To give up trying to have a meaningful place in my dcs life

[Amaretto]

So we've had another weekend where DH took the dcs out for their 'hobby' whilst I stayed at home. Nothing else exists apart from that hobby, one that I can't join in due to health reasons.
All weekends, every single weekend, is taken up by that. Events are written down on the calendar and it's just full. The bits that arent (like some saturday mornings) are used to do the food shopping and the like.
I feel like a spare part useful to get some bits and bobs, take them shopping for clothes/shoes and that's about it.

I have tried many times to explain to dh that I want to spend with my own children but it's falling into deaf ears. I've tried to force some 1-1 time with them (like going out for lunch) and I've managed that about twice with each of them in 6 months. There is ALWAYS something more important (like that hobby :(. If its not that, it's going to see PIL etc...). I very much feel I would have more opportunities to see my own dcs if I was seeing them EOW because I coud be in charge of what we do rather than automatically see everything being taken over by DH again.

I feel down and like I never have the opportunity to build up a meaningful relationship with them and never will.

@AntimonySalts, this is part of my plan tbh.
My big issue is my health being able to earn enough money not to end up in poverty - for the dcs sake.
I was really down yesterday. Probably a mix of being back home after spending two weeks at my parents. And the fact we’ve all had some bug (D&V and that awful cold that is doing the rounds where I live). The result is that I’ve been out most of the time so I haven’t been able to really enjoy spending time with my parents and the dcs.
And then I got angry. I need to step back a bit. I’m not yet in the right place to leave. But this thread has helped a lot to confirm what I felt was happening (when everyone around me was telling me how great DH is because ‘he takes the dcs to their hobby’).

Its Like I’m doing things the opposite way around, working on strengthening my boundaries, working on my self esteem and my heath before leaving rather than the other way around.

@fluffygreenmonsterhoody, I would love that but I know this série would THE right way to scare my dcs away . They HATE all things linked with biology!!

I really enjoyed the documentaries by Professor Jim Al-Khalili about quantum physics, and the beginning and end of the universe.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Al-Khalili

I'm sorry, @Amaretto. If it were just the hobby thing, I'd think you were bloody lucky to have a DH who bothers, and teenagers who are willing to do anything other than see friends and stare at screens. But it's obviously far more than that.

I remember the first time I let one of DH's moods wash over me. It was truly liberating. I just shrugged internally, and thought: not my problem. Then I got on with doing whatever it was I was doing. Prior to that, I had spent a lifetime asking him what was wrong (while he would pointedly say: "nothing", obviously expecting me to probe further, which I did). It is very wearing. Once I got my mind round just leaving him to it, a whole world opened up to me, even if only in my head.

Have you ever tried saying 'Im sorry you feel that way' to H if he questions money you spend on treating your illness?

Or the same comment after any insane / crass / mind boggling remark of his about his poor Dad, or about your illness?

It's an effective way to tell him that his opinion isn't a fact, and that there is something wrong with his approach.

Do you think that you would have any money at all to spend on your treatment if you didn't work?
I think you should spend money from the joint account on your health. Tell him 'sorry you feel that way' if he objects. Follow that with the suggestion that treating your illness is a matter of importance to the whole family.

What account funds the hobby?

There is no right time for a separation. There is a danger in preparation for The Day that you will always feel more prep must be done. Meanwhile months and years slip away. If I were you, I would simply circle a date in 2020 on the calendar and work toward that, hiring a solicitor and making arrangements like finding a flat.

I'm not sure that 'finding a flat' is the best solution for the OP at the moment, @mathanxiety. She is afraid that she's not spending enough time with her teenagers - and I'd put good money on her living alone in a flat being counter-productive at this stage.

Obviously there are loads of things going on - far more than a post on Mumsnet can say. But given that these teenagers are, for whatever reason, locked into this hobby with their dad, their mum leaving home and moving to a flat is, I think, not the solution.

If she did decide that separation were the best solution (and only she knows if this is the case), a proper division of assets is the only way to do it. Not have the XH living in the family home, while she lives in a flat. The DC would in this situation be the ones who would suffer most, in that they would want to stay in the family home (with Dad, as he's the one who would be there), because it's their home and their familiarity. But they would also feel guilty about their mum being on her own.

I don't know what the solution is, but I don't think this is it.

DH is the issue.

It doesn’t sound as if there is any love left in this marriage.

True, AntimonySalts.

Maybe circle a date on the calendar and on that date make an appointment with a solicitor, and forget the flat.

I have the feeling the H might claim that he is the primary carer for the boys, does most of the housework, spends the majority of the time with the boys (by default since he manages to get them out of the house through coercive tactics/ force of personality) and will point to the hobby and the boys' enjoyment of it in any argument the OP tries to make for EOW contact plus Wednesday visitation for the H.

If she could prove a case of coercive control of the H over both her and the boys (remarks the boys have made to her privately about impossibility of making H listen to them are pointing in that direction) she might be able to be named primary carer. His opposition to spending joint account money on therapies for her illness is important here, and there are several other details the OP has shared about his demeanour that should be documented. There is emotional and psychological abuse going on here.

It might be worth asking a sol about the possibility of getting a guardian ad litem appointed for the boys.

I really recommend the OP contacts Women's Aid to get a referral for herself to counseling. If there is a pastoral care office at the boys' school I recommend she persuades them to approach the staff there to talk. All of this monopolisation of the boys' time must be having an impact on their social lives, and they have hinted that they are being affected by their father's domineering approach.

OP, all I can suggest is that you start taking what you need. If you need time with your family, take it. Buy tickets to a movie for Saturday, and go. Let your DH "cause an atmosphere", it won't kill him. If he pouts, leave him home and take the kids.

