to think I am a terrible, lazy mother

[WorstMotherEver]

I will start by saying I am 39 and I've realised I have had a long life pleasing myself. Not rich at all, but comfortable and basically my baby is nearly 1 after 15 years infertility

When I was in the thick of the trauma of being 'infertile' I viewed mat leave as a long holiday I was very resentful of.

Boy, it's not a holiday. If it is, it's the worst holiday I have ever had!

I love my son, but I didnt know what hard work actually was.

I've got lazy excuses for everything, but now he is older and more active I really struggle to find things to do and find giving lunch in a public place, getting the high chair, manouvering the buggy past people who wont give any room, dealing with the sippy cup being thrown all over, and thats after getting ready, putting him in the car, driving somewhere ....

I was always encouraged to go for a walk in the early days but when we really thought we wouldnt have kids we bought a house on a hill and I really struggle to get back up it, so I have to really consider how far I can walk (Its 15 mins to a small row of shops) before we go, and all the faff first like coats, just the stres of it all negates how good it feels to actually go out.

I dont know what I hope from this, I am planning to go to a fitness class as I used to be 8 stone, I am now 12 (shocked everyone with my weight gain, I am a bit tall I used to look anorexic now I feel 'fat'') so I need to sort myself out, but in the midst of doing all this for my child.

Worst still, I have a fabulous husband who earns enough I can stay home, does what I ask (looks after him exactly like I would, baby was bottle fed so shared the nght feeds etc)

What's wrong with me? Am I a cunt? I feel like one.

I do think underlying all this is anxiety. I couldnt even take him out to mny garden in the newborn days, my HV said that would be enough but I was convinced I would drop him so basically sat in a rocking chair for 6 months. (I broke my coccyx giving birth to be fair, it was the only comfortanle place to sit.

(I am making dinner, will come back later but would really appreciate some feed back)

PS my friend took her baby SWIMMING on her own. My mind doesnt want to beelive that it's possible.

I could of wrote this myself 😔

stop missing those bits.you will find new ones your really will.and you will in years time look back at all the little moments even remembering putting him in his chair as little moment you shared together.as the life you were sharing with him.each thing you do with him you are BONDING.even the stressul ones.your in it together.a wonderful team.
you sound to me like you ar doing amazingly.you have faced so much to get here.
what moment do you enjoy?you are in the shit right now and stressed.so lets bring you out of that headpsace if we can and tell us what moments give you pleasure even if they are tiny like seeing how big his little finger is how small his nostrils are!
and when your doing things try breaking them down into tasks exactly as they come.dont think of having to get him ready as one big trauma to get through,to get out,to get to the park to have a 'good' day.your seeing this huge mountain to get over then.see it in the minute details.so your right now getting one shoe on.then the other,then the coat,then your walking.now your at the park.playing.eating.sipppy cup.sleeping.dressing.etc etc.every thing in it 'now'
also take the weight pressure crap way right now.that is a unrealistic ideal to be this bounce back mother needing to lose weight.who says so?where is this something you must do.who made this rule.bollocks to it.
your doing brilliant.you care obviously sooooo much.you can do this.

I felt like you until I went back to work p/t. It absolutely saved my sanity and appreciate the time I did have with Dts. I was never formally diagnosed with PND but looking back I definitely had it.

It sounds like you’ve had it really tough. You’re doing a great job, definitely get back to the doctors and see why they say

I relate to you soo much OP! I was the same age, thought I wouldn't have kids and ended up (after very traumatic birth) with a gorgeous little boy.
He is 20 months now and honestly for the past couple of months things have felt so different. I think it's the fact he a) walks and b) says words so I know what he wants! Even simple things like 'juice' and 'no' really help me because it's some interaction. He understands basic commands too ie. why don't you try that, no don't do that.
I can really see light at the end of the tunnel now, and feel so excited about all the stuff we can do together going forward. I can even... unbelievably... contemplate having another.

@WorstMotherEver

I haven’t logged in/ posted on MN for ages but just spent 20 minutes trying to remember my password to say to you...

I don’t think it’s PND. It sounds like PNA- post natal anxiety (if you search my username I’ve posted lots on this)- it’s poorly understood by lots of GPs, often lumped in with PND and sometimes PPP - but it’s a distinct “thing” of its own. And it’s a bastard.

The thing that made me think it, was that you have to have everything “set out” and a “plan for lunch and dinner” - that’s very typical of PNA.

Please do some googling and PM me if you’d like a chat- if you think this does sound like your experience, and have the means, I can recommend a great therapist who does Skype sessions, and has supported me through 3 years of recovery. If not, you should see a different GP and go armed with the info.

you’re not lazy. You’re doing so well. this will pass- I promise.

Reading your OP I thought similar to AnotherEmma for me maternity leave was hard, and returning to work I went back somewhere I knew what I was doing and even just that felt brilliant. I felt like I lost a lot of my identity after having ds and was just seen as 'ds mum's instead of 'Q' anymore.

