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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or did new guy overstep boundaries

184 replies

OverThinker1981 · 04/01/2020 07:29

I have a tendency to overthink situations, so I'm not sure, about this one. I'm a single mum with two young primary age children, and I've recently decided to start dating again. I have been seeing a new man for around 4 weeks. We decided from the start to take things slow. Thursday is not my usual work day but a friend of mine swapped shifts with me so I could be with my son for his birthday. So I was doing this Thursday for her. New guy wanted to meet on Thursday but I explained I was covering a shift for a friend. Thursday comes around and I'm so ill but I think I can hold it together for the 5 hour cover I needed to do. Plus if I didn't show an important aspect of the job couldn't be completed. Thursday starts off a disaster, I drop the kids to the babysitter late, I'm ill, sneezing, coughing and generally feeling a hot mess. So I take my unruly curly hair and throw on a hideous hat, a comfy but not flattering track suit. No make up. My face is pale, my nose peeling from where I've blown it so much. Not looking my best at all but I just want to make it through the shift.

Now I work somewhere that's not too close to me, so I had no thoughts of bumping into anyone and the new guy who I was dating lived quite a distant from where I worked. So imagine how surprised I was when he popped up at my work. I was literally fuming. Its a specialist store but I would imagine he would have had to pass two other specialist stores to reach the one I was working, usually I'm in the back but I was covering a quick 30 minute break for someone. So he's shocked when he sees me looking so different and I'm shocked when I see him. I'm a bit cold and don't say much, I get him what he needs and say goodbye. I'm so upset. I text him later and say I was ill not feeling well, so didn't much bother with myself as I just wanted to get home and back in bed. He texted back, 'no worries.' He's usually seen me with straight hair, a bit of makeup and a nice outfit. So anyway when I go home I tell everyone what's happened on the family chat and they think its my fault for not dressing myself up for work. So my AIBU is did he overstep boundaries or should I have fixed myself up for work and take the blame. We haven't spoken since Thursday afternoon text, he usually texts me nightly when he finishes work, but he didn't text me Thursday or Friday night. I don't know if it's because I was cold to him, or my being ill and a hot mess put him right off. I just feel like crap. But he was always the one chirping about taking it slow, so why show up at my work after 4 weeks of knowing each other. That isn't slow in my book. I mean in the 4 weeks we've seen each other around 8 times. But showing up at someones work is kinda a big deal in my book.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 04/01/2020 07:35

I’d find it very odd he turned up at your work with no warning. Sounds like a red flag to me. You said you couldn’t meet him that day so he turns up at your work, that is not right.

If he’s dropped you because you had no make up on and had a cold, well I’d be thankful for that. Would you be expected to have a face full of make up and poker straight hair at all times you’re with him?

ByeMF · 04/01/2020 07:35

I wouldn't be happy either. I would never just show up at someone's work, especially if you haven't been seeing each other long.

If he has gone cold because he saw you looking ill, you've dodged a bullet. If he liked you as a person, surely he should be asking how you're feeling?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/01/2020 07:36

It is weird that he showed up and if you think he's stopped contact because he didn't like how you looked you've dodged a bullet

TitianaTitsling · 04/01/2020 07:38

How's he gone cold? He said no worries? That's usually just a 'dont be daft it's nothing to worry about' response is it not?

ThanosSavedMe · 04/01/2020 07:39

If you were that ill you should have stayed at home. You’ve probably now passed your cold on to whoever else was at work that day.

Keep yourself warm and hydrated then contact him when you’re feeling better, no point analysing something when you feel so ill.

TitianaTitsling · 04/01/2020 07:39

You've known him 4 weeks but met 8 times? So twice a week?

Wattagoose90 · 04/01/2020 07:40

I agree it's weird. It's as if he was checking up to ensure you weren't lying or something.

It could've been quite a nice gesture if he'd shown up with something to cheer you up because he knew you weren't feeling 100%, but it sounds as if he played along like he needed something you stock even though he could've got it elsewhere? Again even if he'd said "I could've gone elsewhere but missed you and thought the journey would be worth it even if I only got to say hi for a minute" I probably would've thought that was kind of sweet too.

But yeah, in the context above, it's strange.

Lllot5 · 04/01/2020 07:40

He showed up where you work because he’s checking up on you.
Obviously didn’t believe you were covering a shift for someone.
If he is ghosting you for having curly hair and a snotty nose he’s a prick anyway.

