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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you date someone who had a coldsore in the past?

438 replies

Onewardsup · 05/01/2020 12:11

YABU - no
YANBU - yes

Not talking an active one and a date right now, just someone that gets them, maybe just one coldsore (so Herpes), a year, 2 years, 5 years ago!

And yes I have another thread to those who have read it. Just wanting a poll, thanks.

OP posts:
Ravenesque · 07/01/2020 01:23

Op, because I didn't read the whole thread I thought you were judging those with cold sores and I'm sorry for being that judgemental cowbag.

Grandma you asked if I would date someone with genital herpes. Yes, I would.

1300cakes · 07/01/2020 01:44

But I think the question was more that with the knowledge that people with oral herpes could give you genital herpes through oral sex (despite not showing active symptoms of a cold sore), if you are effectively wary of dating someone with genital herpes because you ''wouldn't want to get sores there'' why would you be okay to date someone who you know has cold sore and therefore as much chance to give you genital herpes as someone who has genital herpes?

I suppose the difference is, most people have already been exposed to hsv1, often in childhood, whether they themselves get outbreaks or not. A blood test would show they have the antibodies. An example of this is the amount of people on this thread saying they have lived with their DH for 20 years and never caught it from him. It is impossible they have avoided exposure this entire time, obviously they have been exposed and are immune.

Hsv2 is hardly rare but it is less common - far fewer people have been exposed, so a new infection is more likely.

OP, before this happened to you, how did you feel about it? You would have been totally fine to have sex with someone with Hsv2?

And I don't think you should put up and shut up, but the fact that you were attacked is the problem. A skin condition is a small issue compared to that. What about a thread where we can talk about how rapists are shit bags and how unfortunately they often don't get prosecuted.

Coughy4u · 07/01/2020 02:08

I asked her this op replied:
Would I have before knowing what I know? I honestly don’t know what my initial reaction would have been, but I think the same moral compass and questioning mind would have made me look into it and realise what I know now, that the chances are as Ex had them on his lips I already had them from the lots of oral sex so I would have with someone I liked yes. But hindsight is 20:20

Page 14 or 15

1300cakes · 07/01/2020 02:21

That's hsv1 though (I know thats what she asked about in op). I'm asking about hsv2 (the one she has).

Coughy4u · 07/01/2020 02:25

Oh maybe then. I took it as a response on p.13 when i asked

Op would you sleep with someone knowing they have genital herpes when you dont?

1300cakes · 07/01/2020 02:28

Oh ok, I just thought that cause she mentioned her ex who had hsv1.

1300cakes · 07/01/2020 02:42

Look I don't want to be mean to OP who has suffered a trauma. And there is no judgement from me, as I said I have it, not that there would be even if I didn't. But I just don't think it's realistic to hope everyone will suddenly not mind having hsv2. Forget the stigma, it's just a skin condition. But it can be a bloody annoying one. I can see why people would prefer to avoid it if they can. Just like most people would prefer not to have excema if they could choose.

I mean why have the chicken pox and shingles vaccines been developed? They are just usually mild skin conditions caused by the herpes virus. What's the big deal? Well they can be painful so most people understandably prefer to avoid them.

Removethemess · 07/01/2020 02:53

Cold sores are a mysterious virus.

Dh has them sometimes and I’ve never had them, been together 20 years. My best friend at school used to get them a lot too. So I have most certainly been exposed.

A good friend of mine had a terrible episode when she first got them, all over her body and face and then she has never had them since.

I was only concerned about them while my dc were infants as that is a real danger.

Nonymous1 · 07/01/2020 02:57

I contracted herpes after my boyfriend went down on me with a cold sore. That was 5 years ago. It hasn't come back since. Even though it lies dormant in your system, it may never crop up again and it is impossible the pass the virus on without a flare up.
Absolutely no reason to tell anyone about it unless they either ask, or you have a flare up and put them at risk of contracting.

RainbowMum11 · 07/01/2020 03:07

Well I'd be celibate for the rest of my life!
I get recurring cold sores when I am stressed /run down - love life over!

PeytonManning · 07/01/2020 03:10

How is this even a question?! Of course!

DixieFlatline · 07/01/2020 03:36

HSV1/2 are NOT the same virus as chicken pox/shingles, for the couple of people who have said that - they’re caused by varicella zoster (VZV).

blueluce85 · 07/01/2020 04:10

@Agonyauntie2020 I think what OP meant was that she answered questions where they are relevant ones..... I'm thinking what she meant was yours was not relevant... As it isn't really, even if she had changed a part of her story from one to the other... How does that affect what she is asking?

mediumbrownmug · 07/01/2020 04:33

OP, I think the main issue I want to address here is that you aren't dirty and you still deserve love as much as you ever did before. Of course there are people out there who have opinions you won't be able to change, about all kinds of things. There are some who won't date people outside of their "type", or from a certain education level, or who have certain credit scores. That's because, no matter what you do or how "perfect" you are, nobody on planet earth is right for everybody.

