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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you date someone who had a coldsore in the past?

438 replies

Onewardsup · 05/01/2020 12:11

YABU - no
YANBU - yes

Not talking an active one and a date right now, just someone that gets them, maybe just one coldsore (so Herpes), a year, 2 years, 5 years ago!

And yes I have another thread to those who have read it. Just wanting a poll, thanks.

OP posts:
Rhea1981 · 05/01/2020 14:06

I believe its the same virus just hsv type 1 or 2. Very similar just much more stigma attached to the genital one. I get coldsores, maybe once a year or could go a couple of years without, very careful not to kiss family, share cups or towels etc when I have one and my partner and children have never caught it. I believe the genital version is very similar in that it lies dormant, my friend had a boyfriend who had genital herpes and they would just use a condom if he had a sore but when he didn't they had unprotected sex and she never caught it. Its really no different to coldsores just the thought I think of a sore on the genitals sounds worse but like the one on the mouth it's not there all the time and not infectious in between.

MelroseHigginbottom · 05/01/2020 14:08

What an odd question.

I have never had a cold sore but that wouldn't stop me from marrying someone who has (come to think of it I don't even know if my DH has had one).

Threebagsfull730 · 05/01/2020 14:08

@dementedpixie should we have herpes parties like people have chicken pox parties? That could be interesting Crown Confused

HaileySherman · 05/01/2020 14:10

I have gotten them occasionally since i was 5 or 6 yo. Very infrequently now, but my brother and mother have also occasionally had them. My first time getting one was after having a dental appointment. My mouth was super stretched and cracked in the corners and that's apparently how i got it. It's unfortunate that some people think it's something that happens through being "dirty" or "diseased". I've been married 20 years and have 2 children and none of them have ever gotten one.

Inherdefence · 05/01/2020 14:12

My Husband gets them occasionally and after marrying him I also get the odd one. Our (now adult) DC didn’t pick them up from us as we avoided kissing them when we had one. I don’t think they are a big deal m

butterpuffed · 05/01/2020 14:12

It is one of the first questions I ask anyone

Hi, have you ever had cold sores Confused

Instagrump · 05/01/2020 14:13

My DH gets them on occasion. We just don't kiss when he has one (partly because they bloody hurt anyway) and we have 3 kids, eldest is a teenager. Neither I nor the kids have cold sores and we are a very, very affectionate, kissy family.

CodenameVillanelle · 05/01/2020 14:18

@Onewardsup
I have herpes type one (the common facial type) on my genitals. I got it from oral sex with my ex husband who has had cold sores since he was a kid, so I'm not resentful, but I can completely understand why you are.
What I do when I start dating is wait until sex is on the cards and casually say 'oh by the way I have the cold sore virus - I haven't had one for years (true) but hypothetically I could pass it on. Have you ever had a cold sore?" Most men say yes they have had a cold sore, so the subject is closed. My current partner hasn't, but he's had a lot of sexual partners so he's probably been exposed and is immune. Obviously if I got an outbreak I wouldn't have sex - I'd say that I have thrush or something. But that's never actually happened (only had outbreaks when single or with the ex who gave it to me)

FacesLookUgly · 05/01/2020 14:23

I'd date someone who had either kind of herpes. I'd just appreciate being told beforehand, as and when there was a chance of me being infected.

To not tell me would send me running for the hills because I think it shows a lack of respect/care.

CrazyToast · 05/01/2020 14:24

Lol are you kidding? 99% of humans carry this virus. Even if you never had a cold sore you might be able to transfer it. It would be crazy to disregard someone based on that.

Mintjulia · 05/01/2020 14:36

Herpes virus of one kind or another is prevalent among the UK population. Very healthy people may not show symptoms but it’s still there. How would you ever know?

Popc0rn · 05/01/2020 14:36

OP, I'm sure you already know, but oral herpes tends to be HSV1, genital herpes tends be HSV2, they are much the same - a cold sore. But if you have genital herpes of the HSV1 strain, there's basically no chance of you passing it onto a partners genitals.

Something like 1 in 4 women has genital herpes, it's so common.

SirChing · 05/01/2020 14:38

@Onewardsup I would date someone who had herpes of any type, but would avoid sex/kissing (depending on where it was) while symptomatic.

