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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up trying to have a meaningful place in my dcs life

473 replies

Amaretto · 05/01/2020 15:06

So we've had another weekend where DH took the dcs out for their 'hobby' whilst I stayed at home. Nothing else exists apart from that hobby, one that I can't join in due to health reasons.
All weekends, every single weekend, is taken up by that. Events are written down on the calendar and it's just full. The bits that arent (like some saturday mornings) are used to do the food shopping and the like.
I feel like a spare part useful to get some bits and bobs, take them shopping for clothes/shoes and that's about it.

I have tried many times to explain to dh that I want to spend with my own children but it's falling into deaf ears. I've tried to force some 1-1 time with them (like going out for lunch) and I've managed that about twice with each of them in 6 months. There is ALWAYS something more important (like that hobby :(. If its not that, it's going to see PIL etc...). I very much feel I would have more opportunities to see my own dcs if I was seeing them EOW because I coud be in charge of what we do rather than automatically see everything being taken over by DH again.

I feel down and like I never have the opportunity to build up a meaningful relationship with them and never will.

OP posts:
FranticToddlerMum · 05/01/2020 15:08

How old are the kids OP and is it mainly DH who is driving the hobby? I do think you need to set apart some time for you and the DC. How about meal out on Friday night? I'd also book stuff in advance. If they can take time out of hobby to see PiL they can spend time with their own mum!

Fatted · 05/01/2020 15:12

How old are your DC? Do they actually want to do the hobby and enjoy it or is it DH driving it? Out of interest what is the hobby? Why can't you join in?

Personally, I would love it if my DH buggered off with the DC every weekend and left me to my own devices. But I can understand wanting to spend meaningful time with them.

Whynosnowyet · 05/01/2020 15:13

Spell it out op. Just recently I have told my dd's how their awful bickering is affecting me. The should be in the know about how you feel imo.

Original poster
Amaretto · 05/01/2020 15:14

they are 15 and 16yo.
DHwas the driving force in enrolling the dcs into it. Basically he had something he really enjoyed, and has taken the dcs to it since they were little so it's now the 'family hobby' with no place for me.
However, the dcs have now developped a great love for said hobby so its not just DH anymore.

It means that weekends are spent doing the hobby, talking about the hobby coming back home. Orgnaising the following weekends for the hobby etc...

Time with PIL is when there is a gap. FIL is terminally ill with cancer and my MIL needs help in the house. I can hardly say we're not going (esp as said hobby alredy takes precendence over going to see them anyway...)

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/01/2020 15:14

Do you ever go along and watch?

CruCru · 05/01/2020 15:15

Is it riding? That always seems to expand to suck up every bit of time and money available.

I think that there are a couple of things that you may need to do. Have a grown up conversation with your husband about what his expectations are in relation to the time spent on the hobby and your role within the family. It may be that he genuinely hasn't realised how little time you get to see your own children (ridiculous but possible). You may even benefit from a marriage counselling session.

The second is to put in the calendar an afternoon for you and your family. Book theatre tickets or something similar that has to happen when it is scheduled.

Original poster
Amaretto · 05/01/2020 15:15

@fatted, I can't join in because it involves running for hours and I have ME so often will struggle just to walk a few hundred meters.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amaretto · 05/01/2020 15:18

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz, there is nothing for me to watch.

@CruCru, Ive had that conversation many times already, incl the fact I wanted to spend time with y own dcs and that I was going to take them out for meal/cake on 1-1 basis every 2 weeks.
DH knew bout that and said he 'agreed'. The dcs knew about it and why.
There is still no space at all for me.

OP posts:
Scarlettpixie · 05/01/2020 15:19

What would you like to be doing with them? Could you shop online for delivery while you are home alone so that the saturday mornings that are all free you could go out for brunch or something? I can’t imagine your dc go food shopping with you anyway. Could you eat out on a friday night or have a film and takeaway?

CakeandCustard28 · 05/01/2020 15:20

Could you not insist once or twice a month you do something all together? Cinema? Meal out? Bowling? Or go with them to the hobby and cheer them up?
Sounds like your DH is being rather selfish. I get being excited because the kids are into the same thing as him, but to exclude you constantly isn’t on and he needs to take your feelings into consideration.

Original poster
Amaretto · 05/01/2020 15:21

That's why I want to give up btw.

I have tried. I feel I have done all the things I should have done. Carve some time for me and the dcs. Make it clear to DH and the reasons why I want to do that.
But the bottom line is that they are their happiest outside in the countryside, climbing a hill/running/doing the hoddy and I have no place into that at all.

