To give up trying to have a meaningful place in my dcs life

[Amaretto]

So we've had another weekend where DH took the dcs out for their 'hobby' whilst I stayed at home. Nothing else exists apart from that hobby, one that I can't join in due to health reasons.
All weekends, every single weekend, is taken up by that. Events are written down on the calendar and it's just full. The bits that arent (like some saturday mornings) are used to do the food shopping and the like.
I feel like a spare part useful to get some bits and bobs, take them shopping for clothes/shoes and that's about it.

I have tried many times to explain to dh that I want to spend with my own children but it's falling into deaf ears. I've tried to force some 1-1 time with them (like going out for lunch) and I've managed that about twice with each of them in 6 months. There is ALWAYS something more important (like that hobby :(. If its not that, it's going to see PIL etc...). I very much feel I would have more opportunities to see my own dcs if I was seeing them EOW because I coud be in charge of what we do rather than automatically see everything being taken over by DH again.

I feel down and like I never have the opportunity to build up a meaningful relationship with them and never will.

I didn't have a hobby at that age but still didn't go out with my mum, went out with friends.

So...do you not eat dinner together every evening? Chat while washing up?
My 16 year old and I bond over musicals on the telly in the evening after homework etc

You need to find stuff for you to do at weekends so you're busy too and when you all come back together you have news to share.
What's the hobby? Why do people always refer to mysterious hobbies??

I thought you were going to say they were much younger. At that age, I think the unusual thing isn't that they don't spend their weekends with you, it's that they do spend them with their dads (which inherently leaves you on your own), and that's what I'd talk to DH about - him making more time to spend with you. But I suspect that your teenagers would find something else to do if dad said he wasn't taking them orienteering (or whatever it is) that weekend, and that it wouldn't be cake with their mum!

I would think at this age most teens don’t spend that much time with their parents its just that in your case they are with Dh instead of on their xbox or round a mates and you feel excluded. I am sure you have a meaningful place in their lives being mum. This does not mean going out for cake every couple of weeks. I don’t do that with DD 13 but we do eat together or watch a film or play a board game. He is in the house more too, though often taking to his mates to the exclusion of all else! As for EOW, at 15 and 16 I would still expect them to be able to pursue hobbies when with the other parent so that won’t help. Would you really say they couldn’t.? I understand your frustration at spending little time with DH at the weekend but has this recently got worse or has it always been this way? Is there something you could do for you while they are out? Is your physical limitations making it worse more recently? Just wondering what has changed if they have bee doing this since they were small. I am sure lots of families are like this to some degree. Hobbies like football, dance or riding are ones that spring to mind as being all encompassing and it is rare both parents are involved in my experience.

Of course, we spend time together having dinner etc... But that's not the same. It doesnt change the fact we have nothing in common anymore. Nothing that we can share or have in common iyswim.

Saturday morning... what do you think I could do with them that they will enjoy but isnt sporty at all?? Because Ive tried to find ideas and I can't find any tbh.

Op do you do the food shopping or does DH? If he's doing it, why can't you do something with the kids? If you're doing it, why not do it in one of the busy weekends?

Pizza night in a Monday so no wasted time having to cook, all sit down for a break from studies to talk?

What time are they actually out on a weekend? It is in part part of having odler kids with social lives and intetests

They're 15 and 16 and spend all their time outdoors climbing and running - it somewhat sounds as though you're winning at parenting teens actually...

It is fairly normal not to do an awful lot with teens.

Does your ME prevent you doing the shop without help? Do the supermarkets not deliver where you live? It seems a shame to be using what time you do have together in the supermarket unless that's really the only way to get the shopping.

What's the DC's view? Have you told them you miss them and would like to go for coffee and a catch-up once per week? Or have you just talked to your husband.

Well, they've been doing it since they were little, why is it bothering you now.
You agreed to have no weekends, so you can't really complain and expect them to stop now.
I'm surprised a dh would do this, knowing there was no other family time.
I'd have said half a day at weekend for hobbies, if working all week.

@Bigearringsbigsmile, I have no issue keeping busy at weekends. Im pretty used to have no family time and have developped my own interests. I have spent many weekends doing my own things.

This doesnt mean it's right though. That means no family time together. No time to build memories together because we are not together. I am not joking when i was say I wouod see thsoe two teens more if I was divorced and they were coming EOW.

@LisaSimpsonsbff and @ch3rrycola raise really good points. I wouldn’t expect to have much ‘quality’ time with a teenager unless, like your husband, there was a shared interest and even then I wouldn’t expect to be as closely as involved as your husband.

It stood out to me that your missing your own chance to do a similar hobby; I think this is where your energy needs to lie. You need to find something that you enjoy for your time. If you could fill that gap family meals and time spent together would probably happen more easily if it’s not something your chasing.

I’d agree your husband should probably be making the effort to spend more time with you, it’s like you’re experiencing empty nest syndrome but without your DH. You sound like you’re having very different lives at the moment.

Tbo I think it's great two teens have a hobby they love doing that also involves 4 hours of running!! I can see why you'd feel upset though.

