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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asking to move in, WWYD?

261 replies

kwazycupcakes · 04/01/2020 09:42

Morning everyone, has anyone else has been in a similar situation and could share their opinion please?.

DH and I are 30 and own our own home (mortgage). We have a spare bedroom. Some of our friends are in different places in their lives e.g. single or living with parents. That is fine with us, we never bring it up (although they do a few times).

We've had two different friends ask to temporarily move in with us.

Friend 1 - Lived with parents and was saving up for a deposit to rent a house, but was struggling due to all their bills (new car on finance, rent to parents etc). They knew we were decorating our spare bedroom and everytime they came over they kept asking if we'd finished decorating and hinting that if they moved in for two months they would save enough money for a deposit. Everytime they came over they would hint and asked directly a few times.

Friend 2 - Not great with money, new car on finance and latest tech gadgets etc. Has just moved into a family members caravan as it is rent free and they can sort their finances out. Caravan site closes for 6 weeks in January, so they have just asked if they can move in with us for 6 weeks.

Both of them expected to stop with us rent/bill free. And both of them expected us to say yes and that it wouldn't be a problem.

AIBU to say no? DH and I are not rich and have worked hard and saved to get to a point where we can own a house with a spare bedroom. We don't have new cars or latest tech, and we save money every month to work on the house. We are both introverts and appreciate our own space.

Also might be relevant that we are TTC so we hope the bedroom won't be 'spare' for long.

OP posts:
daisypond · 04/01/2020 19:58

I have several times had people live with us and our three children in a two-bed house - for free for weeks or months. I did not charge rent. I wanted to help. That included a friend with two children fleeing domestic violence. That meant eight of us in a two-bed. At another time I had a 17-year-old live with us for nearly a year. I have another young friend, about to be homeless, moving in this month for two months. Real friends.

FruitcakeOfHate · 04/01/2020 20:09

Real friends don't ask to live with another person totally for free. It's one thing to offer if you want, but it in no way makes you a bad person or bad friend to not want to or not be able to afford to keep other people for free (including food). Hmm

JockTamsonsBairns · 04/01/2020 20:40

It's a little surprising that you've got not one, but two close friends, both of whom thought you'd be willing to let them come and live with you without contributing to rent or bills.
Have there been any signs of CFery in these friends previously? I just seems unusual that both of them have, separately, come to the same judgement that you'd be up for this arrangement.

FruitcakeOfHate · 04/01/2020 20:47

When people put out mug soft touch vibes, it's like party flags to CFers.

milliefiori · 04/01/2020 22:30

@daisypond - those circumstances are very different from what OP is describing. You are a lovely person to help friends in this way. Not many people would.

mynameisbiggles · 05/01/2020 17:59

Absolutely not. Six weeks will soon become six months and your fridge will always be devoid of food. You've worked hard, your reward.

RamblingFar · 05/01/2020 18:06

One of my lovely friends put me up for 3 weeks rent free in the Summer and another one for 1 week when I'd had to move house and see out my work contract. I provided and cooked all my own food though. Both have since/before stayed at mine for multiple weekends, but never more than 3 days in a row.

I'd say 6 weeks is too long though and if they are costing you anything, you need to ask them to cover their costs.

Kilper · 05/01/2020 18:08

So just say No.
If they take umbrage at this then so what.

FreedomfromPE · 05/01/2020 18:12

Before children I only housed friends facing actual homelessness in my spare room. It's your room. Just say you need it you don't owe them a reason

puds11 · 05/01/2020 18:12

I can’t believe you have two friends in their 30’s that haven’t managed to sort their own living arrangements properly!

MzHz · 05/01/2020 18:13

Absolutely what @PersonaNonGarter said!

Say No.

Really, saying No and meaning it is a skill all adults need. Especially to protect themselves/their peace in their own home. Learn to say it and mean it.

DO NOT let anyone move in - they don’t neeeeeeed new cars, they’d have more cash if they had just bought within their budgets or made do with what they already had.

The reason you have your home is because you’ve worked hard, you’ve saved and gone without

They’re already leeching off friends and relatives by living on low rent etc, they want you to get even less!

“We don’t want anyone sharing our home”

HavelockVetinari · 05/01/2020 18:19

We've had 2 friends stay for free for 3 months in our London flat to work and improve their English - however, we invited them. We wouldn't just accept anyone (as we explained when PIL suggested we should indefinitely house DH's cousins who spoke no English but apparently wanted to move to the UK).

