to think I am a terrible, lazy mother

[WorstMotherEver]

I will start by saying I am 39 and I've realised I have had a long life pleasing myself. Not rich at all, but comfortable and basically my baby is nearly 1 after 15 years infertility

When I was in the thick of the trauma of being 'infertile' I viewed mat leave as a long holiday I was very resentful of.

Boy, it's not a holiday. If it is, it's the worst holiday I have ever had!

I love my son, but I didnt know what hard work actually was.

I've got lazy excuses for everything, but now he is older and more active I really struggle to find things to do and find giving lunch in a public place, getting the high chair, manouvering the buggy past people who wont give any room, dealing with the sippy cup being thrown all over, and thats after getting ready, putting him in the car, driving somewhere ....

I was always encouraged to go for a walk in the early days but when we really thought we wouldnt have kids we bought a house on a hill and I really struggle to get back up it, so I have to really consider how far I can walk (Its 15 mins to a small row of shops) before we go, and all the faff first like coats, just the stres of it all negates how good it feels to actually go out.

I dont know what I hope from this, I am planning to go to a fitness class as I used to be 8 stone, I am now 12 (shocked everyone with my weight gain, I am a bit tall I used to look anorexic now I feel 'fat'') so I need to sort myself out, but in the midst of doing all this for my child.

Worst still, I have a fabulous husband who earns enough I can stay home, does what I ask (looks after him exactly like I would, baby was bottle fed so shared the nght feeds etc)

What's wrong with me? Am I a cunt? I feel like one.

I do think underlying all this is anxiety. I couldnt even take him out to mny garden in the newborn days, my HV said that would be enough but I was convinced I would drop him so basically sat in a rocking chair for 6 months. (I broke my coccyx giving birth to be fair, it was the only comfortanle place to sit.

(I am making dinner, will come back later but would really appreciate some feed back)

PS my friend took her baby SWIMMING on her own. My mind doesnt want to beelive that it's possible.

You really do require some professional help for these problems, as you are missing out on what should be a lovely time with your child every day.

So glad you are feeling better OP! Really great you have such a good friend.

Love him and hug him and stop slagging yourself off. Some people find the baby phase a terrible faff. It is. Some people dread the teenage years. Parenting is hard. Love him and try to stop being so hard on yourself. If he is loved he will be just fine xxxxx

Whether you’ve got PND or not, I find all that stuff really hard too. It does get easier as they get older but the faff is always there. You don’t have to be a sahm, even if you can afford it. Going back to work might help you get some perspective. I thought I would hate leaving my kids but work keeps me sane. I’m just not cut out for 24/7 childcare, and that‘s ok. My children are well cared for and I am so much of a better mother for having work time away from them.

Youre not lazy or terrible. You sound overwhelmed & depressed. No wonder,It's a huge life change. See a diff Dr. Set smaller goals,you don't have to do long trips where you 'cant wait for 4pm', Even a half hour just to get fresh air makes going out more normal & less of an 'ordeal'. If you keep an 'outings' bag by the door with changing stuff,spare outfit for poo explosions,drink etc it won't seem such a colossal effort. Get regular me time just to regroup. ,as you say DH is good with the baby ,that down time while he's in charge will help massively.

I'm SO pleased you're feeling better - that's great news! Thank you for the update too. Remember that what you're doing is hard, and even harder in lockdown/pandemic circumstances. You sound like you're knocking it out the park.

Hi OP,

It was lovely to read your update and I'm so glad you went to the GP and things are so much better now. I remember reading your original post back in January.
It's so good to hear how you are doing now and inspiring for anyone else who is going through something similar.

Please everyone read OP's update on page 6, some of you are responding to the original post back in January and the OP is doing much better now

This sounds familiar; I had PND after my second along with anemia and I just felt like even the smallest thing was TOO MUCH EFFORT! I'd start thinking of all the things I would have to do in order to leave the house and then get overwhelmed because it seemed insurmountable.

