to think I am a terrible, lazy mother

[WorstMotherEver]

I will start by saying I am 39 and I've realised I have had a long life pleasing myself. Not rich at all, but comfortable and basically my baby is nearly 1 after 15 years infertility

When I was in the thick of the trauma of being 'infertile' I viewed mat leave as a long holiday I was very resentful of.

Boy, it's not a holiday. If it is, it's the worst holiday I have ever had!

I love my son, but I didnt know what hard work actually was.

I've got lazy excuses for everything, but now he is older and more active I really struggle to find things to do and find giving lunch in a public place, getting the high chair, manouvering the buggy past people who wont give any room, dealing with the sippy cup being thrown all over, and thats after getting ready, putting him in the car, driving somewhere ....

I was always encouraged to go for a walk in the early days but when we really thought we wouldnt have kids we bought a house on a hill and I really struggle to get back up it, so I have to really consider how far I can walk (Its 15 mins to a small row of shops) before we go, and all the faff first like coats, just the stres of it all negates how good it feels to actually go out.

I dont know what I hope from this, I am planning to go to a fitness class as I used to be 8 stone, I am now 12 (shocked everyone with my weight gain, I am a bit tall I used to look anorexic now I feel 'fat'') so I need to sort myself out, but in the midst of doing all this for my child.

Worst still, I have a fabulous husband who earns enough I can stay home, does what I ask (looks after him exactly like I would, baby was bottle fed so shared the nght feeds etc)

What's wrong with me? Am I a cunt? I feel like one.

I do think underlying all this is anxiety. I couldnt even take him out to mny garden in the newborn days, my HV said that would be enough but I was convinced I would drop him so basically sat in a rocking chair for 6 months. (I broke my coccyx giving birth to be fair, it was the only comfortanle place to sit.

(I am making dinner, will come back later but would really appreciate some feed back)

PS my friend took her baby SWIMMING on her own. My mind doesnt want to beelive that it's possible.

I found things much easier once my DD could walk at about 13 months. Until then she needed me to constantly amuse her making having a shower and getting anything done in the house impossible. At 15 month it was Easter and the weather began to improve and she was running round the park with her cousins. I found the first year a slog but things became more fun.

However, I would also suggest you go to your GP but a different one.

You are not a bad Mum OP, you just sound unwell, which can be fixed.

Either ask to see a different GP or take your DH or friend for support.

Also I know you might not be there yet and it’s hard but I joined the gym and even an hour away on my own and a swim and relaxation helps me through , I spent ages saying I was ‘too Busy ‘ to go and still resent the mess I come back to but it’s been key to still feeling like myself .

You are an older first time mum after having years of putting yourself first . Now you have a baby to take care of and all the massive changes that brings to your life. It can be quite a shock and take a long time to get used to the changes so do not be so hard on yourself. I think the older you are the bigger the shock and the longer it takes to suddenly get used to your new life. Mine are grown now, but I well remember the oddest things...the first bedtime at home. Usually you would just get up and go to bed, instead there was lots of things to sort first and then of course years of sleepless nights ahead.
You do eventually get used to the new routine, it is a bit like driving a car and eventually becomes second nature. I remember feeling silly the first time I went out pushing a pram, a few years later it felt odd being out without pushing one.

You are not terrible, or lazy. You wouldn't be posting this if you didn't care. I agree with the PPs who say go and see a different GP (honestly, you wonder why some of them chose it as a career path).

I would also suggest you ask to have your thyroid function tested, because a lot of what you said about everything seeming like such hard work really resonated with me, and mine turned out to be in my boots.

Good luck, OP. Let us know how you're getting on.

You are not shit. Many of us (myself included) could have written your post when our first (and sometimes subsequent) babies were born.

I remember all those years ago thinking that maternity leave would be a lovely long holiday from work. Then DD1 was born and not only did I discover that it was certainly no holiday and going to work was easier, but she made me realise how overwhelming new parenthood can be.

You sound maybe overwhelmed. You might find that you need to visit your GP to get checked out for PND, which is very common and for which there is medical help available.

Take up all realistic offers of help from family and friends. Find an errand to run each day. Just get into the habit of heading out for a walk with your baby in the pram. Down to the local shops will do.

Make it a project to investigate local mother and baby groups so that you might meet people who are in a similar situation to you.

Being a new parent can feel very lonely and isolating, but believe me you aren't alone. You have just gone through a massive life change and are learning to cope with it, and you will get there.

I remember thinking that I must be such a shit mother because I actually found myself grieving for the loss of my former life, identity and freedoms. I thought I must be some kind of freak, and an awful person. I now know that those are very common and normal feelings.

Be kind to yourself. Have as much company as possible. Make yourself and the baby get out at least once a day, even though it can seem like a military operation just to get out of the door. It saved my sanity.

Above all, be kind to yourself.

I would get your DH to come with you to the GP appointment

^^ This is probably a good idea as well.

