To want to see my friend without her very young children?

[Festivefrolicsnextyear]

My friend has a four year old and a two year old. Since she had them, I’ve seen her without them twice for a concert that tickets were already booked for. I’ve never seen her without both children since she had the youngest.

I have kids myself and I know how these threads go - she’s married, with a supportive husband, both her parents and sister are alive and live locally, her PILs are also alive and live locally. I’ve been at their house due to go out for lunch with her dh there and watching telly and she’s still packed the children up to come out with us.

They are lovely kids. But they are still young kids. They walk slowly. They need naps. They interrupt constantly.

I think it’s just a fixed habit by now - they go where she goes.

Is there a polite way of saying ‘shall we do X and don’t bring the kids?’

I have 4 kids and I expect I would t have maintained the friendships I have if I constantly dragged them along on outings , absolutely no reason your friend can’t come for a coffee with you without them in tow . I sometimes take the kids but check with friends first but of my husband is in the kids would rather stay with him than be taken to the shops or a cafe . The people saying they couldn’t possible be separated from their precious darlings and suggesting the op is the wrong sort of mother for not doing the same need therapy .

Tbh if you managed to pry her away from the kids she'd probably spend the whole time talking about them, or checking up on them anyway.
For some parents the focus is total - at least for a few yeas. I might be wrong but I think it's not so much that she doesn't want to spend time with you as she can't really SEE you right now as she's gone into total kid focus mode.

Maybe if you leave her to it for a while she'll wake up one day and notice all the things and people in her life that got side-lined for a bit.

Sorry but its part of motherhood, some mums want to be with their kids asmuch as they can, I do, yes my hubby ia more than capable and my as S is 6, so he has to go to school, I hate school for stealing him from me, but I know its good for him. If my friends asked to ditch my kids just for the sake of it I'd ditch her. Like you said she has gone to concerts with you free of kids so she isn't been selfish, thats more than you would get from me, I'd be looking for a child friendly concert or not goibg, nobody comes between me and my baby. If you want to stay friends accept she chooses not to dump the kids and go out, maybe bring your own kids along.

And if she declines but goes out with other friends at weekends then I think she isn't as invested in the friendship as you are. She's happy to see you while she's with the kids as it makes time with them easier as there is someone to chat to/help but not really interested in spending her time child free with you and having a more in-depth friendship.

It’s not part of motherhood never being able to leave them for an hour or two caramelmama don’t project your own situation onto someone else .

For all those people who cannot be separated from their kids for one evening, that is so not healthy, for you or your kids. They are separate human beings not appendages. Ask your friend for a child free evening, YANBU

Not unreasonable. I have a friend who does something similar. Always assumes I'm happy to go to hers with her lovely young daughter there. But then I see her on social media out and about on the razz. Only way to deal with it is arrange a night out in a pub somewhere. Say you need it. Can't see why she would have a problem with it.

Exactly nannyoggs newborn baby I can understand someone being attached to and having to feed bit past the age of 1 or so it’s not healthy to be making out that no one else understands your child for you or them .

I think it’s just that when she does go out in the evenings at weekends it’s with a big group of mummy friends, I have got the message that she’s not invested but it’s a bit upsetting to keep reading it

I had a friend like this. I quite often turned up at a get together with friends thinking that it would just be us adults having a proper catch up and she would bring her daughter along. It changed the whole dynamic of the get together as all the focus was on the little girl. It annoyed me as I had made arrangements for someone to look after my son so that we could meet up child free. It is not unreasonable to want to meet up with friends and it be adults only. It doesnt make you or I a bad friend because occasionally we dont want children there. I think you are going to to have to bite the bullet in future and be clear if you want a child free catch up with your friend and accept that for the other occasions she will want to bring her child along.

YANBU op, at all. I really feel for women who don’t put effort into maintaining their friendships while their children are small. Many of them must end up in a very lonely place when their children are grown.

Ask her to go and see a horror film and have dinner too so you can talk. Then say we should do this more often just the two of us and add how you would love to go for a day out with her and the children in the summer holidays and do go for the day and make the most of it.

@Festivefrolicsnextyear. it must be upsetting. And I wonder if it is because your friendship has dwindled that you feel unable to ask for a child free lunch? Because it is a really normal thing to suggest and strange you feel she would be offended?

