to think I am a terrible, lazy mother

[WorstMotherEver]

I will start by saying I am 39 and I've realised I have had a long life pleasing myself. Not rich at all, but comfortable and basically my baby is nearly 1 after 15 years infertility

When I was in the thick of the trauma of being 'infertile' I viewed mat leave as a long holiday I was very resentful of.

Boy, it's not a holiday. If it is, it's the worst holiday I have ever had!

I love my son, but I didnt know what hard work actually was.

I've got lazy excuses for everything, but now he is older and more active I really struggle to find things to do and find giving lunch in a public place, getting the high chair, manouvering the buggy past people who wont give any room, dealing with the sippy cup being thrown all over, and thats after getting ready, putting him in the car, driving somewhere ....

I was always encouraged to go for a walk in the early days but when we really thought we wouldnt have kids we bought a house on a hill and I really struggle to get back up it, so I have to really consider how far I can walk (Its 15 mins to a small row of shops) before we go, and all the faff first like coats, just the stres of it all negates how good it feels to actually go out.

I dont know what I hope from this, I am planning to go to a fitness class as I used to be 8 stone, I am now 12 (shocked everyone with my weight gain, I am a bit tall I used to look anorexic now I feel 'fat'') so I need to sort myself out, but in the midst of doing all this for my child.

Worst still, I have a fabulous husband who earns enough I can stay home, does what I ask (looks after him exactly like I would, baby was bottle fed so shared the nght feeds etc)

What's wrong with me? Am I a cunt? I feel like one.

I do think underlying all this is anxiety. I couldnt even take him out to mny garden in the newborn days, my HV said that would be enough but I was convinced I would drop him so basically sat in a rocking chair for 6 months. (I broke my coccyx giving birth to be fair, it was the only comfortanle place to sit.

(I am making dinner, will come back later but would really appreciate some feed back)

PS my friend took her baby SWIMMING on her own. My mind doesnt want to beelive that it's possible.

Had babies not had parents!

Thanks everyone for the lovely replies.
Consensus seems to be I need a Doctor, and will go.

I know ‘dramatic’ wasn’t meant for me and had a feeling it wasn’t but it did make me think so I make a meal out of simple tasks and I think I do .

I agree with everyone on going to another Doctor re: anxiety - but also wanted to add that the first year IS really hard. It gets SO MUCH EASIER after they turn 1!!

Please take the pressure off yourself. I found that only having ONE THING TO DO each day was enough. Eg a walk to the park OR a walk to the shops OR a playgroup. Otherwise, you're right, the whole day is spent preparing food, changing nappies etc. It's hard enough to have a shower yourself!. You really don't need to be achieving much.
If you're keeping him alive/fed/happy then you're a BRILLIANT Mum!
Feel good that you've achieved that each day.

Other tip is to get a good Changing Bag, with compartments; always keep spare clothes/snacks in it etc then it will become second nature to have it all to hand.

Finding a nice local playgroup may be a life changer - you can share your worries with other Mums and share tips, everyone is finding it hard believe me.

Sending hugs xxx

It could be PND or it could just just be a normal response to a really hard time. Babies are exhausting and difficult and other people can be too. It sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to do things, do you have to do them, if not don't. Stay in and nap with your baby who won't even remember going out or staying in. Be kind to yourself!

Good luck with another doctor, OP. I bloody hope they listen this time. Agree if you are able to get your partner on board with this, he can help advocate for you if it gets exhausting or dispiriting.

I have a 10-month-old and I really do understand what you are feeling, even though my mental health is good. Every activity is hard, especially at the beginning, and yes I absolutely hate the physical inconvenience of getting out with her, I'm used to walking quickly and not taking up much space, so to suddenly be manoeuvring a buggy and kit with seemingly nobody noticing that I might need help, or noticing and not caring, is something that still stresses me out. But I have started caring less. The baby needs what she needs and she cannot control herself the way adults can, I will not be embarrassed by her ordinary behaviour. I try hard to be discreet and tidy and quiet with her in cafes etc, but not to the point of curbing her perfectly normal baby behaviour: if people still resent the space we take up, the issue is with them, not me.

I found starting to take my daughter for activities to be nerve-racking and anxiety-inducing all over again, the same feeling as newborn days. But doing the same journey week on week, seeing the same people, working out the best places to have lunch and so on... it starts to feel easier, and as I built up confidence on those particular trips, I started trying new ones. There was a stage when I thought I'd just never see the city centre again, because no way was I ever going to manage taking her there, but now I know the ropes it is possible again, within very different parameters than my child-free excursions.

