Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to invite her?

243 replies

creamcheeseandlox · 05/01/2020 09:19

I'll try to summerise. Friend A and friend b. Friend A lives across the road and we are close as friends and also our family's. Her son is in my dd's class and we have known them since the kids were in reception. They are 10/11 now. Friend b is also a school mum living in the village. Her DD and my DD are best friends. Me and friend b have become quite close over the past few years because of this and we also socialise with their family etc. Me, friend b and our daughters go on girls day trips sometimes. Last term the kids did WW2 at school and friend b suggested going to Amsterdam to see Anne Frank's house just the 4 of us as a girls weekend away. I love this idea. Her DH drunkenly mentioned this to friend A over Xmas cue me making excuses as too why I hadn't mentioned it to her but she says she would possibly want to come with her ds. Friend B wants to book this trip and we have both discussed it and said that we would like it to be a girls trip and that having friend A there with her son would change the dynamic of it and also make the accomodation more complicated as we all couldn't share a room. Our dd's are really excited about it being a girlie trip away.

One side of me is thinking that I can go away with whomever I choose and I don't have to include friend A but I also feel.bad about it and don't want to seem like we are leaving her out etc and damage our friendship.

If the situation was turned and she said to me that she was going away with her son and a friend that also has a son then I wouldn't expect to come with my daughter as it would disrupt the balance.

I don't think iabu just to want to go away with a friend and her daughter but I can't help feeling bad about it.

OP posts:
TechnicalSergeantGarp · 05/01/2020 12:45

My sisters like to plan trips and events with nieces. I only have a male child so he always misses out so I don't go. It all feels a bit toxic and I don't know what their sons think. My niece's are much older.

I go away in groups of 6+ to different European cities every year and stay in apartments together. You could find a bigger air bnB if you wanted your friend and ds to come. You've left her out and need to talk to her (if this isn't a reverse).

What did friend B's husband say?

Letseatgrandma · 05/01/2020 12:45

How difficult is it to get a 3 bedroom air b&b? hmm

Much more expensive than I place with 1 room and two double beds as friends B was planning, I would imagine.

Also, who would go in which of the 3 bedrooms?

Friend B is planning this-will she be pissed off if you completely change the planned trip for the two friends?

I agree with you wholeheartedly, @creamcheeseandlox but I wish you’d come back and explain a bit more about the dynamics between the three adults and the three children. How friendly are you/they all?

Dontdisturbmenow · 05/01/2020 12:47

Something very similar happened to me. I was friend A. Except that I was the one friends with both, and they became friends through me.

I was really upset when I found out they had gone away as a couple of 4 and didn't mention it to me. I did decide that I wouldn't lose the friendship as a result, but ultimately, I didn't feel close to them again and decided they would just be friends as when it suits me. That was 5 years ago and it is working like this. I will do things with one or the other or as a group, but I wouldn't be gutted if I lost their friendship. They showed they were deceitful, so they lost my trust that day.

Italiangreyhound · 05/01/2020 12:47

Let's for a moment think what if friend A also has a girl. Would an additional girl change the dynamic? Yes, IMHO.

Would there be a chance the third girl would be left out? Yes, IMHO.

YANBU wanting to go on the trip that has been planned and not wanting to include another child irrespective of their sex.

greeneyedlulu · 05/01/2020 12:48

If I was your friend that's not invited I'd be pissed off but I wouldn't try to muscle in on a holiday that I wasn't invited to. Why do people do that?

Letseatgrandma · 05/01/2020 12:49

Something very similar happened to me. I was friend A. Except that I was the one friends with both, and they became friends through me.

We don’t know that’s similar at all though, do we?!

katzenellenbogen · 05/01/2020 12:56

I am amazed that so many posters are saying that they would be pissed off if anyone they knew arranged something and didn't invite them.

I am going out with a friend next week. We have a number of friends in common. Should I invite them all in case they feel offended?

Some friends of mine have just gone away to another country for the weekend. Should I have been asking to join them?

NomNomNomNom · 05/01/2020 12:56

Having a one off trip with just two of the mums is fine. The issue is that you've presumably told her that she can't come because it's a "girl's" trip. This will probably make her feel like a) you're lying or making excuses (since she knows it's a history trip and not a girly trip) and b) that in the future she's likely to be excluded again and again because she has a son not a daughter. Really that's all nonsense it's not like you'd need some kind of different building to house an 11 year old boy but more people make it harder to find somewhere to stay and change the dynamics - it's nothing to do with him being a boy.

I would explain the two girls are best friends and wanted to do a trip together on this occasion and it will be difficult and more expensive to make the trip larger. Plan something else with B and her son (theatre trip?) and just don't highlight the boy-girl dynamic. Most teenagers will begin to grow out of that as they reach secondary school anyway.

Original poster
creamcheeseandlox · 05/01/2020 13:04

My DD plays with A's son when we are around there for coffee Meals etc as they have known each other since reception. My DD by her own words says that they don't really play together at school.

A and b are new friends mainly though me as I am the link as such but we all live in the same small village and go to the same school events. We socialise as part of a big group of 4 or five families but I would see a and b and our family's separate but a and b probably wouldn't.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 05/01/2020 13:05

I am going out with a friend next week. We have a number of friends in common. Should I invite them all in case they feel offended?