Plus asked about thryroid tests - friend was treated for pnd till locucm looked at notes and actauly read the blood results - as soon a thyroid meds kicked in she felt normal first time in 18 months since her youngest birth.

Are there any local baby groups - is there anyone who could go to them with you? That helped DH cousin having her Mum and SIL go with the to groups - wasn't only thing but it helped.

I know what you mean about the faff and the pushchair and the high chair and the cup going everywhere... I bloody hated it. Are there places near-ish to you where you can drive to (I found the car a useful transitioning space between home and ‘out’ - you can sling the kid in, toss in all the coats and crap) and decide when you get there if it’s worth doing the pushchair dance to get the kid out of the car? And then, if you do wrestle the pushchair and the baby out, does it have wide, flattish pathways to push the buggy along? Nature reserves or National Trust places are usually good for this. Walk for two minutes then if it’s shit, back to the car and head home. Hopefully the baby will fall asleep and you can get a cup of tea at a drive-thru McDonald’s to make your day complete. The baby doesn’t need loads of ‘experiences’ at this age. He doesn’t know where his own nose is. But you need fresh air and to go back to your GP.

Take care. It can be so hard - I remember it well. Look after yourself.

It might be worth seeing a female go who has had kids. If I see my female gps about parenting things they are far less dismissive. I had real pain breastfeeding my third son. The gp spent 30 minutes looking up every angle to treat us both. My male gp said it would get better after six weeks.

Agree with others, worth getting assessed for PND.
What I found useful is to constantly have a bag packed with everything the baby and I need. Don't remove anything from the bag that isn't used and top the bag up with any used bits at the end of the day. You don't have to worry about packing it all every day because it's already done.

Also try not to worry about being out in public. I really had some anxiety about that initially, especially with the baby crying. Then I realised, babys cry. People can just deal with it. They were babies once.

I was the same as you for a while when DS was born. Took me a while but I gradually took myself out of my comfort zone bit by bit and eventually I was taking him out all the time and really enjoying it.

I hope everything gets better for you. You are NOT a bad mother. Its bloody hard work and it sounds like you are doing really well. Don't give yourself a hard time.

I always found if I could get out on a Monday then the rest of the week fell into place.
If I didnt. I would then not go out more than one day.. then become less motivated as the week goes on. And before you know it I've spent the whole week inside.

Try a different GP to whoever you saw last time and be honest about how overwhelmed and anxious you feel. It does sound like you're struggling with PND, and that's good news in a way, because it can be treated and you can feel better.

I also find there’s maybe a different dynamic when your baby is unwell at birth. I don’t know your situation, but mine was an emcs for my twins, one was resuscitated then they were both whisked off to nicu before I even saw them, didn’t get to see them until the next morning.

When I did get to touch them it was through holes in incubators. Very little skin to skin with them. Feeds were checking the ph of stomach contents and measuring and tube feeding and pumping. DT2 was in for two months then readmitted when he got very sick about a week after we came home.

I know other mums who looked at their babies and just felt overwhelming love - I honestly just felt fear. I was so worried about them. I love them of course, but it’s always felt more like concern and anxiety. I couldn’t bf but felt so guilty that I kept pumping every couple of hours until they were 7 months old. Looking back I was very clearly depressed and probably still am to be honest. I definitely have bad anxiety these days but that feels sort of inevitable with everything we have to deal with. They are both autistic and DT2 has a lot of other difficulties as well.

I really struggled to take them out as well. It was such a mission. Even with their disabilities it’s much easier now they are bigger than when they were babies.

Definitely seek some help and stop beating yourself up.

Goodness

Fifteen years of infertility is stress inducing enough on its own. Add to that other factors.

You are not lazy or terrible - you are suffering post natally

Please please ask for some help.

One of the problems with long term infertility is that you have plenty of time to imagine the sort of parent you think you you will be and your expectations are high. The, when it finally happens, it knocks you for 6 as you discover it's just as knackering, messy, relentless as it would have been if you had fallen pregnant on day one.

Also, other people buy into those expectations and make it more difficult for you to voice how you are feeling. "You can't possibly be complaining after waiting sooo long for it" like dirty nappies and sleeping problems are only valid for those who,get pregnant quickly.

Your feelings may be normal, they may be symptoms of pnd, but either way it will help you to talk to someone.

It is very hard work.looking after a baby or toddler. Harder than any job outside the home.
Be kind to yourself. You're doing fine.
Try and get out more, possibly to.mum and toddler groups/ clubs, normally at 10am, weekday mornings. Then rest in afternoon or once you feel more up to it go to lunch and soft play directly from the club with 2 or 3 other mums with their toddlers and babies too.
I think that's what GP or HV would probably recommend too.

OP. If you were a "lazy, terrible mother" you wouldn't be posting on here feeling awful about it, would you?

15 years of infertility must have been mentally and actually quite physically draining. To want something for so long, I don't doubt that things are probably a bit different to what you imagined. You are an absolute hero!!!

