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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you date someone who had a coldsore in the past?

438 replies

Onewardsup · 05/01/2020 12:11

YABU - no
YANBU - yes

Not talking an active one and a date right now, just someone that gets them, maybe just one coldsore (so Herpes), a year, 2 years, 5 years ago!

And yes I have another thread to those who have read it. Just wanting a poll, thanks.

OP posts:
Grumpos · 05/01/2020 13:30

Would you give your child away if they caught one at school / nursery etc?

I can understand being a bit put off by an active infection (on a first date I mean!) but what else are you going to ask them? Athletes foot? Verucas? Piles?

People are weird

Fr0g · 05/01/2020 13:32

you must have an odd interesting online dating profile

HostaFireAndIce · 05/01/2020 13:33

But no on can verbalise to me why.

You didn't ask us to verbalise why!
I think it's because, as I understand it, you only get coldsores in the place you get them, unless the virus is transferred over. I mean, if you get coldsores on your lips, that's the only place you will have them recur. Ditto the genitals, unless you cross-contaminate.
Most people think the idea of a cold sore on the genitals is much grimmer than one on the lips, partly because it sounds more painful, partly because genitals are more 'icky' in the general psyche. Coupled with that is the idea of genital herpes being an STD, which lip herpes (I know it's not really called that!) doesn't have. There are, after all, many ways of transferring the virus from lip to lip and lots of people who get them have had them since childhood. The same doesn't go for genital herpes.
I'm not saying any of this is necessarily correct, or fair, but I would imagine that's what is behind most the discrepancy between people who would date someone who has coldsores on the mouth and people who would date someone who has them on the genitals.

Grumpos · 05/01/2020 13:34

@Onewardsup

I’m sorry to read your update. Flowers

You are completely right in that most ppl don’t understand the different strains regarding the genitals. As in someone can give you the virus genitally but from their mouth.
So it’s a different strain, although it’s the same location it is in fact different to genital to genital infection.

You’re right - people don’t know this.

Hope you get the support you need to work through your anxiety over this x

Roxingaroundtheworld · 05/01/2020 13:34

I wouldn’t even consider it

busybarbara · 05/01/2020 13:35

What a bonkers question, like asking if you’d date anyone who’s had a cold

QforCucumber · 05/01/2020 13:36

OP they are different types type 1 and type 2. Type 1 can cause genital herpes if contact given when an active outbreak is in place but not otherwise. Type 2 is spread via genital to genital contact and doesn't spread to the lip. Hence type 2 is a known std but type 1 is a common virus. I've had cold sores, when I'm run down and stressed they flare - I'd never do oral with my husband during a flare. Neither of us have ever had any form of genital version.

over50andfab · 05/01/2020 13:36

”Coldsore on the genitals” - must tell, basically a leper.

It’s you that thinks this - it’s called self stigma

But no on can verbalise to me why.

Because genital herpes as in HSV2 is related more to having.... sex. 😮However if you read the posts, for the vast majority this would not be an problem. You are instead concentrating on the few posters who would have an issue with it. There will always be a difference of opinion and personal choice, just see it that those who do have a problem are people you wouldn’t want to date anyway. 🤷‍♀️

Oldraver · 05/01/2020 13:36

My OH regularily gets coldsores, though he is very careful when he has one

Gardai · 05/01/2020 13:36

I think maybe look after yourself OP and don’t be worrying about dating at the minute.

LilQueenie · 05/01/2020 13:37

most people carry the virus and only show the symptom when run down. Basically what you are asking is would you date anyone who has had chickenpox too because that is from the same viral family. I'm guessing you don't eat in cafes or use tester makeup either.

AdobeWanKenobi · 05/01/2020 13:37

Been with DH 28 years and he's always had cold sores. Never had one in any shape or form.

Coughy4u · 05/01/2020 13:38

to everyone
Op's point is that we are silly, ignorant and hypocrites for not seeing cold sores in the same light as genital herpes rather than the misleading title.

CaptainMyCaptain · 05/01/2020 13:39

I've had them since I was a child although extremely rarely now, thank you Zovirax. No one has ever caught one from me as far as I know.

CloudyVanilla · 05/01/2020 13:39

Have any women found that they used to get them as a child but never get them after having the cervical cancer vaccine??

...a little off topic I know

Monkeynuts18 · 05/01/2020 13:46

Well I think I would as how on earth would you know? They’re incredibly common.

The only thing I do feel uncomfortable with is people looking after my kids (eg at nursery) with open cold sores.

TeaChocKitKat · 05/01/2020 13:54

OP, I'm really sorry about what has happened to you. I think you need to talk to your psychiatrist about this and stop fixating on it.
Lots of people get cold sores in their lips. It's nothing to do with their sex lives. I get an average of one a year (usually if I'm stressed or unwell). The first time I ever got one was as an adult during a period of extreme stress but I expect I'd been carrying the virus for a long time before that. Without knowing the nature of your cold sores is it possible that you got your first one as a result of the stress brought on by your attack rather than the rape itself?
Cold sores aren't the end of the world. It just means my partner and I have to be careful with towels, cups and not kiss when I have them. My partner doesn't find me any less attractive because I get them and we still have sex when i have one (I just can't kiss him which is a bit pants but it's only for a few days).
Please look after yourself and stop torturing yourself over this x

Original poster
Onewardsup · 05/01/2020 13:56

Coughy that’s unfair and untrue.

Over50 you are probably right and I do need to focus elsewhere. I guess I’m just lonely and hurting and PP is right, I need to not date and accept it for now.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 05/01/2020 13:57

Dh gets cold sores but I never have and neither have the 2 children. We could be carriers but asymptomatic though

Threebagsfull730 · 05/01/2020 14:00

Everyone I know who has genital herpes said the initial outbreak was agony. Some find following outbreaks painful, others have said it is not too bad. But either way I wouldn't want to knowingly put myself in a position where I have to go to work feeling uncomfortable in my genitals all day, for days, or go on an evening out feeling uncomfortable. If it was one outbreak and then never again (like chicken pox) I wouldn't mind. But to agree to having burning genitals at random times for the rest of my life, no thank you!!

RaininSummer · 05/01/2020 14:02

Of course. They are very common. I would ditch them if they were careless with hygiene when they had an active sore.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 05/01/2020 14:02

Younare ridiculous, the bulk of the nation has had herpes simplex and get cold sores. I have been married 34 years and have 4 children with a man who gets coldsores regularly. No one else in my family has them

dementedpixie · 05/01/2020 14:03

You get shingles with a reactivation of chicken pox though. It never leaves your system either

ginghamtablecloths · 05/01/2020 14:04

Late husband and MIL got them when they were a bit run down. If you're sensible and don't kiss when they're 'active' you should be safe. Touch wood, I never got one.

Honeybee85 · 05/01/2020 14:05

I read that most of the population has the virus (that causes coldsores) in their body and it depends on the person if it causes outbreaks.

My ex had I lived with for 10 years regulary had them just like his mum and I never got one.