to think I am a terrible, lazy mother

[WorstMotherEver]

I will start by saying I am 39 and I've realised I have had a long life pleasing myself. Not rich at all, but comfortable and basically my baby is nearly 1 after 15 years infertility

When I was in the thick of the trauma of being 'infertile' I viewed mat leave as a long holiday I was very resentful of.

Boy, it's not a holiday. If it is, it's the worst holiday I have ever had!

I love my son, but I didnt know what hard work actually was.

I've got lazy excuses for everything, but now he is older and more active I really struggle to find things to do and find giving lunch in a public place, getting the high chair, manouvering the buggy past people who wont give any room, dealing with the sippy cup being thrown all over, and thats after getting ready, putting him in the car, driving somewhere ....

I was always encouraged to go for a walk in the early days but when we really thought we wouldnt have kids we bought a house on a hill and I really struggle to get back up it, so I have to really consider how far I can walk (Its 15 mins to a small row of shops) before we go, and all the faff first like coats, just the stres of it all negates how good it feels to actually go out.

I dont know what I hope from this, I am planning to go to a fitness class as I used to be 8 stone, I am now 12 (shocked everyone with my weight gain, I am a bit tall I used to look anorexic now I feel 'fat'') so I need to sort myself out, but in the midst of doing all this for my child.

Worst still, I have a fabulous husband who earns enough I can stay home, does what I ask (looks after him exactly like I would, baby was bottle fed so shared the nght feeds etc)

What's wrong with me? Am I a cunt? I feel like one.

I do think underlying all this is anxiety. I couldnt even take him out to mny garden in the newborn days, my HV said that would be enough but I was convinced I would drop him so basically sat in a rocking chair for 6 months. (I broke my coccyx giving birth to be fair, it was the only comfortanle place to sit.

(I am making dinner, will come back later but would really appreciate some feed back)

PS my friend took her baby SWIMMING on her own. My mind doesnt want to beelive that it's possible.

Make it easy on yourself. Keep your baby in pjs if you want - just pull a jumper and coat on! I get myself ready after breakfast, I put 11m old in a playpen with TV on for 10 mins while I whizz some clothes on and do fastest grooming ever!

@MatildaTheCat

My score:

Your score was 14 out of a possible 30.

Scores in the 10-30 range may be indicative of Depression

If you had a traumatic birth (you mention a broken coccyx) you might be suffering from PTSD (either as well as, or instead, of PND). But it does sound as though some professional intervention would help you. Please see someone else at the surgery. Or - if you can afford it - maybe seek some private therapy. Best wishes.

Having a baby is really hard. Especially as an older Mother, with all the emotions that go with thinking you will never have a child.

I had my first at 37 and had another at 41, then my youngest at 43.

I can do relate to what you have said, and I had PND and anxiety.

Can you see a different GP? Or ask your HV for an assessment?

I had to go back to work when my babies were very small as I have always been the breadwinner. I was actually glad to escape from my firstborn but that just exacerbated issues.

You are not a shit mum. You are your baby's Sun, Moon and Stars all rolled into one.

You will both get through this.

I think you need to see another GP and look online about whether you can self refer to your local perinatal mental health team (it has to be before your baby turns one, so needs to be quick).

I absolutely empathise OP, whilst I do agree to get reassessed for PND and raise hell if you get the same response you've already had that advice so I'll give you my experience from the same time period.

It was a massive massive shock , I found trips out to be a bloody expedition. You get thrown into this world that you have never experienced and everyone else seems to master with ease (they dont they really dont ) and all of a sudden the smallest task seems to need the military planning of the D Day landings.

I remember sitting in hospital with ds1 and they were about to discharge us and I was amazed they were just going to let me walk out with this tiny vulnerable thing as if I knew what I was doing, didn't I need a licence or something? Nope , crack on you will be fine !

Ds2 was extremely unwell as well and after weeks of 24 hour support and care , a transition through the add on unit and it was still a bloody shock (trying to negotiate a three year old and a young baby who had been ill....I've negotiated large multi million pound contracts and for two weeks I was too scared to go to the park).

Get reassessed for PND but importantly take the pressure of yourself. Most of us are like this at the start (and errr occasionally when they are 7 and 4 cough) , yes there might be some insensitive morons who will tell you it will be a breeze but they are either lying or they are in the 5% who did breeze through it).

This period with a baby is lovely but terrifying. The next bit is hard in a different way and lovely in a different way and all worth it but bloody hard work. It will all get easier and better I promise (then they throw a curve ball like decide spongebob square pants gives them nightmares and you learn yet another parenting thing).

Dont stress about laziness , really, this rubbish is made up by people who feed off mothers insecurities. Do what works for you , if tarquin down the road only wears hand woven cloth and ate hummus at 3 days old because hes so advanced....Good for sodding tarquin....doesn't make what you are doing wrong.

Some days I ascribe to the rule " all fed none dead" (I know at newborn stage you may find that a blunt statement ) and other days I got it right and I feel like mother earth (although in fairness they are few)

My DC are happy, relatively well adjusted and their biggest worry is whether Santa will come next year...I'm doing alright and so are you.

God if it makes you feel better OP I have a 2.5 yo who I have NEVER taken swimming. I also dislike the faff of going out - we often have slob days at home. Tbh I don't see the difference in going out and staying in at this age - ds can run round exhausting himself just as easily in the garden as he can anywhere else and I don't have to get stressed out.

This sounds very similar to my experience as a new mum. I felt like this for 2 years before it came to a head with me saying I was going to put my DS up for adoption because I was obviously such a bad mother my DS was being damaged by my shit parenting. My DH took me to the doctor's who diagnosed and and things slowly started to get better once I was on the right medication.

