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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up trying to have a meaningful place in my dcs life

473 replies

Amaretto · 05/01/2020 15:06

So we've had another weekend where DH took the dcs out for their 'hobby' whilst I stayed at home. Nothing else exists apart from that hobby, one that I can't join in due to health reasons.
All weekends, every single weekend, is taken up by that. Events are written down on the calendar and it's just full. The bits that arent (like some saturday mornings) are used to do the food shopping and the like.
I feel like a spare part useful to get some bits and bobs, take them shopping for clothes/shoes and that's about it.

I have tried many times to explain to dh that I want to spend with my own children but it's falling into deaf ears. I've tried to force some 1-1 time with them (like going out for lunch) and I've managed that about twice with each of them in 6 months. There is ALWAYS something more important (like that hobby :(. If its not that, it's going to see PIL etc...). I very much feel I would have more opportunities to see my own dcs if I was seeing them EOW because I coud be in charge of what we do rather than automatically see everything being taken over by DH again.

I feel down and like I never have the opportunity to build up a meaningful relationship with them and never will.

OP posts:
NotYourTypicalNerd · 05/01/2020 15:45

Have you posted about this before?

It does seem selfish that your DH cannot see that you are being left out!

reefedsail · 05/01/2020 15:46

Do you work full time Amaretto?

StoutDrinker2019 · 05/01/2020 15:47

But they are 15 and 16!!! I didn't spend any time at the weekend with my parents at that age unless it was a trip to the pub with my bf in tow or mealtimes! I think it sounds like more of a dh problem with me as you are getting no couple time. I cannot wait til mine are that age and out all the time so I can have some lovely days out (or in!) with my other half. But if you really feel shut out then I would suggest calling a family meeting and being really honest about how you feel. One day you will be needed again, when they have relationships and families of their own so take heart, this stage won't last forever will it.

Useful22 · 05/01/2020 15:47

I think it's too late OP, at that age at weekends if they aren't doing hobbies they would be with friends. Teenagers don't want to hang out with parents generally.

I think you need a new rule. Monday night is for you and the kids. Why cant you do different things, one week cinema, one week dinner out, one week board or card games at home. That's what I would do. Explain to the kids how you're feeling but not in a trying to guilt them way. Just that youd like time with them too and youd like that to be a couple of hours Monday evening. Dh can do dinner, cleaning etc that night so no chores.

thelongdarkteatimeofthesoul · 05/01/2020 15:47

Amaretto are you quite down for other reasons?

It's normal for teens at that age not to need the physical presence of their parents much. The unusual thing in your family is that their dad shares their hobby, but if they were with friends not him you would have any more in common with them than you do.

Your family need you to simply be there - to be you - to know you're there if you need them for advice or support or just to love them. To be someone who has their back or simply someone who would have their back if needed. Just knowing that you're there. That's the role of a parent in this life phase usually.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 05/01/2020 15:47

If it involves lots of running its presumably something like orienteering which is an autumn/winter activity. So is there potential for family time in the summer?

Tbh, by the time our DC were mid teens it was really hard to get them involved in Any family activities. Then they got a bit older and re-engaged. Next w/e I'm going to London with ds1 (aged 23) to see a play and then have dinner. He wouldn't have done that with me when he was 16.

If your DC are engaged in a sport which they enjoy, i would support them.

Ohyesiam · 05/01/2020 15:47

Op, that sounds tough and I feel for you. I’m really not trying to minimise your experience, but I don’t see a lot of my 15 year old, because she’s too busy being a teen.

Original poster
Amaretto · 05/01/2020 15:48

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz, ha yep. That must be me who is boring, has no hobby or interest or has 'failed to introduce them to them'....

Obvioulsy you've missed the but where I said my weekends are busy with my own hobbies.

OP posts:
Grandmi · 05/01/2020 15:49

The average 15/16 year old would definitely choose hobby over parental company, its perfectly normal. Be glad that they are interested in a healthy sport rather than Xbox or wandering the streets. I have a brilliant relationship with my early 20 s children but I cannot remember spending much quality time with them in their mid teens. They were out and about with their friends and probably thought I was embarrassing!!😂

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/01/2020 15:49

Yes - so my question was, when in the past have you tried to involve your dc in these interests? Have they ever tried them?

At the time when they were first doing dh hobby, did you also invite them to join in with yours?

Original poster
Amaretto · 05/01/2020 15:50

I think most people are misisng the point though.

I have no issue with my dcs doing their on thing. I have a massive issue about being EXCLUDED from any family activities.
If the dcs are at home or involved in whatever activituy we do as a family, why is it that it cant include me???

OP posts:
Cohle · 05/01/2020 15:50

I think at their ages not spending a lot of time with their parents is perfectly normal. I understand it's upsetting that your DH is involved and you're not, but I think your resentfulness will only push them away further.

Focus on the time you do have with them - why not make sure Monday dinner is a nice sit down meal where you all catch up and discuss what everyone has going on that week? You'll be building plenty of memories with your kids if they remember you being supportive and interested in their lives, less so if they recall you being bitter and resentful.

