the only thing that stopped me - as I did have my passport and credit card on me for some reason.)

Nanna50 · 08/01/2020 07:43

I think his behaviour is looking to blame you for a way out if he is texting another woman. Rather than taking responsibility for his own deceit he will either be so horrible to you that you leave the relationship or say that you are the one who is unreasonable and spoiling the relationship.

Either way he engineers the situation so that you end up believing that you are to blame, not him, and he is the innocent party. In his own mind he already believes that he is not at fault, he just needs to convince you.

If that makes any sense?

aroundtheworldyet · 08/01/2020 08:46

Yes I have read the whole thread
She asked people not to tell her to get in a taxi.

Equanimitas · 08/01/2020 08:50

She asked people not to tell her to get in a taxi

That was based on being "in the arse end of nowhere on a barely populated Scottish island.* However, since it's Skye she actually could get a taxi over the bridge relatively easily.

aroundtheworldyet · 08/01/2020 08:58

I think you might be missing the point of why she asked people not to tell her to get in a taxi.
But anyway I’m not going to derail this thread.

Op I know how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship when you don’t have children. I left and went back too. And leaving the second time was very hard for many reasons. Perhaps harder as the first time I was simply very angry and it was much more logical.

As long as you are safe then do things at your own pace. X

angieloumc · 08/01/2020 09:00

I hope you are alright this morning OP; did he continue with his awful behaviour towards you? When the scales fall from your eyes like they have with you, it does take a while to put things in place in your own mind if not physically.

WorryBadger · 08/01/2020 09:19

How are you hanging in there, OP? Just a couple more days of this, and when you get back you can be free.

StormTreader · 08/01/2020 09:28

*I think his behaviour is looking to blame you for a way out if he is texting another woman. Rather than taking responsibility for his own deceit he will either be so horrible to you that you leave the relationship or say that you are the one who is unreasonable and spoiling the relationship.

Either way he engineers the situation so that you end up believing that you are to blame, not him, and he is the innocent party. In his own mind he already believes that he is not at fault, he just needs to convince you.*

100% this ^^

TheReef · 08/01/2020 11:09

Blimey OP, so he's;

Had an affair
Won't listen to you when driving like a mad man (yes this also puts you in danger)
Drinks every night
Chain smokes
Is likely having an emotional affair
No intimacy
Emotionally abuses you
Shouts and belittles you
Doesn't respect your wants or wishes

Errrr why are you with him?

I'm sorry but any abuser has to be nice some times or no one would ever stay long enough. And as for his outward appearance - fuck that if he's this horrible inwardly

Go and enjoy your retirement on your own op. Life is way too short

RandomAmanda · 08/01/2020 12:10

OP there's a huge, wide chasm between 'I'm not in physical danger' and 'happy'.

bananacakerox · 09/01/2020 07:02

@RuggyPeg how are things this morning?

Original poster
RuggyPeg · 09/01/2020 08:19

I'm fine. Just riding it out still. I can't stress enough that I'm at no risk physically. That's just not him. It's so hard though. I'm all over the place. We had such a nice day yesterday but he's just gone mad and accused me of rejecting him sexually, even though he literally hadn't come near me or said anything and hasn't wanted any contact with me for weeks on end. It's pure gaslighting but it's hard when you're on the receiving end of it not to doubt yourself and question whether you've done something wrong. Anyway, we're off Skye today, back to halfway home. I've got a train booked to go home on Saturday.

Thank you so much for all your comments. Thank you. I'm going to re-read them all at the weekend.

OP posts:
StVincent · 09/01/2020 08:51

Oh Ruggy, I have everything crossed for you to stay strong about getting home tomorrow and blocking him. He doesn’t deserve you one bit. In fact in an ideal world these men would have “bully” tattooed across their face so no one else has to find out gradually over time like you have. Safe travels.

Zaphodsotherhead · 09/01/2020 09:40

I agree with keeping and rereading this thread Ruggy. Once you are home and on your own, re read not only the comments but the things that you've listed that he does.

Then block him on everything and keep rereading, especially when he tries to 'win' you back. The 'niceness' will only be because he can't bear losing. To him, this is a kind of competition, you versus him, you will only be allowed to leave when HE says so. So take control, dismiss him from your life and keep in mind how shitty this has all been for you.

WorryBadger · 09/01/2020 10:17

It isn't normal to be in a relationship where you are constantly questioning and doubting yourself, wondering if it's you or him. Healthy relationships allow for dissent and independence and being able to talk properly about your feelings and work together.

TheFaerieQueene · 09/01/2020 10:25

I’ve been just were you are @RuggyPeg. Rich, handsome and abusive. I went back too. I got out - we were married which made things more complicated- but it was worth it. It took all my strength, but I did it. If I can, you can too. I’ve also been scared due to his driving like an arsehole. I’m 16 years down the line and never been happier. You can do this.

BumbleBeee69 · 09/01/2020 21:58

Glad to see you're nearer home OP. Flowers

WorryBadger · 10/01/2020 09:15

Stay strong, OP x

avocadont · 10/01/2020 09:23

I'm not sure if you'll listen to what people are saying once you're out of the situation but I've been there and when you finally make the decision to just call it a day it will be the best thing you will ever do for you and your life, the situation you are in whereby you don't live together and you have no dependants makes this easier than it could be.

Stay strong, you're doing great Smile

Original poster
RuggyPeg · 11/01/2020 20:27

I'm finally home. A lovely friend picked me up from the train station and we talked for a while. She's my closest friend and so gentle & kind but even with her gentle approach, I just felt so frustrated at not being able to articulate properly how this has all made me feel and why I'm struggling to just walk away. I finally truly understand why the ' I believe you' campaign is so important. I'm exhausted by having to explain why this guy is abusive. I just want someone to believe me and to unpick it all from there. Thank you to the lovely people on here who do believe me, who don't think I'm over sensitive or over-reacting or imagining it. That's how he makes me feel and having other people think the same is too much to bear.

OP posts: