to think I am a terrible, lazy mother

[WorstMotherEver]

I will start by saying I am 39 and I've realised I have had a long life pleasing myself. Not rich at all, but comfortable and basically my baby is nearly 1 after 15 years infertility

When I was in the thick of the trauma of being 'infertile' I viewed mat leave as a long holiday I was very resentful of.

Boy, it's not a holiday. If it is, it's the worst holiday I have ever had!

I love my son, but I didnt know what hard work actually was.

I've got lazy excuses for everything, but now he is older and more active I really struggle to find things to do and find giving lunch in a public place, getting the high chair, manouvering the buggy past people who wont give any room, dealing with the sippy cup being thrown all over, and thats after getting ready, putting him in the car, driving somewhere ....

I was always encouraged to go for a walk in the early days but when we really thought we wouldnt have kids we bought a house on a hill and I really struggle to get back up it, so I have to really consider how far I can walk (Its 15 mins to a small row of shops) before we go, and all the faff first like coats, just the stres of it all negates how good it feels to actually go out.

I dont know what I hope from this, I am planning to go to a fitness class as I used to be 8 stone, I am now 12 (shocked everyone with my weight gain, I am a bit tall I used to look anorexic now I feel 'fat'') so I need to sort myself out, but in the midst of doing all this for my child.

Worst still, I have a fabulous husband who earns enough I can stay home, does what I ask (looks after him exactly like I would, baby was bottle fed so shared the nght feeds etc)

What's wrong with me? Am I a cunt? I feel like one.

I do think underlying all this is anxiety. I couldnt even take him out to mny garden in the newborn days, my HV said that would be enough but I was convinced I would drop him so basically sat in a rocking chair for 6 months. (I broke my coccyx giving birth to be fair, it was the only comfortanle place to sit.

(I am making dinner, will come back later but would really appreciate some feed back)

PS my friend took her baby SWIMMING on her own. My mind doesnt want to beelive that it's possible.

PND is even more likely after IVF, as the expectations don't match reality. That can be a real downer. Surprised no one has picked it up already. Have you not has assessments with health visitor?

Try and start seeing your baby as your little pal. You and him out for lunch. You and him having a swim. You and him going to the cinema.

That really helped me, thinking of them more as a companion than a millstone..!

I just wanted to extend empathy on part of this specifically - exhaustion with the 'faff'. I find myself mentally and physically completely drained by all the logistics of everything.. lifting my ( wonderful but very big and heavy - although healthy) son in and out of cars, putting prams up etc etc. My body feels constantly achy and I never feel rested! I also feel I never really recovered from a hard traumatic birth. For me, getting back to work part time has helped get a semblance of order and normality back to life which has helped xxx

I am a single mum. I’ve struggled a lot. But I’m also really sympathetic to you and I would love to babysit for you and help you out. It does sound like maybe anxiety. It will get better honestly! I’ve got 6. 5 of them are at home.

Also just to echo what an earlier poster said - get your thyroid checked! I recently found out I have hypothyroid and am optimistic that now I'm getting treated it will help with the fatigue and some of the struggles

Try and start seeing your baby as your little pal. You and him out for lunch. You and him having a swim. You and him going to the cinema

I have tried to do this, and more resently its working. Such a cute idea

Once you get your health back on track, I’d urge you to try and join some baby groups and find some mum friends who are at the same parenting stage as you, in terms of baby age?

I had 4 wonderful mum friends from the NCT classes when I had my DS and we were brilliant at supporting each other when one of us needed a bit of help.

I remember R took DS out for the day together with her 6 month old when I had a stonking migraine. I was projectile vomiting and I just wanted to lie down in a dark room so she was a bloody life saver, as far as I was concerned.

You sound a bit traumatised tbh. Having a baby in hospital is very upsetting and I assume IVF and all that uncertainty etc is it's own trauma and you broke your coccyx in Labour? Yeowch!

I sometimes felt like I couldn't face going out and yes, all the getting ready is a drag when you have to do it for a whole other person as well. Certainly when my middle child was born I was not particularly well mentally (he'd been hospitalised at 10 days old with bronchilitis). A few counselling sessions put me back on the right track and helped me to talk about the things that I was anxious about.

Can you afford private counselling? I think if you find a good psychodynamic counsellor and say you're feeling anxious following the birth of your first child, then there's a good chance that will help you feel a bit more positive.

You could make a fuss and demand help on the NHS, but it might not be that good and it could take ages to get underway.

PND is even more likely after IVF

I didnt have IVF, I managed naturally after giving up.

I found out I was PG at 12 weeks after feeling sick for weeks.

Then I didnt stop feeling sick until 29 weeks, I was looking aty how much abortions cost at 23 weeks I felt so terrible.

