AIBU or did new guy overstep boundaries

[OverThinker1981]

I have a tendency to overthink situations, so I'm not sure, about this one. I'm a single mum with two young primary age children, and I've recently decided to start dating again. I have been seeing a new man for around 4 weeks. We decided from the start to take things slow. Thursday is not my usual work day but a friend of mine swapped shifts with me so I could be with my son for his birthday. So I was doing this Thursday for her. New guy wanted to meet on Thursday but I explained I was covering a shift for a friend. Thursday comes around and I'm so ill but I think I can hold it together for the 5 hour cover I needed to do. Plus if I didn't show an important aspect of the job couldn't be completed. Thursday starts off a disaster, I drop the kids to the babysitter late, I'm ill, sneezing, coughing and generally feeling a hot mess. So I take my unruly curly hair and throw on a hideous hat, a comfy but not flattering track suit. No make up. My face is pale, my nose peeling from where I've blown it so much. Not looking my best at all but I just want to make it through the shift.

Now I work somewhere that's not too close to me, so I had no thoughts of bumping into anyone and the new guy who I was dating lived quite a distant from where I worked. So imagine how surprised I was when he popped up at my work. I was literally fuming. Its a specialist store but I would imagine he would have had to pass two other specialist stores to reach the one I was working, usually I'm in the back but I was covering a quick 30 minute break for someone. So he's shocked when he sees me looking so different and I'm shocked when I see him. I'm a bit cold and don't say much, I get him what he needs and say goodbye. I'm so upset. I text him later and say I was ill not feeling well, so didn't much bother with myself as I just wanted to get home and back in bed. He texted back, 'no worries.' He's usually seen me with straight hair, a bit of makeup and a nice outfit. So anyway when I go home I tell everyone what's happened on the family chat and they think its my fault for not dressing myself up for work. So my AIBU is did he overstep boundaries or should I have fixed myself up for work and take the blame. We haven't spoken since Thursday afternoon text, he usually texts me nightly when he finishes work, but he didn't text me Thursday or Friday night. I don't know if it's because I was cold to him, or my being ill and a hot mess put him right off. I just feel like crap. But he was always the one chirping about taking it slow, so why show up at my work after 4 weeks of knowing each other. That isn't slow in my book. I mean in the 4 weeks we've seen each other around 8 times. But showing up at someones work is kinda a big deal in my book.

Why do you keep saying you should have made more effort at work? (You were sick ffs!). It worries me that your family would say that to you too. How mean of them!

This and your low self esteem makes me wonder if you have has narcissists around you growing up. And now think that when other people treat you badly it us somehow your fault or that you should have to change you to 'fix' them.

Please be aware that him turning up at your work like that - is creepy.

And do some reading on how to spot ppl with NPD (is it possible your ex could have been one? considering he left you for some other lady) so that you don't endup dating one. Because you sound like you might be a magnet for them. Melanie tonia Evans on YouTube is a good blogger on narcissists.

Stay safe!

YOU - Netflix - says it all

I think it's obvious he was checking up on you to see if you really were working or not. So that's a big old red flag.

What's most concerning is your obsession with the way you looked. If he likes you, he'll like you anyway. And it's always bloody "does he like me, does he like me" with women - there's not enough stopping and thinking "actually do I like him?"

It makes me so sad that you felt like you had to text him and explain your appearance.

When you say he was shocked to see you looking like that, what did he actually say? Or was that just your assumption based on how you felt you looked?

@Pinkbonbon I have very low confidence, when I was growing up I was ugly and my sister very beautiful, I got reminded daily about my looks. However when I turned around 17, I became very attractive and by the time I had my braces off you couldn't recognise me.

But knowing you're beautiful and believing it, is a whole different story.

To be fair many extremely handsome guys contacted me via the dating app but I refused to even speak to them because I felt I wouldn't be good enough for them, I chose this guy because he was average and felt like a safe bet.

@lisasimpsonssaxophone he didn't actually say too much. I think he wanted to talk but I wasn't really up for it. He never mentioned my look negatively. He said something like you look different today and I muttered it was because I had a cold and felt rough.