We also had a friend to stay for a few weeks while he did an internship that was very poorly paid, but again it was us that offered. He got the job full-time on good money and it was a real help to him post-uni (we're 6 years older).

Now we have a DS I'd not let a friend move in under any but the most dire circumstances, and there would need to be an end date. DC make things much more complicated, I'd hate to feel I had to be quiet or tidy DS's toys away to accommodate a guest.

mbosnz · 05/01/2020 18:24

I've ultimately got very good at this one, after having fallen for a sob story a couple of times.

Now I just say, 'no, sorry, we're absolutely no good at living with other people'.

FruitcakeOfHate · 05/01/2020 18:27

Not many people would.

Plenty of people can't. They can't afford to house adults and cover bills for free, they have a child or have a disability or MH condition/a child who needs space to revise for exams, their tenancy agreement forbids it, they are in receipt of benefits and have to declare all who are living in the property, all sorts of reasons.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 05/01/2020 18:39

If Friend 2 is working, why does he not have any money?

Also, it wouldn't just be for the six weeks that the caravan site is closed in the winter. Presumably the caravan is somebody's holiday home, so he will also be looking to freeload in the summer time while the caravan is being used for its original purpose.

Happygirl79 · 05/01/2020 18:41

Just say no.
There's no reason to explain why not.
If they are truly your friends they will understand

firstimemamma · 05/01/2020 18:41

Yanbu, if you want to say no then go for it.

Sickandscared · 05/01/2020 18:41

A HARD no from me. In fact I would reevaluate the friendships based on them asking alone.

I am saying that as someone ten years older who has a CF friend like your F1. I am currently now trying to find the balls to finally finish the one-way take take take (on her part) friendship. Your generosity will not be appreciated I guarantee you. The fact they have assumed they wouldn't have to pay rent shows their perspective that you owe them something.

If I was you I would say "yeah we discussed this a while back. The market rent is X which would come in handy obviously plus sharing bills but we would want it official and it wouldn't be worth doing the lease and getting the room rent ready for such a short period". Inevitably they will express surprise at the prospect of being charged rent and that is when you feign utter gobsmacked stunned shock and splutter "you wouldn't expect to stay for FREE?! Why on earth would we pay a mortgage and you stay for free?"

Btw I had friends put me up for free for a fortnight who wouldn't take a penny from me during a difficult period. I now own my own house and would not hesitate to offer up our attic room for free to any friend in a tight spot - but that is not the case here. They're not friends, they are not in a tight spot. They are simply opportunists.

Mumofsmalls · 05/01/2020 18:56

I would be mortified asking my friend if I could move in rent free. Say no, you’ll end up resenting your friend for constantly being in your personal space and you said yourself you and DH are introverts. CFs will have to wait it out a bit longer to save their deposits!

userxx · 05/01/2020 19:02

Cheeky fuckers.

kinsss · 05/01/2020 19:03

Recently a friend from 150 miles away asked me if her daughter could stay with me for a while until her rental was sorted re a new job nearby.

I'm afraid I was very clear that it could not be long term but a few nights would be fine. They got the message. I was thinking that THEY were thinking it could be a lodger situation. NOT A CHANCE.

Best to be upfront in the first place I think. And to be fair it all worked out.

I gave a room for four days and out she went when the rental worked out. Bet she was glad she didn't have to live with a mad landlady also! Works both ways.

Luckystar777 · 05/01/2020 19:06

Sounds like you are too nice to people and they try to take advantage of you, tell them to get lost!

Purpletigers · 05/01/2020 19:07

They want to live with you for free while driving around in their brand new financed cars? Feck me but they’re entitled ! Laugh when you say no !

doghairismyglitter · 05/01/2020 19:13

Why don’t you say no, but say me and DH value our time together as we both work etc so our time together is pretty sacred? Then no hurt feelings if you don’t want to be so blunt?

jimmyjammy001 · 05/01/2020 19:21

Like pritty much everyone else I would not either, I like hanging out with friends a couple times a week is o.k, but living with them full time no chance, there's probably maybe one out of 10 close friends I could probs bare it with, otherwise it would affect me and my lifestyle and prob the friendship as well, I don't mind having people stay over for a night or two but that is it.

As for the friend in her 30s living at home, unfortunately you need to learn to have alot of patience and think of the end goal saving money towards a house deposit, if not move out and rent and destroy any hope of building up a deposit