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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asking to move in, WWYD?

261 replies

kwazycupcakes · 04/01/2020 09:42

Morning everyone, has anyone else has been in a similar situation and could share their opinion please?.

DH and I are 30 and own our own home (mortgage). We have a spare bedroom. Some of our friends are in different places in their lives e.g. single or living with parents. That is fine with us, we never bring it up (although they do a few times).

We've had two different friends ask to temporarily move in with us.

Friend 1 - Lived with parents and was saving up for a deposit to rent a house, but was struggling due to all their bills (new car on finance, rent to parents etc). They knew we were decorating our spare bedroom and everytime they came over they kept asking if we'd finished decorating and hinting that if they moved in for two months they would save enough money for a deposit. Everytime they came over they would hint and asked directly a few times.

Friend 2 - Not great with money, new car on finance and latest tech gadgets etc. Has just moved into a family members caravan as it is rent free and they can sort their finances out. Caravan site closes for 6 weeks in January, so they have just asked if they can move in with us for 6 weeks.

Both of them expected to stop with us rent/bill free. And both of them expected us to say yes and that it wouldn't be a problem.

AIBU to say no? DH and I are not rich and have worked hard and saved to get to a point where we can own a house with a spare bedroom. We don't have new cars or latest tech, and we save money every month to work on the house. We are both introverts and appreciate our own space.

Also might be relevant that we are TTC so we hope the bedroom won't be 'spare' for long.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 04/01/2020 11:21

Why the hell should you subsidise their lifestyle??

Ask them that.

avocadotofu · 04/01/2020 11:23

Definitely say no!!

TheFuckingDogs · 04/01/2020 11:24

As someone who’s often had friends live with us I would just consider the silly things like shared kitchen getting annoying, not being able to walk around naked all of a sudden, if it’s time limited it’s not always a bad thing but not for everyone 😊

Loveislandaddict · 04/01/2020 11:25

Is the caravan on a holiday site? If so, I thought there were rules on how long you could live there. I don’t think a permanent site would close down for six weeks.

So no 2 could also be longer than six weeks also.

Point them in the direction of sparerooms.co.uk

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/01/2020 11:27

We have helped people out at times but they weren’t taking the piss. Like a PP we live in London so we have let people stay if they move to London and need some time to get sorted.

I might consider helping out the second person for the six weeks but with very clear ground rules about contributing to living expenses and leaving at the end of the six weeks.

The first person can get stuffed.

MyKingdomForBrie · 04/01/2020 11:29

You're introverts and like you're own space so no, YANBU at all. Even if you loved company you'd still be absolutely fine to say no and it's really cheeky of them to ask, especially the first ones wanting to avoid paying anything at all for their living space!

When I lived with my ex we had a friend of his lodging for ages and it wasn't much fun to be honest, and he was paying (token amount but still).

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/01/2020 11:29

IIRC Some caravan sites have to close for a certain amount of time each year so the residents aren’t classed as permanently resident.

Drum2018 · 04/01/2020 11:29

100% no! Not even the caravan friend who claims it's for 6 weeks - they will inevitably get too comfortable in your home and come up with further excuses to stay. You don't need to give excuses to these people. You just tell them very simply 'No, that wouldn't suit us'. They can't argue with that or try to compromise as you are not giving reasons. Bloody cheek of them!

Butchyrestingface · 04/01/2020 11:31

Both of them expected to stop with us rent/bill free. And both of them expected us to say yes and that it wouldn't be a problem.

Mein Gott, you know some cheeky cunts. Shock. That’s assuming, of course, there isn’t some torturous backstory in the offing - like, each of your pals gave you and hubz a kidney?

I know you say that you never bring up your living arrangements (although your friends do), but perhaps you should start moaning about your mortgage. It appears your cheeky cunt mates think you’re rolling in it.

That’s if you want to keep them as friends, of course (plenty wouldn’t).

WaggleWiggle · 04/01/2020 11:32

‘That doesn’t work for us, no. Why not? Because we don’t want to. Why don’t we want to? Because it does not work for us.’

Repeat until the cheeky fuckers get the message.

RhinoskinhaveI · 04/01/2020 11:33

Id just tell them that if I decide I want a lodger I'll let them know, but don't hold their breath 😊
Absolutely no way at all, why don't they just look for a house share? Could be because it's easier to manipulate and exploit your friends than it is complete strangers?
They must think you're a soft touch... put them straight 🙂

chocolicious · 04/01/2020 11:33

YANBU.Say no and stick to your guns.Why should you put them up rent and bill free. Ask them to pay rent and bills and see what they say.

