To want to see my friend without her very young children?

[Festivefrolicsnextyear]

My friend has a four year old and a two year old. Since she had them, I’ve seen her without them twice for a concert that tickets were already booked for. I’ve never seen her without both children since she had the youngest.

I have kids myself and I know how these threads go - she’s married, with a supportive husband, both her parents and sister are alive and live locally, her PILs are also alive and live locally. I’ve been at their house due to go out for lunch with her dh there and watching telly and she’s still packed the children up to come out with us.

They are lovely kids. But they are still young kids. They walk slowly. They need naps. They interrupt constantly.

I think it’s just a fixed habit by now - they go where she goes.

Is there a polite way of saying ‘shall we do X and don’t bring the kids?’

Maybe she thinks that you are perfectly happy to go out with the children, seeing as you haven't said anything to her?

For us, Saturdays were always the chore day, so shopping, housework, DIY etc. When the children had parties or hobbies one of us would take the children and the other crack on with whatever needed doing at home. Could that be happening here? Friend and husband have stuff to do at the weekend so while she's out, having taken the children, he gets on with what needs doing at home?

How long do you want to meet up for, only your objection around going out in the evening includes travelling time so I'm assuming you're looking at a good 3 hours at least on a Saturday - an hour travelling and 2 hours with friend - which is writing off practically the whole day.

Maybe she'd be more open to this if it was just once every 6 weeks say, rather than every other weekend?

I think the only way to resolve it though is to speak to her about it. I do think you are both being equally inflexible which isn't helping

I don’t understand why everyone is so fixated on when you meet since that isn’t the problem!

It’s how to let her know you’d like to meet without the kids and not make her mad.

Can you just text and say “I really need a break from domestic responsibilities and children! And I’d love to catch up with you. Any chance you’d like to grab a quick drink some weekend night or Sunday afternoon soon?”

Then see what happens? At least you’d be giving the clear message that you mean no kids without making it sound like it’s just her kids you don’t want to see.

No, 73, I do know. Bloody hell!

How do you KNOW she doesn't want to meet you in the evening. What has she actually said?

I don’t understand why everyone is so fixated on when you meet since that isn’t the problem!

I think because for many of us that was the only time when our kids were little. I have a supportive OH but he had work and DIY to do (only way we could afford a home was to get a do-er upper) and so I would not leave the kids with him at the weekend to do something the kids could come to. There are many reasons (other than him being a lazy sod) which could explain why it just does not work for someone to socialise child-free in the day. I would never have seen my friends, child-free, if they were not willing to meet me in the evening.

YANBU in any shape or form. Of course it is nice to sometimes do something without the very young kids in tow. If her DH was that supportive he might encourage her to do something whilst he looks after the kids. I know I wouldn't leave my child with his father when he was that young because he's not a people person let alone occupying a young child and I would be thinking about the poor thing suffering (of course much older now so not a problem). However, being a friend of some 3 decades, I think she would understand if you put it to her. You could do it in such a way that she can choose to be with her kids and then you'd know for sure. You could say something to the effect "Is there any chance of us doing something without the little little-uns or would you prefer to always bring them along as I don't mind either way really but would be nice to have some alone time once in a while. Cos sometimes people don't have that support to help with the kids to give them some alone time with friends. Just that we've been friends for so long it would be nice to have some alone time but I thoroughly understand if it's a bit difficult or you prefer to have the kids around - I'm still your friend either way". Either do it or don't and never know and wait until the kids are older. When I use to have my child in tow with childless friends, yes it was difficult because they didn't understand the amount of attention that young children need from their faces - not that I cared but you have a child so you can empathise. DH if any good should be able to baby sit the kids and effectively keep them occupied as it took two to have the children. So he's just taking advantage and may be this suggests that things aren't as rosy as they seem. Women after having kids sometimes realise that their DH is less than reasonable when was without kids in that they present all of these personality problems of lack of understanding and think about themselves. I've always said that having children will test the person you are and make you realise the person you are (if not narcissitic!)

I do understand that timing is important, but I think OP can figure that part out. It’s how to convey that she wants to spend time together without the children. Because If she doesn’t get that point across the friend is going to bring them.

Oh my god 73

Look, she doesn’t go out in the evenings much at all. When she does, it tends to be with the mummy friends, and I’m talking maybe 3 times a year. That’s life when you’ve got young kids, I’m in the same boat.

YANBU. I have a very good friend and still do despite going on for 8 years of this sort of thing. All meet ups are with the kids. I love the kids and am Godmother to her daughter. I know it’s difficult for her so I fit in around what she can do.

I was pissed recently when she announced she was going away with some school mums (school gate, kids activities acquaintances) for a weekend abroad at one of the mums holiday home.

All stops pulled out to accommodate this by busy important job husband, MIL roped in to help the poor man to look after his kids for a whole weekend.

