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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asking to move in, WWYD?

261 replies

kwazycupcakes · 04/01/2020 09:42

Morning everyone, has anyone else has been in a similar situation and could share their opinion please?.

DH and I are 30 and own our own home (mortgage). We have a spare bedroom. Some of our friends are in different places in their lives e.g. single or living with parents. That is fine with us, we never bring it up (although they do a few times).

We've had two different friends ask to temporarily move in with us.

Friend 1 - Lived with parents and was saving up for a deposit to rent a house, but was struggling due to all their bills (new car on finance, rent to parents etc). They knew we were decorating our spare bedroom and everytime they came over they kept asking if we'd finished decorating and hinting that if they moved in for two months they would save enough money for a deposit. Everytime they came over they would hint and asked directly a few times.

Friend 2 - Not great with money, new car on finance and latest tech gadgets etc. Has just moved into a family members caravan as it is rent free and they can sort their finances out. Caravan site closes for 6 weeks in January, so they have just asked if they can move in with us for 6 weeks.

Both of them expected to stop with us rent/bill free. And both of them expected us to say yes and that it wouldn't be a problem.

AIBU to say no? DH and I are not rich and have worked hard and saved to get to a point where we can own a house with a spare bedroom. We don't have new cars or latest tech, and we save money every month to work on the house. We are both introverts and appreciate our own space.

Also might be relevant that we are TTC so we hope the bedroom won't be 'spare' for long.

OP posts:
Teaandcrisps · 04/01/2020 12:01

Or say that you occasionally air bnb to top up the household expenses. That way if they keep pushing you can hyper inflate the costs based on air bnb prices.

milliefiori · 04/01/2020 12:05

Just say no, we need that room for family staying over. And keep an eye on the friendship. Spongers aren't friends.

Raindancer411 · 04/01/2020 12:08

No, as the saying goes guests like fish, stink after 3 days lol Anyone expecting a free ride is taking the mick!!

NomNomNomNom · 04/01/2020 12:09

I actually don't think you should give an excuse as to why they can't stay. You saved up and worked hard to get into a situation where you have a spare room in a house you don't have to share. By the sounds of it they prioritised other things and are suffering the consequences. If a friend was really in dire need then yes I think you should help but you shouldn't start propping up entitled people who are doing nothing for themselves.

redcarbluecar · 04/01/2020 12:11

Agree with Nom. Minimal explanation required. You don’t want to take in lodgers at the moment. So no, not a possibility.

WeeSleekitTimerousMoosey · 04/01/2020 12:18

That'd be a flat 'no' from me.

No explanation required, it isn't even vaguely normal for adults in their late 20s/30s to be expecting to 'stay' with friends rent free. They're taking the piss.

bettybattenburg · 04/01/2020 12:18

No way. Friend A can stay with their parents - it's odd that their parents want them to move out; why?

Friend B can go and stay with the family.

It's not your responsibility.

Ellie56 · 04/01/2020 12:23

Lots of good advice on here OP.

I continue to be astounded at the level of entitlement and cfuckery encountered by so many on here. Hmm

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 04/01/2020 12:25

We’ve always hosted people for months. We are extroverts and love the company BUT my best friend moved in after a break up, and it’s ruined our friendship. It’s true that you only get to really know someone if you live with them.

A couple of months turned into 8 and towards the end the atmosphere in the house was very strained. I don’t think I’ll do it again Confused

messolini9 · 04/01/2020 12:26

Jeez are both these friends overindulge by parents because they sound very entitled. Rent-free lodging at your expense just because you spent your cash on a mortgage rather than expensive toys?

Next time they hint, ask if they will give you their car or gadgets free for 6 weeks.

I particularly dont understand buying a new car on finance then whinging about accommodation. Ridiculously skewed priorities - but not YOUR problem.

cdtaylornats · 04/01/2020 12:26

Agree to both and find out if they like to share.

BrokenWing · 04/01/2020 12:26

Unless you are considering a paying lodger anyway to help with bills (and it would need to be a proper lodging contract/written agreement/market rate rent and contribution to bills) then no. Why not? We like our privacy/space. End of.

If a friend was in dire need then I would help, but these friends aren't.

Rainbunny · 04/01/2020 12:30

TBH it would be a firm no from me with no explanations (this is important, the moment you try to justify why you're saying no it gives the person asking a "hook" to start working on to try to get around the no - the classic hard sales technique).

The fact that they expect to do this without contributing any kind of rent is a red flag IMO. That shows they're likely not going to be houseguests who feel obligated to pitch in in anyway.

The funny thing is that many lazy, messy, selfish people actually view themselves as great houseguests! My DB stayed with us for a while years ago and it was a miracle that DH and I didn't murder him in the end. He was supremely lazy, messy and self-centred in all the everyday ways that made sharing our house with him maddening. He made cups of tea all day long and never once offered to make some for anyone else. He almost never cooked and when I made family meals he helped himself taking the lion's share of the dish leaving maybe a third left for me and DH to share. He was completely oblivious that he's just taken most of the food while we stared at him in shocked disbelief! After some home truths were told he tried to get better but it didn't really stick. Contributing to the household chores and generally just being considerate of others in the home is just not in his dna. Never again and we laughed silently while he ate all our food and complained about how messy his ex-wife was. Yep, real mystery why they divorced.