MatildaTheCat · 04/01/2020 11:35

No, we are enjoying living alone as a couple and won’t be changing our minds. Good luck with finding somewhere more suitable.

EnidPrunehat · 04/01/2020 11:35

Just say 'I'm afraid this wouldn't work for us'. Don't be drawn further. Good friends wouldn't be persistent freeloaders.

Butterymuffin · 04/01/2020 11:41

So if they expect you to cover all bills and not charge rent, what else will they expect? To eat your food, use your teabags, get their choice of TV viewing? It would be a nightmare. Say you aren't up for taking in lodgers.

Junie70 · 04/01/2020 11:41

My (former) best friend came and stayed with us "for a month" when he got divorced and the former marital home sold. He didn't give us a penny towards food, bills so he could save, was sleeping on our sofa and took over our dining room and garage with all his stuff, which made life awkward but he got on well with DH and the first few months were OK.

6 months later, he was still here. And DH had very understandably had enough, telling me that I had to deal with it. So I had a very awkward conversation saying that he'd overstayed his welcome and he had 2 weeks to find somewhere.

Our friendship never recovered, as he took it really personally that I'd left him "homeless" as he called it. I did question where 6 months of his wages had gone, seeing as he hadn't paid us a penny......... turns out he was having an affair with another friend in the village (I had no clue) and spending all his money on hotel rooms/dinners/gifts for this woman. He wasn't even paying his child maintenance. Absolutely broke my heart that I'd read him so very very wrong.

You really learn about people when you live with them....... and often it's not good.

Supersimkin2 · 04/01/2020 11:42

Both men, aren't they?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/01/2020 11:43

I had a friend stay with me for a few weeks, as she'd broken up with her partner. She paid rent, she paid her share of bills but boy was she messy!!
It was only temporary, just while she found another place, but at least she paid her way. The mess was a bit irritating (it was like having a teenaged boy living there) but y'know, nothing drastc.

Thing was though that I usually took in lodgers, so I guess she knew that, by taking one of my rooms, she was depriving me of lodger income, so she paid her way AS a lodger.

I wouldn't have anyone stay for longer than a few days who expected to do it free gratis, unless they were in dire trouble themselves.

cakeandchampagne · 04/01/2020 11:45

Say no!

rookiemere · 04/01/2020 11:45

I would just say to both of them that you value their friendship too much to have them as lodgers. Tell them you've heard some awful storieson mumsnet where friends staying have destroyed a close relationship and you don't want that to happen, no no you can't even discuss it as their friendship means so much to you. That should learn them.

Ishotmrburns · 04/01/2020 11:46

It's very rarely a good idea to rent a room out to friends. Also it sound like neither of these people is very responsible. So that's a double no from me.

RhinoskinhaveI · 04/01/2020 11:46

He took it personally that I had left him 'homeless'
I think once you let someone like that move in, in their mind you become their mum and you have to look after them😲
Just don't go there ever 🙈

KarmaStar · 04/01/2020 11:50

Yanbu,next time they mention it say"oh we have noticed you want to move in temporarily so we have come up with the costs and house rules if you'd like to have a look and if you are happy we can get a legal agreement drawn up"with a flourish hand over costs for council tax,water,heating etc and some very stringent house rules.
See how long it takes them to find their parents much more invitingSmile

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/01/2020 11:51

"Both of them expected to stop with us rent/bill free. And both of them expected us to say yes and that it wouldn't be a problem."
I'd have laughed in their face and told them to fuck off with their expectation that I would subsidise their responsibility-shirking choices.

But you have also said "We are both introverts and appreciate our own space" so you're not going to do that. Maybe you both need to practice for the next time either these two (or some other chancer) tries it again.

I liked StripeyDeckchair suggestion of "If they ask directly then the answer is we value our space and privacy more than the rent we would get for the room so no we will not be renting it out to anyone." It kills two birds with one stone - an absolute no, and the taking for granted that rent would be paid.

Honestly, you need to practice saying this so that it just kicks in automatically when you're next asked/hinted to. Either in the mirror or to each other so that you can assess each other's performance.

Oh, and these two are NOT your friends.

GoddessOfTransformativeWrath · 04/01/2020 11:57

Oh that would be so annoying and it would change the feel of your home totally.

say ''no sorry we like it just the two of us''