Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asking to move in, WWYD?

261 replies

kwazycupcakes · 04/01/2020 09:42

Morning everyone, has anyone else has been in a similar situation and could share their opinion please?.

DH and I are 30 and own our own home (mortgage). We have a spare bedroom. Some of our friends are in different places in their lives e.g. single or living with parents. That is fine with us, we never bring it up (although they do a few times).

We've had two different friends ask to temporarily move in with us.

Friend 1 - Lived with parents and was saving up for a deposit to rent a house, but was struggling due to all their bills (new car on finance, rent to parents etc). They knew we were decorating our spare bedroom and everytime they came over they kept asking if we'd finished decorating and hinting that if they moved in for two months they would save enough money for a deposit. Everytime they came over they would hint and asked directly a few times.

Friend 2 - Not great with money, new car on finance and latest tech gadgets etc. Has just moved into a family members caravan as it is rent free and they can sort their finances out. Caravan site closes for 6 weeks in January, so they have just asked if they can move in with us for 6 weeks.

Both of them expected to stop with us rent/bill free. And both of them expected us to say yes and that it wouldn't be a problem.

AIBU to say no? DH and I are not rich and have worked hard and saved to get to a point where we can own a house with a spare bedroom. We don't have new cars or latest tech, and we save money every month to work on the house. We are both introverts and appreciate our own space.

Also might be relevant that we are TTC so we hope the bedroom won't be 'spare' for long.

OP posts:
BrightYellowDaffodil · 04/01/2020 10:00

You’re absolutely not unreasonable to say no, especially as they are - cheekily - expecting to live rent free. Just because it’s your own house doesn’t mean YOU live there free, not to mention the extra electricity, water etc.

If a good friend was stuffed for a few days, or got immediately made homeless then of course I’d take them in if they had nowhere else to go. But that really isn’t the situation here, and having had friends move in with my partner and I, it’s something I’d avoid again if at all possible. It was nice for the first few days, and they were very good about doing cooking and cleaning as a thank you, but it became very claustrophobic very quickly. Thankfully they felt the same and stepped up their efforts to find their own place pronto!

DrDreReturns · 04/01/2020 10:04

Wtf! They expect to stay at yours rent free? No way.
Also if they move in there is no guarantee it will be easy to get them to move out again.

Zaphodsotherhead · 04/01/2020 10:04

So first friend wants to pay you even less than they pay their own PARENTS! And second friend may well find that a spare room is much nicer in the winter than a caravan and refuse to move...

Both a right pair of CFs. Just smile, decline nicely and tell them that it wouldn't work for you. You don't have to excuse yourself as they are both trying it on mightily and are well aware of that fact.

Petrichor11 · 04/01/2020 10:06

You need to get some better friends! Honestly, who seriously feels entitled to sponge off their friends like this!?

This isn’t helping someone out in a bad situation, this is them saving money for themselves by sponging off you! Their own parents charge rent but they think you shouldn’t!

CalamityJ · 04/01/2020 10:06

Yes say 'It sounds like you couldn't afford our rent which we'd need to charge to cover the increase in bills and pay our mortgage'.

Frenchw1fe · 04/01/2020 10:06

Tell them if they’re hard up to stop paying they’re car finance. They’ll quite rightly say that it’s not possible to have a car without paying for it.
You then say ‘exactly, and you can’t have a room without paying rent and bills.’ Your car doesn’t drive without fuel and our mortgage and utilities don’t get paid without money!’

Sparklybaublefest · 04/01/2020 10:06

how cheeky of them

Lemond1fficult · 04/01/2020 10:08

I disagree with most of the above. DP and I live in London, and are the only house to have a spare bedroom. We've hosted many of our friends for 1-8 weeks when they're in need because of a break up, a house move or if they're new to the city. So much so, it's referred to jokingly as the 'room of doom'.

I have occasionally said 'no' when it's someone I don't know well, if I can't see an end in sight, or if I just don't think we'd gel well as housemates.

If you just don't want to, don't do it. But I don't think it's automatically CF for them to ask, so long as it doesn't impact on your friendship if you say no. Also, do ask for help with bills - why wouldn't you?

