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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up trying to have a meaningful place in my dcs life

473 replies

Amaretto · 05/01/2020 15:06

So we've had another weekend where DH took the dcs out for their 'hobby' whilst I stayed at home. Nothing else exists apart from that hobby, one that I can't join in due to health reasons.
All weekends, every single weekend, is taken up by that. Events are written down on the calendar and it's just full. The bits that arent (like some saturday mornings) are used to do the food shopping and the like.
I feel like a spare part useful to get some bits and bobs, take them shopping for clothes/shoes and that's about it.

I have tried many times to explain to dh that I want to spend with my own children but it's falling into deaf ears. I've tried to force some 1-1 time with them (like going out for lunch) and I've managed that about twice with each of them in 6 months. There is ALWAYS something more important (like that hobby :(. If its not that, it's going to see PIL etc...). I very much feel I would have more opportunities to see my own dcs if I was seeing them EOW because I coud be in charge of what we do rather than automatically see everything being taken over by DH again.

I feel down and like I never have the opportunity to build up a meaningful relationship with them and never will.

OP posts:
Muddyfieldsandprimroses · 05/01/2020 15:56

I’ve noticed my husband sometimes seems to purposely exclude me from things to, with the kids, if he can, I think it’s competitiveness.

It’s usually overcome, but this might be your problem.

Get out, have a look at the local college, adult education classes, often they are quite reasonably priced, or can be free. You can even pay by instalments.

Original poster
Amaretto · 05/01/2020 15:56

@Witchend, you are completely off the mark.
I was the one who instigated them (the dcs and dh) starting said hobby even though i couldt do it.

OP posts:
Stann86 · 05/01/2020 15:56

You say you are being excluded. So to clarify, you would rather your children did not partake in the hobby they clearly love and are invested in just so you feel included. You are being very selfish. So many suggestions have been given that you ignore. For whatever reason you have a poor me attitude at the minute and thats what needs sorting first. Speak to your husband, not your children -they do not need to be told and made to feel guilty and that they are in the wrong when they have done absolutely nothing wrong. Carry on with this attitude and you will push them all away and end up on your own. Please don't get their backs up as you'll never achieve a closer relationship with them.

pallisers · 05/01/2020 15:57

What is unusual here is that the teens are happy to share their pasttime with their father still. Most 15 and 16 year olds would find that stiffling. DH got all of ours into his hobby (sailing) but it only stuck with one of them - but they don't sail together except very rarely.

My experience is the time you get with teens of this age and older is chatting over dinner, playing a game some evenings, chatting over a cup of coffee in the morning. having a conversation while dropping them somewhere. If they weren't off doing this hobby, there is little chance they'd be having lunch with their mum in town. Realistically at that age, they wouldn't be coming to your eow and sitting at home - they'd be off doing what they wanted.

Tbh, OP, you sound like your husband is pissing you off and I wonder if that is what is really going on.

Original poster
Amaretto · 05/01/2020 15:57

@Muddyfieldsandprimroses, how is that going to help me see my kids? Confused

OP posts:
NewNameGuy · 05/01/2020 15:57

Your DH should get on your side here. It's not fair

Ninkanink · 05/01/2020 15:57

I do agree - this is actually about your husband, not your children.

What sexes are your children, btw?

BonnyConnie · 05/01/2020 15:57

I have a fantastic relationship with my father. We have no common interests, just spent a lot of time together having long conversations. He would tell me stories from before I was born, we would do the grocery shopping together, I would tell him about my school friends etc etc. I wouldn’t give up. Just take the time to have meaningful conversations with them.

Notmyideamovingon · 05/01/2020 15:57

Op there have been lots of really good suggestions and you have rejected all of them. Chronic illness can be really isolating and depressing. In the nicest possible way easy could this be affecting your judgement? (I have a chronic illness too I get it). I'm separated from my dc father and we work hard to make sure they can still do their activities on each weekend regardless of such parent they are "with". So I wouldn't think you departing from their father is the answer Flowers

GetOffTheTableMabel · 05/01/2020 15:57

They are 15 and 16 and it sounds as though they have a meaningful and healthy pastime. It’s so normal for kids that age to take their mum for granted a bit. It will pass. Please don’t resent their good relationship with father or their passion for a healthy hobby. You have a lifetime of being their mother and the real obstacle to a good relationship could be your attitude, not theirs.

SophieSong · 05/01/2020 15:57

why you can’t be involved in the hobby in terms of going away for the weekend with them if they go away a lot with your husband? It would be easier to understand why not if you’d say what the hobby actually is.

