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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to invite her?

243 replies

creamcheeseandlox · 05/01/2020 09:19

I'll try to summerise. Friend A and friend b. Friend A lives across the road and we are close as friends and also our family's. Her son is in my dd's class and we have known them since the kids were in reception. They are 10/11 now. Friend b is also a school mum living in the village. Her DD and my DD are best friends. Me and friend b have become quite close over the past few years because of this and we also socialise with their family etc. Me, friend b and our daughters go on girls day trips sometimes. Last term the kids did WW2 at school and friend b suggested going to Amsterdam to see Anne Frank's house just the 4 of us as a girls weekend away. I love this idea. Her DH drunkenly mentioned this to friend A over Xmas cue me making excuses as too why I hadn't mentioned it to her but she says she would possibly want to come with her ds. Friend B wants to book this trip and we have both discussed it and said that we would like it to be a girls trip and that having friend A there with her son would change the dynamic of it and also make the accomodation more complicated as we all couldn't share a room. Our dd's are really excited about it being a girlie trip away.

One side of me is thinking that I can go away with whomever I choose and I don't have to include friend A but I also feel.bad about it and don't want to seem like we are leaving her out etc and damage our friendship.

If the situation was turned and she said to me that she was going away with her son and a friend that also has a son then I wouldn't expect to come with my daughter as it would disrupt the balance.

I don't think iabu just to want to go away with a friend and her daughter but I can't help feeling bad about it.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 05/01/2020 13:24

crustycrab I don't want to get into an argument with you as it is utterly pointless but "Nobody said anything about being naked. But one poster claimed that of the whole group of 6 the ONLY person this boy can share with is his own mum.

That's utter rubbish."

In the UK at the moment (no idea where you are) it would be utterly unreasonable to expect an adolescent boy to share a room with any unrelated female, be it someone else's mum or some other female child/adult.

It would not be sensible.

Not because this boy would do anything necessarily, but because the chance of anything happening/anyone being embarrassed, (including the boy) or of any false accusation arising, would be possible. Not likely, just possible. No one would be foolish enough to risk it.

I work for an organisation with a safeguarding officer and I volunteer for charities. Trust me, anyone suggesting boys and girls or boys and other people's random mums can share bedrooms overnight is not being sensible.

travellover · 05/01/2020 13:25

I really don't understands the issue of your friend bringing her little boy. They're 10? And they're friends? Your daughter isn't going to be naked infront of anyone because they'll be a bathroom to wash in? I'd be really annoyed if I was being left out purely because I had a son instead of a daughter, especially if he was friends with the little girl Confused

Letseatgrandma · 05/01/2020 13:28

But the OP and friend are planning to book one room with two big beds to share. This changes everything.

Cohle · 05/01/2020 13:28

But he's not an adolescent boy. He's 10/11. Plenty of people would be "foolish" enough to risk a few kids sharing a room on holiday Hmm.

Safeguarding is one thing but some people are hysterics.

brassbrass · 05/01/2020 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Italiangreyhound · 05/01/2020 13:28

creamcheeseandlox it's getting weird on here as people are suggesting what you should think is OK in terms of accommodation for your child.

As the mum you make those decisions and not random internet people.

So I will step back but hope the trip goes well.

Thanks
flowery · 05/01/2020 13:28

”My daughter is 10 and has started developing a chest. She is self conscious and won't even let her younger brother see her naked anymore let alone a 11 year old.non related boy. Am I meant to ignore her feelings and force her to share a room with someone she feels uncomfortable with.”

Of course not. But why would you need to force her to share a room with him? If I were going on a similar trip with DS1 (12yo) or DS2 (10yo) I’d share with him myself. Why would that not be possible? Why would including them involve forcing your daughter to share a room with someone she’s not comfortable with?

crustycrab · 05/01/2020 13:31

Oh ffs Italiangreyhound. I'm not going to tell you anything about my work but you might want to go back and read the manual.

Just because you work somewhere where there is a safeguarding officer (applies to literally millions of people) that doesn't mean you've understood it.

The OP has gone from "girly weekend lunch dynamics" to her daughters developing chest.

Ridiculous drama over nothing. As for primary kids playing with one sex only, not my experience at all, far from it.

You don't want your friend to go OP then own it and say so.

Italiangreyhound · 05/01/2020 13:31

My dd started her periods at 11 and that was not the start of puberty. 11 is the UK average age of puberty in girls.

I am just wondering if people posting about children of 10/11 have children aged 10/11? Anyway good luck OP.

Penelopeschat · 05/01/2020 13:31

I’ll add when we’ve done trips family shares a room. Gives everyone a break from one another as holidays with friends are lovely but everyone can need a break by days end!

ForkThis · 05/01/2020 13:34

People are so odd.

If you were a 10 year old girl going on a weekend away with your best friend, would you want your mums friends son tagging along? I wouldn’t.

crustycrab · 05/01/2020 13:35

Fork he's their friend in their class at school. Not just some random kid

onceandneveragain · 05/01/2020 13:35

I'm going to completely ignore the gender aspect that so many other posters have pointed out and just clarify why I feel that YANBU even if the children were all the same gender.

From B's perspective, she isn't leaving A out because she's got a son. She's leaving A out only as much as she's leaving C, D, E to Z out - i.e. all the other thirty odd parents and their children of either sex who are in the same class. She asked the parent of her child's best friend to come on holiday. There is nothing wrong with that. Why on earth should she be then obligated to invite the friend of said friend just because their kids are in the same school year?

