To give up trying to have a meaningful place in my dcs life

[Amaretto]

So we've had another weekend where DH took the dcs out for their 'hobby' whilst I stayed at home. Nothing else exists apart from that hobby, one that I can't join in due to health reasons.
All weekends, every single weekend, is taken up by that. Events are written down on the calendar and it's just full. The bits that arent (like some saturday mornings) are used to do the food shopping and the like.
I feel like a spare part useful to get some bits and bobs, take them shopping for clothes/shoes and that's about it.

I have tried many times to explain to dh that I want to spend with my own children but it's falling into deaf ears. I've tried to force some 1-1 time with them (like going out for lunch) and I've managed that about twice with each of them in 6 months. There is ALWAYS something more important (like that hobby :(. If its not that, it's going to see PIL etc...). I very much feel I would have more opportunities to see my own dcs if I was seeing them EOW because I coud be in charge of what we do rather than automatically see everything being taken over by DH again.

I feel down and like I never have the opportunity to build up a meaningful relationship with them and never will.

Why don't you do something 1:1 with the DC every other Monday - so once a month for each DC. It doesn't have to take the whole evening - just a coffee after school for an hour - so still time for homework and chilling.

This is the reality of teenagers. Whether they are doing a hobby, gaming, studying ir hanging with friends anything is better than spending the weekend with parents eating out, cinema or board games. Yes its tough for parents but it is them and you moving on to the next stage in life. You will not see them if you have them eow because they will still be doing their hobby.

I think at aged 15/16 it isn’t about doing set ‘activities’ to spend time together it’s about the little things like watching a movie on a night or having a meal together.
At that age most kids are developing separate lives to their parents, finding their own social group with shared interests who they will spend most of their time with.
It’s just unfortunate for you that their hobby is the same as your DH and that has led to you feeling left out.

I agree with previous posters. Now is the time for you & your husband. Your DC are heading towards adulthood. Most mid teens do not spend that much time with parents.

Your DH needs to reduce his time doing this hobby so you and he spend time together at the weekend.

At 15/16 I hardly ever spent time with my parents:

I worked all day Sat and Sun, was always out Fri and Sat nights, often weekday evenings as well, when I wasn't out I was in my room doing homework etc.

We didn't have any family holidays and on school holidays I would again be out all day or would do extra days at work (coffee shop) to earn more money.

I am now in my 40s and my mother lives with me because she's unwell - we are very close, partly because she was so easy going when I was young and let me go off and do my own thing.

I am not saying everyone should be like we were/are, just adding an alternative pov.

@pallisers, if I was putting my foot down, which I have done in the past, I end up with a grumpy DH who creates an atmosphere.

@Ninkanink, yes it is an issue with DH, not the dcs. The dcs are great. Amazing human beings that I wish I could spend some meaningful time with rather than feeling pushed aside by DH. And I certainly dont want to stop them doing what they love.

And to whoever said about the link with my illness, yes it is also about that. Because I dint think DH has accepted in any shape or form the consequence of me being ill.

What is the mysterious hobby?

I'd also look to getting involved as and when. Help them plan routes in advance. Drop them off if you're up to driving. Camp out at the cliff face if they are practicing. Ok, your condition might mean you can't do it every time, but some days are better than others, I'm sure.

( are we allowed to know what it is?)

RTFT

Is there a kind of base camp at the events they go to? My DS does a sport that I know nothing about (sailing). Regattas are all weekend, and at some points in the season, every weekend.

I don't see him the majority of the time we are there because he is far off shore- often too far to even see with binoculars. However, there are parents camped out on the shore- often the same people so I can get to know them. There are loads of jobs to be done so I can feel useful even though I know nothing.

Is there no capacity for you to go along as event support even though you wont see your actual family members for most of the day? The you could feel part of it.

The canny families I see have slick campervans for event-support purposes. I fancy that so I could have a nap!

The bits that aren't (like some Saturday mornings) are used to do the food shopping and the like

Why don't you do the 'food shopping and the like' while they are out doing their hobby? Then those free bits can be used to spend time with your children!

@OverByYer I think the point is that it’s not feasible for her to be involved in any capacity, most likely due to logistics of the hobby.

@Amaretto You are lonely, I think. But your children are at the stage where they generally wouldn’t be naturally drawn to spending all or even any of their leisure time hanging out with their parent(s). Obviously their love for the hobby has meant that they do actually spend lots of time with their dad.

Your loneliness is coming from your husband’s neglect of you, his selfishness and his commitments to other people without also making you one of his top priorities.