I think @CodenameVillanelle handles it completely correctly.

It isn't something you should feel ashamed about at all. If you are discussing it before sex is on the cards, could it be that the person you are dating is ignorant about it and believes it's a much more serious thing than it is, BECAUSE you are discussing it outside of a sexual context?

What I definitely think, though, is that you can use it as an inbuilt twat detector. Only twats would be bothered about it so, while it might hurt, you get rid of them early on.

The person that is right for you won't give a shit Flowers

ZaraW · 05/01/2020 14:39

I used to have them all the time when I was a child. They stopped when I was 13 and never came back. There are some weird people on here.

cookiemonster5 · 05/01/2020 14:41

Why wouldn't you? Why are cold sores a problem or to be ashamed of? Are people really excluding dating people because of this? I didn't know I should be lucky to be married because I have suffered cold sores since nursery.

katewhinesalot · 05/01/2020 14:41

I think there is a difference between the two. Coldsores are far more common and aren't classified as a sexually transmitted disease.

I wouldn't hesitate to date someone with a history of coldsores but I might be a bit more worried about herpes. I may well run out of an old fashioned fear.

Having said that

I think you should date and get to know someone first. You definitely need to tell them about it before any sexual contact but I would wait until you have established a connection before having that conversation and sex. It would be much more palatable if you actually really like someone, got to know them and trust them. It's much harder to walk away. It's also easier to explain about the rape, if you want and feel able to within that same context.
Again I might have an emotional reaction to someone telling me that early on, not because I would judge but because i would question whether I would want a relationship with someone with emotional baggage, whereas once in a relationship and you know the actual person rather than an idealised version of them, you would care about them and want to support them unquestionably. If someone runs at that point then they are not worth having a relationship with anyway.

Wait till you get to know someone well enough to trust them. And wait for sex until then.

CupoTeap · 05/01/2020 14:42

Op glad I rtft, I really felt for you on your other thread.

Elbeagle · 05/01/2020 14:49

I know lots of people who get cold sores on their mouths. All of them find them a minor inconvenience... a bit of cream and they get on with their day.
I know 2 people with genital herpes (close friends). Both said the initial outbreak was absolutely horrific... both felt like they had the flu and were in agony for days. That’s the only reason I differentiate.

Letseatgrandma · 05/01/2020 14:50

Everyone I know who has genital herpes said the initial outbreak was agony. Some find following outbreaks painful, others have said it is not too bad. But either way I wouldn't want to knowingly put myself in a position where I have to go to work feeling uncomfortable in my genitals all day, for days, or go on an evening out feeling uncomfortable. If it was one outbreak and then never again (like chicken pox) I wouldn't mind. But to agree to having burning genitals at random times for the rest of my life, no thank you!!

I agree!

I wouldn’t knowingly have sex with someone with genital herpes.

maddy68 · 05/01/2020 14:50

Yes! Most people do have them or if they don't most carry the herpes virus

Strongmummy · 05/01/2020 14:51

Wtf are you on?!?!

dementedpixie · 05/01/2020 14:51

My poor niece got the oral herpes type on her genitals from one of her first sexual encounters when she was only about 18/19 years old. She was devastated but is learning to live with it and has an understanding boyfriend.

TinselTortoise · 05/01/2020 14:52

I caught cold sores from my mother and have had them since a young child. I maybe get one/two a year when the seasons change. My DH and both my DC have never caught them.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 05/01/2020 14:53

Yep. DH had cold sores regularly, and I grew up with my dad and nan both having them. I never caught them - DH was scrupulous about not infecting me or DS - until just before he died when he had a cold sore and I took the risk and kissed him anyway. I ended up with the virus myself but it's just one of those things. It looks ugly but I rarely have them and it's not dangerous.

CodenameVillanelle · 05/01/2020 14:55

@Elbeagle I know 2 people with genital herpes (close friends). Both said the initial outbreak was absolutely horrific... both felt like they had the flu and were in agony for days. That’s the only reason I differentiate

You differentiate because they are different strains. Someone who gets type one on the genitals will not have the pain and flu symptoms. In fact whenever I've got one it's just an annoying itchy spot - not even as bad as the ones people get on their faces. I don't know whether I'm just fortunate but when I've seen some facial cold sores they look awfully painful but I've never had anything like that.