There's nothing wrong with curly hair.

Did you apologise for being "cold" with him?

That was really all that needed saying imo.

What is wrong with your family that they use words like "your fault" about whether you dress up for work or not?
It's not clear from your post whether new bloke came to your work expressly to see you? And are you cross with him for turning up, or cross because you felt 'caught out' as you weren't wearing make up etc?
If he can't cope with curly hair & a peeling nose you are best off without him anyway.

@category12 You're right I should be thinking if I like him. I think I do. I just wish I could be frank and say, you've seen me at my worse, would you still like to see me? But I don't know how that would come across, I don't know how to act.

@messolini9 I believe he made up an excuse to see me, I think he wanted to see me and then tried to think about what he could buy from the store and ran with it. It would have been better if he had sent a text that said missing you, or something in that ball park.

" I just wish I could be frank and say, you've seen me at my worse, would you still like to see me?"

Why is it necessary to allude to it any more than you already have?

He might be thinking that you've already made a big deal about how you looked when you were obviously ill & wonder why it's such a big thing to you?

If you want to see him then get in touch & make an arrangement!

Just say sorry you were a bit offish, but you weren't well and were surprised. If you both laugh it off, that's a good sign.

@Needmorecaffine I started to watch 'you' last night, only watched the first episode though. Must have been my subconscious choosing it.

Please stop obsessing over how you looked. Honestly it’s quite unappealing in someone, he saw you looking poorly big whoop but you were cold and stand offish which he’ll remember more. You’re overthinking the whole encounter, just text him if you want to him to hear from him - none of this ‘redeeming yourself’ nonsense he isn’t doing you a favour by spending time with you and you don’t need to earn his good favour.

If this relationship is going to last any length of time. Marriage and children,if that’s what you want, then he’s going to see a lot worse than curly hair and a snotty nose. If you really think he can’t handle that then this relationship is a dead loss.

@diddl and @TomPinch, I think I need to help put things right and stop mentioning my looks. I hope we can dust it under the carpet.

I totally understand how you feel about being seen when you felt you looked rough,but it's very unlikely he really noticed.I too am pale and feel unattractive without makeup but attractive with it.My husband is unaware whether I am wearing makeup or not though and says things like, " oh I thought you'd done your face" when I tell him I still need to get ready. The one day that I didn't wear make up for work ( I forgot my make-up when staying over at my parents)two people said I looked fresh faced and then later I was asked for I.D when in a shop ( granted she was a mature lady). I noticed my personality changed too I was n't as loud or confident.It's a self esteem issue, most people don't care what you look like and will treat you the same whether you've got your face on or not.You were cold with him, so he was cold with you.

@OrangeSlices998 I think you're right, it is unattractive. But also he isn't doing me a favour. I think I needed to hear that.

The intensity of your fixation on your appearance and the way you talk about yourself are really odd.

And that's before we factor in your apparent view that it's totally fine to treat someone badly because of your appearance when they encounter you. Yet you're still fixated on how his hurt reaction must be all about your appearance not your crappy behaviour!

Your childhood sounds toxic. It's clearly really damaged you.

This thread is just sad.

You know your value as a person doesn't come from how you look and how others respond to your appearance, right?

There's nothing to put right though.

You were ill & at work because you didn't want to let people down.

You've apologised for being "off" with him.

@Joeler yes I was cold so now he's being cold. And my feelings are all hurt, but I'm sure I hurt his too. It's all a mess.

Ideally I would like to see him again, if maybe to redeem myself and I know that sounds so shallow but I have to be truthful.

Anyway I should have made more effort for work regardless if he was there or not. Its a lesson learnt.

This is so sad to read. Having to "redeem" yourself for not looking your best?

Utter madness.

How has he hurt your feelings, OP?

@ohwheniknow I know my childhood was toxic, but they're all I have and they do love me, they have made changes. I feel sad with them as I know if he disappears they will say its because I couldn't do one simple thing of fixing myself for work. My mum even asked why I bothered going. But my friend always covers for me so I can go to my kids assemblies, sports day, birthday party etc, I couldn't let her down, as she barely ever requests anything for herself.