Ninkanink · 05/01/2020 15:58

(Sorry is you’ve already said, but I’ve tried to skim the thread)

OverByYer · 05/01/2020 15:58

Can you get involved in the hobby ? ( are we allowed to know what it is?)

Something like timekeeping? Marshalling? Bringing hot drinks and cakes for the finish?

My son has a hobby that takes up most of the weekend ( rugby) I would t want him to stop playing so he can do other things with me

fishonabicycle · 05/01/2020 15:59

To be honest most teenagers that age are not spending a lot of time with their parents. Mine was in bed Saturday morning, at work Saturday afternoon, generally out or had his friends round Saturday evening, then Sunday football took up most of the day. Any spare time was homework. I used to make a point of taking him for brunch/lunch every holiday though.

PapayaCoconut · 05/01/2020 15:59

Because it has to be something that DH enjoys and it means it will an outdoorsy type of stuff.

He's a bit bloody selfish, isn't he?

pallisers · 05/01/2020 15:59

Because it has to be something that DH enjoys and it means it will an outdoorsy type of stuff. Not the stuff I would be able to do (and yes that includes having lunch somewhere).

Well tell him no. If you say "lets go to the pub for lunch today the 4 of us" and he says "I've a better idea why don't we climb ben nevis instead" just say "No, we're going for lunch - you can climb your mountain another day"

Ninkanink · 05/01/2020 16:00

@OverByYer OP has said age can’t get involved due to chronic illness/disability.

Italiangreyhound · 05/01/2020 16:00

Amaretto your husband sounds very unfair ad uncaring. Do you have a good relationship with him at all?

Could you go for marriage counselling?

"Time with PIL is when there is a gap. FIL is terminally ill with cancer and my MIL needs help in the house. I can hardly say we're not going (esp as said hobby alredy takes precendence over going to see them anyway...)"

I'd suggest your dh goes to his parents house to help his mum etc and spend time with his dad. While you spend some time with the kids.

Of course, you can still see your inlaws but I think you know time with your own kids is a priority for you.

Your dh has made family life impossible for you. Sad

PapayaCoconut · 05/01/2020 16:00

Something like timekeeping? Marshalling? Bringing hot drinks and cakes for the finish?

OP has ME. I doubt she would enjoy standing around in the cold in order to provide "support services" all weekend.

Cohle · 05/01/2020 16:00

You're their mother, not sharing a hobby doesn't mean you don't have a meaningful place in their lives though.

A great many parents have to feign an interest in video games or shite music or whatever to connect with their teenagers.

Gottalovesummer · 05/01/2020 16:00

Lots of posters have commented on their teens spending more time with friends. Yours obviously spend lots of time on their hobby.

BUT there's still plenty you can do with them. Mine are teenagers and at the weekend they both do hobbies and meet up with friends and in order to spend time with them we do things like:

Cinema
Bowling
Out for lunch/shopping trip
Trip to London, taking it in turns to decide what to do
Music gigs

Or at home:

Baking/cooking
Have a backgammon tournament (or similar)
Watching films

I'm sure you can do something of the above with them? While still accepting how important their hobby is.

OverByYer · 05/01/2020 16:02

@Ninkanink yes I saw that that’s why is suggested getting involved in a different way Hmm

Although it doesn’t seem that the OP is open to anyone’s suggestions so I wonder why she started the thread in the first place

thelongdarkteatimeofthesoul · 05/01/2020 16:02

Amaretto it's not surprising that were missing the point if the point is something that you don't mention until almost an hour into the thread...

So the problem is actually that when your children are not doing their hobby they're doing family activities outside with their dad.

Those teenagers spend a highly unusual amount of time with their father! Do they have any chance to socialise with friends their own age?

Lucked · 05/01/2020 16:02

Most 15-16 year olds don’t hang out with family during the day at weekends. I certainly (believed) had nothing in common with either parent at that age.

I am not sure if you would notice as much if they spent the times with friends or at a hobby without their dad. I think it is more that you are alone coupled with how close the DC are to their dad and the fact that health problems can be limiting and isolating.

I won’t be long until your children fly the nest and I wonder if the problem might not be your marriage rather than your relationship with your children. Presumably you also never see him.

KingscoteStaff · 05/01/2020 16:03

I think we see more of our 2 teens than many of our friends do with theirs, but only because we drive them to sport, watch them (for hours) do sport and drive them home again. Most of our friends with children who don't need that kind of support really only see their older teens in passing.

Could tennis night be swapped to one of your work nights (or vice versa), then you would have one family evening for dinner and catching up OR introducing them to one of your hobbies?