Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or did new guy overstep boundaries

184 replies

OverThinker1981 · 04/01/2020 07:29

I have a tendency to overthink situations, so I'm not sure, about this one. I'm a single mum with two young primary age children, and I've recently decided to start dating again. I have been seeing a new man for around 4 weeks. We decided from the start to take things slow. Thursday is not my usual work day but a friend of mine swapped shifts with me so I could be with my son for his birthday. So I was doing this Thursday for her. New guy wanted to meet on Thursday but I explained I was covering a shift for a friend. Thursday comes around and I'm so ill but I think I can hold it together for the 5 hour cover I needed to do. Plus if I didn't show an important aspect of the job couldn't be completed. Thursday starts off a disaster, I drop the kids to the babysitter late, I'm ill, sneezing, coughing and generally feeling a hot mess. So I take my unruly curly hair and throw on a hideous hat, a comfy but not flattering track suit. No make up. My face is pale, my nose peeling from where I've blown it so much. Not looking my best at all but I just want to make it through the shift.

Now I work somewhere that's not too close to me, so I had no thoughts of bumping into anyone and the new guy who I was dating lived quite a distant from where I worked. So imagine how surprised I was when he popped up at my work. I was literally fuming. Its a specialist store but I would imagine he would have had to pass two other specialist stores to reach the one I was working, usually I'm in the back but I was covering a quick 30 minute break for someone. So he's shocked when he sees me looking so different and I'm shocked when I see him. I'm a bit cold and don't say much, I get him what he needs and say goodbye. I'm so upset. I text him later and say I was ill not feeling well, so didn't much bother with myself as I just wanted to get home and back in bed. He texted back, 'no worries.' He's usually seen me with straight hair, a bit of makeup and a nice outfit. So anyway when I go home I tell everyone what's happened on the family chat and they think its my fault for not dressing myself up for work. So my AIBU is did he overstep boundaries or should I have fixed myself up for work and take the blame. We haven't spoken since Thursday afternoon text, he usually texts me nightly when he finishes work, but he didn't text me Thursday or Friday night. I don't know if it's because I was cold to him, or my being ill and a hot mess put him right off. I just feel like crap. But he was always the one chirping about taking it slow, so why show up at my work after 4 weeks of knowing each other. That isn't slow in my book. I mean in the 4 weeks we've seen each other around 8 times. But showing up at someones work is kinda a big deal in my book.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 04/01/2020 09:13

Him showing up at work would make me uncomfortable. But him not contacting you when he normally does, esp when you're ill is even worse. So you're not worth bothering with unless you've got make up on, done your hair and got a pretty dress on? Ha fuck that. You're well rid. I know you liked him, but he's pretty shallow.

FrangipaniBlue · 04/01/2020 09:14

I would be inclined to send him a light "hey, apologies if I was a bit standoffish and a meanie yesterday, was feeling dreadful, looking dreadful and not expecting to see anyone I know #embarrassment lol" or something along those lines and see what he replies.

If he laughs along and says "don't sweat it babe we meeting next week yeah?" you know it's all good and he just wanted to see you.

If he dismissive or a bit cool back then you know you've dodged a bullet from a stalker

GrinGrin

Original poster
OverThinker1981 · 04/01/2020 09:15

Feelinglost I thought I had to text him straight after as I was so cold to him. I treated him like we weren't even dating.

OP posts:
feelinglost02 · 04/01/2020 09:16

8 times over a month is too much as well. When I was a single mum and dating, I did once per week. If I had more than one man to see, one got 6 pm and the other 8pm. Quick drink or food and then gone. If I liked them I gave them another date the following week for a bit longer. Stopped me getting too interested. Saw a wide variety of behaviours and weeded out unsavoury types quickly.

feelinglost02 · 04/01/2020 09:19

Unlikely to have put him off if he liked you @OverThinker1981. Interested men thrive on a bit of uncertainty in my experience

Original poster
OverThinker1981 · 04/01/2020 09:19

eddielizzard after I posted this message this morning. I took a shower and washed my hair and took a photo, with my curly hair and no make up on. I suppose I did it because I want him to know this is me. It's on my WhatsApp as my profile photo. He hasn't been on yet, so he hasn't seen it. But yeah, if he choses not to contact me, he is shallow.

OP posts:
Original poster
OverThinker1981 · 04/01/2020 09:22

I found out how to tag people. Yeah. @FrangipaniBlue I think maybe if I can wait so long text him a light and breezy text on Wednesday to see if he tries to cement plans for Thursday.

OP posts:
Original poster
OverThinker1981 · 04/01/2020 09:23

@feelinglost02 I laughed at your last message, I hope he's thriving at the moment.

OP posts:
Mooserp · 04/01/2020 09:24

He may have been checking up on you, but he may have thought it would have been a nice idea to turn up and say hello.

I can't imagine you could have been looking that bad, surely you need to look fairly presentable and professional when serving customers?