I think A was BU to try and invite herself on a trip that was nothing to do with her. You haven't said that she's tried to invite herself on any of the other trips you've had with friend B and your two daughters, and presumably she doesn't think you're obligated to ask her on any holidays you plan with other friends/family so to think she's entitled to come on this trip solely because her son has studied one small element of it at school is frankly weird!

Forget the different gender aspect, I don't see how anyone can think that a trip away (for the children) with your best friend and their mums, which is naturally going be be a big treat, is the same when you then add a third child neither of them are particularly friendly with.

Even if your child didn't have any issues about changing/sharing a room with a boy (concerns that are perfectly viable), she might still be excited at sharing a room with her best friend and not want to either have to include a third child in everything they do, or feel guilty/be nagged by parents for leaving them out.

I would speak to friend A and say that now the children are getting older, your friendships are naturally going to change. Very soon they will be going to secondary school and its likely your daughter might not spend any time with either her son or friend B's daughter. You might want to explain that you want to still be friends with her (if you do) but that it will probably naturally move to a different friendship than the one you currently have with your whole families interracting. Perhaps suggest doing something just the two of you to see if you do actually have much in common with her or if it is more of a friendship of convenience that is likely to fade out once your children get older.

Italiangreyhound · 05/01/2020 13:36

crustycrab 'go back and read the manual.' Thanks for the advice. As I say I do not want to get into an argument. The OP will decide what is best for her family.

"As for primary kids playing with one sex only, not my experience at all, far from it."

I was not talking about primary aged, I was referring to a comment about children growing out of single sex friendships. My 'experience' is that early primary aged kids may be likely to play with kids of both sexes and also some later teens too (16-19 age/early 20s). But in the end a lot of people seem to end up with most of their closest friends being the same sex as them. So it is not something people necessarily grow out of.

Italiangreyhound · 05/01/2020 13:39

Agree with onceandneveragain the different sex angle is not necessarily the issue here, it's just two best friends and there mums.

crustycrab · 05/01/2020 13:40

It wasn't you who said that Italian, it was frantic.

Not sure why you think I was replying to you. Anyway, don't worry, no danger of an argument. I'm out. This thread is hysterical, much of the UK safeguarding stuff you just posted is misunderstood for the setting in question.

And it's clear op and her friend just don't want this woman to come, why she had to drag her 11 year old daughters chest into it I don't know.

Poorolddaddypig · 05/01/2020 13:43

I find it quite bizarre that a male child would ruin the trip. Then again I don’t really get the whole ‘girlie trip’ thing. I don’t do anything with my female friends that I couldn’t do with males there. It’s ever crazier that the male in question here is a child! Why on earth couldn’t you share a room with a male child? I think you would be very unreasonable and sexist to tell your friend she can’t come and also be sending quite an odd message to your daughter. Also, how would you like it if your daughter was excluded from something because because she is female?

Letseatgrandma · 05/01/2020 13:50

This has nothing whatsoever to do with boys and girls and everything to do with two very good friends wanting to do something together.

If friend B was one of mine, I’d think she was astonishingly cheeky to invite herself on this.

It doesn’t sound like the girls play with the boy at school anyway!

Kanga83 · 05/01/2020 13:56

I'm with you OP. Just tell her it's a girly trip, the girls are sharing a room etc. I take my eldest on a girly trip every year and husband takes my boy on a lads trip. I don't get why it's hard to say no to people.

brassbrass · 05/01/2020 14:01

I would speak to friend A and say that now the children are getting older, your friendships are naturally going to change. Very soon they will be going to secondary school and its likely your daughter might not spend any time with either her son or friend B's daughter. You might want to explain that you want to still be friends with her (if you do) but that it will probably naturally move to a different friendship than the one you currently have with your whole families interracting. Perhaps suggest doing something just the two of you to see if you do actually have much in common with her or if it is more of a friendship of convenience that is likely to fade out once your children get older.

This is the funniest thing I've read today. Please let me know how this conversation ends 🤣🤣🤣

Useful22 · 05/01/2020 14:01

Not rtft but I don't see why you have to invite someone else kn your trip, this is ridiculous. Your daughter is allowed to go in trips with just her best friend surely, and you're obviously closer to B as well. It will change the dynamic for all of you esp kids if b comes along. Not fair on your dd if you promised her a trip with her best mate and suddenly she has to worry about including someone else and cant talk about the same things as a boy is there.

Yarboosucks · 05/01/2020 14:02

I thought your friend invited you - therefore it is her trip not yours. She gets to choose who to invite. You would be rude to extend the invitation. Considering her DH has already done this, then it is for her to resolve now, not you.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 05/01/2020 14:13

I think you’re being a bitch and looking for excuses to do what you want with your “girly” weekend. If I was friend A, I would be very hurt at being left out just because I had a son. I do have a 10 year old boy and he would love this trip-even the “shopping”, heaven forbid, as we don’t go for this gender activity appropriate nonsense. Maybe A would be better off knowing that you’re a shit friend and she can be friends with someone else who cares for her feelings.
I will note that I have probably been friend A in this scenario and only found out through gushing Facebook posts, I was very upset- my friendship within them took a massive dive bomb after that.

FourDecades · 05/01/2020 14:16

I agree with @Yarboosucks . I think it's best to say you're not organising it and for her to speak to Friend B

Letseatgrandma · 05/01/2020 14:27

I think you’re being a bitch and looking for excuses to do what you want with your “girly” weekend

Crap. People can plan whatever weekends they want!

I would say anyone inviting themselves on someone else’s holiday is being way out of line!