I couldn't be happy in a relationship where it was fine to me not to get my way, but not fine for my DH not to get his way. I'd change it. If I needed something medical, I'd use our joint account just like he or the kids would. I'm getting the impression that you feel a responsibility for your DH's feelings that perhaps he doesn't feel towards yours. Correct that imbalance now, by stepping back and allowing him to have feelings that aren't "fixed" for him. Feelings aren't a disease, and he won't die of not wanting to go to a swimming pool and going anyway.

You're worth just as much as he is.

Is it scouts?

You can join in with this even with health problems

I'm sorry you are left out due to your health
But you can't reasonably expect your children to give up their hobby as you can't do it

You poor thing it sounds isolating

One of my friends has ME.
Strangely when she left her controlling arse of a husband and started looking after herself , she is slowly getting better. It can be triggered by mental stress. 3 years on, she has more energy than she has had for years (not 100pct but possibly 50pct better)

You never know- kicking your H into touch may help you more than you imagine.

I think your core problem is the relationship with your husband.

He knows this is an issue for you and is upsetting you but seems to be unwilling to compromise on the time spent on this activity and try and find activities of mutual benefit to you both.

How is your relationship with your husband in general?

Can't you do something on weekday evenings? I often take my kids out for dinner or cinema after school. As for Saturday mornings being spent food shopping - couldn't you do Internet shopping instead and take the kids out for brunch or something? I agree you need more time with them. But having said that - at that age kids don't usually spend much time with their parents! Your husband's actually done well to find a way to spend time with teenage kids! Ask them what they'd like to do with you.

Hi OP, I think the key thing is actually for your dc to have more balance in their lives so they have more time to develop friendships (and relationships - boy/girlfriend?), as well as other hobbies they don't need their father taking them to. A lot of kids this age also gave a part time job which is great for developing life skills. But it sounds like they don't have any time for the above as your dh is taking them the whole weekend to do the hobby.

Talk to your dh first about scaling back the hobby so they've time to spend doing other things but I suspect you'll get nowhere as he sounds very controlling.

So I'd then speak to your dc - ask them if they feel they have enough time for friends, other stuff, homework or just chilling out. They might not actually want to spend this much time on the hobby but feel compelled by their dad to do it, and when he's organising it all then it's easier to just go along with it.

BTW my brother in law was like this with a nephew who was 15,had a hobby (which was his passion) that he shared with his son and involved extensive weekends away etc. The kid loved the hobby but his enthusiasm started to wane as other interests crept in - by year 11 he wanted to hang out with mates and have a girlfriend, sixth form he got a job.

I think your dc may gravitate away from spending so much time with their dad eventually but I think you needed to step in and ask them if it is too much for them now.

They may not spend any more time with you but you'll be facilitating them developing other life skills which is important.

I am not worried about DH asking for full custody etc... the dcs are old enough to let their views know rather than an arrangement being imposed onto them.

And there is no way I am leaving the house where I am living. First because owning a house wouod be more or less impossible if I do (whereas I’m sure DH will get a mortgage). But also in 3 years, both Dcs will be at Uni. At that point, if we need to sell the house, then there will be much less issues.

@DemiGorgon, I agree about the relationship between stress and ME in my case. The issue is whether I can cope with the initial stress of the divorce to then be better or if that stress is going to send me diving downhill.
Not so long ago, there was no way I could have coped with that level of stress. It would have been detrimental to me and the dcs. Now, the balance is starting to go towards being able to cope. I’m still not feeling strong enough yet (but will there ever be a time when I am feeling strong enough?) but I am sure it will come (hence all the efforts i have put into getting better)

I guess things will change with this holy when they go to uni anyway, won't it. Then would it just be your DH doing the hobby. Time changes everything anyway

hobby!

Is it that you need to leave your DH? Is counselling an option?

Have you discussed with your parents?

Hated my parents splitting, it all sounds rather drastic to me. Can you not work through your problems?

3 years is nothing I’d wait I’m sorry but I would. The DCS are often far more effected than they are given credit for and if it fucks up their A Levels the ginger will forever be pointed at you

On the other side, people often comment how seeing their parents getting divorced just after they left for Uni has battered their self esteem and how they suddenly wondered if their happy memories from their childhood was just a facade...

I don’t think there is a right time to get divorced and yes from now on, it will always affect one fo the dcs during an exam year. It’s a crap position but so is being stuck in a relationship that doesn’t bring you anything at all.

I mentioned above that I feel the key issue is your relationship with your husband.

However, I think that's its a big leap to assume that this should end in separation / divorce.

Obviously something has brought ye guys together. Can you explain to him your issues with this and get him to see just how serious you are taking it. Can you guys get counselling?

What is your relationship like the rest of the time? Do ye cook for each other / eat as a family? Go out together? Holidays together? Any love life / affection?

If there is very little of the above is there a possibility that he is having an affair some way linked to the sport?

I think some effort should be made to save the marriage if there is a core relationship there at all.

As a PP pointed, it’s impossible to get what is going on in a few posts in a thread.
Me leaving wouldn’t be about The Hobby. It’s a much wider issue and many many times where he was inconsiderate and has hurt me deeply. Think about death by a thousand cuts.

I hope we are right in our advice to the OP, I have only had intimate knowledge of two different situations, of ladies suffering from ME, and in both cases it was left to their mums to support them. It does seem in this case that the OP, has great fortitude and able to free herself of her bonds. ME seems to be the most misunderstood, and most difficult disability to treat, alongside perhaps severe obesity. The thought that she would put off separation in case it was detrimental to DCs getting to Uni, shows both great courage, and great caring for DCs before her own welfare. It could well be that the freedom of being able to control DCs Homework and sleeping patterns through the week, will be more beneficial to them getting into Uni, than the present situation. Good Luck OP