OneDay10 · 05/01/2020 15:51

I think yabu. your dh might have introduced them to it but they have taken a love to their hobby and managing this on their own.
They are 15 and 16 and if they weren't into this hobby then most likely they would be busy with their own social life. I think you are throwing a bit of a pity party for yourself.
Why don't you take a block of the weekend and plan things for family time?

steff13 · 05/01/2020 15:52

If the dcs are at home or involved in whatever activituy we do as a family, why is it that it cant include me???

If you're doing an activity as a family at home, why doesn't it include you?

LisaSimpsonsbff · 05/01/2020 15:52

If the dcs are at home or involved in whatever activituy we do as a family, why is it that it cant include me???

But they don't want to do 'a family activity', they want to do a specific hobby that happens to be shared with, and perhaps facilitated by, their dad. It's just not interchangeable with other activities.

Ferretyone · 05/01/2020 15:53

@Amaretto

Sadly I feel that this has more to do with the "relationship" with DH. Every suggestion seems to be knocked down with no compromise.

Would you/he go for counselling to see if you could reach common ground?

Muddyfieldsandprimroses · 05/01/2020 15:53

It is true of most teenagers, that at this age, they are usually doing their own thing anyway.

It seems to me, that the problem is they are all excluding you.

It’s like men cycling... they are off having fun to the detriment of their wives and children.

This time, it’s all of your family.

You need to reconcile yourself somewhat, and meet up with a frined, start something new yourself.

Are you artistic, can you bake ? Thinking, painting, flower arranging, cake decorating, which shouldnt be too exhausting.

Courses, where you’ll meet new people.

I’ve done this, by myself, as I hd no one to go with. No body minds, Nd lots of people go alone.

And as someone else said, get your shopping delivered.

AdelaideK · 05/01/2020 15:53

My DS is 16 and spends loads of time with me. I worry about that even though he has lots of friends and seems happy.

I'm saying we just seem to worry whatever they are doing. They seem like healthy kids who have a love of the outdoors which is a great way to be.

Witchend · 05/01/2020 15:53

It's coming across to me that the problem may be that you want them to give up their hobby to spend time with you.
By this age, I don't think that's a fair expectation.

Think what you could do that fits round the hobby.
Could you go for a breakfast together (while dh does the shopping maybe?) once a month.
On the one evening you're all in, say you'll get a takeaway and eat together.

But there's other things. I'm guessing you're feeling resentful of the hobby. Does that mean they feel they can't talk about it?
If so, they may feel awkward talking to you, when a large part of their time and enthusiasm is unmentionable. Ask them about it, tell them how proud you are when it's gone well, share in the sympathy after a bad day.

And make time for them one on one. Dc1 needs new school trousers. Great. Take him to get them on his own and then stop for a coffee on the way out. Say "thank you, it was nice to sit down and talk".
Dc2 really wants to see something at the cinema. Maybe he's arranged to go with friends. Say you'll take him for a meal beforehand.

Don't make them feel guilty about their hobby. It's part of them. Reject that, and you're rejecting them.

16yos are not known for wanting to sit and talk to parents. Sometimes it feels that all the conversation I get with my 16yo is "do this" "why" … type level.
But they do come out the other side. My 19yo is lovely to talk to, even if her favourite time is about 1am! Grin

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/01/2020 15:53

At the start of the thread you said you weren't able to do their hobby. So what activity at home are they excluding you from?

thelongdarkteatimeofthesoul · 05/01/2020 15:54

Amaretto it's your health that excludes you from the hobby isn't it? I don't really understand the last sentence of your 15:50 post. Do you feel excluded at home too? Are you referring to something other than the outdoor hobby?

Original poster
Amaretto · 05/01/2020 15:54

If you're doing an activity as a family at home, why doesn't it include you?

Because it has to be something that DH enjoys and it means it will an outdoorsy type of stuff. Not the stuff I would be able to do (and yes that includes having lunch somewhere).
Its not just that hobby.

OP posts:
reefedsail · 05/01/2020 15:54

So, are you suggesting that your DH and DC give up the active hobby so you can all do the same thing at the weekend?

Do they compete or just do it for fun? Lord knows why you can't just say what it is.

Mandarinfish · 05/01/2020 15:55

I think they should cancel their Friday night activity so you can have family time then.

VirginiaCreeper · 05/01/2020 15:55

Reading between the lines I feel this is about resentment/envy of your DH.
If they were any other 15/16year olds, who would rather die than do stuff with their parents, would you feel better? Because then you couldn't blame your DH?
Most kids of that age are off doing things with friends, or glued to screens. I think lots of people have asked about family mealtimes, to be honest that's the best way to get teens relaxed and chatting before they go off and do their thing again.

Your DC are growing up, it's a natural stage and they will be gone in 2 or 3 years. Don't spoil these years by resenting the very thing they love. I remember years of trying very hard to feign an interest in their hobbies.