It sounds like your problem isn’t actually the hobby but the fact that not only does your DH get to spend time with your DC doing their hobby but he also monopolises other areas of free time by either instigating other ‘family’ activities which you can’t join in with due to ill health or by arranging to see PILs?

Your H and not the hobby are not the problem in that case; it’s entirely reasonable and normal that your teen DC want to spend time doing their hobbies but it is difficult of every time when there is an opening of free family time your H immediately fills it with something he wants to do with the DC even if that excludes you. Is he controlling or dominant in other ways?

I think you need to talk to your H and explain that you want some time to do other things as a family, ideally with some ideas of what these things would be before the conversation. Sit down with H and your DC and the family calendar and carve out and plan the time and activities several weeks in advance before your H has the opportunity to fill that free time with other things you can’t join in with.

Why doesn't your selfish husband do the food shop etc?

At their ages it is surprising that they are spending most of the weekends with their dad. If the activity were to stop, then I do not imagine for one moment they would start coming out with you instead. The situation has evolved to be what it is and, whilst you might regret it, it won’t be possible now to wind it back and change it. You have identified Monday evening as a free period. Suggest seeing a film with your DCs each Monday or going out for something to eat if money permits. I have 2 teenagers (plus a younger child) and although they are not involved in activities that take up the whole weekend I don’t think I spend much more time with them that you do with yours. Because they have busy lives away from me.

@Amaretto Cross post.

This is very sad. Can you manage your daily life without him? Because I actually don’t think you should stay with him. He’s not being good, kind or loving to you.

Does your DH rely on the children?

It's starting to look as though he's actually using the children as his pseudo-friends / distraction from the fact his wife's ill... Or as a buffer to avoid actually spending time with his wife!

The point is clearly nothing to do with the opening post and everything to do with something going on psychologically with the DH.

I do think at 15 and 16 you could have this problem with your kids even without your DH being involved in the hobby. I don’t think I did anything with my mum at that age - she was also unable to be active and I was off out all the time. We still had a meaningful relationship in a teenager/parent kind of way as she was interested in what I did even though she didn’t do any of it with me. But you are feeling excluded because your DH can do these things with your DCS and that leads to a little resentment/jealousy on your part because there’s no consideration from your DH for your situation?

It seems to me the issue here is maybe more that your DH is mean(?) about your disability and hasn’t made any adjustments because of it/is resentful that you are unable to do the things you used to. You used to do a lot of outdoor stuff as a family but as you developed your disability your DH just left you behind and won’t even try to find things you can do with each other, let alone with the kids as well. Is that fair?

If you're doing an activity as a family at home, why doesn't it include you?

Because it has to be something that DH enjoys and it means it will an outdoorsy type of stuff

You clearly have a DH problem.

What happens if yo u say I've booked The Red Lion for 4 pm for Cavery? I've brought cinema tickets for Monday night?

If he says no, I want to take them swimming jn the local lake instead, and you say we'll I want us to do something together and he says tough, I'd be questioning my marriage quite frankly.

So are you wanting your husband to give up the hobby that he shares with them and then to do it alone? That wouldn’t help you see them more anyway. If your husband is an outdoorsy type the odds are the children might be too..

Can you insist that you all have a take away together afterwards or a meal out as a regular Sunday activity? Make it de rigeuer?

Sorry, took me so long to write I’ve x-posted.

Is there not some way you can support their hobby, even if you can’t do it yourself? (Not sure how possible this is without knowing the hobby). I hate football, hate it, but I spend most of my weekend, every weekend, watching it, cheering it, chatting about it, driving to/from it, etc because it’s my DS’s life and I want to support him. Is there not some way you can support or encourage them from the sidelines?

To be honest, I don't think I spent a weekend at home from the ages of 16 to about 19.

That's not because I didn't have anything in common with my mum, but it's because I wanted to be out with friends.

So even if they didn't have the hobby, they may not be around anyway.

You sound like you are taking it very personally, but it sounds like they just love their running/climbing.

I think I'd rather my kids be doing that than some of the stuff I used to get up to at 16.

Yes I agree it’s fully DH problem!

*If you're doing an activity as a family at home, why doesn't it include you?

Because it has to be something that DH enjoys and it means it will an outdoorsy type of stuff.*

Why? They do plenty of stuff that you can't participate in (and therefore can't enjoy) so why can't your DH suck it up and deal with everything not being about his level of enjoyment it for a couple of hours? Or is he just a selfish twat generally?