I do think you need to get a medical check up OP.

What actually helped me (other than antidepressants and iron pills) was to lower my standards as to what I really needed to do in order to leave the house - not caring if I looked put together, or if I was looked as if I was 'coping' etc, just going! Also what was a massive help was having my partner basically force me to socialise when i didn't feel like it. e.g. he booked camping trips, boat rides and organised family days out at the park for us etc. Even though I thought I didn't feel like I could do any of these things initially, once I was out and about I felt much, much, better. It also just felt less complicated and overwhelming to prepare to leave the house with someone else taking charge and breaking it all down into steps.

I''m not trying to make this about me btw, I just thought that maybe some of the things that helped me might help you?

Oh sorry, I only read the first few posts, I didn't realise you were feeling better. I'm really bad at mumsnet.

Congrats!

Well aren't you brave and brilliant! I'm so happy for you. Reading the thread was so sad (and angrymaking - that GP was a knob!). Fwiw I found first 6 months like being run over by a lorry and I didn't really enjoy and adore my son until he was 1. Like you say, something about feeling like he was mine, and having left the trauma tunnel. So generous of you to have sent the update, hope you've had a nice summery time with your toddler!

I would have a shower as soon as you wake up and get changed. Take the baby into the garden in the push chair and sit down, drink some coffee. The fresh air will make the baby nap more and you'll get more time to yourself. When you feel more able to, just take the baby up and down the street in the pushchair/sling. You suffered injuries from giving birth, be kind to yourself, and make everything as easy as possible. You're doing great.

Sorry only just read your update. That's wonderful I'm so glad you're feeling better now.

Yay glad you are feeling better now.

Sometimes posters can be very unkind but they can also be supportive and helpful and get you the answer you need. It’s takes a brave person to seek help on here but look.. you have so many well wishers it’s been worth it. Go girl x

Very happy to read this update OP. I’m so glad things got better for you!

I've had days like this. It must be so much worse when it's something you've been wanting for so long.

Do you have friends you can see out and about? Covid isn't helping. One piece of advice is in the morning, get up and get out. Even for a few minutes! Anything.
Have just one little thing you do every day you can feel accomplished with. It will pass.

But speak to a professional first as it sounds like you're really suffering.

oops old post but so happy for you op!

I remember you, OP. I'm so pleased for you. I missed my anxiety for years because I wasn't looking for it/wouldn't have tolerated the idea of it in myself? That sounds dreadful, but having the diagnosis has helped me immensely. I think a lot of people just wouldn't know how to recognise it.

Anyway, I'm so very very happy that you got help. I hope things are lovely for you now and in the future.

There may well be PND at play here but I also think you need to go easy on yourself - you’ve had 39 years of the (relatively) hassle-free lifestyle that no kids brings you, living ‘selfishly’, and now you’re in a situation which demands you always, always put another’s needs first, go to the park/cafe/play centre when it’s frankly the last thing you want to do and aside from some joy, can be largely tedious, time-consuming and stressful.

I think some women lend themselves to the altruism and slog of motherhood more willingly and enthusiastically and less bitterly than others - neither types of women are better, just different. Men are usually permitted to live ‘selfishly’ to some degree but women are held to higher standards of giving, of denying the self for the good of the family (although your husband sounds very balanced) and we judge ourselves for not meeting these normative ideals of womanhood in a way men typically don’t around parenthood.

I think you should read A Woman Born by Adrienne Rich - I recently read it and it’s quite reassuring about the burden and expectations placed on women’s roles in our society.

You need to see your gp, ask for a different one if you can ( possibly a female gp).
I had PND with my first, it took a while to figure it out as it can manifest in many ways. I was terrified of him getting ill, everyone used to comment on how nice I had him. Until a support worker in our local children's centre said you don't have to change him all the time.
Your not lazy or a bad mum, you just need to find your fit as you with a baby.