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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asking to move in, WWYD?

261 replies

kwazycupcakes · 04/01/2020 09:42

Morning everyone, has anyone else has been in a similar situation and could share their opinion please?.

DH and I are 30 and own our own home (mortgage). We have a spare bedroom. Some of our friends are in different places in their lives e.g. single or living with parents. That is fine with us, we never bring it up (although they do a few times).

We've had two different friends ask to temporarily move in with us.

Friend 1 - Lived with parents and was saving up for a deposit to rent a house, but was struggling due to all their bills (new car on finance, rent to parents etc). They knew we were decorating our spare bedroom and everytime they came over they kept asking if we'd finished decorating and hinting that if they moved in for two months they would save enough money for a deposit. Everytime they came over they would hint and asked directly a few times.

Friend 2 - Not great with money, new car on finance and latest tech gadgets etc. Has just moved into a family members caravan as it is rent free and they can sort their finances out. Caravan site closes for 6 weeks in January, so they have just asked if they can move in with us for 6 weeks.

Both of them expected to stop with us rent/bill free. And both of them expected us to say yes and that it wouldn't be a problem.

AIBU to say no? DH and I are not rich and have worked hard and saved to get to a point where we can own a house with a spare bedroom. We don't have new cars or latest tech, and we save money every month to work on the house. We are both introverts and appreciate our own space.

Also might be relevant that we are TTC so we hope the bedroom won't be 'spare' for long.

OP posts:
Hanab · 04/01/2020 14:49

A simple no should suffice ... they are CF’s For asking and as for not paying rent .. well, I have no nice words to say about that!

Loveislandaddict · 04/01/2020 14:51

Kwazy only posted this morning. Maybe she’s been out all day shopping, at the spa, walking across the pennies way, who knows.

Loveislandaddict · 04/01/2020 14:52

Pennine way,

ChristmasCarcass · 04/01/2020 14:55

“OK, great! Your half of the mortgage will be X, gas bill is Y, council tax is Z, so £800 per month ok with you?”

ImNotACuntYoureACunt · 04/01/2020 14:56

You know, it’s only on mumsnet that I ever hear about these types of people. I’ve had my fair share of sponging pisstakers in my life obviously, but the ones mentioned on mumsnet take it to a whole new level.

I honestly would have no problem telling both of these dickheads to fuck right off. And I wouldn’t be too concerned about it being awkward after or losing their friendship either.

MitziK · 04/01/2020 15:04

Absolutely no.

I fell for that one once. Friend of DP's (female, apparently gay), needed somewhere because she'd just been made homeless by her other friend just before Christmas. Needed a place for six weeks until she moved into a flat with another friend. Full time employed, earned more than double what I did, I needed the money and she was only going to be here for just over a month.

DP hated her and whilst I could tolerate her in small doses, the only reason she didn't get kicked out earlier was because I needed the money. When she paid it, that was - she jacked in her job a few weeks later. And God, the stench. I never knew a middleaged woman could smell like a combination of teenage boy, fermented herring and desperation despite taking 45 minute showers every day. Apparently, you can if you never actually wash a single item of clothing and buy new ones each time the originals need a boil wash, then put the filthy ones in bin bags to literally cover the room to a height of seven foot, sleeping in a gap between them and 17 plates of takeaway food and boiled pasta slowly decomposing around you. Well, the money and the histrionics as a result of what later turned out to be a personality disorder.

DP grew up with his grandparents renting rooms. Even somebody committing suicide in one of the bedrooms was less traumatic for them than this woman was for us.

Just no, never, never, never.

FruitcakeOfHate · 04/01/2020 15:05

'Can I move in?' 'No. We aren't in a place to accommodate sharing our home or having guests.' That's it. No sorry or excuses. These people have felt you out for a mug. The caravan person, it's his job to find alternative lodging for January, not expect to mug someone off for it. He/she keeps pushing, 'I have nowhere to go,' you say, 'That's a pity. Our home's not available for space sharing.' 'But I thought you were my friend!' 'A friend would never ask to use someone else's space. You need to make your own arrangements.' 'I have nowhere to go.' 'You're all grown up now, I'm sure you'll figure something out.'

Happysummer2020 · 04/01/2020 15:05

Absolutely no way.

This would only end badly.

Happysummer2020 · 04/01/2020 15:09

I think your friends assume it would be at no personal cost to you but its actually a massive thing to compromise on your own space. Your home is your sanctuary and if it stops being a personal space it can affect your mental health and sanity. Speaking from experience. Why should you have to put up with that invasion in your own home...

Coyoacan · 04/01/2020 15:15

I've had lots of people stay with me long term and not regretted it, BUT I invited them and they needed the help.

BinkyBaa · 04/01/2020 15:17

Overall yanbu to say no if you just dont want to. Personally I'd worry about friend 1 not having the money after two months and asking to stay indefinitely. If friend 2 was a really close friend I'd probably consider it though tbh since theres a more definite period that they need to stay in.