Butterfly84 · 04/01/2020 12:33

Wtf OP. No way would I let either of them stay rent free. I like my own space too so would not be happy having a tenant like this. And even if I wasn't bothered about my own space, having one of these friends stay with you would completely change the dynamic of your house...would turn it into a house share rather than your family home.

If one of these friends was in a really bad situation and needed somewhere to stay temporarily, yes okay, that would be fine. But not two friends who just want to save money...and how disrepectful(!!!!) expecting not to pay you rent. They don't seem like very good friends at all, more like spongers who think they can take you for a ride.

PepsiLola · 04/01/2020 12:33

It would never be 6 weeks or 2 months, there would always be some sort of reason to stay until you resent them

FudgeBrownie2019 · 04/01/2020 12:35

It would depend on the friendship for me. For very close friends and family I wouldn't think twice; we've had lots of people stay over the years and never caused any fuss. For sponger-friends I'd refuse, though, and wouldn't apologise or explain, either.

AhNowTed · 04/01/2020 12:36

We did this and naively thought our generosity would be reciprocated with a grocery shop or throw in a few quid. Nope!

Jaxhog · 04/01/2020 12:38

Both of them expected to stop with us rent/bill free. And both of them expected us to say yes and that it wouldn't be a problem.

That you are even considering it means you are lovely people. That they expected you to say yes means they are not. Why should you subsidize their poor financial management? They also are very unlikely to either save or leave. Don't do it!

Pinkyyy · 04/01/2020 12:41

Absolutely no chance. It's funny that the type of people who expect this of others, would never allow it done to them.

What did you say when they asked before? If they're still asking then you need to be clearer.

JKScot4 · 04/01/2020 12:41

My reply would be ‘we’ve decided to Air BnB, it’s £65 per night, if you can match that you’re welcome’ 😉😉

RhinoskinhaveI · 04/01/2020 12:46

Or you could say 'thanks for the suggestion we're going to have a think about taking on a lodger/doing airbnb and whether the extra income is worth it for the inconvenience'

Theonewiththecandles · 04/01/2020 12:50

I think I would let them stay one night to "see how they feel" in the house, and then shag ridiculously loudly for as long as you can. Bonus points for some extra cringey loud music in the background - bump and grind anyone?

bakedbeanzontoast · 04/01/2020 12:51

No way in hell would I be having that. The cheek of some folk fascinated me TBH

bananaskinsnomnom · 04/01/2020 12:52

YANBU. Above everything, your home is your home. Home is a sacred place (ok cheesy I know)
My house is my pride and Joy (and pain in the bloody backside at times, like right now my boiler has just gone kaput, but like a husband I suppose Wink ) I’ve worked hard on it and furnished it myself and it’s my space to lounge around on a lazy Saturday in my dressing gown binge watching Netflix to my own content - you can tell what I’m doing right now!

Before I moved into my house, I lived in a flat (mortgage) with a spare room.
2 weeks after moving in, I had a sofa, a tv, a bed and chest of draws in my room and to be frank not much else besides a basket for shoes and a beanbag from uni life. Spare room completely empty. Friend came to visit.
Now I had known friend from primary school. We went to different secondary school and saw each other at youth group. Not the closest, didn’t socialise outside youth group. Since uni, saw her once a year tops when she came back are way.

She heard I had a flat and was home for weekend so asked to drop in. Sure, I was happy to see her. By the end of the first cuppa she had asked to move in. How great would that be she said? And I have two bathrooms so even better, she could have one and I’ll have the other. Of course she would pay me rent (she did say that she wasn’t expecting a total free ride) but said she couldn’t afford things like sky which I had as she was low pay so money would be tight). How much was my mortgage? Could she pay maybe a third (as it was in my name?) plus a “contribution” to bills? She suggested we split the kitchen in half to keep our food separate etc to avoid arguments like they had at halls, she would eat separately as she is veggie etc.

She was so pushy. As she left she shouted “think about it I’ll call you later!”
I wimped out - I sent her a WhatsApp - and the brunt of it wa s that I had just bought my flat, it was my brand new home, I didn’t want someone in my space so fast, I like her had also lived at home till 26 to save and save and save and just wanted to enjoy making my home mine. I did add that if this was a rental flat I would have been totally up for sharing (there would have been a definate end of contract this way too)
She was ok about it, she agreed she had come on too fast and was pushy and apologised. Did end with a line about being stuck at home for much longer then. (I didn’t point out that maybe if she hadn’t spent 2 gap years travelling and had actually found a proper job before she was 25 she might have had a way out sooner, but that was her choice and I made mine to go for real life faster)
It didn’t kill the friendship we still speak now!

So just be honest OP. No sorry, it’s our home, we’ve made it ours, it’s our space, I’m afraid you’ll have to find alternatives.

bakedbeanzontoast · 04/01/2020 12:52

@MindYours honestly you sound so much like me we must be related lol!!

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