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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you date someone who had a coldsore in the past?

438 replies

Onewardsup · 05/01/2020 12:11

YABU - no
YANBU - yes

Not talking an active one and a date right now, just someone that gets them, maybe just one coldsore (so Herpes), a year, 2 years, 5 years ago!

And yes I have another thread to those who have read it. Just wanting a poll, thanks.

OP posts:
bossyrossy · 06/01/2020 18:03

They are unpleasant but not lethal unless you are a new born baby. Never kiss a baby if you have a cold sore.

niugboo · 06/01/2020 18:04

80% of the population is infected with HSV1. If you wouldn’t you’re ruling out a significant chunk.

moonsmarshmellow · 06/01/2020 18:06

Well considering a lot of people don’t even know they have the virus then how can you choose not to date people with it???

ToftyAC · 06/01/2020 18:07

I get them when run down, stressed and/or ill. My DP has never caught one off me in nearly 8 years so yes of course I would.

Scotland32 · 06/01/2020 18:09

Did I miss a couple of months and today is actually 1st April?!?

Coughy4u · 06/01/2020 18:11

Op would you sleep with someone knowing they have genital herpes when you dont?

Rosejasmine · 06/01/2020 18:12

Yes as most people have the virus. I have had cold sores brought on by being run down since being a child - my parents didn't get them. I've been married for 25 years and my husband has never had one. One of my teenagers gets them occasionally, maybe from me or maybe not...They are only infectious to someone with no immunity when active, like shingles can give someone chicken pox if they've not had it before,,,,

winniestone37 · 06/01/2020 18:13

Er you can carry the herpesvirus and not show with a cold sore. Hence no one should kiss people’s babies. You may very well already have it. Plus I think this is a ridiculous question in the first place.

Sofacat · 06/01/2020 18:13

I get them in /up/ under my nose and wouldn’t consider dating someone with this attitude to them.

katseyes7 · 06/01/2020 18:13

l've had cold sores off and on since l was a child. Usually when l'm run down. So no, it wouldn't put me off.

BreadAndSoup · 06/01/2020 18:14

Bizarre question... I get cold sores all the time - especially when I am stressed or run down. Doesn't mean I have the herps! 😂

Itsjustmee · 06/01/2020 18:15

This sounds absolutely crazy but we lost a litter of puppies a few years ago to the canine version of herpes
This was despite the mum having the injection to prevent this happening
We learnt afterwards that lots puppies that die without a particular known cause is often down to catching canine herpes which they get in the birth canal when being born .
So it’s not just us humans that can be fussy on the dating scene 😂

BigDipperMama · 06/01/2020 18:15

I accidentally pressed YABU because I do think you're YABU, your poll is confusing!

Emma123batmab · 06/01/2020 18:16

He did catch the virus he just didn’t have symptoms.

riceuten · 06/01/2020 18:22

No

I will only date people who have had a comprehensive medical and genetic test to prove they are as disease free as possible. And no kissing, please, this will transmit germs.

Pass the sterilising wipes, please

aspoonfulofyourownmedicine · 06/01/2020 18:26

Yes.... my husband gets them, I've never had one and never has our DC

dementedpixie · 06/01/2020 18:28

OP is asking the question as she already had herpes but is finding it a stigma and it has affected her relationship. To this who get cold sores, it means you do have herpes.

FelicisNox · 06/01/2020 18:31

Genital Herpes and cold sores are the same virus (Herpes Simplex) but usually different strains.

You can catch Genital Herpes from the cold sore virus but it's not common.

I'm sorry you were attacked: I would deal with that first if you haven't already and then make peace with the Herpes because it's not going anywhere.

As many others have said, it's more common than you realise and it's worth keeping it to yourself until you find somebody worth sharing it with.

There are 2 issues here: 1 is that you are sharing this info too quickly, having a moral compass is great but it's still your business and no one else's and sharing this info ASAP can cause alarm to the uneducated (you only have to read some of the comments on this thread to understand that).

  1. you are not dating the right people. It really is that simple. Concentrate on building a relationship with who you think is the right person and when you get that inkling just tell them that when the time is right you will share some personal details with them, nothing scary, just very personal. Anyone sensible will understand and if they don't, they're not for you.

Take your time. Get your peace and equilibrium back and then worry about dating.... you need to like yourself and trust your own judgement and you're not in that place right now.

All the best.Flowers

EmmaC78 · 06/01/2020 18:32

BreadandSoup - it doed mean you "have the herps". A coldsore is caused by the herpes virus. Surely you knew that.

Letseatgrandma · 06/01/2020 18:34

Bizarre question...I get cold sores all the time-especially when I am stressed or run down. Doesn't mean I have the herps! 😂

Have you read the whole post? I think it does mean you have ‘the herps’ actually.

What OP is asking is ‘would you date someone with a cold sore?’ What she really wants to know is...

Why would you date someone with a cold sore but NOT sleep with someone with genital herpes (like the OP).

That would have got the answers OP is seeking, I think.

Squidgoals · 06/01/2020 18:39

The vast majority of people have been exposed to the herpes virus by the time we get to 40, but only a few of us get cold sores - most people's immune systems fight them off. My mother, ex husband and DH all get cold sores but I don't, nor does my dad, sister, her kids or my kids, who have a father and grandmother who do. It ain't no thing

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 06/01/2020 18:40

I think those percentages are from the US - infection rates really aren't that high in the UK (this study is a bit old, but tallies with family and friends rates of infection).

DP has not just coldsores on his lip, but half his face swells, and as a result he's on permanent anti-virals which have dramatically reduced his attacks (along with some dietary restrictions). We've been together 15 years, and just follow precautions with towels/bedding/etc when he's having an attack. He did tell me about it early on in the relationship, but I think like many infectious diseases, if you're aware, and careful, they don't have to be an issue.

sti.bmj.com/content/76/3/183

^The prevalence of antibody to HSV-1 in 10–14 year olds declined from 34% in samples collected in 1986–7 to 24% in samples collected in 1994–5 (p

Iatetoomuchchocolate · 06/01/2020 18:41

I had an outbreak of them as a teen (must have been about 13/14). Never had them since 🤷‍♀️

I assume I carry the heroes virus but no idea where I would have gotten it from.

I’ve never had genital herpes.

Iatetoomuchchocolate · 06/01/2020 18:42

Haha herpes virus even 🤦‍♀️

Coughy4u · 06/01/2020 18:42

What OP is asking is ‘would you date someone with a cold sore?’ What she really wants to know is...

Why would you date someone with a cold sore but NOT sleep with someone with genital herpes (like the OP)

Then op should ask that question, again.

You know KNOW its not the same. Yes it sucks but life goes on. Why would i opt to have it?! Bizarre.