I know plenty of people who I'd not want to stay with me, but I've also had good friends stay for a few weeks during renovations/temporary home issues and had a nice time spending more time with them.

SusanneLinder · 04/01/2020 15:18

I'd say Haha, you do know we bought this house to escape people, not have people come and stay!
Or "God no, bad enough when relatives come for a few days..Grin

Mlou32 · 04/01/2020 15:19

You are not being unreasonable. What is unreasonable is are friends thinking that they can freeload.

Just either don't acknowledge the hints or if they've asked out right, just say sorry, we're keeping that room free for (insert whatever excuse, keeping it free for friends who stay over now and again, turning it into a nursery etc).

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/01/2020 15:35

F1 needs to pay rent. If they pay their parents. They need to pay you

F2 6w is fine. As long as happy to pay rent

Make it clear it’s for those 6w and rent is x amount

EL8888 · 04/01/2020 15:45

How old are these people?! It’s concerning that they don’t know how the world works and think it’s acceptable to freeload off you. It would be a big fat no off me

Yeah l agree about the car thing, plus their clothes, shoes, phone, memberships etc. What’s yours is theirs right?!

I’m not a fan of houseguests at all. I did more than my fair share of house and flat shares. Difference was we all paid our on way

EL8888 · 04/01/2020 15:47

@MitziK that sounds grim 🤮

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 04/01/2020 15:54

I had a very similar request just days ago.

It was a no from me.

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 04/01/2020 15:54

Say no, they want to live rent/bill free with you? But its not going to be free for you and dh is it? What about all the extra water, electricity, food, laundry etc ...it will be you and dh who has to dig deep and pay the extra cost they are costing you...also once they live their you will never get rid of them, why would they go back to paying bills and rent when they have somewhere rent free where everything is provided for free

Just say Nooooo

If they ask why, just say you and dh value your privacy and don't want lodgers or long term guests ..tell them to stay with their own families or other friends...

PurpleCrazyHorse · 04/01/2020 16:24

No from me too. I would be careful justifying it as well in case they try to solve the problem in order to stay.

I absolutely would make space for a trusted friend in emergency circumstances. Both of your friends are in their situations due to being poor with money, I wouldn't get mixed up in that at all.

Original poster
kwazycupcakes · 04/01/2020 18:42

Wow thanks for all the replies, didn't expect so many! Lots to think about, thankyou.

To answer some questions, both friends are the same age as us (30's). They both expected it to be rent free because they both said so. Friend 1 said things like 'If i lived with you and had no rent or bills to pay it would only take two months to save a deposit, what do you think?' and Friend 2 said things like 'I have no money and I'm looking for somewhere to crash for 6 weeks whilst the caravan site is closed, can I stop in your spare room?'

Scenario with Friend 1 happened a couple of months ago. She was unhappy living with her parents/getting into arguments etc. I was helping her by having her over for dinner one night in the week and viewing houses with her etc. Whenever she hinted or asked about moving in for 2 months I tried to keep it lighthearted and just shrug it off, say the room was being used as storage/not decorated yet and change the subject. I can see now that I should have been more assertive and direct. In the end, her parents lent her money for the deposit so she moved out just before Christmas. I felt guilty because she did seem unhappy, but was also not helping herself e.g. getting a cheaper car so she can save money for a deposit. It felt like she expected someone to solve all of her problems for her.

Friend 2 asked us a couple of days ago. Friend 2 is my DH old school friend and they work together currently. They went to their Christmas party and my DH offered to share a taxi and let him crash in our spare room as he lives over an hour away. We had no problem with this and he was a polite guest. I think this is probably what made him think that he could ask to stop with us for 6 weeks.

I do want to help people if I can, but I feel like they are taking the piss. I do need to learn how to handle these kinds of situations better and be more direct, I was just surprised when they asked. If one of them suddenly became homeless, I would help them get on their feet but this is different. My DH feels the same, but he is also worried it will effect his friendship with Friend 2.

We are going to tell Friend 2 'Sorry, it doesn't work for us, we are not looking for a lodger' and leave it at that.

OP posts:
JollyJlly · 04/01/2020 19:05

Highest level of cheeky fuckery!

FruitcakeOfHate · 04/01/2020 19:17

Fucking cheeky! Yep, 'Sorry, we're still working on making our house a home and aren't really available to take in anyone.' The end.

windycuntryside · 04/01/2020 19:22

Absolutely no free loaders. They will cost you money, water, electric, food. Why would you do that? And sacrifice privacy, fuck that,

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/01/2020 19:36

If it affects his relationship with friend/colleague, that’s their fault. It’s not an equal friendship if it only works for one of the people.

FruitcakeOfHate · 04/01/2020 19:44

Can't believe someone would actually ask to move in for totally free and really expect someone to have no problem with it? I mean, not even suggest rent, bills and food. That's not friends, that's freeloading. And yes, if it affects the relationship that is entirely their fault because a real friend would not dream of doing that. These people never leave, either, just come up with some excuse as to why they can't get out. If the parents are asking them to leave, it means they have ripped the p out of their own folks and their parents have had enough.