To want to see my friend without her very young children?

[Festivefrolicsnextyear]

My friend has a four year old and a two year old. Since she had them, I’ve seen her without them twice for a concert that tickets were already booked for. I’ve never seen her without both children since she had the youngest.

I have kids myself and I know how these threads go - she’s married, with a supportive husband, both her parents and sister are alive and live locally, her PILs are also alive and live locally. I’ve been at their house due to go out for lunch with her dh there and watching telly and she’s still packed the children up to come out with us.

They are lovely kids. But they are still young kids. They walk slowly. They need naps. They interrupt constantly.

I think it’s just a fixed habit by now - they go where she goes.

Is there a polite way of saying ‘shall we do X and don’t bring the kids?’

You’re a hardier woman than me!

Her friend doesn’t want to meet up in the evening either. OP has said as much several times...but yet posters still turn up to chide her for her reluctance to meet in the evening.

HER FRIEND DOESN’T WANT TO MEET HER IN THE EVENING.

I REPEAT

HER FRIEND DOESN’T WANT TO MEET HER IN THE EVENING.

Ok then, sorry to shout but ffs.

How old are your children, OP?

I know pitsch, I know!

Similar age ish crow

I'm in your friend's boat.

My parents live locally but both work full-time and don't want to spend weekends or evenings helping me.

My in-laws prioritise their daughters children and always come up with excuses for me.

My DH is self employed and works long hours. Due to him working long hours, I find when he is occasionally off work both my DC want me. I seem to understand them better due to being the hands on parent, and they both automatically look to mummy to take care of them, and play with them.

Both DC get upset if grandparents or DH have to look after them.

It really is relentless. I work part-time but have always been parent to do nursery/ school drop offs and pick ups. I nearly always have my DC with me when not working.

Sometimes getting time away is easier said than done.

I haven’t come across a thread so heavy on posters seemingly refusing to take any notice of the OP before.

No, you’re really NOT in my friends boat, hairy

But in all honesty you might find the kids stop looking automatically to mummy if you do sometimes lave them with dad.

You wouldn’t B at all U to suggest to her that you spend some childfree time together, she WNBU to refuse. She doesn’t owe you her childfree time.

YABU not to have mentioned this to her before.

As Pictish has helpfully said the friend does not want to go out in the evening.

The op doesnt not want to go out with the friends DC during the day.

It seems an impasse has been reached.

These things happen op, new friends and broadening of horizons is needed. Posters saying crap like 'I can't view women who don't want to spend some quality adult time away from their children with anything other than utter contempt' must be ignored, there is no need to view anyone with utter contempt.

Wow, you don't sound like a very nice friend

Why, because she wants to be an adult for a while? I really can't understand women who are still surgically attached to their children. The next thing is that there'll be 'separation anxiety', of course, they've never been given a chance to be separated.

If your kids are a similar age why can't you just take yours too? Surely that would cause much less resentment on your end and allow your to preserve the friendship through this stage of life.

I understand your frustration with her but given you're unwilling to challenge her on it, why not just embrace it.

When I saw the title of this thread I thought it might be about me! I have two DC also aged 4 and 2, and when I meet friends for daytime dates outside of work, usually have at least one DC with me (tends to be the older one as my toddler is an absolute riot when out).

I do this because DH and I have no childcare nearby. We feel guilty leaving both DC with just one of us; they are quite a handful and it means we can go out and not feel too guilty if we're splitting the childcare (tbf it's usually me meeting friends, DH normally meets his at night). I also like to take DD out, normally she's pretty well behaved although yes, she is 4 and so isn't always inclined to do what we want to do!

My time to myself is very limited and if I have a child free day, I'm either going to want to spend it on my own and getting some much needed me time, or with DH if he's off too. So not much time to catch up with friends (especially now that DD's classes take up most of the weekend).

That said, I do try to keep meet ups child free where I can, and will be free for evening catch ups with those I think would prefer me to be child free. Pre kids my heart would always sink when friends turned up with kids in tow, love seeing them bit it's definitely not conducive to having a no holds barred gossip! And I am a much better friend when I'm child free...

I guess it is about flexibility of meeting up. It is tricky so I don't think you are BU.

If your kids are a similar age why can't you just take yours too?

We don't know that they are, do we? I assumed not.

@Festivefrolicsnextyear have you thought of asking her to go out during the evening instead of the day? Maybe while out you could try and find out if her husband is abusive and that's why she can't leave the child with him? Surprised no one else has mentioned it as a solution to be honest.

They have mentioned it and OP has replied on that subject!

Well Crow asked how old OP's kids were and she replied "Similar age ish", which I took to mean a similar age to the friend's kids MyOtherProfile.

Her husband can bloody well look after HIS OWN CHILDREN!!! You just need to tell her, I need a child free catch up. If she makes excuses she clearly has issues.

@MyDcAreMarvel are you serious? Are you actually insinuating it makes the OP a bad parent? Get a grip!!

If you were my friend I would totally understand why you would want child free time and wouldnt feel offended by you asking.I would just day something and say "why don't we get away from the kids and husbands for evening and plan something exciting" Surely she cant be that sensitive. The other thing is as I have had to in recent years maybe accept that your friendship has drifted and you are both at different stages in your lives.Its fine for her to want to be with her children all the time but it is also fine for you to leave yours at home and to ask her to do the same. If your friendship so long standing it should take a at least you asking the question.

The amount of people on this thread who won't leave their kids with their dad for a few hours is fucking hilarious.

I suspect the friend gets her child free time during the week o r in the evening. Mine are much older (13&15) and I would feel trecherous pissing off for a coffee on a saturday afternoon.

Wow, you don't sound like a very nice friend

Bollocks.

Yanbu OP at all.

The amount of people on this thread who won't leave their kids with their dad for a few hours is fucking hilarious

There’s a big difference between ‘oh I couldn’t possibly’ and ‘I don’t want to’ though isn’t there?

Yes a parent should feel the other parent is capable but they’re also fully entitled to want to spend their time with their kids (especially weekend daytime) instead of sodding off for coffees alone with friends who don’t want to meet at more child friendly time (like weekday evenings).

Weekday evenings are not more child friendly times.

They might be for you

They are not for us