When he arrives we had no skin ot skin and because of my Coccyx going up to the ward to see him was so painful, because I didnt connect til we got got home I just let the nurses change his nappy, then when I felt better realised it was my job and felt terrible I just left him in the cot

Covered in wires he didnt look like a real baby and when I got home I finally relaised he was real and mine and held him for all naps for months.

I miss that now! It seems the easy bit

You've had it really tough, OP. You're doing amazingly.

Would going back to work help? You sound very focused on parenting and whether or not you are getting that right.

Maybe going back to work would give you structure, put you back in contact with adults and give you a focus outside of motherhood.

Being a SAHM doesn't suit everyone- I would have disappeared into a deep, dark hole.

Hi op

I also find it an ordeal to get out and get everything ready sometimes it takes me two hours, 18 month old. I also suffered five years of infertility now 37 it is such a shock to the system isn't it.

I have gone back to work pt which really helps and try to get out every day not working for fresh air I always feel better after iv done something even if it's just a walk to the shop.

I also got a cleaner so that I didn't have to worry about housework because it's impossible to do with my toddler.

PS I go swimming about once every six weeks it's hard work and a nightmare but I just make myself go.

OP you sound like you've had a very tough time, but also like someone who has actually done all the right things and is actually really capable. Moreover, you're baby thinks you're the best thing ever.

I believe fresh air and a bit of excercise make you feel a bit better inside, but it doesn't matter what you do, just do what makes you feel happy. We've all done what we can just to get through, and tomorrow is a new day.

Motherhood is really hard and you learn along the way, but as others have said maybe seek some further help to give you the boost you need.

Above all, be kind to yourself, the fact you're so concerned already makes you a great mum.

Could you self - refer to your local wellbeing service?
Our local service provides cbt based therapy either online, by telephone or face to face, depending on assessed need. No gp referral required.
Then initially you could bypass the gp and only return if you feel you need further support.
hope you can get some better support.

You are not a lazy terrible mother and you are most definitely not a "cunt"!

It's clear to me that you have PND. Please go a see a different GP and get a second opinion. You would probably benefit from counselling and possibly antidepressants too.

Also - this may be controversial as I'm opening the debate about SAHM v WOHM - but I suggest that you seriously consider going back to work. Perhaps part time if you can. You say that your husband earns enough for you to be a SAHM but work isn't just about the money. Personally I did not enjoy maternity leave and was much happier after going back to work (part time) as it gave me a purpose other than motherhood, adult company and conversation, a sense of accomplishment, and the ability to have toilet breaks and a lunch break in peace. I actually enjoyed looking after my son more when I didn't have to do it 24/7, I started to really appreciate my days with him.

As I said, everyone is different and some people love being a SAHM, but I didn't and you might be the same.

I have wondered about going back to work actually.

you are most definitely not a "cunt"!

Yes i did think that word was a bit naughty!

I was a much better mother for having a job.

Are you always such an idiot ,Thankful?

Oh do bugger off @Thankful2020.

OP, I get you. I definitely think it's worth going back to a (helpful) GP. One other option if money isn't too much of a concern is to go private - a good psychiatrist might be really helpful and/or counselling just to give you some time to yourself and someone to unload on. I definitely second the advice about thinking of your baby as your little pal - that's what I actually call DS. We have 'dates' (which is a bit ick but I hope you know what I mean). They don't have to be big - we watch certain TV programmes together for example. NB DS is 4 months so it's totally for my benefit!.

The other thing I'd say is make life as easy for yourself as possible. I avoided going out sometimes because I couldn't face trying to get a coat on DS. So I bought one of the tuppence and crumble fleece star wrap things and it's so much easier.

Most importantly though, you're not a shit mum. Your baby is incredibly lucky to have such a great mum as you

Lol I'm not tutting about the word as such (although I do hate it) just at such negative self-talk, which is a very clear indicator of depression (IME)

I agree with a PP about self-referring to your local NHS Psychological Wellbeing Service (try googling IAPT in your area).

Oh man. I could of written this post!

It’s only now 10 years later that I realised (after seeing a therapist for birth trauma) that I suffered from massive PND.

My child spent 3 months in neo natal. I spent a year after their birth in hospital. I and my child were so poorly. They are doing a study in Israel about oxytocin and PND. It’s very interesting.

You’re not a bad person. You’re not a bad mother. I also believe those who have fought so hard to have a child can find it so far away from their dreams of what it was meant to be like. They build it up so much for many years in their mind the happy families and life just isn’t like that

Please pm me if you ever want to talk. But please don’t for one minute think your a c**t. You’re a human. You’re a mother.

Being a mother is fucking hard work.

Please get some help. Maternity leave can be wonderful. Everyone I know who had PND says they later felt sad that they had "missed out" on the happy holiday feeling of the first few months.

Also. Remember the shit parent. Wouldn’t care they were shit.

The parent who isn’t good. Wouldn’t care that they aren’t good