To give up trying to have a meaningful place in my dcs life

[Amaretto]

So we've had another weekend where DH took the dcs out for their 'hobby' whilst I stayed at home. Nothing else exists apart from that hobby, one that I can't join in due to health reasons.
All weekends, every single weekend, is taken up by that. Events are written down on the calendar and it's just full. The bits that arent (like some saturday mornings) are used to do the food shopping and the like.
I feel like a spare part useful to get some bits and bobs, take them shopping for clothes/shoes and that's about it.

I have tried many times to explain to dh that I want to spend with my own children but it's falling into deaf ears. I've tried to force some 1-1 time with them (like going out for lunch) and I've managed that about twice with each of them in 6 months. There is ALWAYS something more important (like that hobby :(. If its not that, it's going to see PIL etc...). I very much feel I would have more opportunities to see my own dcs if I was seeing them EOW because I coud be in charge of what we do rather than automatically see everything being taken over by DH again.

I feel down and like I never have the opportunity to build up a meaningful relationship with them and never will.

What precisely would you choose to do if you could?

Book it for you and DH. Put it in the diary. DC can sort themselves that day.

I would have thought the DC doing GCSEs this year would need to cut back at the weekend for studying,college open days etc.
Do they have time for friends at all?
I also think this is a DH problem.

@Ninkanink, can I manage my life wo him? I’m getting there..

So the issue is your husband.

What do you want to do about it?

Your problem isn't meaningful time with your dcs. Your problem is your husband. Does he think he is going to be best buddies with his sons forevermore all 3 of them running across the moors for the next 20 years. This is going to end the minute one of them has a girlfriend. He'll be left looking at the wife he has ignored.

I think you and he need to have a serious conversation about your relationship with each other- not about your relationship with your sons.

In the meantime, so f-ing what if he is grumpy going to lunch? let him huff away and just laugh at him or tell him he doesn't need to come.

Because I dint think DH has accepted in any shape or form the consequence of me being ill.

This is the crux of it really. Fell running/climbing etc. can be all consuming (particularly if you live somewhere that means there is also a long drive to the fells each weekend), but it wouldn't be so bad if your DH had made space in their lives for you too.

The teens are just being teens - it's a coincidence that they enjoy DH's hobby, if they didn't then neither of you would see much of them. But your DH is totally unwilling to compromise his hobby to invest time in you. That must be really hurtful.

If you've already tried having a frank conversation with him about that, I'm not sure that anything else will convince him to do otherwise.

Do the dc actually like going out to lunch? What you need to do is find some activity at least 2 of you like so you can do that and the other 2 can do something else. So for example you an dc1 like wat hing marvel movies so you do that dh and dc2 do something else. You and DH like a pub lunch do that dcs do something else. You and dc2 like bingo do that dc1 and dh does something else. Stop finding something for everyone its to difficult

I also agree it's a dh problem. It sounds like he's not particularly willing to support your illness and almost like he's punishing you for being ill. I don't think it's unreasonable to consider if you want to stay with someone who is doing what he can to leave you out.

To try and get 15 and 16 year olds to spend time with family or their mum is an uphill struggle, I have DC this age and it's hard to persuade them.to come out with me I think.it sounds like they are just as obsessive about this hobby as their dad and it will be hard to prise them.away . I'm sorry it's so rubbish for you , I can emphasis. I would suggest talking again to.them to explain how you fill, try and set regular family time, like Sunday afternoon or Friday evening to spend time together, I would also try and spend an equal.amount of time doing something you enjoy, join a book club whatever, just spend time developing your own hobbies and interests ,don't facilitate their hobby by doing shopping, cleaning, washing, etc while they are out, you and DH can do this when they get back , spend the time doing something you want!

I have similar age DC who have busy lives so I don't see a lot of them. I am now "preparing them for university" by teaching them to cook one evening at the weekend - is this something that you could do?