The other thought I had is - does she not invite you out on the evening meet-ups because she thinks you are completely anti-going out in the evening? You did seem completely against it on this thread saying you couldn't (not didn't want to but actually couldn't) go out in the evening because you work and weekends are family time. I was really suprised you said you wouldn't mind going out in the evening after seeming adamant that you 'couldn't'. Maybe your friend has picked up on that?

Ask her what night would suit just 2 of you can she let you know. If its no go I stop chasing her then.

I have a deal with oh - take the kids once a week so I can have ADULT time. Yes, I adore and love them but I also need me time. It's called self care. Kids TV, routines and damn hard work is tedious. I think it's an assumption that mum's have to bring their kids on every meet up. No, they don't and if the oh can't give her a bit of time for herself on occasion then she should be asking why. Not unreasonable at all. As others have said text her and ask if she wants to go to the cinema in the evening or for a girls day out. I remember that people stopped texting me because they assumed that I would be too busy to do anything. My bf messaged one day and said 'I've got the day off, fancy lunch and some shopping without the minion' I actually cried with relief. I didn't ask oh. He was at home and I told him I was going out. It broke my routine and it's now a regular thing. Ask her and you may be surprised at her reaction. Shit friend, NO. You just want some quality time with her and there's nothing wrong with that, as you may find she wants the same.

Would a play date at yours or soft play work? So all the kids go off and play and leave you time to catch up?

It does sound like she wants to bring her kids, so working with that and carving out space to talk?

I've definitely lost friends since I had kids, it's hard to fit work, family, chores, hobbies and friends in. Life is so busy.

I think it would be perfectly reasonable to say something to her. But I also think that you re coming across as really inflexible about evenings. You don't get up massively early and you get in from work much earlier than many. You have an OH who can look after the children so it would be really possible to meet up with your friend between 6:30 and 7:30 and have a drink (doesn't have to be alcohol) and a proper catch up and still be home by 8:30 - 9:30. It sounds like you need a lot of sleep - fair enough, some people do. But this does not rule out any evening socialising - it's you that's doing that. You may be right that your friend also does not want that but perhaps you need to be open to the possibility if you and her are going to be able to solve this challenge together. If you broach the subject with her you will probably be able to gauge whether she is up for the idea or actually just bringing the kids along as she sometimes doesn't know what to say to you or something.

@youkiddingme - except she isn't in total 'kid focus mode' because she goes out with other friends child-free

YANBU to want to see your friend on her own and you're certainly not a bad person or a bad friend, regardless of the standard, melodramatic responses to your question from the usual MN mafia.

Some people only want to spend time with their kids and husband, some need more. You and I are in "need more" category and there is zero wrong with that despite what some of these witches will tell you; I love my hubs but I would quite happily give up one of my days with him to have coffee with a friend because A) I have a life outside of my family and B ) my friends are VERY important to me. They are the family I choose for myself and I treat them accordingly.

As far as I'm concerned only people with no life and no meaningful friends retreat into their home life.

Just put the feelers out: do you fancy an evening out just the 2 of us, we could do cinema and/or dinner?

I agree with treading carefully just in case she has lost some of her confidence post babies, it's easily done and hard to get out of.

*Her friend doesn’t want to meet up in the evening either. OP has said as much several times...but yet posters still turn up to chide her for her reluctance to meet in the evening.

HER FRIEND DOESN’T WANT TO MEET HER IN THE EVENING.

I REPEAT

HER FRIEND DOESN’T WANT TO MEET HER IN THE EVENING.

Ok then, sorry to shout but ff*

Actually we don't know that. That's what the OP thinks. Seems to be an assumption though rather than stemming from an actual conversation as far as I can tell.

Not very often, tbf, cedar but she has had a couple of nights out.

To be honest, if I wanted to see something at the cinema badly I would go on my own, I wouldn’t use a night out for that as you can’t really chat.

No, 73, I do know. Bloody hell!

Also why not bring your children with you if she has hers. At least then they could play together and you'd have more time to chat if hers were less bored.

if she doesn't want to go out without children, buy them a small gift to keep them occupied - I always found that sticker books, or colouring books & crayons if they're likely to eat the stickers.
Worked well - just had to look across and say "Mmm, lovely" now and then.

Yeah that's a tough one. I'd second asking her out for an evening.

When I got pregnant an older Mum said to me 'don't forget to stay being Boule, not just a mother.' I think it's important.