Also, agree with the anxiety though -some days I'd go out with ds without lunch or anything planned, would just get a bus into town and if he got hungry wed stop off at m&s cafe or similar and get lunch. His change bag always had a change of clothes, nappies, water and a banana in it. I took him swimming once - the pool we went to was fab, had a high chair in the change room which I strapped him into while I got dry (he ate quavers while I did this) then sorted him out. I do think if you over plan you'll overwhelm yourself. If I forgot a change of clothes well then so be it, if we were in town I could always call into primark and buy him a change.

Are you/have you always been a planner in day to day stuff before ds?

Having a baby IS hard but a lot of it IME is less about the actual work of it and more about the transition from your old life if that makes sense?

I found it much harder to go from 0-1 than 1-2 for example because it wasn't that much of a change. My sister didn't have a baby until she was 40 and found it REALLY hard mostly because she had everything sorted in her life already if that makes sense? I was only just out of Uni when I had ds so was less settled than her but then I struggled because I was the first of my friends to have a baby.

I'm waffling but basically very few people don't struggle and god it is exhausting and overwhelming because all the little things add up to a hUGE thing and also because we want to be the best and second guess ourselves constantly.

Go see a sympathetic GP or health visitor - get dh or someone to come with you. Stop comparing yourself to others - I remember I took both my kids to the zoo alone when my second was a week old - I wasn't doing it because I was superhuman I was doing it because I was running myself into the ground in a ball of stress about not letting anything change for dc1. I totally regret now that I didn't just relax!!! FWIW with dc1 I barely left the sofa for the first few months and after that everything felt a rigmarole and I was OBSESSED with him - was he hot / cold / eating enough / hitting milestones etc etc. In retrospect again I should've relaxed!

It is one of the best kept secrets about parenthood that a lot of it sucks. Small babies are alternately dull and drive you to desperation with crying, fretting and guilt. I can still remember with DC1 (now an adult) thinking "I'll just pop to the supermarket to get something for lunch" and then my heart sinking when I realised that I had to take the baby with me. The supermarket was in the next street, but by the time I had him dressed in warm kit, had changed him (because he ALWAYS did a poo when he had his outside gear on) put him in the buggy (he always cried) and run the gauntlet of people tutting because he was crying throughout, I couldn't bear the idea any more and went hungry instead.

I hated baby clubs and I think we went once. My first mat leave was pure torture - I went from managing multi-million deals where everyone deferred to me, to changing nappies all day long and serving a small, unreasonable tyrant. DS1 had reflux so screamed all the time and did not sleep through the night until he was four. ExH did not get up once with any of the DC so I was permanently knackered.

The fact I went on to have two more DC was a triumph of stupid optimism over reality though both were much easier babies.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that yes having a small baby is often both dull and incredibly demanding, just get through it the best you can. Sleep as much as you can and looks after yourself. `insist on some time for yourself away from the baby to do whatever you want, swim ,spa, bookstore, whatever.

But rest assured, you are far from the only one who finds the baby days hard and it does get better as they get older.

When I was in the thick of the trauma of being 'infertile' I viewed mat leave as a long holiday I was very resentful of.

Unrealistic expectations are at heart of many a disappointment. I hope you can make peace with your situation.

I'd second the PP who said if you can afford it, arrange some private counselling. You are anxious, you had a traumatic birth. You could have PND or PTSD. You're neither lazy or terrible. You need some support. Be kind to yourself.

PLEASE go to another GP. That female GP you referred to is shite.

Also OP, it's a very 'low energy' time of year isn't it.

I don't have children by choice, and am struggling with low mood and low energy at the moment due to the dark days and lack of light. I am fighting against the desire to hibernate!

This is entirely natural, and I cannot imagine having to cope with all the massive faffing involved in simply getting out of the door with all the equipment and a small child in tow. Let alone coping with cafes etc.

Kudos. Don't be so hard on yourself. And yes, maybe look at going back to work, if not for the money, then at least a stimulating adult environment.

Child in nursery, cleaner at home, you may feel a lot more happy and engaged.

Just because he was a long wanted baby, doesn't mean you should sacrifice yourself. I am sure your time with your son will be all the richer if you do things that make you feel less guilty and more fulfilled.

Lots of good comments above about PND. But also Maternity leave can feel a bit shit. It's boring being stuck at home, baby classes are for babies, not mums, you can feel lonely a lot of the time and you become the skivvy of the house, cooking cleaning washing etc. It can be very dull. Maybe go back to work part time? Have a bit of time for you? And your child will have a great time playing with other little ones at nursery/ childminder. Good luck whatever you do

I had my kids a bit later on in life after enjoying a career. The life change from swanning into an office each day to sleepless nights, lack of intelligent chat, looking a bit overweight did hit me hard. I do think that it’s harder to deal with the later you leave it. I felt at the time that this would be forever, but please take heart - it is tough and it doesn’t last forever! Actually it flies by at a terrifying rate so try and immerse yourself and enjoy it for the wonderful experience that it is. Mine are now grown up and hardly need me! 😩

It sounds like you need to talk to a doctor. Please don't despair- I have a 9mo DS- it is so, so hard.

