to think I am a terrible, lazy mother

[WorstMotherEver]

I will start by saying I am 39 and I've realised I have had a long life pleasing myself. Not rich at all, but comfortable and basically my baby is nearly 1 after 15 years infertility

When I was in the thick of the trauma of being 'infertile' I viewed mat leave as a long holiday I was very resentful of.

Boy, it's not a holiday. If it is, it's the worst holiday I have ever had!

I love my son, but I didnt know what hard work actually was.

I've got lazy excuses for everything, but now he is older and more active I really struggle to find things to do and find giving lunch in a public place, getting the high chair, manouvering the buggy past people who wont give any room, dealing with the sippy cup being thrown all over, and thats after getting ready, putting him in the car, driving somewhere ....

I was always encouraged to go for a walk in the early days but when we really thought we wouldnt have kids we bought a house on a hill and I really struggle to get back up it, so I have to really consider how far I can walk (Its 15 mins to a small row of shops) before we go, and all the faff first like coats, just the stres of it all negates how good it feels to actually go out.

I dont know what I hope from this, I am planning to go to a fitness class as I used to be 8 stone, I am now 12 (shocked everyone with my weight gain, I am a bit tall I used to look anorexic now I feel 'fat'') so I need to sort myself out, but in the midst of doing all this for my child.

Worst still, I have a fabulous husband who earns enough I can stay home, does what I ask (looks after him exactly like I would, baby was bottle fed so shared the nght feeds etc)

What's wrong with me? Am I a cunt? I feel like one.

I do think underlying all this is anxiety. I couldnt even take him out to mny garden in the newborn days, my HV said that would be enough but I was convinced I would drop him so basically sat in a rocking chair for 6 months. (I broke my coccyx giving birth to be fair, it was the only comfortanle place to sit.

(I am making dinner, will come back later but would really appreciate some feed back)

PS my friend took her baby SWIMMING on her own. My mind doesnt want to beelive that it's possible.

Have you considered or been assessed for PND?

Go and see your doctor. You may have PND or post natal anxiety. It's really tough being a new mum, but the way you speak about it sounds as though there may be something more serious going on.

Please please go and see someone - you don’t sound like a terrible mother, you sound like a very unhappy one. Please get an assessment for PND.
for you, this will get better.

Thanks for the flowers. I went to the Dr twice, my friend wanted to complain on my behalf.

I was told to get out more, and put my baby who couldnt sit up in a swing with an umbrella over his head to sheild form the sun.

He was born unwell, and I had his first week in hospital.

I ended up not BF just to get out of there, and that haunts me still even though he only had 1 bottle of formula now.

So it is meant to be easier than I am making it?

OMG

I am so crying.

I relaly thought I was shit.

So there might be a medical problem with me?

Firstly, you are not a bad mother and secondly you should stop comparing yourself to others. I know it’s hard.
I’m 39 and really want a baby and feel that if my luck changes after IVF this year I might find the transition from 20 years just me and DH to us and baby will be very very difficult to get used to.

Give yourself time to adapt, plus as the baby gets older things will get easier and this will all seem like a distant memory I’m sure. Good luck!

You’re not shit. You’re not lazy. You’re not selfish.
Is there another GP at your practice?

I was seeing my HV every few weeks beyond the 6/8 week check as after the hospital experience I was looked after, after this.

I told her one day that I felt like my baby must have been hitler in a past life, to get me as a mum.

Can you set small goals? It seems like you're looking at a mountain of things you should be doing and it's so unachievable.

Eg today we will go out the house by this time, or tomorrow we will go to a baby group and build up to things.

It is so so tiring looking after a baby and you have to have a million things in your head. Try packing your baby bag night before, getting everything by the door you need. Build up slowly with the walking - it is tiring pushing the pram.

Do you have any mum friends? Or groups you can go to?

Have you managed to get out to any baby groups at all? I found them really helpful, I made mum friends and could always find someone at the same stage as DC so had lots to talk about, and those women frankly taught me a huge amount about navigating life with DC in general.

You are not shit. You are a good mother, if you weren’t you wouldn’t care or even consider if you are doing things right or not.
As others have suggested you may have PND and anxiety. Keep going to the doctors until they understand how you feel and give you the support and help you need.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself x

Having a baby is boring sometimes, and overwhelming. It's okay to feel like this. I can imagine that after such a long period of trying, you might (reasonably!) have had quite high expectations of motherhood. Go and see your Gp just to get checked over. Mine were all autumn babies and their first years were hard work but by the time I got to their second summers, they were more fun and I felt less overwhelmed.

You're not a shit mother. Sounds like you may have PND. It's a big adjustment especially after infertility. Please go and see another GP x

You poor thing. I think everyone tends to think PND hits from birth but it's really common at this point.

I agree with the others about seeing your doctor, but wonder whether you could do things away from your baby, like seeing a friend on your own, or going for a swim on your own - it might help? Also rope your husband in so that the buggy is packed up ready for getting out, to make things easier for you.

Be kind to yourself - things will get better soon.

the same Dr twice told me to go away basically, and said verbally and clearly she didnt think I had PND just needed to get out more.

That said, I dont want anyone to think we dont go out, we do sometimes twice a day, I just have to have everything (his outfit, mine down to shoes etc) fully ready with a plan for lunch and dinner.

I just feel so stressed everytime we do, its such a relief to get to 4pm and feel like I dont have to worry about 'out' until the next day

I had PND and you sound just like me at that time. See another doctor, a woman if possible. Your hormones can take a very long time to stabilize after pregnancy and will really mess with your head like this. Going on antidepressants was a life saver for me. Do it for your baby if not for yourself.

PND after infertility is very common indeed. Go and see a sympathetic (possibly female) GP and show her this post or a list of your feelings if you can’t express them verbally.

It really doesn’t have to be as hard as this. Yes, parenting a baby is bloody hard work but it should also be joyful.

Get help, get some time out for yourself and talk to people you trust and accept any help going. The darkest days of winter are also dreadful.

I hope you feel better soon.

You don’t sound lazy, you sound overwhelmed.

And tbh with you, we all have our lazy moments. I’m currently chilling out on the sofa whilst DS wrecks the joint. I find getting him in and out of the car a total ballache, he’s too heavy for me to carry him comfortably now (I even struggle with him in a good sling) and the pushchair is a massive faff. I’m constantly internally huffing about having to do things 😂

You’re not shit you’re a fucking legend! 15 years struggling with infertility and then a broken coccyx? Yes you might have pnd or anxiety, you’ve had a tough time.
Either way, you fought to have your baby, you chose a marvellous dad for your baby, you look after him and he’s doubtless healthy and happy. And I don’t know who these fucking people are who take babies swimming on their own.

Try filling this in Edinburgh PND assessment

You don't sound lazy,you sound normal. It is a faff to do anything with a one year old.

Also it doesn't make you a bad mum if you want to go back to work. You don't have to be a SAHM.