To want to see my friend without her very young children?

[Festivefrolicsnextyear]

My friend has a four year old and a two year old. Since she had them, I’ve seen her without them twice for a concert that tickets were already booked for. I’ve never seen her without both children since she had the youngest.

I have kids myself and I know how these threads go - she’s married, with a supportive husband, both her parents and sister are alive and live locally, her PILs are also alive and live locally. I’ve been at their house due to go out for lunch with her dh there and watching telly and she’s still packed the children up to come out with us.

They are lovely kids. But they are still young kids. They walk slowly. They need naps. They interrupt constantly.

I think it’s just a fixed habit by now - they go where she goes.

Is there a polite way of saying ‘shall we do X and don’t bring the kids?’

For whatever reason, she prefers not to. Could be she does not like leaving the children with someone who doesn't look after them properly and meeting you is not worth the aggro and hassle of sorting childcare or moaning about the mental load afterwards. Could be she hasn't noticed that you find her children's pain. Could be she likes talking to them and likes the dynamic of you all being there.

Maybe it's time you moved on from the friendship. You sound like you are not on the same page as her, and no good comes of constantly wondering why people don't do what you want them to do.

I have had this but long term-i accepted it when df son was young she is a LP but now hes nearly 16 she still brings him everywhere-i subtly say oh woldnt he be bored with us chatting all the time-she jsut says oh no he likes it he doesnt like mjissing out-on whati dont know but ive cut back on seeing her because tbh i dontg want to sit in a pub or resturant with a 16 year old in tow everytime-also brings him to cncerts because he apprently likes everyone she likes

Mine are older now but assuming no SAHP then weekend daytimes have DC sports practice/ matches/ compitiions, children's birthday parties, food shopping, any other shopping (eg random bits of uniform, sports kit, DIY stuff), homework, laundry, housework as well as 6 meals to prepare/ clear away.

What time are you invisaging this 2 hour childfree daytime coffee slot to be ? I could offer you 7:30-9:30 am on sunday (usual run time) or between 5-7pm on a saturday during termtime. Otherwise both DH and I are busy doing things for the family.

However I could meet you between 7 and 9 any night next week.

Yanbu. I don’t think it’s rude at all to say let’s do something kid-free but if you think she’d be upset by it then your choice is between putting up with the kids, risking upsetting her or not seeing her.

If you think she’s going to be upset with the idea of leaving/being asked to leave her kids behind, I’d just put up with the kids. I had a friend that brought her husband out with her every time we saw her. when it was suggested that he stay home sometimes, we didn’t really see her again. Unless her kids are so awful that you can’t bear being around them (which doesn’t seem to be the case), it’s probably not worth the risk.

I suspect that I may be like the OP’s friend. When she had young children, I was her reliable, younger, childless friend (I am ten years younger). Now she has teenagers who need lifts but not a whole lot of supervision and I have primary aged children.

I do see her without the children but if I have a day and a night to myself, I make sure I see a few people in that time. It also only happens about three or four times a year.

Realistically, once her children are in school, they’ll have parties and football / gymnastics / ice skating at the weekend.

She is being unreasonable but tbh you sound just as inflexible.

Feel your pain OP. My two close friends have one DC each of the same age (4) and I haven't seen either of them on their own since their respective DC were born.

Both are married but "cannot leave" their DC with their husbands for various reasons: they are not used to be left with dad, DH panics if the child gets upset and cannot cope with tantrums, DH works long hours and is too tired...the list goes on. We cannot meet without their DC in tow day or evening. I find it quite sad particularly when they tell me I'm so lucky I can leave my DC with DP and he is a superhero for staying with the DC when I go out, travel for work etc. This attitude that men who look after their own children deserve a medal is ridiculous.

I'm baffled by the posters on this thread who never leave their DC with their husbands/partners tbh. I wonder if there's an element of some women enjoying the control? One of my aforementioned friends weirdly seems quite smug when she tells me she can't leave her DS with his dad because dad is completely useless and doesn't know how to dress him

Just because her parents in laws sister live locally doesn't mean they can be used as childcare. My dad, sister mum and kids other grandparents all live in same town as me but my mums the only one who will have my kids for me. Your not being unreasonable wanting child free time, but maybe she doesn't have as many options as you think she does?

Just because her parents in laws sister live locally doesn't mean they can be used as childcare. My dad, sister mum and kids other grandparents all live in same town as me but my mums the only one who will have my kids for me. Your not being unreasonable wanting child free time, but maybe she doesn't have as many options as you think she does?

That's fine but the Dad is at home. He needs to step up.

@Janemarpling says who?

He may be a great husband and dad, maybe it's the friend that just Doesn't want to leave her kids? And wether the husband needs to step up or not is none of the ops business, that's for the friend to decide.

I don’t think the op is being unreasonable. Seriously. My kids are now 9 and 11. I’ve been out with friends in the evening and leaving the kids with my DH since they were very small. Honestly it’s really pathetic when you can’t leave your kids with their dad. I bet the friend’s DH goes out without the kids.

But the OP dosen't want to go out at night she wants to go for a childless coffee on midday on saturday

I can understand the OP's frustration, but if she wants a daytime child free meet up with her friend, there is going to be the issue about who will look after the DC. When my DDs were preschoolers, meeting up with mum friends (and my DSis), we always had the kids with us. We went to soft play places. It wouldn't have been possible to go out without my DDs during the daytime, it would have had to be in the evening or on a Saturday.

It had to be when my DH was at home, otherwise it wasn't possible. My DH has always been accommodating, but it wouldn't have been fair on him to do it very often, as our DDs were very hyper at that time.

Tell her that you want to chat about adult issues that aren't suitable for little ears. Then ask her about a good time to meet without the children.

Not sure if I read this right - but you said she does want to go out in the evening but with 'mummy friends'?

I don't think you're unreasonable atall to suggest a child free lunch and don't see why she would be offended

But I do agree you are quite inflexible in that you won't go out on a weekend evening because that is 'family time' - does it have to be every single weekend evening?
And you can't go out on a week day evening because you work. Well, so do lots of people. You really couldn't manage a quiet coffee or glass of wine for an hour after work?

Maybe the compromise is an early drink and be home by 8. I gave up with 2 pals was either kids naps time or something else! Its give and take! But maybe thats her routine now to bring them places. No easy answers.

@pictish - although the OP does say the friend goes out in the evening with other friends. So clearly she does want to go out in the evenings but just not with OP. Or she does want to go out in the evenings with OP but OP doesn't want to.

Janemarpling says who?

Women!

I know you say her husband is supportive but you don't really know the dynamics of their home life - we only see what we see from the outside, there could be any reason why she prefers to take the children out with her and as for the grandparents, they may live locally but that doesn't necessarily mean they are available for childcare - i don't know how old they are but maybe they just can't manage young children at their age, it could be any number of reasons. The best thing you can do is ask your friend if it would be possible and if not why, and is there anything you can do to help?

Be careful how you phrase it or you will sound horrid. "How about a girls night out, just the 2 of us?" Sounds much better than, "when can I see you without the kids"

I actually think it’s really weird that she knows you won’t be bringing your kids but she still does.

I’d be happy to go out weekend evenings

@Festivefrolicsnextyear - why not suggest that then if you want a child free meet-up?

But there’s a hole in my bucket, dear Liza ...