Stop worrying about all the people you don't feel good enough for, and just don't date the kind of person who will leave you over things that a) you can't change and b) are so wholly unconnected with your personality, character and suitability as a partner. You're a perfectly deserving individual who just has a simple skin infection, and asking an anonymous online forum a hypothetical question is the surest way of making yourself miserable over nothing.

People like to muse about their arbitrary standards on threads like these, but in real life, love can conquer, while not quite all, certainly a simple case of gh with the right person. Flowers

over50andfab · 07/01/2020 05:40

@DixieFlatline

HSV1/2 are NOT the same virus as chicken pox/shingles, for the couple of people who have said that - they’re caused by varicella zoster (VZV).

The varicella sister virus (HHV-3) is one of the 8 herpes viruses known to infect humans

worldwidechoice.org/herpes-virus/

Letseatgrandma · 07/01/2020 07:09

contracted herpes after my boyfriend went down on me with a cold sore. That was 5 years ago. It hasn't come back since. Even though it lies dormant in your system, it may never crop up again and it is impossible the pass the virus on without a flare up.

That isn’t true though-it IS perfectly possible to pas the virus on without a flare up.

Original poster
Onewardsup · 07/01/2020 07:37

Agony not sure why you are so insistent but I did answer the question on the other thread, referenced Happy as she asked the same question (but in a less abrasive manner!).

1300 Coughy is right, that was my answer as I don’t see the difference which strain it is if it’s in the location of the genitals it’s genital herpes! And you are right, I’m not going to convince everyone, nor would I expect to, Jesus if I’ve learnt anything it’s respecting the absolute freedom to choose! But I can still have the debate?

Medium thank you. I’m not sure I believe there is anyone out there for me with this, it’s going to be difficult to change my mindset.

OP posts:
Lolacat1234 · 07/01/2020 07:38

@mediumbrownmug - this is exactly right, OP if you only read one more post make it that one!x

Original poster
Onewardsup · 07/01/2020 07:39

Having said all that, DS has lost his school trainers and I have a shift to get to, so I guess normality resumes today and I should focus on what I do have, not something in life I cannot change.

OP posts:
mediumbrownmug · 07/01/2020 08:24

OP, nobody is assured of a partner in life.

But a mere cold sore or two, wherever it is on your person, really can't make you any more or less worthy as a partner, mother or human being. Nobody in the known universe is perfect, physically, emotionally, or otherwise, and please rest assured you are not expected to be the sole exception to this rule. It's okay to be exactly the way you are, and there are people out there right now worrying whether someone like you would think they were good enough to be with. Flowers

Localocal · 07/01/2020 08:46

I get cold sores occasionally and I don't think it's an unreasonable question, or you would be unreasonable to try to avoid them. They are very unpleasant. My husband and I were both very relieved to find we both get them from time to time. None of our children do though, and I think most people carry the virus, without necessarily showing symptoms. So avoiding them completely will be hard.

Beau2019 · 07/01/2020 09:42

YABU

Been with my partner 6 years. I started with them about 3 years before I met him. Never once have I passed it to him.

He could well be 'immune' or a carrier that doesn't outbreak whatever you call it. Or it could just be that we are careful when I have them.

Easy. No problems here.

Madein1995 · 07/01/2020 09:58

Obviously!

A cold sore is just a normal thing, like chapped lips, surely? I don't get cold sores regularly (have one now, first time in years) and am treating it with cream. It's hardly lurgy

over50andfab · 07/01/2020 10:18

Letseatgrandma That isn’t true though-it IS perfectly possible to pas the virus on without a flare up.

Yes, but not likely. Read all the posts (and It’s pretty irrelevant whether HSV 1 or 2 as both can be caught in either place from a passing it on POV) . How many have said they’ve passed it on to their partners compared to those who said they or their partners hadn’t got cold sores/blisters? There was one post where someone said their partner didn’t realise they had the HSV2 virus and they got it. Perhaps they had a blister at the time?

At least the OP is aware she has it and actually would be a safer bet than someone who is oblivious and might not check or know how to spot it.

Pritchyx · 07/01/2020 10:56

You realise that having chickenpox is a strain of herpes too, don’t you?

The majority of people - both adults and children - have had or will have chickenpox throughout their lives and therefore have herpes... same as cold sores!

I’ve never had a cold sore, nor have I had chickenpox so I think I’m okay. But I’d never not date someone who has had either or both, as long as they didn’t kiss me when they had a CS then that’s fine...

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