What is it you actually want to achieve? Have a clear idea about what it is, what it looks like and how you can achieve it. To be brutally honest though, and I am definitely not trying to be unkind, trying to force meaningful time with your teenagers may just result in an eyeroll from them and it becoming a bit of a burden. If you are frequently mentioning to everybody about how little meaningful time you spend with your children it really can be a buzzkill. I really don't know any parents of teens who spend that much time with eachother.
You and their hobby are incompatible so the only option is to get them to stop doing their hobby so much and force them to spend the time with you instead. But that really won't go well. You can't create more time in the week and seem to not want to do anything on a Monday or change the day you do the shopping. People have made many suggestions but you don't seem to be open to any of them and it does come across a bit like you are wallowing in self-pity and defeat. Be proactive about it. Tell them, without moaning, 'We haven't gone out for breakfast for ages, let's go this Saturday', or whatever it is you want them to do. To be honest though, it's not unusual for teenagers to indulge their own interests and have little thought for their parents' feelings.

( are we allowed to know what it is?)

RTFT

I've RTFT and there's definitely no mention of what the hobby is @katzenellenbogen

@Amaretto Do you still like your husband? Do you love and admire him and want to stay with him, or are you tired of being treated so badly by him? Have you told him that you do not want to be pushed out by him and that you are lonely?

I think you are preparing yourself, in your mind, for leaving him and making a space for yourself and your children to be together. If that’s the case, I would talk to him now and tell him that you are lonely, sad and tired of being pushed out/overruled/coming last (or not factoring at all in his mind and heart), and that you want to be listened to. A man who loves you will cherish you and listen to you. If he doesn’t, he’s had a chance and you can make plans to start a new life.

@Ohtherewearethen, your post made me laugh if this is what you have taken from this thread. lol.

Fwiw I have never said I have a problem with doing something on a monday. Ive asked what people thought I could do because I actually don't know. Maybe you could provide some ideas?

OP states at 15:15 that it "involves running for hours" so I'd say that's enough information really, to get the idea of it being endurance running...

@Londonmummy66, I like the idea of cooking together! I know dc2 would really like that.

I feel for you OP.

My cousin is a very enthusiastic cyclist, and his two sons are both following in his footsteps ............ his poor wife trails along behind them, and I wonder what she gets from their hobby. She drives them hundred of miles every week, and I honestly don't know how she stays sane.

Every FB post he makes is about bloody bikes............ the thought of the sweaty lycra has to wash ........... no ta.

Yes @DowntownAbby I have RTFT and am none the wiser other than running around outdoors, which why I thought marshalling might be a reasonable suggestion

I was so distracted RTFT looking for WHAT THE HOBBY IS that I can't offer any advice without knowing.

A running, climbing a hill in the countryside hobby?

I hope they are in medieval fancy dress!

@Ninkanink, Ive said all that to DH already. Just a couple of weeks Ive told him how selfish he is and how he only think bout himslef and never about me (with very specific examples).

Whether he cherishes me is a good question ..... :(

DowntownAbby - it's pretty obvious that they are all into outdoor sports. Hill walking, fell running, possibly climbing/mountain biking.

Those aren't sports which offer spectator opportunities for family members who can't participate.

I hope they are in medieval fancy dress!

Oh, maybe it's LARP-ing!

OP, we don't know your kids, so it's hard to suggest what else they might like to do. Do they like video games, is there a game you could all play together? Do they like cooking, or crafts, or photography?

I think the fact that you talked about meaningful relationships with your children and the idea of having them EOW speaks volumes. Your relationship with your DH is no longer meaningful, he doesn’t treat you well, he is selfish and he doesn’t listen.

Being lonely in a marriage is the worst feeling. You deserve better.

Amaretto - I know full well how selfish men who are into outdoor hobbies can be. I know far too many men who prioritise this stuff over spending time with their partner, and it's crap.

I think you need to spend some time thinking about whether this marriage is what you want. The DC won't be at home for much longer, but your DH will be.

A running, climbing a hill in the countryside hobby?

Yes. Fell running is a hobby. Is it really that niche that people don't believe it exists?