RachelTension · 04/01/2020 10:08

I think this is one of those rare Mumsnet threads where everybody is in agreement.

Plus how much could friend 1 save for a deposit in two months? Confused

RachelTension · 04/01/2020 10:10

^^except for Lemon1ifficult Grin

Proudownerofplants · 04/01/2020 10:11

Rent free?! You'll never get rid of them!

Especially 2, by the sounds.

It's a cheek to ask for free accom unless in dire straits and needing a couple of weeks to get on their feet. Then it would be kind of you to offer a bit of help.

However, you're not here to subsidise their choices (mainly referring to the new cars).

As a fellow introvert, I would be honest and go with something along the lines of MindYours's answer. Try not to worry too much. It's not as though either are on the street otherwise.

Trumpleton · 04/01/2020 10:15

We've had friends stay in our spare room and they always either paid us something or agreed to buy weekly shop etc. I always found it awkward! However we had taken lodgers to save money so it was easier to say we would like a contribution. None of our friends would ever expect to stay for free and when we've stayed for a few weeks with friends, have always given money, shopping, takeaways etc. Your friends sound RUDE! They are not in desperate need, just see you as a free ride!

paranoidmum2 · 04/01/2020 10:18

I think the Americans have a phrase for this, something along the lines of ‘Hell to the no’.

KatherineJaneway · 04/01/2020 10:18

No way would I say yes. True mates would at least offer to pay some money to you. Also might be hard to get them out once they have their feet under your table.

Bluerussian · 04/01/2020 10:19

You are not at all unreasonable to say, "No". You'd be overcrowded in a two bed house with no privacy. As for them not wanting to pay rent, what a damn cheek! If you did let them stay, by the end of it they would no longer be your friends.

Auridon4life · 04/01/2020 10:19

No / your own choice of swear word they are not your friends just money loving twats. Friends don't do that.

daisypond · 04/01/2020 10:19

I would agree, but I would want a reduced rent- doesn’t have to be market rate. I’ve several times had people live at mine in the short term, and I don’t have a spare room.

BIgBagofJelly · 04/01/2020 10:21

I'd always help a friend who had fallen on hard times but not provide free accommodation and bills for people who haven't bothered to manage their money.

Auridon4life · 04/01/2020 10:21

Don't ever speak to them again and see how much money you save. Bet they are always on the scrounge for other stuff like dinner and drinks. Just tell them to go away and enjoy having friends in the same pay bracket as you.

billy1966 · 04/01/2020 10:22

In this situation where they spend their money on new cars and gadgets I would have absolutely no problem saying "No, sorry, that wouldn't work for us".

The reason is they are avoiding responsibility and wanting to use you as extension of their parents.

Fxxk that. I wouldn't want that dynamic in my friendships, nor in my house.

However, a good friend in dire needs due to a genuine problem, I would say yes.

OP, never ever underestimate how large the intrusion is and how difficult it might be to move them on..... because it's too comfortable and suits them too much to be look after by you.

They could care less about how this will work for you OP, this really is all about solving a problem for them until the summer.
You could hardly turf them out in March in the bad weather!

petrocellihouse · 04/01/2020 10:22

If you did this, you may start out as friends, but by the end, you won’t be! Too many times I have seen this happen (both to myself and others) and it’s never a good outcome. People who ask to stay for free very rarely respect boundaries.

Lindy2 · 04/01/2020 10:23

Why on earth would they expect to stay rent free! That is pure CFery.

Their living arrangements and finances aren't your problem.

We had a friend stay with us for about 8 weeks once. He paid rent and was out quite a lot. It was still quite tricky having an extra adult around and it isn't something I'd necessarily do again and I certainly wouldn't do it for free. It's about time your friends grew up a bit.

BoswellSolver · 04/01/2020 10:24

No! Because once they have their foot in the door, they'll stay. They won't find a place ready to move into, it'll be a fixer upper etc, and then they'll stay because the money they save will go into fixing it up.

Auridon4life · 04/01/2020 10:24

Seriously just block their number they will use you constantly till you have nothing left. I bet they aren't even very nice friends

ThePlantsitter · 04/01/2020 10:25

I think it's a lack of understanding/ life stage difference thing rather than cheeky fuckery. But the answer would still be no from me.