Could you have a family night during the week when you all do something together at home or go out?

I expect they have a lot of school work to do on weeknights, but if they are very organised they should be able to have a night off?

TBH this would be the same whatever activity they did to a high level- and worse if they each did different activities. Families with a national standard gymnast or very serious musician, for example, will give up the majority of their family time to the activity. Families do it because they believe that facilitating their children is the best thing for them.

But that's not the same. It doesnt change the fact we have nothing in common anymore. Nothing that we can share or have in common iyswim

Not many people.do with older teens though.

DS is same age and doesn’t want to spend time with either of us!
Over the last year I have become accustomed to not being needed -unless to provide food, or wanted- unless on his terms.
I miss him, most of my friends are in the same boat

Tbh unless I have my credit card out and I’m
Spoiling them I don’t see much of my 16 and 17 year old. They are choosing a holiday in some shit hole in Spain with their friends over Disney with me and their sibling.

I’m hoping they’ll come back once it’s out of their system. Seems to be the way

Amaretto most people don't do family time and building memories with 15 and 16 year olds except perhaps on holiday.

As others say, the time your teenagers spend with their father is unusual but most teens are with their friends or on consoles.

Did you and your siblings hang out with your parents when you were 16?

Could you do something mid week with them individually, like dinner, cinema, show. And take up a hobby yourself for when they're busy at the weekends.

@Drabarni, I have never agreed for that hobby to take the whole of the space and for me to be left behind. No.

And I have being grumbling for a long time about it whilst at the same time, said hobby has taken more and more space. Think full weekends away several times a year, a full week of holiday doing just that etc....

Its just that this weekend, it has caught up with me again. And I makes me want to just throw everything away and let them all have fun on their own whilst I rebuild my own life again wo them.
Because wat's the point of me being there?

Family brunch ( at home) on a Saturday?

That's what we did as a family . I have a disability but could still do that.

@thelongdarkteatimeofthesoul, I dont have siblings but yes at that age, I did spend time with my parents. Not all of my time but SOME time.

I have no time with them. So I am beginning to think they wouldnt miss me anyway.

What are your hobbies and interests OP? And what effort have you put in in the past to introduce them to the dc?

It sounds to me as though dh has incorporated them into his existing hobby and they've developed a passion for it. This is lovely for them.

Is this maybe highlighting the lack of your own hobbies and interests or a failure to introduce them when the dc were younger?

Are they boys or girls? I only ask as with boys, I think as teenagers it can be harder for the mum to connect with them sometimes. Girly shopping trips and spa days, are obviously a prime example of something most daughters would enjoy with their mum, and a chance to reconnect. With sons it can be trickier to get into their minds. I think it's great they have such passion for this hobby (whatever it is), in a time where alot of teenagers are bored all weekend, and getting into trouble, or glued to screens. But I do empathise with how you feel left out. What about arranging a once a month family night bowling/cinema and meal out, something to look forward to that you can all hopefully engage with. Or a takeaway and board game night? There's alot of new board/card games that appeal to teens and adults alike, and would be a good starting point for reconnecting with your teens again?

Even if you were divorced your children are old enough to choose what they want to do and you may not even see them EOW as you would like. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you sound very jealous and although suggestions have been made for ways to spend time with them you have made excuses. They will resent you or feel guilted into spending time with you on your terms if you carry on in this way. They sound like very well rounded mature and most importantly healthy teenagers and you should be proud and happy about it. There are times in every parent and child relationship where it distances and becomes closer again. I understand you feel you are not getting to make memories but aren't you happy they are making memories of the things they love doing?

At 15 & 16 I’d be over the moon they were out doing what yours do. The alternative is they go out with friends or sleep in? Could you go to the cinema or bowling or similar one evening a week have dinner out?
I struggle to get my 14 year old out of the house at the moment and my 18 year old is never home but we still have a relationship he’s my son and I love him, I’m happy he’s happy and enjoying life with friends/girlfriend etc I wouldn’t say I have much in common with him either but he’s a nice boy and is mostly thoughtful and sweet to me. I have 2 younger sons as well as my teenagers.

Could you book a weekend away every couple of months or a day trip but obviously with them choosing places they’d like to go or things to do with you. If this is their hobby and their dads would they not still want to be doing it even if you were seeing them eow?
With my teens it’s the little things that remind me they love me, my 14 year old just brought me a chocolate and helped me pair socks whilst we chatted. It’s hard work I know as they seem to want to do their own thing.

My younger 2 are easier to entertain. Perhaps your ME has made you think and become sad about them getting older but they’ll always be your kids and love you, but I appreciate it must make you feel lonely and sad when they go off every weekend and in evenings

What about time with your dh? Is all the time you might spend together as a couple taken up by his activities? (I agree trying to force time with dc at that age is tough.) How would he react if you sat him down and said “Look, you know if I could I’d be out with you but I can’t and I’m lonely”(that’s what it is isn’t it.) “I miss family time, I miss time with you.”
(Btw I feel for you, I have a husband who had an all consuming hobby, at its height it coincided with my ds moving out and my dd going to uni. I felt very alone.