Being a mum to a baby is very difficult and not as much fun as i thought it would be, but it shouldn't be the hellhole pit of dispair you are experiencing. It does get easier as they get older, and they will get to an age where you LOVE parenting them and don't ever want them to grow up, it was 4+ for me. Please get help from a different doctor, the one you saw before was a knob.

I haven’t experienced infertility so I don’t speak from a place of experience. But new motherhood is ridiculously hard and frequently shit. And confronting the challenges of new motherhood off the back of the challenges and anxiety of infertility, and feeling like because you should be eternally grateful and should enjoy every minute and mustn’t ever moan because you were lucky to have a baby at all, must be incredibly incredibly hard.

So frankly I think it’s unsurprising that you’re feeling a bit down. You are not selfish. You are not lazy. You are not a bad mother. You are ALLOWED to find this hard, because it is.

That said, it does sound like you might be suffering from some anxiety problems, and I do think you should try and see another GP. Getting out does help. Like some other posters I’ve found baby groups really help.

You broke your coccyx and your son was born poorly. Dont be so hard on yourself. And I agree with pp who say find another GP or a maybe a different practice.

Tbh op I'm not sure you have anything wrong at all
It is hard work!
I also live up a hill and I'm 33 and struggle to get back up it. We gave up my car so now only have one which dh uses to get to work so I am totally isolated and I become nervous to go out with the baby. I don't really want to!
I will take him walks around the forests and stuff but the idea of going to cafés etc fill me with dread. I hate friends wanting to come over because I just worry about breastfeeding.
I'm not depressed I'm just uncomfortable! I think you might just feel the same as I do and it seems like mother's on the outside cope better.
My cousin took her baby to America and travel all over the place seeing family and staying over. All I could think of is how can she be arsed dealing with all that.

Ah I really feel for you and I can relate to it. I struggled to get pregnant (not as long as you by any stretch) and I once I got pregnant I thought it would be plain sailing, how couldn’t it be? It was everything I wanted.

But I really bloody struggled, I found everything overwhelming and stressful and I tried so hard to enjoy it. But I really didn’t for the longest time.

I had postnatal anxiety (I had previously struggled with anxiety and depression in the past). I started therapy and eventually started to feel better. My kid is 2 now and although a lot of it is hard, challenging and some times a bit boring, I am really enjoying being a mum.

Another one saying try your HV or another GP.

I'd also suggest getting your thyroid checked.

I tap danced along the line of a PND diagnosis but luckily I had a very perceptive health visitor who suggested I get my thyroid checked.

An underactive thyroid can affect you mentally, I struggled with feeling that everything was just too much hassle and my ability to plan and follow a plan went out the window.

It can also cause weight gain and make losing weight more difficult.

Bloody hell, I've got to go the Dr again.

If they tell me to 'just get out more' I will punch them
That said, I do go out as I have said it's just the feelings when I do.

I've just read my post back and realised it sound like I think parenting is now a breeze. It's not. My DS (9) is currently sat on his Xbox and has been for about 4 hours because I am most definitely having a CBA day. But he's fed, and I remembered he needed new school shoes because his others had fallen apart so we got those this morning, so I'm counting today as a win.

I would get your DH to come with you to the GP appointment and shout at them for you because a) someone close to you saying that you aren't well ought to be a big red flag for them b) strength in numbers c) sadly some GPs will take a man more seriously d) since you are almost certainly suffering from postnatal depression, you don't currently have enough strength in you to get it sorted, so need some external help.

You will be better though, I promise. And you will be awesomely, awesomely everything your baby needs. You already are, you just need help to see it

You are not a bad mum OP. You sound like a great mum. Being a mum is incredibly hard, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, wouldn't change it for the world though.
It is ok to stay at home sometimes and do things at home, you don't HAVE to go out everyday. Please dont be so hard on yourself, and try to take any little bit of time for yourself that you can, someone once told me "you can't pour from an empty cup" and go and see a different doctor and tell them how you are feeling.

It’s really hard when reality doesn’t match expectation after years of infertility. I had my baby a month ago after 10 years of infertility and was the same as you initially - anxious, overprotective, and in pain (baby and I almost died and because of that it took ages for milk to come in so my nipples hurt too) - but when we started going out (at MW’s insistance - she took DH aside to tell him she was worried about me) and there was a huge difference in my mood. Suggest you try little but regular trips even if you don’t go anywhere and just have a wonder - my first few trips were just 30min walks around the block.

God, I really struggled as a new mother. With hindsight, I can see I was in mourning for about a year, just mourning my old life.

Good luck. It will get so much easier.

It is just really, really tough.
No qualification, no external/medical reasons needed: it’s just unbelievably tough.
Be gentle with yourself.

I have baby the same age it’s my 4th though and I feel like this and have PND I have to force myself to do stuff and it all seems a bit bleak, but I know it doesn’t last forever and gets less relentless . Do things to make things easier like non spill cups and car seats that spin round to the side to help out them in easy , I tend to walk most places too as it’s so much hassle to get on and out of car . My main thing in morning is getting up and getting ready before my baby so I don’t spend the day feeling hideous and can’t cope as it’s easy to spiral downwards . Sounds like you have PND or the constant anxiety of infertility or worrying being pregnant has taken its toll and chipped away at you .

It was a massive massive shock , I found trips out to be a bloody expedition.

I found this without pnd.

Little steps and accepting it would takes ages to get anywhere.

I would try HV if GP isn't being helpful to rule out pnd.

Is there someone who could go to the GP with you, your DH maybe? It is so hard when you are beaten down to stick up for yourself and i would be worried that they will not listen and talk over you again and that is the last thing you need xxx

PS you are not a shit or lazy mum. You need a little help and for someone to listen, that's all xxx