TatianaLarina · 04/01/2020 09:25

If he doesn’t contact you it’s more likely to be because you were offish and he felt he had committed a faux pas than because of how you looked.

dottiedodah · 04/01/2020 09:26

Maybe he wanted to see you or maybe checking up on you? Either way if he is so put off by you not looking your usual groomed self not worth the effort!

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 04/01/2020 09:29

I wonder if he was checking up on you as someone above said. It's a bit bizarre anyway, I would not contact him and see what happens. I would not be impressed if someone turned up at my workplace no matter how bad or good I looked if we only saw each other a handful of times.

Original poster
OverThinker1981 · 04/01/2020 09:34

@Mooserp I was looking awful, to be fair I was going to hide out in the office for most of the day. I usually make some effort, but the one day I make none, he shows up. Just my luck.

OP posts:
Original poster
OverThinker1981 · 04/01/2020 09:36

@TatianaLarina Yes I think maybe if I had been nice, I could be sure if he was ghosting me based on my looks or based off my reception of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
OverThinker1981 · 04/01/2020 09:38

@MonaLisaDoesntSmile exactly my thoughts, I would never go into his place of work because I would want to make it weird or awkward for him, we're not even exclusive yet.

OP posts:
mcmooberry · 04/01/2020 09:38

I think it's a bit odd just to turn up like that and I wonder if he is very insecure and thought you might be meeting someone else so was in fact checking up on you. Yes he might have been a bit shocked at your "informal" appearance but probably not as much as you think. Obviously, with the benefit of hindsight you should have been a bit friendlier and maybe said "Look I am really not well today, please stay away or you might catch something" and covered your face in a giant hanky under the guise of blowing your nose. I wouldn't mention your appearance or unfriendliness again at this point unless he does, your plan about contacting him on Wednesday sounds like a good one to me.

Original poster
OverThinker1981 · 04/01/2020 09:39

@dottiedodah I suppose it is for the best, he's seen me at the worst I could ever get and if he choses to go, it isn't worth the hassle.

OP posts:
Original poster
OverThinker1981 · 04/01/2020 09:41

@mcmooberry I think it'll feel like an eternity to wait till Wednesday, but I think its the best.

OP posts:
windycuntryside · 04/01/2020 09:44

Ffs you don’t need to “dress” up for people - a man -, if he dumps you for that you’ve had a lucky escape, forget that shit storm.
He could have been desperate to see you, because he thinks you are wonderful. Or he was checking up on you. This one event can not tell you which applies.

Yetanotherwinter · 04/01/2020 09:45

I don’t think twice a week is taking it slow. Sounds like he was checking if you were there. Hope you’re feeling better now.

simplekindoflife · 04/01/2020 09:50

I'd assume he didn't believe you were working and was checking up on you. Red flag.

Think about how you would've reacted if you wasn't ill and looked great? It would creep me out a little to know he'd tracked me down.

And he doesn't sound very nice if he's going to judge you for being ill!

I'd give him a second chance if he replies but I'd have my guard up.

TomPinch · 04/01/2020 09:50

An innocent explanation is that he wanted to see you, and when he did, realised he'd put his foot in it, and is now keeping his distance out of embarrassment. And he probably didn't even notice the lack of make-up or whatever.

If there is a dating rule that "thou shalt not turn up for a quick hello at the shop where thy beau worketh" I've never heard of it.

SoupDragon · 04/01/2020 09:51

So, you are complaining that he hasn't contacted you but have you contacted him?

MyNewBearTotoro · 04/01/2020 09:51

If you were cold and rude towards him that’s probably why he’s not texted you, nothing to do with how you looked. I doubt he was expecting you to have made the same effort at work as you would make for a date or to look the same; he was trying to do a nice thing and surprise you which obviously backfired for both of you. You feel he was out of line to have overstepped a boundary and he likely feels hurt that you would be so off with him and reject what he thought would be a nice gesture.

Unless he’s extremely shallow I’d say it’s highly unlikely he cares what you looked like, he’s taken a step back because of how you acted towards him and has probably made the conclusion from the encounter that you’re not as in to him as he is to you. He thought the relationship had progressed to a point you clearly don’t feel it has and that it would be sweet to surprise you and having gotten it wrong he’s either decided to move on or to stop making all the moves and effort and wait and see if you get in touch with him.

If in your mind the relationship is worth trying to make another go at then I think you need to text him, apologise for being off with him but explain you were ill and also felt a bit uncomfortable about him turning up unannounced as you didn’t think things were there yet. Don’t mention how you looked as it’s a moot point. If he’s interested hopefully he’ll accept your apology, offer his own apology back to you for overstepping a boundary and things can carry on. If he doesn’t reply at least you know it’s done and you can move on.

DarkDarkNight · 04/01/2020 09:53

You sound quite preoccupied with how you looked when he saw you. Understandable because the relationship is quite new, but it’s not what jumped out at me.

It sounds like he was checking up on you to make sure you were where you said you were after you said you couldn’t meet him. That’s what you should be concerned about.