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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or did new guy overstep boundaries

184 replies

OverThinker1981 · 04/01/2020 07:29

I have a tendency to overthink situations, so I'm not sure, about this one. I'm a single mum with two young primary age children, and I've recently decided to start dating again. I have been seeing a new man for around 4 weeks. We decided from the start to take things slow. Thursday is not my usual work day but a friend of mine swapped shifts with me so I could be with my son for his birthday. So I was doing this Thursday for her. New guy wanted to meet on Thursday but I explained I was covering a shift for a friend. Thursday comes around and I'm so ill but I think I can hold it together for the 5 hour cover I needed to do. Plus if I didn't show an important aspect of the job couldn't be completed. Thursday starts off a disaster, I drop the kids to the babysitter late, I'm ill, sneezing, coughing and generally feeling a hot mess. So I take my unruly curly hair and throw on a hideous hat, a comfy but not flattering track suit. No make up. My face is pale, my nose peeling from where I've blown it so much. Not looking my best at all but I just want to make it through the shift.

Now I work somewhere that's not too close to me, so I had no thoughts of bumping into anyone and the new guy who I was dating lived quite a distant from where I worked. So imagine how surprised I was when he popped up at my work. I was literally fuming. Its a specialist store but I would imagine he would have had to pass two other specialist stores to reach the one I was working, usually I'm in the back but I was covering a quick 30 minute break for someone. So he's shocked when he sees me looking so different and I'm shocked when I see him. I'm a bit cold and don't say much, I get him what he needs and say goodbye. I'm so upset. I text him later and say I was ill not feeling well, so didn't much bother with myself as I just wanted to get home and back in bed. He texted back, 'no worries.' He's usually seen me with straight hair, a bit of makeup and a nice outfit. So anyway when I go home I tell everyone what's happened on the family chat and they think its my fault for not dressing myself up for work. So my AIBU is did he overstep boundaries or should I have fixed myself up for work and take the blame. We haven't spoken since Thursday afternoon text, he usually texts me nightly when he finishes work, but he didn't text me Thursday or Friday night. I don't know if it's because I was cold to him, or my being ill and a hot mess put him right off. I just feel like crap. But he was always the one chirping about taking it slow, so why show up at my work after 4 weeks of knowing each other. That isn't slow in my book. I mean in the 4 weeks we've seen each other around 8 times. But showing up at someones work is kinda a big deal in my book.

OP posts:
OrangeSlices998 · 04/01/2020 10:55

Honestly just breathe, and sent a light hearted text to him and go from there. If you want to acknowledge you were cold towards him, do it in person it’ll come off much less batshit. Dating is hard, putting yourself out there makes you feel vulnerable.

IncrediblySadToo · 04/01/2020 10:55

You’re the one that’s caused the problem here.

You treat him like you didn’t even know him when he came into the shop you work in. That had to sting. It was mean & uncalled for.

It’s not like you work in a private place, it’s a shop, so really not invading your privacy

I don’t think people need to be dolled up for work, but in a position where you might end up customer facing a ratty old tracksuit & a grungy hat really isn’t acceptable.

Your further comments about your own appearance & his aren’t very nice.

But I think you owe him a sincere apology for treating him so horribly when he came to see you.

He might have been checking up on you or he might have just wanted to say hello and as he had all day, going to your shop wasn’t exactly difficult or massively weird.

I personally don’t think once or twice a week is too much to see someone 🤷🏻‍♀️

BercowsFestiveFlamingo · 04/01/2020 10:56

Gosh this sounds like far too much angst and hard work and obsession over how you looked. I'd hate if someone was cold towards me because they were worried about how they looked when ill. I'd think them vain and not much fun. I'd have freaked a bit at someone turning up at work though and yes he might have been checking up on you. But maybe he just wanted to see you and you were cold towards him so it's understandable he's now backed off.

seltaeb · 04/01/2020 10:56

Pehaps leave dating for a while and focus on your children and your job if dating is causing you this much anxiety.

villamariavintrapp · 04/01/2020 10:57

I think it's really sad that you're so completely focussed on your looks. Do you really think that is all you have to offer? When you say he's seen you at your worst, he really hasn't! Not wearing makeup isn't the worst thing you can do! Do you think counselling could help you try to see more in people, and especially yourself?

Bluntness100 · 04/01/2020 10:58

Honestly I think the issue here is you, in the kindest way. He likely didn't give a shit about how you looked or give it much thought. The fact you get up and get ready before he wakes speaks volumes, you're overly focused on how you look. If you'd just been cheery and said oh hi, it would have been fine.

Just text him saying, think I've finally recovered from this heinous cold. Fancy a drink, and see what he says.

diddl · 04/01/2020 10:59

He also probably doesn't know what to do next tbh & is taking a couple of days to think.

Original poster
OverThinker1981 · 04/01/2020 11:00

Thanks guys for all your messages. I'm going to pick up my nan to take her to a friends house. I will be back on in a few hours. Before I leave I will send him a message, I'll let you all know if he responds when I get back home.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/01/2020 11:00

What are you doing between 6 and 9am ?

Putting make up on and using the straighteners before he wakes to the horror of a clean face and natural hair ?

BlueSuffragette · 04/01/2020 11:02

Lighten up a bit. Send one message saying you felt poorly but are much better and fancy a catch up. Bit of a red flag he called to check u were in work. If you do carry on then just be mindful of that.