I think 'get out more' is a great idea IN THEORY, because it helps make the stuff that you find daunting an everyday thing, but if you do not have the confidence or the drive to get out, it is completely useless advice. You need support to get to the stage where you feel able to try, and even positive about it. Your GP is trying to stick a plaster on a gaping wound. I'm angry on your behalf that even after a well-documented traumatic birth, birth injury, and a very tough newborn stage, you are not being offered support. That's more than other mothers have to deal with - I had a very straightforward scheduled C-section and a healthy baby who came home after two nights, and I still found it utterly discombobulating. I cannot imagine being thrown into it all dealing with what you have.

Lots of love and solidarity. You are a good mum, and you can become a better one. Big big hugs.

You are not shit. You are a good mother but don't realise it.
Go back to the drs ask to see a different doctor
There is a service called I Cope. I'm not sure if you can self refer or dr has to do it. X
It is a talking therapy. It's a great help x

If there's not another Gp at your practice, maybe register at a different one is you can.
Talking therapy and antidepressants are a brilliant help. X

Hope you are feeling better. Having a baby is tough. I remember wanting to go to the Coop - 10min trip as a grown up. Got baby ready to go out. Baby was crying, seemed hungry. Decided to feed baby. Burp baby. Put back in pram. Baby did massive poo that shot up their back to their neck. Needed full outfit change. One hour and thirty minutes went past we still hadn't got out of the door for what should have been a ten minute job. Babies are tough! Be kind to yourself!

Oh OP I really feel for you. My story is very similar.

I had PTSD. And PND from a truly awful pregnancy and birth. I didn’t realise how fucked up i was until years later.

Id second what a few others are saying. Definitely go to the doctor, and take someone to advocate for you. (It’s a shitty truth that depression and anxiety rob you of your ability to stand up for yourself right when you need it most)

I also found going back to work a sanity saver. I rediscovered the old me. And whoever said upthread that there’s at least a year of mourning for yr old life is so right. No matter how wanted the baby is, it’s an unimaginable upheaval.

And last, You are just looking to make it through the day, so I’ll share a mantra I found on here that really helped me with the crippling anxiety of being a parent.

‘Everybody fed. Nobody dead‘

That’s all that actually needs to happen. Just make it through a tough day having met basic needs. the rest is just window dressing, and can be done another day.

How are you doing @WorstMotherEver?

It's really hard, and can come as a shock when you're not expecting it to be hard.

Would your OH take the baby out for a few hours each weekend? That quiet time in my own home without having to do anything really, really helped me when DDs were this age.

I also found going back to work a sanity saver.

I also agree with this.

Just for another perspective don t know whether not wanting to take baby out is a sign of PND. I found it a really big hassle to take mine out and was a complete hermit. And would hate the thought of baby swimming. What a hassle. But depends on how sociable you were before baby. Also baby classes are to get mums rather than babies out most of the time. Babies only get social much later. I don t think you should compare. Be happy with what you are doing. But def worth getting second opinion from a doctor on pnd. But don t feel bad about not taking baby to baby classes. If you ve got a garden maybe you can just take the baby outside in the garden for fresh air rather than trooping up and down hill. Nothing wrong with being a bit lazy either.

It sounds like your anxiety is making you feel like a bad mum. I was very anxious for a while when my baby was between 6-8 months because. I always felt like people were looking at me because she wouldn’t take a bottle, wouldn’t nap etc. I’d cry and tell myself that I’m a bad mum. A few key things helped and now I’m back to my confident happy self:

• If you’re going out, go somewhere that makes you happy. A baby group with supportive mums, a coffee with friends, baby cinema etc.
• Go out during an “easy” time of day. If your LO isn’t a good eater, don’t go out at lunch. If they’re not a good napper, don’t go out at nap time. Go out during whatever window works for you.
• Don’t sweat the small stuff! If you forget something, does it matter? I have genuinely spent most of the day with a skid mark on my dress from when I got baby poo on myself and didn’t have a change of clothes. Nothing bad happened.
• If you want to have a few days in the house, then do! Stick Netflix on and let your LO play with a sensory box on the floor beside you while you binge watch.
• Have your own life. Can you do a date night every month with your husband? See friends without your LO once a week? Find a good childminder or nursery for a few mornings per week so you can have some “me time” and feel reenergised?
• Surround yourself with friends, family members and other mums who support you. Keep your distance from anyone who is judgemental of different parenting styles for a while, until you feel confident again.