How does he sleep? I started to feel better after we got a sleep consultant - when I was exhausted I found it all impossible and as though I was going insane.

Please keep going out with your baby each day- it does help.

It's not surprising after years of having time to yourself and infertility that things now feel so different - you're probably in shock. I mourned my old life for a long time.

Also, I recommend baby swimming - its lots of fun and they love it. It's hard getting them ready etc alone, but it's not that bad, just take a bottle and a purée pouch with you for the baby afterwards.

Please do see a doctor though - sounds like it would help.

You’ve been through the upheaval of this infertility stuff, broke your coccyx giving birth, had a poorly baby, no wonder you’re feeling rubbish, you’ve been through the mill and it’s really difficult to take care of yourself when you’ve got a baby demanding of you too.

OP this is the time when you can absolutely fuck up being a perfect parent , this it the time when being just good enough is perfectly acceptable. They won't remember a thing about this stage, keep feeding him, keep him fairly clean and warm and dry, give him a scrunched up ball of tin foil to play with or your keys or a remote and he will be happy as Larry.
See a GP about you though, it really doesn't have to be this hard and there is no badge for being miserable, so might as well be happy

Hi OP

Definitely talk to your doctor again. Or a different doctor, they sound a bit shit. It's hard for people on the internet to diagnose you or know if this differs to your normal reactions to stressful events.

But from another perspective, I found the early months hard. I am quite introverted and like routine (I feel a bit stupid as I have only really realised the routine bit but now loads of things make sense). So I found the unpredictability of young babies hard. Where were they going to fall asleep / when were they going to poo or get hungry etc, having to plan for all eventualities did my head in. I found it impossible to go out for walks in the very early days (the baby always needed fed or then couldn't lie flat because they would puke or they would be in the middle of a nap etc) and then by the time she was old enough it was freezing and it was such a faff with all the layers, but layers arent allowed in the car etc.

But we spent a lot of time just chilling at home and I think it was fun, we read a lot of books, my family came to visit a lot, I dont think it did the baby any harm.

I would never have dreamed of going out for lunch with my baby, the prep, the clear up afterwards etc...didnt strike me as fun for anyone (I went out with her with my husband though and that worked ok).

Some peoples lives seem to carry on as before when they have a baby and others just find it too much of a faff, I think a lot of it depends on the baby as well and what they like.

I now have a 2 year old and a 4.5 year old and I go out for lunch with the eldest, take her to the cinema, shopping, outings to farms, swimming, cycling, trampolining etc. Not doing those things in the first couple of years doesnt seem to have harmed her. I still wouldnt go out for lunch with the 2 year old alone though!

I just mean that a lot of activities and things people do for young children are for the adults and dont benefit the children much, I dont think many babies give that much of a shit about what they're doing or where they are given their attention span is about 5 minutes, so if you're not enjoying it either then what's the point.

Also, I didn't realise it at the time, but I didnt feel back to my normal self until I went back to work, it was only after a few weeks back in a job I had realised there had been a bit of me missing before so that might help.

You're definitely not a shit mum though, you wouldn't care if you were

OP, so sorry, just realised I posted on a wrong thread! I was reading a thread about the mother who visited her daughter when she had a cold. Meant to respond to that thread instead. Hadn’t even read your thread so not sure how I ended up responding to it.

I hope you get the help you need.

You do sound depressed.

I remember feeling like you. Still do, some days, and my children are 8 and 4. The endless drudgery, the faff of getting coats and shoes on, the nagging, buckling and unbuckling into the car... the sheer mental and physical load of it all (even if it doesn’t seem like much) is exhausting and feels like too much fucking hassle some days.

The thing about depression is it robs you of your resilience and your ability to cope with, well, anything really.

I’d built motherhood up to be an amazing, ethereal experience through my years of infertility.

Reality was a massive shock.

Oh Op, everything you wrote sounded so familiar from my worst days. But your everyday shouldn’t be this bad so yes, get to your GP. Well done on getting out at all. Keep it up and do go to the mum and baby groups. Just finding one or two other mums who ‘got it’ and I could talk to about how I was really doing helped so much.

I have felt/do feel the same OP and as above you are definitely not alone

I went to my gp at about 8mo on and luckily had a good experience. She said a lot of what I was feeling was normal and that I needed to work on finding me again.

I'm back to work now and feel a lot better.

Hope you get the support you need.

P.S. I haven't taken my.DS swimming either and he's 13mo.

I have a number of friends who have had parents after periods of infertility and not a single one of them has sailed through the early years of childhood totally unscathed. It’s really hard having a baby and add onto that the years of desperately wanting something and the reality of it will nearly always be harder than you were expecting.

It does get easier. My recommendations would be to find some really nice friends who you can compare notes with in a very non judgmental way, and also to get some medical help if you’re suffering from pnd or anxiety.

Plus it’s miles easier going swimming with a friend as they can watch the babies while you get changed and you get to have a chat and a coffee afterwards and outings become much more fun. They need to be the right friends though, easy going, fun and happy to say that they’re finding things tough too.