@Festivefrolicsnextyear honestly just suggest an adult only catch up .... as you feel like you haven’t had a proper conversation in a while with her and you miss her .... I imagine she knows this is the case ... I only have a 1 year old and only met my best friend 4 times since he was born and she has only seen him twice ( one as a new born and once at his first birthday party as she kindly baked his cake ) by my choice because I wanted to actually catch up with my friend.

@Festivefrolicsnextyear - unless she is very sensitive I very much doubt she would be offended at you saying 'do you fancy a child-free lunch next weekend?' Does she not think it odd that you give up your child-free time to hang out with her children, though?

Cinema is still fun with a friend - you chat before and get a drink and have a chat after including having someone to talk about the film with.

You say you would like to meet up on a weekened evening and she meets up with other friends. So what does she say if you ask 'Fancy a glass of wine Saturday evening?'

i have similar prob with my friend but its her dgc she thinks she has to bring with her she has 3 i have 3 i dont bring mine do why would she think i want hers there . sorry but i want selfish adult time

I find it a bit odd that people would always prioritise shopping and DIY over a bit of socialising without the kids. Shopping can be done online, and the house will survive one week without progress being made on a project.

Look, she doesn’t go out in the evenings much at all. When she does, it tends to be with the mummy friends, and I’m talking maybe 3 times a year. That’s life when you’ve got young kids, I’m in the same boat.

But that doesn't mean that she won't, just because she doesn't currently do it.

You're just assuming because you don't want to go out in the evenings which is, of course up to you. Just don't think you should be blaming your friend for this situation when it seems you are both contributing to it. You won't do evenings and she won't do child free weekend daytimes - you're just in different places

@HannaYeah - I suppose as it is clear the friend is able to have child-free time in the evenings and the OP seems to think she would be offended by specifically asking for a child-free meet up so I guess meeting in the evening seems the easiest solution.

I find it a bit odd that people would always prioritise shopping and DIY over a bit of socialising without the kids. Shopping can be done online, and the house will survive one week without progress being made on a project.

I'm sure the op has said every week/every other week in one of her posts. Plus, there are no doubt other commitments to fit in too like visiting family, or other friends as a family so maybe they do have to multi task at weekends eg dad has to do the washing and the shopping while mum meets op with DC so that they can go and visit grandma on Sunday.

If the only thing the family had to do at the weekend was factor in mum seeing op then that's different.

Is she one if those mums who feels her husband couldn't possible manage looking after his own children for a few hours or his job is so important his free time is precious or she's the mum so she just HAS to be the one looking after them all the time because that's her God given role?? These are often one of the unspoken scenarios in these situations. This would boil my piss.

Maybe she doesn't want to leave her children!
Although you have kids doesn't mean you have a better understanding of HER family dynamic.
Why can't you organise something that's kid friendly?

YANBU. I have five grandkids and for years my eldest son’s partner won’t do anything without her two daughters. Her mum has always been a very willing baby sitter but no, the kids have had to come.

My son has, from time to time, arranged a meal out for either mine or my husband’s birthdays and frankly, these ‘adult’ meals have been spoiled by having the kids there. It’s impossible to have any sort of conversation with the girls’ constantly interrupting and DIL giving them all her attention.

Once, her mum, not me, dug her heels in and said that her daughter needed a child free evening. We booked a nice restaurant and within minutes of sitting down, my older granddaughter who was about nine at the time was phoning her mum to see what time they’d be back. We all ended up rushing our meal so they could go home early.

My older granddaughter is now fifteen, the younger one is eight and the relationship between the older one and her mother is worrying. Her mother is an overbearing helicopter mother and my granddaughter speaks to her like crap. It’s clear to us that the girl wants to loosen the ties but her mother clings on like a limpet. Example - granddaughter and school friends agreed to book an escape room as a joint treat just before Christmas. Guess who insisted on going with them? Yes, her stupid mother! None of the other girls’ mums went and my granddaughter was really embarrassed.

You are absolutely nbu! If I get a sitter I don't want to hang out with different children.

Why? Adult time is definately needed in friendships

Wow! Your friend sounds like I did when my children were young, both sets of parents didn’t live far but all had full time jobs, my DH worked very long hours so my children came everywhere with me even to doctors appointments, sometimes it is difficult to find childcare, perhaps she may have separation anxiety? I didn’t have many friends though & was very isolated!

Every other week is quite full on. There aren’t many friends I want to meet up with so often, with or without the children.

You're not unreasonable for wanting to see your friend child-free, but at the same time she isn't unreasonable to not want to leave them. Perhaps she hasn't realised it's an issue? Maybe say something like previous posters have suggested along the lines of "fancy a child free catch up, maybe a movie and drinks?" If one of my friends messaged me this I wouldn't think they just didn't like my kids, I'd think they just wanted some time away from their own!

There might be a link between those statements, boz

I do know enough about her after THIRTY YEARS to know her parents and retired and do look after the kids, ditto ILs and um, they have a dad.

But they might well all have things to do for a few hours every other Saturday. I think you are expecting quite a lot of you want her to arrange child care every other Saturday tbh. She's got other calls on her time as well as just you.