I wonder if you can afford some part time help? If you had a nanny for a few hours, they can do the fiddly bits like get your baby ready for a walk, and then you might enjoy walks more. If your gp has said she doesn't think you have pnd, and "just get out more", then it's worth throwing all you can at that plan before giving up on it. Your GP will probably give a better diagnosis than a load of us on the internet.

UPDATE *

In case anyone reads this, for themselves more than. Thinking of me haha!

I went to the doctors, my best friend made me a appt as she also didn't think what I was feeling was right.

I was given sertraline and within 2 days I was a different person. This was February

Please reach out to your GP if you were feeling like me.

I don't want to go into exact detail but GP decided it was anxiety not depression which made it harder for me to spot, I knew I wasn't depressed ! But mild sadness for not being able to live due to anxiety

That's such good news, OP! Hopefully, as you say, this will help other mums/people with anxiety get some help.

Go pleaded to read your update. Xx

I am so pleased for you, OP. It figures that you'd need something "tweaking" in terms of how you were feeling, as it does sound as if you had a very traitor birth if you sustained a broken coccyx during childbirth.
I was reading your post and remembering what a bloody faff it was with my first baby, all the equipment needed to go out and the realisation that I was no longer free and easy and couldn't do what I wanted.
I had the same type of good support from my husband and no money worries, DS was a good sleeper and I just couldn't work out why I was hanging off the radiator in his nursery every day, crying and getting such anxiety about what to do with him when he woke up.
I am so glad you are well now and enjoying your little boy.

Came on ready to give advice and support. How happy I was to see your update and that it wasn't needed! Well done for coming back. This could be a life saver for someone feeling like you did in your OP.

PND is very common after infertility especially as we practically kill ourselves to have the baby putting money and our bodies through hell to get there. It is very common and even if not PND I suspect this is tangled up in getting the very thing you’ve wanted and dreamed of and struggled for and then finding it isn’t easy at all. It’s just another crappy thing those of us with fertility problems have to go through.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. I do think you would benefit from a session with a counsellor if your gp won’t take you seriously. It sounds like your husband earns enough so you could pay privately? I would have this as your first step and in the meantime stop being so hard on yourself. Baby won’t notice if it’s not out and about all the time.

Just read your update! Well done. I suspect it’s all linked to the infertility journey you had to go through. Take care of yourself.

OP, I am with you.

A 15 month old DS, and I'm sick to the back teeth of hearing people say "just go for a walk, you'll feel better".

There is nothing more stressful than trying to dress a child who is just as good at undressing himself (quicker than I can put clothes on), in a heatwave, then trying to navigate the buggy out of our kitchen, into our hallway, out the front door, down some steps, up some steps, then having to deal with a surprise shit, or picking up bottles or shoes and God knows what else.

It wasn't easier when he was younger, he just had other challenges, like needing to be fed frequently, or poos that go up the back when laid down.

If I'm given the choice to go out or stay in, I choose to stay in. My husband mocks me because he says I've not left the house for 15 month.

I have, just only when I have to. Otherwise why would I put myself through all that stress?

In the home, I pick my battles too. Food, drinks, bedtime. I obviously care for my son deeply and want to make sure he's happy and healthy, but I'm not going to force him to eat broccoli when it's the umpteenth time I've had to pick some up of the floor. He can have something he will eat, like toast and we'll try again another day.

Always worth getting tested for PND and PNA, I was diagnosed 12 months pp, but I do think my actions and inactions are more fuelled by wanting an easy time, rather than poor mental state.

Just read this.

So glad you got help. Sounds like you have great friends which is always good.

I imagine having a baby after years of infertility is so overwhelming anyway without the awful sickness and then birth and no wonder you ended up anxious.

Being a parent is anxious when it's all gone to plan (it never goes right to plan but you know, TTc, get pg, have baby sort of plans)

Best wishes for a more relaxed future where you can enjoy your little one.

I don't know if you have PND or if you're just having a normal human reaction to an exgausting time, and a broken Coxcyx must have been unbearable!!!! Anyway having a baby is exhausting, add lockdown and this heat to it and I would be getting a childminder and disappearing back to work pronto! In fact with my first that is exactly what I did. I dont think anything can prepare you for how hard your first baby is. I found it a nightmare (I'd had no experience with babies). By tine I had my fourth I was so relaxed abd knew to obly do the bare minimum that it all seemed easy. But the first... Awful!

Anyway you're not a cunt. Motherhood is possibly the hardest job in the world and all your feelings sound normal to me. I think you just need some help so you xan get a brek. As for going out more, go out if you want, don't if you don't. Baby will not remember!