VashtaNerada · 04/01/2020 07:42

I would be completely honest with him and see what he says. Just tell him you felt really embarrassed when he turned up because you were ill and had made zero effort on your appearance, so sorry if you weren’t as excited to see him as he might have expected. His response will tell you everything.
When I had been with DH for a couple of months I got the flu (proper flu, not just a bad cold). He was out of his mind with worry and begged to see me each day. I really didn’t want my boyfriend to see me unwashed with no make-up and sick in my hair! He practically begged my parents (I was still at home at the time) and eventually they agreed for him to come over. I was not impressed but managed to have a bath and set myself up in the corner of the room wrapped up in blankets. I look back on it now though and don’t mind at all. As we’ve stayed together he’s now seen me looking far worse than that day and I really don’t mind.

Ragwort · 04/01/2020 07:42

Can’t believe your family are telling you that you should ‘dress up for work’.

Honestly, if he is that bothered about only seeing you with your hair done and wearing a nice outfit Hmm he sounds a bit shallow.

Did he actually stalk you or did he genuinely need to come to your place of work to buy something?

MuthaFunka61 · 04/01/2020 07:44

It's a red flag in my book as it sounds as though he made a deliberate effort to go to where you work.

This means either he didn't believe you were working so went to check or he travelled to see you when you said you were busy.

Either is an overstepping of boundaries.

1066vegan · 04/01/2020 07:45

Dd he know that you work in that particular shop and that you would be working when he went in or could it have been a coincidence?

I wouldn't worry about his reply to your text. It sounds fine. If you had let him know that you weren't well then it would be natural to assume that you wouldn't want a long chatty text exchange.

Crunchymum · 04/01/2020 07:46

Yes a red flag, although it seems irrelevant now as he appears to be phasing you out.

I have to ask, what is all this "hot mess" nonsense?

MaggieAndHopey · 04/01/2020 07:46

If you had been feeling at your best, would it have bothered you as much that he turned up at your work? Presumably he was unaware of the backstory that you were feeling shit and just trying to get through the day.

I can see it from both sides. It would be odd to turn up at someone's work if they, for example, worked in an office or some other non-public facing place. But in a shop or other similar place, like a pub or cafe, it feels like there's a different etiquette. He might have just thought it would be nice to pop in and say hello.

I think it's a leap to assume he hasn't contacted you because you didn't look your best that day - it seems more likely that it was an awkward encounter and you were visibly displeased to see him, despite your text explanation later.

What do you want to happen? Do you want to keep seeing him?

zoobincan · 04/01/2020 07:46

Weird that he showed up at your work. Even more weird that you excused your appearance to him. This isn't going to work. At 4 weeks in you are already apologising for being you.

AlwaysCheddar · 04/01/2020 07:51

Sounds like he was seeing If you were lying or not so it would be a huge red flag fir me.

RoseGoldEagle · 04/01/2020 07:57

To be honest, regardless of whether turning up at your work is weird or not (so hard to say- he may have just thought it would be a nice surprise to pop in, and then your chilly response rather than your appearance, put him off. Or he could be a weird controlling guy checking up on you.) it’s the his lack of being bothered about you being ill afterwards that would bother me- has he text to check how you are?

notanotherjigsawpiece · 04/01/2020 07:58

Way too soon to turn up at someone’s workplace, and I’d also be concerned he was checking up on you. If he was just popping in to say hello, it doesn’t make sense that he’s now gone cold.

So he's shocked when he sees me looking so different

How do you mean - did he say something?

Bluerussian · 04/01/2020 08:00

I wouldn't like that, he did overstep the mark.

Crispyturtle · 04/01/2020 08:00

Maybe he was checking up on you, but maybe he just wanted to see you? If you’re dating then presumably he likes you. I find it more weird that you’re so angry with him when his only real crime was catching you (in a shop, so a public place) without makeup on.

OlaEliza · 04/01/2020 08:00

@crunchymum, op might be American

ukgift2016 · 04/01/2020 08:03

If he has ghosted you because of this then he is a dick. You have dodged a bullet. He would have ran at some point and at least it was now.

cdtaylornats · 04/01/2020 08:04

Of course he might have just been passing, or decided patronising the place his friend works is nice.

AppleKatie · 04/01/2020 08:07

This is bizarre. Are you sure he is focussing on your appearance? It sounds to me like he came to work to say hi and surprise you. You didn’t react well so now he’s embarrassed and lying low for a bit.

All the hyperbole about how you look appears to be all in your (and apparently your family’s) heads. I wouldn’t bank on him knowing the difference.

Brimful · 04/01/2020 08:11

I agree it's weird. It's as if he was checking up to ensure you weren't lying or something.

This, or, he's a nice guy that just took an excuse to see you. But if he hasn't asked how you are/if you need anything after you said you're poorly, I wouldn't be impressed. Not very caring.

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