Original poster
OverThinker1981 · 04/01/2020 11:02

@IncrediblySadToo I' sorry if I came across mean about his appearance, I was just trying to be truthful in my explanation to you guys.

OP posts:
Original poster
OverThinker1981 · 04/01/2020 11:05

@AnyFucker I don't take the full 3 hours to get ready, but maybe I should have let him see me without getting ready. I gave him unrealistic expectations I suppose.

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 04/01/2020 11:08

I'm guessing he hasn't been in touch because you were were not nice when he turned up. It's probably nothing to do with how you look

GabriellaMontez · 04/01/2020 11:10

There is no reason to assume he's a stalker or overstepped boundaries.

There's a thousand reasons he could have been passing your shop.

All the other stuff about your appearance is extreme. Your family are unkind.

category12 · 04/01/2020 11:10

If you're for real, you should get some counselling and address your issues around appearances and self-worth. It's worrying that you picked this guy partly because he's average-looking, not because you thought he was attractive.

oohnicevase · 04/01/2020 11:12

Hope he replies , for what it's worth I have curly hair and men love it . It's certainly never been a hindrance so maybe he was just pleasantly surprised and a bit shocked you weren't friendly and thinks you now don't like him.. just send him a message and ask to meet up for a coffee . Good luck.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/01/2020 11:12

No you didn’t give him unrealistic expectations. You are creating them for yourself.

Hadjab · 04/01/2020 11:14

@SoupDragon finally, a sane voice in a sea of madness!

Fr0g · 04/01/2020 11:14

Calling in to see someone at work - it's a bit different depending on where it is - a public place such as a shop, isn't necessarily wierd, stalky or contolling IMO. An office, or somewhere where you're public facing would be a bit different.

Admittedly, he could have contacted you in advance with a "missing you, do you have time to meet for coffee at lunch time' - but maybe he thought it would be a nice surprise?

Interestedwoman · 04/01/2020 11:16

'I did behave badly. I thought about your question if I had been looking good I would have been probably pleased. So maybe I am the shallow person.'

YANBU. It's not your fault you were off colour and didn't feel able to do more with your make up etc. Everyone gets ill sometimes, and as long as you did your job as well as you could despite the cold, you have nothing to blame yourself for.. A decent partner would've just asked you how you were feeling. I'm surprised anyone's been nasty or critical of you in this thread.

I don't think even if you looked ok you'dve been comfortable with him showing up at your work.

It's not shallow to feel anxious about your appearance- quite the opposite, it's because you have low self esteem about yourself in your 'natural' state.

Your family sound awful, and of course that's part of why you have low self esteem/are overly critical of yourself.

On to someone who cares about you. Hugs xxxxx

haukeli · 04/01/2020 11:19

You seem to have a lot of issues about your appearance and this stems from how you were brought up. Most of your OP and follow ups are focused on how you looked.
If someone likes you they won't be bothered that you looked a bit of a mess when you were unwell.
I think he probably hasn't contacted you because you were unfriendly with him and that was because he surprised you at work when you weren't wearing make up and with straight hair.
If it is because he didn't like how you looked then he's shallow and not worth the bother. He knows what you look like when you make an effort and if he's going to expect those standards all the time, it's a non-starter really.

I find it strange that you chose him because he was less attractive than others on the dating site and you didn't feel good enough for those other men. It's not a good start to a potential relationship to be honest.

What you should be concentrating on is why he turned up at work. I would absolutely not be happy if someone did this to me after a few weeks dating. Maybe I'm paranoid but I would feel he was checking up on me because I said I couldn't go on a date because I had to work. You normally don't work on a Thursday so maybe that's when you've had dates with him and he thought you were making an excuse.

I would feel creeped out about this and if this had happened to me I'd not be contacting him again and I wouldn't be blaming myself for it going wrong due to my appearance.

Jojo19834 · 04/01/2020 11:22

@Hadjab @SoupDragon was thinking the exact same thing. Looks like OP is doing it now so will wait and see! Fingers crossed it’s more the cold welcoming rather than anything else and can all be resolved

Redglitter · 04/01/2020 11:24

just wish I could be frank and say, you've seen me at my worse, would you still like to see me

That's the last thing you should do. You need to stop focusing on your appearance. I bet hes not thought about it anywhere near as much as you. If you mention it again you're making far too much of an issue over it.

Send him a nice chatty normal text. Just don't mention your appearance

Ash39 · 04/01/2020 11:26

My oh loves me and is attracted to me for me, not how I look and whether I'm wearing make up, have put on weight or lost weight, or whether I've straightened my hair.
Granted you are in the early stages of a relationship and wanting you make a good impression...

However your posts come across as really sad actually. You need to work on your own self esteem.

And did I really read that? That you are awake three hours before him????is that to get ready????

No offence, but this, and any relationship will not develop with your current state of thinking

ChristmasSweet · 04/01/2020 11:27

Well you maybe shouldn't have been cold towards him. I'd have probably made a joke about it. But I can understand why, he also shouldn't have randomly turned up at your work. It's like he was checking you were there or something. I'd point that out to him and if he gets angry, you know it's true.

If he starts acting off with you over how you looked, again, you've dodged a bullet.

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