I think you may have missed the sub text here. No one is saying everyone has to do everything together every time, but the person not invited here knows and wishes to come, thinks it's fine, that she's welcome, and the three families socialise together, so it's very difficult to say no, we don't want you there. It's not about an avalanche of other friends.

It's fine for her to say no we don't want you there, but she needs to own it a said, accept it will likely cause offence, and deal with it like a grown up. Not make daft excuses about the boy.

I've a relatively wide social circle, but two closes female friends, and we socialise as families inc the kids, since a young age, like th ops scenario. If any two of us did what the op and her mate are suggesting, I would absolutely expect it to cause offence. But I wouldn't do it. And if I did, I'd be clear and honest about why and accept the repercussions.

Letseatgrandma · 05/01/2020 13:05

It’s a ‘girls’ trip as in the mums want to take the two best friends out who are girls. It could be called a ‘best friends’ trip but that sounds very twee.

I bet the boy doesn’t even want to go away for the weekend with two eleven year old girls!

crustycrab · 05/01/2020 13:08

Why can't a boy share a room with either of the girls or either of their mothers? Confused

Poor kid, what exactly do you think he's going to do?

Italiangreyhound · 05/01/2020 13:08

'Most teenagers will begin to grow out of that as they reach secondary school anyway.'

Grow out of favouring the same sex in terms of friendship?

Maybe for a while in my late teens I was in a very mixed friendship group but I'm not sure I have seen that in my life in the long run.

I am in my 50s. I have male friends and it's great but most of my close friends are also female. I think the idea teenagers grow out of being mostly in male of female friendship groups is not born out by experience.

It's OK not to be in single sex friendship groups, of course, but I also think that it is not wrong to want to hang out with groups of same sex friends, it's not something people in our culture grow out of, in my experience.

Original poster
creamcheeseandlox · 05/01/2020 13:11

Crusty crab. My daughter is 10 and has started developing a chest. She is self conscious and won't even let her younger brother see her naked anymore let alone a 11 year old.non related boy. Am I meant to ignore her feelings and force her to share a room with someone she feels uncomfortable with.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 05/01/2020 13:12

I think it's bizarre that this is a thing.
Of course you can arrange for a weekend away with your DD and her friend and mother.
I don't believe it warrants an explanation or an apology.

If you like you could suggest another outing with A an son.

The fact is you have been invited with your DD to go away for a weekend.
Absolutely nothing to apologise for.

Italiangreyhound · 05/01/2020 13:13

"Why can't a boy share a room with either of the girls or either of their mothers?

Of course the boy can share a room with his own mum.

but it's basic common sense and safeguarding, and protection for the boy as well as the girls, not to put an adolescent boy in a room with an adolescent girl.

FranticToddlerMum · 05/01/2020 13:13

@Italiangreyhound

In primary kids tend to be friends with only girls or only boys. In secondary they tend to have mixed group of friends and have grown out of the mindset of excluding someone simply because they're a boy or girl.

I'd be unlikely to go to the hairdresser or get my nails done with any of my male friends but if I was going to an art gallery I'd invite anyone from my group of friends who was interested in art not randomly segregate according to sex.

LittleSweet · 05/01/2020 13:15

Friend A obviously thinks you are best friends but you see her as less than that. I think you and friend B are mean girls who have formed a clique. Let's hope Friend B doesn't replace you when your dds have outgrown your friendship.

crustycrab · 05/01/2020 13:15

Nobody said anything about being naked. But one poster claimed that of the whole group of 6 the ONLY person this boy can share with is his own mum.

That's utter rubbish.

LittleSweet · 05/01/2020 13:15

Their friendship.

LittleSweet · 05/01/2020 13:18

But your dd is going to get her chest out in front of her friend and friend B? Won't you all just get washed and dressed in the bathroom?

Italiangreyhound · 05/01/2020 13:18

FranticToddlerMum

"In primary kids tend to be friends with only girls or only boys. In secondary they tend to have mixed group of friends and have grown out of the mindset of excluding someone simply because they're a boy or girl." Is this your experience as an adult and the mum of teenagers or older?

If so, great. but it is not my experience as an adult and mum of a teenager.

"I'd be unlikely to go to the hairdresser or get my nails done with any of my male friends but if I was going to an art gallery I'd invite anyone from my group of friends who was interested in art not randomly segregate according to sex."

As would I, although I don't go to the hair dressers or get my nails done with anyone. I do occasionally go to a spa. I asked my husband if he wanted to do, he didn't.

I've got about 20/25 or so people, who I would call friends including my dh. Of those two are male. I honestly do not think I am unusual in this.

Penelopeschat · 05/01/2020 13:19

I think everything changed when husband mentioned it. You can go away with whoever you want, but the dynamic here towards friend with son feels off.

fairybeagle · 05/01/2020 13:20

What @burritofan said.

Penelopeschat · 05/01/2020 13:21

Your dd should get changed in the bathroom. I’m kind of shocked at your latest comment @creamcheeseandlox.