Whilst I can't say whether you've definitely got PND or not, please see a different GP and remember to give yourself a break. You're doing wonderfully x

I'd always been desperate to be a mother. When I had my son 15 years ago, I thought, "What the fuck have I done?" I hated those first months.

Motherhood is bloody difficult and it's relentless; the daily grind of it is exhausting. But it need not be as awful as you describe. I agree with previous posters. Please do seek help. And please go easy on yourself. It will can be better and it will get better.

I could have written your post after DC1 - I hardly ever went out with him, even the supermarket was too stressful in case he cried and I couldn't comfort him.

I remember taking him to nursery aged 9 months when I went back to work and feeling relieved that he was being looked after by people who knew what they were doing

Looking back - I might have needed medical help and I definitely needed people to talk to, I was isolated and at a loss really with no family nearby. I needed someone to say, that's normal, don't worry, I'm coming over to see you and bringing lunch, can I take him off your hands for an hour this afternoon, aren't babies annoying etc etc

Be kind to yourself - this was my least favourite stage but it will soon be over.

You are not a shit Mum. The fact you are on here asking the question shows that you care. I had such anxiety about everything. I was diagnosed with pnd after my second, but I know I wasn’t right from the first time. My HV just thought I sat watching tv all the time (most certainly didn’t) but I needed her to say you are not right, but she didn’t. Is there a local mother and baby group you could attend? Local churches often have them. I know that would be a massive step, but you will find that there are others that feel like you. I would definitely go and see a female Dr though.

People have given you some really good advice about your mental state.
A few practical things:

1. Get yourself a really light and easy to push pushchair. If you are using a car, then a light one will be easy to put in the car. And an easy to push one if you don't use the car much. They are all very different. I got myself a Silvercross and struggled with the weight and returned it, as I had back problems. Fear of pain also makes you fearful about going out as you feel out of control.
2. Look for playgroups nearby, or music groups. You'll find activities through talking to other mothers.
3. Iron deficiency, Vitamin D and Vitamin B deficiencies can affect your mood.
4. Don't eat in shop restaurants if you don't want to. Its very stressful. Take sandwiches and eat in a park and feed ducks.
5. And talk to the baby all the time!!!
6. Its OK to feel tired. Have a nap in the afternoon, when the baby is asleep. Don't worry much about the housework. Just enjoy getting to know and communicate with the baby.
7. Be kind to yourself, your body and hormones are still recovering.

This is the hard work reality of having a tiny baby. No one ever puts this on their social media account. I think you’re doing an amazing job. Congratulations on having your longed for baby. Stop being hard yourself. Your weight is unimportant especially at the moment. I also think being on maternity leave can be terribly lonely. I felt exactly the same when our son was tiny. I was scared to take him out on my own because I thought other people would see how rubbish I was with him. I wish I’d cut myself some slack. Your gp sounds horrible. Females can be so judgmental of other females. Go and see someone else from your practice. It could be that you have pnd. Your symptoms and thoughts are very similar to what mine were. Good luck going forward. It will get easier and don’t forget what a great job you’re doing 💐

Go back to the GP, and/or see a private doctor if you can

Insist on blood tests
thyroid levels
iron levels
B12 levels
(probably some others too)

Really talk about depression and PND, get a referral to a professional you can talk to on a weekly basis and consider a trial of some medication.

You deserve some help, your DC deserves for you to have some help.

You might well have PND. It sounds like you do to me. My GP also decided I didn;t have it vbecause (to quote her) 'You tried so hard with IVF for so many years, you must now be over the moon.' I was and I wasn't.

The most important thing to realise is: you are allowed to do it your way. In the way that makes you happiest, or if not happy at least most comfortable and least stressed. If you want to hang out at home, you can. No one has to swim with their babies. They only have to relearn when they are school age anyway. Swimming with babies is for the mother, not the baby.

Take a friend for moral support and ask to see a different gP if you have the option. Ask to do the PND questionnaire.

It's possible you just feel overwhelmed. If it is just this, allow yourself all the time in the world to wrangle the baby into nappy, baby grow, coat, buggy etc and then walk. The fresh air might make him nod off and then you can sneak a coffee in a cafe and read a book or think non-baby thoughts for half an hour.

This time passes. FWIW, people who struggle with the baby years often really enjoy the child/teen or even adult offspring years - and they last far longer.

Oh you poor thing. I'm sending you a big hug OP. I'm mum to 5DD's and from experience I can tell you that motherhood is like some exclusive club that you can't wait to join but the reality is that once you're in it, you can't get out of it and actually some of of the time the motherhood club IS shit. However, be certain that you ARE doing a great job and really are everything your DS needs. As previous posters have said it does sound as though you may have PND and are overwhelmed at the moment - that is impacting not on your DS but on YOU and maybe your DH to a lesser degree but it really well get better. Do you have any mummy friends as I personally found this an absolute life saver. [Safety in numbers!] e.g Could you bear to invite another mum with similar aged baby round rather than having to go out? In a nutshell, confide in DH, see G.P and be nicer to yourself OP. Good luck oh and a big bunch of flowers too!