Its even more frustrating because I used to do some of those things and truly enjopyed them. But now, not only do I have the frustration of being unable to do things I loved but I feel Ive also lost my dcs to it too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amaretto · 05/01/2020 15:22

@CakeandCustard28, see above. I have tried all that to no avail.

Friday night is out because they go and play tennis too.

OP posts:
Techway · 05/01/2020 15:22

Is it golf or cycling? I understand your feelings as you are being excluded. I think it's the lack of consideration/inclusion rather than time away.

I often think obsessive hobbies are a way to avoid intimacy, a focus on "doing" rather than "being". Also is there external validation from this as this can also be addictive.

If it's now 3 against you then you have very little opportunity to turn the tide. Are the DC both boys? Maybe girlfriends will disrupt the routine??

XXcstatic · 05/01/2020 15:23

Are your DC weekly boarders or something? If not, can't you spend time with them in the week, after school? At 15 or 16, it's perfectly normal for them to be spending most of each weekend with friends, not parents. I know it must be painful, but you will drive them away if you are too needy.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 05/01/2020 15:23

Can you do something in the evenings with them? Tbh I think making them give up the thing they love doing every two weeks so you can take them out for cake Is a bit odd.

OddBoots · 05/01/2020 15:23

What happens on weekday evenings? Do you have time together then?

SleepingStandingUp · 05/01/2020 15:26

What about in the week op? Could you Dom something after school one night a week?

Is there somewhere thry do their hobby you could sit and enjoy a coffee and then all have a coffee and cake after etc?

Do you have a working knowledge of their hobby so you can talk to them about it, get involved in the planning etc? Help them plot their runs etc?

OrangeSlices998 · 05/01/2020 15:27

They don’t eat dinner? Or breakfast? Have you spoken to the children about spending time together, they’re old enough to have their own feelings about it. I can’t remember my mum particularly carving out time for us as a teenager I was out or with friends, but we had dinner together.

SophieSong · 05/01/2020 15:27

I feel bad you can’t join in with activities but it sounds like they are sporty teens who love the outdoors. Frankly that’s healthy and bodes well for their future. I can’t think of many teens who would want to give up a fun activity every other weekend for going out for some cake with their mum.

On the other hand I also think your husband should be more supportive of family time - why can’t you all do a more gentle outdoor activity every now and then?

milliefiori · 05/01/2020 15:27

I really feel for you. That would make me sad too. But they love it and it's healthy. Your DH needs to co-operate and find some balance.
How about Friday night is Home Night. They stay in, watch a movie or play board/video games with you, or go out to cinema or for dinner somewhere.

You could also get them up early and go for breakfast somewhere while DH fixes up all the kit and packed lunches they;ll need for their day out and you get to chat to them while they eat.

I think I'd fake massive interestin their hobby too. Look at photos from their days out. Ask them to post images on family What's App as they go through the day so you can keep up with what they are doing.

Keep an ear out for anything else that might interest them. What music they listen to, video games they play, fashion they like etc and try to build that up to a shared interest.

AvaSnowdrop · 05/01/2020 15:28

What’s the alternative though? Do you want to stop your DC doing their hobby that they love?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/01/2020 15:28

What time do they do the hobby? Can you all go out for breakfast one weekend morning before it starts?

MrsTumbletap · 05/01/2020 15:28

Why does Saturday morning mean food shopping? Why can't it be delivered on a weekday evening?

Why can't your DH get the shopping on a Saturday morning so you can be with the kids?

Why can't Tuesday evening be pizza and board game night?

Why can't you pick them up from their hobby on a Sunday and all go to a pub lunch/carvery?

They obviously like being active and that is really good for teenagers, can you do things like bowling? Could tennis on a Friday night be changed into bowling and then arcades? Not as physically demanding for you and you can sit down in between goes.

FranticToddlerMum · 05/01/2020 15:29

What happens if you book yourself and DC into a restaurant and write it on the calendar? Will DH just take them to the hobby anyway? It does sound very frustrating OP.

Original poster
Amaretto · 05/01/2020 15:29

Duing the week, I have two evenings where I work untl 7.00pm. So I basically come home to eat, clean up etc... No time to do anything else.
Two other day, dcs have their own activities so they are either out for the evening or coming back home late.

That leaves Monday evening..... Im not sure what i can do with them during that time. Its usually used by them doing homework and 'chilling' (dc1 is doing his GCSE this year too so it's 'busier' than it has been)

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